Moving On and Mean People Suck

The title just about says it all, huh. Moving on is scary but it was time. Mean people suck and that's all I'll really say about that.

It's amazing to have my friends again...I've missed them very much. And starting over...well, let's just say that I'm taking things VERY VERY VERY slow...but I'm happy. Yes, can you believe it? I'm actually happy.

So....time to get in the shower so we can go ice skating!

Happy 4-Day Weekend and Merry Christmas

Seeing as it is 4:30 on Friday afternoon, my brain has officially checked out of work-mode. Well, actually, it was only halfway there to begin with since I woke up this morning. Lunch was fabulous, and filling, and expensive….but well worth it! Carla and I went to Brazzaz, our “inexpensive” Brazilian steakhouse that has a lunch special ($20 as opposed to the $50 it normally would be). The food is so delicious but I always end up overeating and then when I get back to work I just want to take a nap at my desk! I think I’ll hit Starbucks on my way to the train so I have some pep when I pick up the kids. Tonight I’ll order a pizza, do a very little bit of house cleaning, and watch a movie with the kids. The next four days are going to be very busy…

Tomorrow my friend Dan and I are taking Tristan downtown to go ice skating. After that, we’ll come back home and make a gingerbread house. Now the ice skating is going to be fun. I’ll probably fall a bunch of times and I’ll end up with a lot more bruises, but it’ll be fun. The thing I’m looking forward to the most, however, is building that gingerbread house. I have never in my life made one, seen one being made, or even seen the finished product, so this is going to be a blast. I figured I’d let Tristan choose the candy that he wants to decorate it with…who cares about traditional! If we’re not too tired, we’ll bake some cookies, too. Saturday evening I’m going to take Trist to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I wish Cass would be around to hang with us, but I have to remember that she’s a teenager now and just wants to be with her friends or boyfriend.

Sunday won’t be so busy I guess. The highlight of the day is my Packers are playing the Bears and I can’t wait to watch it! Other than that, I’ll probably just finish laundry and cleaning the house.

Christmas Eve the kids and I are going to my grandparents’ house for dinner. That will be nice.

Christmas I’m going to Dan’s house and he’s going to cook dinner. Then after that we may go see I am Legend. I saw the previews for it a couple times and it looked really good.

Then back to work on Wednesday, but two out of my three attorneys will be on vacation so it won’t be a busy week at all!

Anyway, Merry Christmas to everybody!

My mind is playing tricks on me and my friends are the best

Our mind is a pretty powerful thing. And when our hearts are heavy, it’s pretty easy for our mind to start playing tricks on us. We start to question decisions that we’ve made, we start to romanticize our memories, we forget about all the bad and make the good out to be better than it actually was.

This is what happened to me last night. About a week ago, I finally ended a dead-end relationship. It took me six months to get it right, but I was able to find the courage, fueled by pain and anger, to say no more. I held on to my anger for most of the next 5 days and then the one week mark arrived. That’s when my brain started going a little, shall we say, nutty. I started to wonder if it was all a mistake. I started to convince myself that things could be fixed. I actually started to convince myself that we could be head-over-heals in love again like we used to be. Then I started getting sad and lonely and missing him. My sadness carried over into today, add that to some holiday stress and pms, and a dangerous combination was brewing.

Luckily, I came to my senses at lunch. I don’t know why I did it, somebody must have been watching out for me, but I sent a text message to the 7 people who are my support system in this break-up, and each and every one of them responded with encouraging words and reminders of what I went through the past 6 months. That stopped my tears before they fell. My heart isn’t as heavy and I know I’m going to get through this. After all, it was my choice to do it.

I had a reading done the other day, and the cards nailed it. I’m going to put myself first, stay away from the aggressor and not be afraid of the unknown. After all, I’ve taken that first step.

Sunday list of the day....things that I'm happy about...

I was driving home from the mall this morning and out of the blue I started laughing. Wow, to hear the sound of my own laughter, huh, it sounded so foreign! It's been awhile since I've been happy enough to laugh and it was a great feeling. Since I'm so happy today, I figure I'll make my list of the day about that!

1. My friends. My friends are awesome. I mean, there is no other way to put it. I distanced myself from them for pretty much the past year, but yet they never gave up on me. And here they are, keeping me encouraged and begging for the old Jenn to come back.

2. My neighbors. Really you ask? Yes. We got so much snow last night that I had to use the shovel to dig my car out. Then I couldn't get my snowblower to work so I dug a square around my car, floored it and was able to get out the driveway. When i came back home, my neighbor was out shoveling his walk. I told him I have a snowblower but I can't figure out how to start it. So he came over and started it for me and I finished clearing his sidewalks. I helped the neighbor on the other side off me, too cuz the poor kid looked frozen.

3. Money. Isn't it great to have enough money to pay your bills, buy your kids tons of Christmas presents, and still be able to go to the mall and buy some new clothes?

4. Starbucks. I must confess, I'm an addict. I can't help it - it's so yummy!!!!

5. Being free from people who drag you down. THIS IS HUGE!!!! Oh my gosh, I used to have such a bubbly outgoing personality and then I began to surround myself with people who were so negative and aggressive. Talk about a real downer. I am so relieved to be free from their oppressive nature and to be bubbly again!!!

6. Speaking of bubbly, champagne makes me happy. It's the bubbles.

ha ha, see, I told you I was back to my lovable goofy self!!! Happy Sunday people.

Myspace, Old Friends, Blue Man Group and a Blizzard

Myspace is only good for one thing and one thing only. And that, my friends, is to reconnect with old friends.

I had these tickets to Blue Man Group for tonight and had no one to go with me. I was pretty bummed because they weren't exactly cheap, but oh well. I had just decided to stay home and clean, especially since we were supposed to get 4-8 inches of snow. I was changing my call tone on my cell phone because for some reason my friends didn't like the I Hate Everything About You song that I had playing (go figure). Anyway, 10 minutes after I closed my web browser, a new voice message came through. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I only check my messages about once a week, if even that. Well, for some reason I checked this message. I am so glad I did. It was my friend Dan who I went to high school with and hadn't seen in 16 years. Yes, we hadn't seen each other since freshman year. By the way, he was my skater boy that I used to share smooches with in the park lol. Ahh, to be young again...I hope my daughter isn't reading this ha ha. Anyway, he's been on my friends list on my Myspace forever, but we hadn't talked or seen each other. As luck would have it, he was free tonight and was able to go to Blue Man Group with me. He was also starving which meant that I was able to keep my reservations at Fogo de Chao (if you're ever in Chicago, eat there...$50 a plate but worth every penny of it). He had never been to a Brazilian steakhouse before and he loved it.

Blue Man Group was just as amazing as I remembered it to be. We had great seats, in the poncho section, and in the second row from the stage. It was so much fun and I'm really really glad that I decided to use the tickets instead of staying home to clean.

As is typical of Chicago in the winter, there was already about an inch of snow on the ground when we left for downtown, but traffic was light and the roads were clear so we had no trouble getting there. We parked in a garage and just cabbed it for the night. Very convenient. Getting home was a completely different story. By the time we left, the snow was falling at least an inch and hour and the roads were terrible! What typically is a 20-30 minute drive took 1 1/2 hours! Can you believe it? 1 1/2 hours to go 20 miles. Wow. But we laughed about it.

When I was on my side streets I had a little bit of fun making the car slide. I know, what is wrong with me, right? It is so out of character for me to do something so unsafe and, well, childish! But it was fun.

It seems like the old Jenn is coming back. Yay! My friends will be happy I know because they've missed me for the past year. So to all of you who have stuck by me, listened to me cry and complain, and kept your comments to yourself as I made the same destructive choice over and over and over again....I'M BACK!!!!! And I love you all dearly. Muah!!!!!

Hello weekend, I'm so glad you're here!!!

Wow, it’s hard to believe that it’s Friday already! This weekend is going to have me running all over. Tonight I have a holiday party which I’m actually looking forward to. At first I was dreading it, I mean, newly single and all my friends will be with their guys. But I was reminded of all the judges and lawyers that will be there and, well, I am single! And hot. So I got into the spirit and yesterday went and bought a fabulous dress that definitely accents my petite body type.

Not too much drinking for me tonight though because early tomorrow morning I have a hair appointment. Finally no more blonde! I can’t wait. I am so sick of these goldilocks. Yes, it’s my natural color but I’ve always said that as Irish and Scottish as I am I should have been born a redhead. I do have the temperament to match!

After a couple hours at the salon, I have to finish my Christmas shopping. Luckily, I really don’t have that much left to do. I’ve already bought for my parents, grandparents, brother and bosses. I bought a couple things for my daughter. I just have to finish up getting stuff for her and get stuff for my son. He’ll be easy though because he just wants toys or video games.

Tomorrow night I have tickets for Blue Man Group. I’m excited about seeing BMG again. I saw it two years ago but this time I have seats in the poncho section. And it’s such an incredible show, how can I not have a great time!

Sunday my family is taking me out to dinner for a belated birthday treat. Our schedules are crazy and our off-days don’t usually coincide so this was the first opportunity we’ve had to do this. We’re going to one of my favorite reasonably priced steakhouses and, me being a lover of red meat and potatoes, I’m totally looking forward to that!

I’ve convinced my brother to come over Sunday afternoon and move the furniture for me so I can put up the Christmas tree. I really hate putting that thing up, but it’s for the kids so I need to get a move on. Christmas is only a little more than a week away.

All in all, life isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I’m getting back my “whatever” attitude, finding my strength, smiling a whole lot more and having fun. Oh, and guess what, my anxiety has disappeared!

Quote of the Day

"If someone tries to give you a plate of shit and you refuse it, who does that plate of shit belong to?"

- Marcano

List of the Day: Life, Goals and Living

Someone once accused me of not having any goals or dreams. At the time, that really bothered me. I was wondering how pathetic is my life if I have no goals or dreams. I mean, why would I keep on going, right? Then I began to remember what my life used to be like and where my life is at now, and I realized that I’ve really come along way, all because of the goals that I set for myself and the hard work that I did to achieve them. Here’s a list of some of my past, present and future goals/dreams:

1. PAST: Own my own home. Ever since I was 18 and living in an apartment I’ve wanted to own my own home. I worked hard, cleaned up my credit, saved money, and have been living in my own home for the past 5 ½ years.

2. PAST: Have my poetry published. I’ve been writing poetry since I was a teenager. Some of it is good, some of it isn’t, but it’s all real and straight from the heart. I now own two coffee table books full of poetry from random artists, each of which contain a different poem written by me.

3. PAST: Have a fabulous career. It took a lot of hard work and a lot of learning, but I finally am there. Of course, I could always go higher….which leads me to my next goal.

4. PRESENT: Go back to college and get my paralegal certificate. It’s one thing to learn from experience, it’s another thing to actually have the certificate. While it’s only a piece of paper and I doubt (but may be surprised) that the instructor will teach me anything that I haven’t learned from my experience already, it’s something that I want, and will get.

5. PRESENT: Learn a foreign language. I used to speak fluent German, but not anymore. I was learning Spanish years ago, but I don’t use it enough to remember. I’m thinking Irish Gaelic and then Scottish Gaelic.

6. PRESENT: Pay off my debt. It’s sad when you go from having excellent credit to having a credit score that dropped, but unfortunately that’s what happens when you have bad or no insurance and kids that have to have surgery or expensive tests run. But slowly but surely I’m making the effort and I’m seeing progress.

7. PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE: See my kids grow up and become productive members of society. This is a big one. This isn’t one that can happen overnight. It’s a goal that will take, literally, no less than 18 years per child to achieve. But I’m on the right path. I make mistakes at times, I raise my voice at times unnecessarily, I don’t always listen or understand as well as I should, but I never give up. They’re my babies and I love them more than anything in this world.

8. PRESENT, FUTURE: Get my house updated so I can sell it. I love my house, I worked hard to get it, but now it’s time when I’m looking to move. I’m doing a little bit at a time to it, and I see a huge difference between how it looks now to how it did when I bought it.

9. FUTURE: Travel the world. Being a mom with one of my children still being young, traveling the world isn’t exactly on my to-do list for tomorrow. But what’s nice is that with this dream, I know that I won’t be sitting around crying my eyes out when my kids are off at college or married. I won’t be wondering what to do with myself because I’ll be too busy doing what I want to do and fulfilling my dreams.

10. FUTURE: Find the man who is perfect for me. All good things come in time.

It’s good to have dreams and goals. They’re what keeps us motivated and what keeps us going. It keeps life interesting and helps our sense of self. Finding the balance between living the boring day-to-day details and finding time to work on your goals is something that’s important. One shouldn’t focus simply on their goals and dreams and forget about living the not-so-exciting day to day life, just as one shouldn’t live their life in a rut and only deal with what life brings you with no vision of change. Life moves fast, and as we change our goals will change. Forsaking your dreams or goals for those that are in your life is foolish, but forsaking those that are important to you for the sake of your dreams or goals is just as foolish.

Words Hurt

People talk too much. I mean they really do. They call it venting, or looking for advice, but the point is, people talk too much. I’m just as guilty as everybody else. I would have a problem with somebody, I would bitch about it to my girlfriends. To my family. To the lady on the train. What it all boiled down to is I just wanted someone to listen to me. The person or situation that I had the issue with wouldn’t listen to me so I just wanted to be heard. The problem with doing that, though, is that people don’t forget. Life moves fast. One minute we can be livid with someone or something and the next minute all is forgotten and forgiven and life is roses again. But our friends or our family or the lady on the train doesn’t know that. So they remember. And they hold grudges.

Another problem with bitching about our problems to anybody who will listen is that the person we are talking to is only hearing one side of the story. And we all know that whenever we tell a story we’ll leave out the bad parts that we do and make the other person look like a monster. It’s normal human nature. And it’s to be expected. When my children tattle on each other, I have to remember that I will get two different versions of the same story and the truth is usually somewhere there in the middle. The people that we are venting to need to keep that in mind as well.
I made the mistake of constantly complaining to my one girlfriend about the same person, over and over again. Well, of course I left out most of what I did to him. I mean, she knows me, she knows I’m no angel so she knows I probably played a role in it. Of course, I made sure to let her think that the role I played was a very minimal role and basically placed all of the blame on this person. So my friend, being my friend, can’t stand this person. And because my friend is so vocal in her opinions, she has made it known, quite clearly, that she can’t stand this person. And thus the damage is done.

When people feel the need to get in your business and assert their opinions, it’s gone too far. When people feel the need to publicly bash a person or situation that is absolutely none of their business, it has gone too far.
That happened to me today. I was perusing some of my favorite websites and came across a blog written about me. And then as I was reading the comments left on that blog, well, let’s just say it hurt. Very deeply.

Ironically enough, Monday night I got into a very large argument with a woman. I called her and she started sobbing, telling me that I hurt her because I don’t call her anymore and she’s always been there for me and I just dropped her and blah blah blah. I told her that I’m sorry that I hurt her but that I don’t talk to very many people anymore. And then she started badmouthing a person that I care very deeply about. I interrupted her and told that that that right there is the exact reason why I do not call her anymore. There are a million subjects that she can discuss with me, and every time I talk to her she has to start talking about the one topic that is off limits with me. If she can’t respect my life and my choices and the people that I have in my life, then she doesn’t need to be in my life.

I have several points. First, mind your own business. Second, there are always two sides to every story. Third, words hurt. Deeply.

I have a great boyfriend

One of my biggest faults is that I’m really good at pushing people away. I spent almost a year with a man who loved me more than anything in this world and would have done anything for me. For that almost year, I spent the majority of the time being criticizing him and doing my best to push him away. Well I succeeded. I pushed him away, at least temporarily. Those months that we were on rocky ground gave me a new appreciation for him and all that he is. I am so fortunate because after all the rough times that we had, he STILL loves me more than anything in this world.

I have this perfume that he and I absolutely love. It’s my favorite perfume but for the life of me I can never remember what it’s called. Many months ago he and I were at the outlet mall and wandered into the a perfume store. We found my perfume but it wasn’t cheap so we didn’t get any. he and I were leaving Macy’s the other night and on our way out the door, he stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a bottle of my perfume.

I woke up this morning with a pinched nerve and can’t move my neck very well. I wanted to stick it out because my regular doctor is out of town, but my limited movement has grown increasingly more limited as the day goes on. I called my doctor’s office back and they told me that I could see his partner tonight, but they close at 6:00. Being downtown, that means I have to leave work 45 minutes early to catch an earlier train. Because I can barely turn my neck, I’m not so sure I’ll be able to drive. Rand is very busy at work these days, but I figured I’d ask him if he could leave a bit early to drive me. I know we spent the weekend together and I figured he’d have plans tonight, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. My sweet man, in his typical nonchalant fashion, says “I suppose I could manage that”.

I really do have a wonderful boyfriend. No, he’s not perfect. And sometimes, just as I’m SURE the same applies for me, he has these traits that drive me up a wall. But you know what? He's perfect for me. He loves me more than anything in this world. And he may not get excited about things the way I do and he may give me a hard time about things sometimes, but he’s my baby and I love him back. But more importantly than loving him back is I appreciate him.

Thanks baby.

What a week.....

Life is certainly getting busier now that it's the end of the year. Work was crazy all week, but I was able to get everything done. Randy met me for lunch on Thursday and that was real nice. We haven't been able to have lunch together for quite some time. Thursday night I actually order the NFL Network just so we could watch the Packers/Cowboys game. Can you believe it's $6.99 a month and it's only one channel? I mean, for my Starz package, which includes 4 or 5 channels plus all the On Demand stuff I only pay $4.99 a month. But I think it's worth it. Come summertime when I'm missing my football I'll really put it to use!

Friday I went out with some of my friends after work. That was a lot of fun because I hadn't seen them for a few months. It was good to catch up and hang out.

Saturday Randy and I went into the City. What a perfect day it was! When we left the house it was snowing, but the snow was just blowing around and not sticking. By the time we got about 5 miles away the snow was sticking and the roads were getting slippery. I slowed down to about 45 on the e-way (hey, I've lived here all my life - I know how to drive in the damn snow!), but it seemed like the majority of the other drivers forgot it was December in Chicago and therefore continued to drive their typical 75 mph. And, inevitably, we came across a couple spin-outs on the e-way. We headed on to to Northside because we were looking for a store that Rand wanted to check out. I went the wrong direction on North Avenue, but that's ok because I remembered that there was a cool Mexican restaurant that I had eaten at last year so we stopped. It was a good thing too because by that time it was a blizzard and the roads were wretched. So we ate and then he was sweet enough to drive. We never did find the store he wanted to check out, but it was cool anyway because he had never been to that part of the City so he got to see Lincoln Park, Humboldt Park, Wicker Park, etc....so he was happy.

He and I went downtown and by that time the snow had pretty much melted and the rain was turning into sleet (we love our weather!) We went to Nordstrom's and some other stores. We went to Water Tower Place which was especially cool to me because I hadn't been there in years. It was great doing some shopping and going into some of our favorite stores and seeing things that we liked. Macy's and Banana Republic had some great outfits put together and, as usual, I wanted to buy most of what I saw in Express. But, for the most part, I kept my charge cards put away and just window shopped...and decided what I was going to buy at the after Christmas sales! We were pretty exhausted by the time we left and it was getting pretty icy out so we just went home and watched a movie. It was a fabulous day.

This morning we went to breakfast so he could get his yummy cornbeef hash omelet and then we came home and watched football. Sundays in the fall/winter were always our lazy day when we just laid around the house and watched whatever games were on. I would always fall asleep for a quarter but he was tired today so he napped. It's nice that we were able to have that today.

The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy. My birthday is Wednesday, my office Christmas party is Friday, the next Friday is another Christmas party that Rand and I are going to, that Saturday is his birthday, then comes Christmas Eve and Christmas, then he leaves for his friend's wedding the day after Christmas and back a couple days later, then comes New Years....we're going to be exhausted! But we're both in good spirits and, to be honest, I'm actually starting to feel like myself again, or a new and improved version.

Cass' health problems have disappeared, my ex has gotten off my back, work is going great and, how funny this may sound, I'm falling in love all over again with my boyfriend. It was a rough few months but I got through it!

List of the Day - 10 things I'm grateful for

It's been awhile since I did a gratitude list. I was visiting with my girlfriend today and she was telling me everything that was wrong in her life right now and I looked at her and said why don't you tell me what you do have that's right. Pretty powerful words that I need to listen to myself. So here are some of the things that I'm grateful for.

1. Cass. She and I fight often, but she is my Angel Girl. I'm so proud of her for the accomplishments that she's done. She is a kind, smart young lady and I'm proud to be her mom.

2. Tristan. My baby boy. Yes, he's spoiled and I'm the one who spoils him. He's my last baby and he's still young enough to be babied. Besides, I'm not having anymore!!!

3. My family. I've tried shutting them out these past several months but they haven't given up on me. My grandparents call weekly to check on me, my dad comes over to give me books, my brother texts and calls me often and my mom tells me that she loves me. That's a lot to be grateful for right there.

4. Randy. He's my lobster, what can I say.

5. My job. I feel that all the hard work I've done these past 14 years is finally starting to pay off.

6. My friends. I have some of the best friends in the world. When I feel like I'm alone and no one understands, I don't have to look very far to find someone. They put up with my distance and my tears and my uncertainties. They support me and love me in everything that I do.

7. My faith. I may not be so sure what I believe in anymore, but I know I believe in Something and that's good enough for me.

8. Food. I can remember when I was a very young single mother and I had to work three jobs - all of them at restaurants, just so I could eat and take care of my Angel Girl. I've complained about the weight that I gained last year and I complained about the weight that I lost this year, but the fact is I am very blessed to even have food in my fridge and cabinets because there was a time when I didn't.

9. My house. Yes, my house is old. Yes, there are things that need to be done to it that I can't do right now, either because I have no clue how to do it or because I don't have the money. But it's all mine. I own it. And the mess is my mess. And the projects are my projects. And the lawn that needs raking is my lawn that needs raking. It's mine. I worked hard to get this house and I worked even harder to keep it. It was always my dream to own my own home and now I do.

10. My car. My car is a pain in the ass. It's got 114000 miles on it and things go wrong and I get frustrated. I'm a horrible driver (I run redlights on purpose, only pause at stop signs and drive entirely too fast). I hate pumping gas and I hate getting in the car when it's too hot or too cold. But guess what. It's mine. It's paid off, it's in good condition, and it gets me where I want to go.

So then next time I start saying poor me, poor me, I just need to remember that I have more than a lot of people do. I may not have everything that I want, but I do have everything that I need and a lot of what I want.

Last day of a 4-day weekend....

And what a weekend it has been!!! Wednesday the office closed early which was nice. Of course the train was crowded as hell, but at least I managed to get on it. Had to stand the whole way but I didn't mind. The kids were with their dad Wednesday night so I was able to relax and watch t.v.

Turkey Day I got up early and baked an apple pie. Yummy! We went to my grandparents and I got to see my Packers win so that was a definite bonus! Tristan, being Tristan, slipped on the kitchen floor and cracked his head on the china cabinet. Immediate lump and bleeding, but no stitches required luckily. Cass ended up staying at her dad's that night, so Tristan and I came home and watched t.v.

Believe it or not, he and I woke up at 3:00 in the morning to go shopping. I couldn't believe how chipper he was! It wasn't as bad as it's been in years past. Probably because I used to go to WalMart and have since decided to boycott that establishment. It was actually a pleasant shopping experience. And I got some great deals! We were home by 5 and I went straight back to bed. Tristan stayed up playing PlayStation so he was tired the whole day.

Cass went to the movies Friday night with her friends so Tristan and I ended up watching movies. We bummed around in our p.j.'s all day and that was, well, pretty boring. We did rent Nanny McPhee and that was a really cute movie.

Today I woke up early and started cleaning. I've been doing my Sudoku puzzles again so that's been fun. I dropped Cass off at her girlfriend's house and then Tristan and I headed out to Indiana to my girlfriend Tina's house. She's going through a rough time and is back living with her parents. She and I met my 8th grade year and I haven't seen her since high school. We lost contact for a long time and just recently found each other again. It's really nice to have friends that you've known for that long. Anyway, Tristan and I went out to her house and he had fun playing with her boys. Then my other friend who lives out that way met us at her house and the six of us went for pizza. I told them I'd lead the way and of course got myself lost. Actually, I just decided to take us all on the scenic route ;-). The pizza was good....three adults and three boys under the age of 8....we probably scared the other patrons in the restaurant! Then we went to see Enchanted. That was a really cute movie. Yes, it's a Disney movie and yes, it was pretty predictable. But you know what I decided? I do still believe in true love and I do still believe in Prince Charming and I do still believe in fairytales and in happy endings. And I'm totally ok with that.

I talked with my girlfriend Dawna today and she said something that I really needed to hear. She told me that I'm doing the right thing. Shit, it's been so long since somebody's said that to me. It's rough when you can't trust your instincts anymore and you question your judgment. I can only remember one other time in my life when I've felt this foggy about things. I just don't want to become the person that I became after I got out of that fog. But I think I'll be ok this time. I'm going to believe in my dreams and keep my mouth shut and listen to my inner voice.

And now I must go. I have four teenagers upstairs that need me keeping an eye on them, although from the sounds of Cass yelling I'm pretty sure Tristan is doing a good job at that!

Life at 30 (two years later)

They say that by the time you turn 30 you pretty much know who you are and what you want out of life. In many ways I believe that to be true. While I was a mother for all of my 20’s, I still spent the majority of my 20’s making decisions that I later realized that I didn’t want. So yes, by the time I turned 30 I had a better idea of how I wanted my life to be and goals that I wanted to achieve. I set my plans in motion and two years later I can say that while I may not be totally there yet, I have made great strides in achieving what I want.

I entered a relationship over a year ago with the mindset that I was going to be me and he would learn to live in my world. Ironically, he had similar thoughts. About four months ago he and I hit a rough patch in our relationship. Our stubbornness and refusal to compromise, or rather stop being so selfish brought us to the decision point. It literally came down to make it or break it. Luckily, we have a strong foundation of love and that managed to keep us together through that rough time. And because of that foundation, we are learning to not be so stubborn. We recognized that the way we communicated was more destructive than productive to our love. We are learning to respond rather than react. We are learning that it just takes a little bit of giving on our parts to make the other happy. We are learning to combine our two worlds instead of expecting the other to live in our own.

Yes, life may begin at 30, but good communication and relationship skills are not things that will magically appear just by willing it to do so. Those, like with everything else in life, are things that you need to work hard towards. The difference between life in your 20’s and life in your 30’s, at least to me, is that you recognize what works for you and what doesn’t and that you realize that all goals require effort and you take the steps necessary to achieve them. Every journey begins with one step.

Your opinion of me is none of my business

That’s right. Your opinion of me is none of my business, and my opinion of you is none of your business. The more I say it, the better I feel.

I used to be the type of person who would tell anyone and everyone about themselves. What a witch I was. Can you imagine how many people I hurt with my vocal and blunt opinions? Especially the people I love?

And then one day I got my karma. That’s right. Someone that I was close to began to tell me his opinions of me and I didn’t like it. It began with “you’re controlling” and went to “you’re a whore” and ended up with “you’re psycho and need to be in a nuthouse”. Yes, I reaped what I sowed. I began to see myself from the position that I had put other people in. The cruel criticism and character assassinations that I was on the receiving end of caused me to view myself in a very unhealthy manner. I was depressed. I couldn’t find anything good about myself. I began to believe that something was wrong with me. I believed that I was a horrible person and that this person was right in everything he said to me.

But I was wrong. It was only his opinion. And his opinion is none of my business. Let people think what they want of me. They can’t change how I view myself: as a fabulous mother, lover, girlfriend, child and friend.

Currently Listening To...

Never Make Someone a Priority When You are Nothing More Than Their Option

That's probably the best advice I've ever heard. I mean, when you think about it, it's totally true. You spend all your time putting someone else first in your life. You wonder what they're thinking, are they happy, are they sad, what can you do to make them happy. And to them, you're nothing more than an afterthought. Someone to warm their bed once a week. A weekend girlfriend or boyfriend or something like that. They spend maybe one day with you on the weekend. And then when Monday comes, they ignore you like you don't exist. MAYBE they'll send you a text message or an email. MAYBE they'll answer the phone if you call. But, more often than not, they don't think about you. You get frustrated and sad and wonder what did you do that was so wrong. What can you do differently to get them to look at you the way you look at them. But the truth is, nothing. When it's gone, it's gone.

All you can do is stop making someone a priority when you are nothing more than their option.

Life Changes Fast....

There's been a lot happening the past few months. I was really depressed for a very long time. I guess what was happening was I was going through the grieving process. It's kind of ironic to say that you're going through the grieving process for the end of a relationship while you're still in the relationship, but nevertheless that's what was happening to me. I don't know when it happened. All I know is that I woke up one day and decided that I didn't care anymore. I shouldn't say that I don't care anymore because I do care. I just don't care enough. I held on so tightly to something that was already gone. But I know I had to go through things the way that they happened or else I wouldn't have gotten through it. It just sucks. I still feel that it's not real or that I'm in a bad dream and I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be back to normal. But I know they won't. I don't love him the same. And he doesn't love me the same. I said my goodbyes tonight. After begging and pleading and bargaining and negotiating, I finally gave up. This isn't what I want. This isn't love and relationships shouldn't be like this. I have no doubt that he'll be fine without me. Maybe he'll meet someone more suited to him. Someone who will accept what he has to offer and be happy with it. I'm just not that woman.

Today I hate everybody

If it's not one thing it's another. And today I've decided that I pretty much hate everybody. So I'm going to rant and rave and then I'll feel better (hopefully).

First I've been trying to get the doctor to take my daughter off her medication for two months. Yes, two months. Do you think they listen to me? No, I'm just her mother. The medication has had the opposite affect. But no, that's not a good enough reason. How about this one. She now has an overactive thyroid which I know was caused by the medication and has to go see a specialist for treatment. I wonder if they'll think that's a good enough reason, assholes.

I hate owning a house. The drain in the basement floor was backing up so I called the plumber to come rod it out. Yea. $300 for that visit and he wasn't even sure if he solved the problem.

And my car. Someone was kind enough to take it to Jiffy Lube to get the oil changed on Saturday. As soon as I got it back, the trans was slipping. Of course, I didn't realize it until I had been driving on the highway for an hour on my way to St. Louis. So I shakingly made it to St. Louis, had my best friend's husband put an additive in there, and hoped I'd make it home without incident. Of course, right before I left for home it started slipping again. So I panicked and R gave me a pep talk and I drove home. Well, long story short, it's not leaking trans fluid anywhere that my mechanic can see and the radiator is fine. So the only thing we can do is drive it for a couple days and check it again to see if it's still losing trans fluid. Can we say frustrating?

And the cherry on top of my shit sunday? Yup...you guessed it....R and I are on the outs again. God I am so sick of this. It's such bullshit. It's such bullshit that I can't even wrap my brain about it. I do know this. I don't believe in love anymore. It's all a lie.

And do I feel better now? Hell no.
So, there's my rant

An Open Letter

Dear Men:

Look, we love you. We admire you, we cherish you and we know how smart you are. But let's face it. You don't think the way us women do. So when we make a suggestion of something sweet that you could do for us, we're not trying to control you. We're not trying to dictate your life and we certainly aren't trying to manipulate you. We just know, as women do, that you won't think of it on your own. It's not that you don't care about us. It's not that you're stupid. It's just that you men rarely think on an emotional level. So that's why we try to help you along by offering suggestions of what you can do. Instead of taking offense and puffing out your chest (because we already know and appreciate that you are the strong handsome man), maybe you could just do it. I mean, we already know you would have thought of it yourself if you didn't have all these other more important issues on your mind.

Remember, keeping your woman happy will ultimately keep you happy. Then we won't pout and make your life miserable. Because really, we just want to be shown how much you love us and how much we mean to you. That's all. So do us a favor (and yourselves) and be sweet to us. Trust me. The appreciation that you get from us may just make you lay back and say "oh yes".

Love always,
Women

Stubbornness and Suspicians

Dictionary.com defines stubbornness as being “…fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute…” Have you even known anyone like that? Someone who has it in their head that a situation is a certain way and nothing that they see or hear is going to change their mind? I used to be like that.

As a matter of fact, there was a situation one time that I was convinced happened exactly the way that I thought it did, and nothing was going to change my mind. Someone had told me a story about my boyfriend and I was absolutely 100% convinced that it was true. And of course, me being the analytical person that I am, I was able to find all the “evidence” that I needed to tie into this story that I was told. Of course, I was wrong. There was no “evidence”, just some poor choices made by my boyfriend as he tried to protect me and some creative imagination on my part. But I held on to that story. Boy did I. I swore that it was the truth and he had done this atrocity and nothing he said was going to change my mind. When I think back to all the time I wasted being mad at him for something that he didn’t do, and I was too stupid to believe him, it makes me sick. Yes, my stubbornness almost cost me my relationship.

I used to be a really jaded person. I didn’t believe anything that my boyfriend told me and was punishing him for everything that had ever been done to me. And when he did make an actual screw-up, well dammit I was so hard on him that he felt he had to be perfect. I expected perfection from him, but I told him that he had to accept me for who I am. What a hypocrite I was. There is something that he said to me that I will always remember and I try to live by. He told me that I have to stop thinking the worst of him. If I just automatically assume the best of him, then things will be right.

I had to learn not to be so stubborn. I had to remind myself over and over again that things are not always as they appear. I had to get myself out of lawyer-mode (interrogator/suspicious mode) and take what a person says to me as being the truth. I had to tell myself that if this person loves me, then they aren’t lying to me. I had to stop accusing them and thinking the worst of them. And I had to always assume the best from my boyfriend, even if things made no sense to me.

Cowards and Agendas and Saints

Dear spreadtheword3:

I personally want to thank you for butting into my business. And I really want to thank you for forwarding me the emails that you shared with the man that I loved, showing me all the cruel words that he spoke of me and letting me know what his REAL opinion of me is. I find it ironic that you say you come because of God, yet your actions are that of someone with an agenda. If I believed in God, I would have to think that God is of the loving nature. And if God is of the loving nature, then would he want you to do something to another that would cause them pain? Emotional pain, yes, but pain none the less.

See, I was on the road to recovery. I was healing just fine and was ready to get on with my life. And every time you felt the need to send me an email it just reopened wounds that were starting to heal. Now I have no freaking clue what you did yesterday to him. But whatever you did, it must have been something to set him off on the writing rampage that he is on to destroy me.

For some reason he thinks that I am you. And I am led to believe that you are him, or at least one of his family members. I find it quite ironic that I spoke to no one about he and I having another falling out. I thought it was just another spat and we’d get over it, like we always do. So no one, none of my friends, no one in my family, no one that I work with, NO ONE knew that he and I were at odds. And yet, I get a forwarded email from you, spreadtheword, where you quote some of my words, and to make it worse, you say that I told you these words. Well, guess what. I only said those words to one person, and that is him. So wherever you’re getting your information from, at least be upfront about it.

I will say that I have to agree with him. You are quite the coward. And to do so in the name of God is quite scandalous. But whatever your intent was, in the end it’ll come out. You can’t hurt me anymore because I simply don’t care anymore. So, if that was your mission, you have succeeded. Bravo.

The Line

There are a lot of hypothetical lines....the line between fact and fiction, the line between love and hate, the line between what is forgivable and what isn't, the line between sticking up for yourself and being cruel.....

Let's take the line between fact and fiction. Say there is a fight between a couple. The wife goes to her girlfriends and tells them all about the fight, from her point of view of course. The husband goes to his friends and family and tells them all about the fight, from his point of view. Each point of view is told in such a way that it makes the person telling it look like the victim and the other party a monster. So is each story a fact? Or is it fiction? I've heard it said that there are three sides to every story: my side, your side and the truth.

The line between love and hate is more difficult to discern. Each are both very passionate emotions. But is it possible to love someone and then turn around the next day and hate them just as much? I don't think it is.

Where do you draw the line between what is forgivable and what isn't? Can you forgive someone for hurting you? What if they hurt you over and over and over and over again? When do you stop and say I can't forgive you anymore? This is a tough one for me because I promote love and forgiveness. So when something happens, or a string of something happens, in my life, I can find it very hard to forgive a person. But I think what I'm discovering is that my lack of forgiveness would only hurt myself. So, therefore, I think I can forgive a person for almost anything, but I don't have to subject myself to this person's actions anymore.

The line between sticking up for myself and being cruel is one that I'm still struggling with, although not quite as bad as I once was. See, I was the one who always went on the offensive. I would tell a person about themselves before they had the opportunity to get me. But what I realized, eventually, is that all that did is alienate the ones that I love and make me seem like a horrible person. And I'm really not a horrible person, I just have a big mouth that opens before my brain can tell it to shut. On the other hand, if you let a person treat you like crap over and over again, and you just sit there and take it, that's wrong too. Your actions have to match your words. If you say you love someone, don't say horrible things to them or about them. If you say you aren't going to put up with this nonsense, then do not put up with it. And if a person can't treat you exactly as they expect you to treat them, then they don't need to be in your life.

Life is not always black and white. There really are a lot of shades of gray in there. Not every situation is the same, and not every person is the same. If you want someone to forgive you, you have to forgive them. If you want someone to treat you like they love you, you have to treat them with love. If you want someone to be kind to you, you have to be kind to them. And you can't react the same to every situation. Your opinion is not the only one that matters. And if you go off the deep end, you may do something that not only you will regret, but will cause irreparable harm to the relationship and to the other person. Think before you act. Think before you speak. And above all else, treat others as you wish to be treated.

Just one of those days

I should have known it by the anxiety attacks I was having on Monday, but I figured it was all the coffee and the Excedrin that I had taken that was making me so jittery.

Last night my knee popped out again, and this time I think I really did some damage to it. It's swollen and very difficult to walk, but I have it bandaged. I should have gone to the hospital but I couldn't get ahold of the only person with keys to my house and couldn't figure out how I was going to open the door if I called an ambulance. So I did something that I probably shouldn't have done and moved it back in place.....ugh. Funny how someone as weak stomached as I am has consistently been able to pop her kneecap back into place every time it pops out. I guess I'd rather take that quick pain than the inability to walk and the constant pain of a bone being where it shouldn't be. It's still gross though. The muscles there are already weak, and I've been trying to put off the surgery until next year, but it feels like I might have REALLY messed it up so I may have to have the surgery sooner than I wanted. I don't even want to go into all the reason that won't work for me. But whatever happens happens I guess.

This morning Cass texted me and said she has her court date tonight from when her and her friends got beat up by that boy last month. Of course I got no notification, so after the run around on the phone I finally was able to discover that yes indeed the boy has court tonight. Unfortunately it's at 6:00 so that means I have to skip my lunch and leave work early so that I can be there on time. I have no idea what I'm going to do with Tristan. I don't feel all that comfortable bringing him into a courtroom, but I guess I don't have any other option since I have no one to watch him.

Well, the good news is that it's Thursday. Today will fly by and tomorrow will be a breeze, and then I'll have a nice relaxing weekend that is drama free. I swear, all the dumb shit that I'm been focusing my energy on lately is wearing on me. I'm going to be a much happier person now that all the ignorant people are out of my life.

And Happy Wednesday

Halfway through the week, finally!!!! Surprisingly, though, the week has flown by. It may have something to do with the fact that Randy and I are back together, and every day with him is something I treasure.

I've started cooking again and I've even created another blog page that I'm posting some of my recipes on. It's fun and something different. The kids aren't so glad that I'm cooking, but they did like my oven fried chicken last night! I think they'd prefer to eat McDonalds every day of the week!

Oh well. Life is good, I'm happy, and I've found a new appreciation for the ones in my life.

Showing Your Appreciation

How often do we take the people in our life for granted? We go on about our days, rushing here and doing this and taking care of that. Do we let the ones we care about know how much they mean to us? Or do we take them for granted? Do we think that they know how important they are to us? Do we tell them?

When Randy and I first started dating, ours was a long distance relationship. It was hard because we would only see each other on the weekends. But the circumstances were what they were, so we had no choice but to make the best of it. When Saturday morning would come and he would walk in my door, the first thing I would do would be to go to him. We would stand there for a few minutes with our arms around each other, breathing in the scent of each other and letting the other know how much we missed them. He moved here to be with me 6 months into our relationship and somehow along the line I began to stop greeting him like that. Why? I think it was because I grew so accustomed to seeing him everyday. He drove 10 miles instead of 320 miles to see me. I began to take him for granted. I thought he knew how much I appreciated him, but yet I stopped telling him and I stopped showing him. A big mistake because then he had his doubts.

Do I tell my daughter how proud of her I am? How beautiful she is and what a good girl she is? I didn’t. Do I tell my son how smart he is? How he’s growing up to be such a big boy and how much I love him? I didn’t. Do I tell Randy how grateful I am that he’s in my life? How I know that he is a good man and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I didn’t. See, I had no problem telling everyone else these things, but I never would tell the ones who it would mean the most to. I would tell everybody that my daughter is a good girl, that my son is smart, and that Randy is a good man. But I wouldn’t tell them.

But now I do. Now, I tell my angel how proud of her I am. Now, I tell my son how smart he is. Now, I tell Randy how much I love him. And now, when I see him, I greet him with a hug and a kiss. Because he deserves to know how much I love him. My children deserve to know how grateful for them that I am.

Appreciating a person is one thing. Showing your appreciation is what really counts.

Well, duh....

Patience. Dictionary.com describes it as...

...an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay...

Patience is definitely not one of my strong points. At times I've very childish in that I want what I want and I want it now. I don't want to wait. I hate the feeling of sitting here doing nothing and waiting for things to occur. But the thing that I just realized is that sometimes I'm so blinded by my impatience that I completely miss what is right in front of my face. HELLO!!!!! Wake up, Jenn!!!! I already got what I wanted. What in the world is there to be impatient about? If I keep saying well I want this and I want this, how can I be happy with and appreciate what I already have?

Sometimes, I really do miss the forest for the trees.

Shhhhhh.....don't tell anybody '-)

What a Great Weekend '-)

After a rough week, Friday finally arrived. I should have known that it would have been a different sort of day because I woke up early that morning after having a very bizarre, yet realistic, dream. I came to work and had an email from my ex. Now, I always say that I'm going to delete his emails without reading them, but I never do because I always hoped that that one email would be the one I was waiting for. And my faith paid off because it was! We met for lunch and it was nice. He got a new "toy" and was showing me how it worked so that was interesting.

Friday night my girlfriend and I had dinner at Fogo de Chao. It's a Brazillian steakhouse and the experience was incredible. The food was the best that I've ever eaten and I left there feeling very full and very sleepy! Then she and I went to see a play entitled "The Night of the Iguana". It's based off of Tennessee Williams' poem of the same title. A guy that I work with was in it and Carla is my theatre buddy so that's why we chose that one. It was a good time.

Saturday I cleaned the house and then my friend Chris came to pick me up. We went to a Mexican restaurant had had dinner. The food wasn't all that great but the drinks were! Randy met us there and the waitress bought us all shots. As much as those men tried to goad me into taking it, I stood my ground and didn't. Then we went to the haunted house. Or rather, we tried to go to the haunted house. We fought our way through the maze of the parking lot and got in line. After standing in line for 2 hours we decided to leave since we weren't even halfway there. My daughter told me the next day that she stood in line for four hours before getting in so I'm glad that we left.

Sunday Randy and I went to breakfast and then chilled around the house watching football (our typical Sunday tradition). It was nice. He brought his guitar over and was playing and singing for me. He has a beautiful voice and plays very well. Then my brother came over for a little bit. After he left, Randy and I decided to go to the local forest preserve so he could take some photos. It was a nice experience because he is so passionate about his photography. He was explaining all these different things to me about good light and bad light and angles and things like that. I think he thought that I didn't care, but really it was just a lot of information for me to absorb. Most of the time, even if I don't understand what he's talking about I just like listening to him because of the wide range of knowledge that he has and his ability to make anything sound exciting.

So that's it. My weekend was great and it was a much needed break.

Currently Listening To....

It has always been one of my favorite songs, and this morning as I was driving to the train station I heard it on the radio. Enjoy.

I'm taking a break

I'm not going to be blogging on this for awhile. I need a break. The hardest thing to do is to live a life full of love and forgiveness when the one who taught you how to be that isn't living it himself. I am so tired of people telling me that I shouldn't do this or I shouldn't do that or that I'm a hypocrite or that I shouldn't forgive him or this or that. I live my life according to my beliefs and principles and I am not ashamed. And if that means that I forgive him every time he says a cruel word to me then so be it. If that means that I will continue to be in love with him then so be it. But for the first time I am shifting my focus of my love inward. See, it was never a matter of not loving myself because I have always loved myself. I just loved him first, before myself, and that is why I took so much of what I've gone through. But finally, finally I am going to love myself first. That doesn't mean that I love him any less or that I'm giving up hope. It simply means that I am putting myself first, my peace of mind first, healing my heart first. And if that means that I have to change my phone number to do so, then I will. And if that means that I won't open his emails, then I will. And if that means that I have to be alone for the next 30 years until he decides that he wants me, then I will. But whatever it is, no matter how long it takes, I will love myself first above anyone else. I will live a life full of love and forgiveness and my actions will meet my words.

But still, for now, I'm taking a break. This website is dedicated to him because I am his angel. And right now I need my peace. So I will still write, just not on here.

Weird

I got a couple emails this morning from an unknown person telling me not to give up on My Love. At first I thought it was My Love, but then I reached into my mind and remembered what I read this morning. Everything happens for a reason and there is no such thing as coincidence. People come into your life for a reason. Focus on the good. When my girlfriend and her boyfriend were estranged, an unknow person began emailing them and got them back together. So I think I'm going to sit back and see how this transpires. It could be interesting as I don't have any negative vibes going on.

What is Love?

I was reading a blog written by my girlfriend and in it she asked the question "What is Love - a Feeling or an Action?" In it she went on to say that love is an action. It's the little things that are done once the euphoria of new love has worn off. It's the smiles, the gentle touches, the knowledge of that person's love for you.

I think she's right on a certain level, but my meaning of love goes much deeper than that. Love is the balance of the Universe. Love is the center of all things that are good and pure. Love is walking down the street and seeing the sun reflect off the buildings. Love is the smile on the homeless person's face as you make eye contact with them. Love is receiving Your Love's energy as he holds you in his arms and offers his energy to you. Love is watching your daughter as she shows you her new cheer. Love is listening to your son as he reads a big kids book to you. Love is the sound of the wind in the trees. Love is the green of the grass, the colors of the flowers and changing leaves. The sound of the waves as they crash upon the sand. The warmth of the sun as it shines on you. The rain that falls and gives life to all that is living. Love is taking that energy from the beauty of all that surrounds you and allowing it to fill you up. Love is the peace that you get when you are centered. Love is radiating that energy and allowing others to be drawn to your energy. Love is more than a feeling, more than an action. Love is the energy that moves us all, that balances us all. Love is our center.

And another day

Today was better than yesterday. Work was busy, I was in a positive mood and I actually cooked dinner tonight. I'm reading a fascinating book called the Celestine Prophesy and it's incredible. It's written in fiction format, but some of the things the author states I can completely identify with. I'm learning so much these past couple of days and I'm really excited about it.

Other than that, I'm just taking things one day at a time. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I'm going to do my best to remain positive and happy.

Coincidence or Destiny?

The year was 1991. She was seeing a boy who worked at a fast food restaurant outside the normal places they hung out at. She went to visit him and, in passing, said hi to one of his coworkers. Coincidence or Destiny?

June, 2006. She was bored and playing on the internet. She went to a high school's webpage that some of her friends had gone to and started clicking through the names. She came across one name in particular, looked and moved on. The next day she went back to the webpage, clicked on the name from the night before and sent him a hello. Coincidence or Destiny?

June, 2006. He said they probably shouldn't talk because they will fall head over heels in love and they will be linked forever. Coincidence or Destiny?

July, 2006. She posted an old picture of her and her friend at a goth club in Florida. She discovered that the man from the webpage was a photographer and the girls in the picture used to model for him. Coincidence or Destiny?

November, 2006. He came to visit her and took her to see his cousins. It was there that she learned that his cousin-in-law used to work with her friend that lives in Florida. Coincidence or Destiny?

April, 2007. They hadn't spoken for two weeks. She was running late, trying to catch her train and saw him standing in the train depot. Coincidence or Destiny?

June, 2007. She got a new job. It was one direct block from where his office is located. Coincidence or Destiny?

October, 2007. They were having problems again. She left work early and came into the train station from a different direction. As she was walking in, she saw him walking in from a different door. Coincidence or Destiny?

October 15, 2007. Her heart was breaking, her center was lost. She stood on the porch, looking into the moonlight and concentrated, sending her energy into the Universe to bring him home. She laid down in bed and saw headlights turning into her driveway. It was him. Coincidence or Destiny?

She lived in Germany as a child, he speaks fluent German. Coincidence or Destiny? Her brother's name is Rob, they call his brother Rob. Coincidence or Destiny? She didn't believe in love, he didn't believe in love. Coincidence or Destiny? She is a Sagittarius, he is a Sagittarius. Coincidence or Destiny? Her birthday is 12/5, his birthday is 12/15. Coincidence or Destiny? Before she met him, before she knew what he looked like, his is the face from her dreams. Coincidence or Destiny? 15 years passed between the time they first met to the time they reconnected. 15, the date of his birthday. Coincidence or Destiny?

I don't believe in coincidences. There is a reason for everything and everything happens as it should. When so many things happen that can't be explained away by mere chance, it is your destiny. You can try to fight it, but it will be a losing battle. Things are what they are, they are as they should be. All these "chance" circumstances are simply the Universe telling you what is right. You can't ignore the signs. It only prolongs the inevitable. You have to embrace your destiny because only then will that restless, empty feeling leave you. Love is the center of the Universe, it is the balance of all that exists. When the Universe is giving you these signs, nudging you towards your Love, you can't back away. Until you become One with Love, you will always feel lost. You will never have balance. Go to your Center. Become One and find your peace.

And here we go....

Have you ever had the rug pulled out from under you? Have you ever lived in a nightmare? Have you ever been wondering when you were going to wake up? Welcome to my life, or at least what my life has been since August 4. But that's all done and over with. Today marks the end of the end, and the beginning of me. I'm not harboring any bitterness, I refuse to be vindictive and there will be no more begging or tears. I will simply be...me. So welcome to my journey, this new path that I'm on. It won't be the search for love and it won't be a path of survival. It will simply be me, living my life, day in and day out. It will be me loving my kids. It will be me getting out from underneath my ex-husband and his family's thumb. It will be me enjoying my friends and making new ones. It will be me.

Enjoy my journey.

It is as I thought

So much happened yesterday that I can't even begin to express. Maybe I'm just not ready to share. Things that I knew all along are being reaffirmed in my readings. There is no such thing as coincidence and all is as it should be. The mind is a powerful thing and its amazing what can happen when you focus your energy for good. My faith is restored: if you give love, you will receive love. If you give strength, you will receive strength.

Today's the Day

It's the perfect day for it, too. I just need to hop on the El and its only three stops away. I'm excited but not the least bit nervous. It just feels right.

I lost my friend today.....

Looking back I can see that she really was a good friend to me. The only reason I ever doubted her was because someone would make sure to badmouth her, make sure to plant seeds of doubt about her motives. Looking back I can see that she is the one who gave me encouragement. She is the one who called to make sure I’m ok. She is the one who gave me strength to continue on. Finally he got to us. Finally he tore apart our friendship in the best possible way. Finally, he became everything that he accused her of being.

I’m sorry Vicki. I’m sorry I doubted your intentions. I’m sorry I questioned our friendship. I make no excuses, I was a fool and blinded by him. I wish you nothing but the best in your life and with your love. Cherish it, treasure it, value it. Believe in yourself and don't let anyone try to lead you astray.

I could....

I could say I'm angry but I'm not. I could say I'm hurt but I'm not. I could say my heart is broken but it's not. To tell the truth, I've been waiting for this day to come. Fooling myself into believing that we are meant to be together was just a way to not feel the pain. My girlfriend told me that I have to walk through the fire, and it's going to hurt, but once I got through it I would look back and wonder what took me so long. What I didn't realize was that I was already in the fire. It would come and go. There would be brief moments when he would come back, of course to get what he wanted from me, only to leave again...leaving me wounded and doubting. I can't blame him because a person will only do what you allow them to do. And I allowed it. But never again.

I can actually say I'm glad it's over. The wondering, the worrying, the crying, the despair that I felt. I won't go so far as to say that I'm numb, but whatever feelings I still have for him are buried deep within, hopefully never to come out. I've ended my friendship with his cousin because he even had to blog about that. I don't peruse his websites because quite frankly I don't care. I've removed every indication that he was a part of our lives for as long as he was. I would say that I'm sorry that I ever met him, but at least he taught me to feel. I realize that I don't have to be that cold jaded bitch that I was before I met him. I also realize that he is quite undeserving of my love.

It's been a rough ride, but all things considered I've come out of it a better person. My friends were so worried about me, not understanding that I had to go through this, everything happened exactly as they were supposed to happen.

I won't go as far as to say that I won't still have periods of grief, that I won't be touched with a pain of missing him, because it probably will happen. You can't love someone the way that I love him and be numb when it ends. I still have feelings, I still love him. But loving him and giving him my love are two very different things. I know that the pain won't be as great now. I know that I won't be unable to breathe. I know that I can hold my head up and smile. I know that life has already started to get better. And I know that, no matter what he thinks of me, I am a good person who deserves far better than what he gave me these past couple months.

I could say I'm sorry it happened, but I'm not. I could thank him for everything, but I won't. I could say I'm still waiting for him, but I'm not.

I could say I'm going to live my life now, and that I will do.

My new favorite song....Apologize by Timbaland

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

One day at a time

Finally I'm starting to feel more like myself. Cass was out last night doing her thing, so it was just Tristan and me watching t.v. for most of the night. I created another myspace profile and it's nice to talk to my friends again. Harmless flirting with those that have known and loved me forever is something that is helping me bounce back. I didn't do any cleaning or cooking yesterday, but today is a new day. One thing I have managed to accomplish is to stay on top of my laundry, so that's a good thing. I've got a lot of men asking me out on dates, but I'm not ready to go down that road yet. I'm just going to stick with my friends....Friday a play if we can get tickets, Saturday Mexican and margaritas with Chris, and Sunday hopefully the Packers if I can tear Curt away from his many women to hang with me....I've been studying more and more and am anxious to get to this bookstore Saturday morning. I'm certain that I'll find what I'm seeking once I get there. And that's about it. Another boring day in my life, but at least I'm alive and well to speak about it.

my destiny is clear now

I've felt a stirring in my blood for quite some time now. Oh, I dabbled in it when I was younger, but I wasn't focused enough to pursue it. I know it's in my blood, I can feel it in my blood, and the more I read the more I know for certain. It comes from my Irish heritage, passed down from generation to generation....no one in my family, at least that I have heard of, acknowledging it, practicing it, embracing it. Until now.

I went to the library today, hoping to learn more. Hoping, I suppose, to find the path that would lead me to what I know is in me. And did I go to the WRONG place. First I went to the metaphysical section. The one book that the library owned on the subject had been stolen. Or rather, as the librarian put it, just disappeared. Next I went to the religion section. My thinking? It's one of the oldest "religions" that there is, predating Christ, there HAD to be books on it. Not a one. There were plenty of books on Christianity, Judaism, the books of the bible individually bound, etc....although I did notice there weren't any books on the Muslim religion either....and not a one on what I wanted, no, what I needed to see.

The path that I'm on will lead me to it. I guess you could say I started this path on August 4, the day that my ex left me and the day I cried out for healing. The Universe heard me, and here I am. And while living in suburban America, with a church on every corner, isn't going to make this easy for me, I can already sense where I need to go. And I will. I believe I had to be ready in my heart first. I had to be filled with love in order to easily embrace what I am to learn next.

But you can be sure that I won't be trying the library anytime soon....

Apologize....

Currently listening to...

A true test of my lessons.....

I was laying in bed last night, struggling to respond with love to some text messages full of anger and hate. I continued to respond with love, until I felt myself growing angry and wanting to lash out, so I said goodnight, I love you and I’m not doing this anymore. I’ve said several times before that I’m on a journey seeking love. I’ve said that if you give love then you will receive it. I’ve come to realize that just because you are seeking love does not mean that your feelings of anger or hurt will magically disappear. You won’t see things through rose colored glasses. You will still want to say angry words. You will still want to hurt back because you are being hurt. But if you are truly seeking love, if you truly believe that if you give love then you will receive love, then your actions will show that. No one is perfect. There are times when I have spoken too quickly words that were not loving. But last night, as I was being verbally attacked, as my heart was breaking yet again by the hate that was being spewed out of this person’s mouth, I made a conscious choice to respond with love. When I found that it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so, I stopped the contact.

That’s what it’s all about. It’s how you respond to things. I could have been angry and bitter to this person in return. It wouldn’t have affected them because they already feel hatred towards me. It would have only served to affirm their opinion of me. The person it would have harmed would have been myself. I would have been angry with myself. I would have been disappointed in myself. No matter what this person believes to be true of me or not, I know what’s true. I don’t have to prove myself to this person. I know I have love. I know my intentions are pure. If this person wants to continue to think the worst of me, that is their right to do so. I will simply continue to do what I’ve been doing all along….to give love to myself and to others.

If you give love, you will receive love.

Listening to...

Fortune of the Day

Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.

And my lucky numbers are.....15, 11, 37, 46, 5, and 5.

Imagine that....15 and 5.

Love is.....(List of the Day)

Love is….trying to figure out what makes you love him like you do.

I was talking to my coworker this morning and she was asking me how I was doing, if I had talked to My Love, how the kids are, etc. I began to tell her how I am and what I’ve been up to. She asked if I’m over him yet and I told her no, and I won’t be nor do I want to be. There must have been something in my eyes that made her stop and look. She said “he must really be something.” Yes, he really is.

With that conversation fresh in my mind, I went to lunch. As I was reading the SunTimes, I skipped to the comic section. It was there that I saw the inspiration for this blog. Have you ever read the “Love is…” cartoon? I don’t see it as often as I used to, but today’s really got me thinking.

There are so many reasons why I love him. So many wonderful qualities that he has. So many things he has shown me, opened my eyes to and opened my heart to.

1. The way he always had faith. The beginning of our relationship was hard. It was long distance because he was living in Columbus and working in Pittsburgh. There were so many times that I had no idea how it would work between us. The man just about pushed himself into the ground by driving to Chicago every weekend, many times going on only a couple of hours of sleep, just to spend a few hours with me. He always told me to hang on, we’ll get through this, and life will be magical. And it really was.

2. He was there when I needed him. I was faced with some pretty scary medical test results and had to get a biopsy done. I already had tickets to fly to Pittsburgh the day after my biopsy, so it wasn’t like he could just come in for the weekend instead of me going to him. I couldn’t find anyone to drive me to my biopsy, at least anyone I wanted to let in on that particular aspect of my life. I got an email from him telling me that he was leaving work early that day (a Wednesday) and would be on a later flight to Chicago that evening. He would take me for my biopsy and we would fly to Pittsburgh together on Friday.

3. The way he changed his thinking about marriage. I didn’t want a big wedding. The wedding had nothing to do with it. It was being his wife that I always longed for. It’s what I still long for. When we met, we were both hell bent on never wanting to be married. A month later, we were talking about going to Vegas and getting married.

4. The way he hung in there when outside influences threatened our love. He knew going into this with me that not only do I have two kids, but I have an ex-husband and ex-in-laws and ex-boyfriends and this and that. Life with me was never easy for him. But he hung in there, never giving up.

5. The way his smile lights up his face. I’m a woman who is easily amused, easily excitable. Sometimes I’m like a little kid in that the simplest thing can make me happy. He would get such joy out of seeing me happy and would get this amazing smile, the kind that made his eyes shine with joy.

6. The way he loved me. I have never been loved the way he loved me. I have a photograph, a very random shot taken by my daughter, of me standing on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek in a silly way. The look on his face, with his eyes closed and the smile he had, was nothing less than pure love.

7. The way he encouraged me. He was my cheerleader. He knew what I was capable of and encouraged me to go for it. I was scared. There were so many things that I thought stood in my way….I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve it, I won’t be able to handle it, etc. Against my own head I followed his advice. And he was right. I am good enough. I do deserve it. And I am handling it, with much ease.

8. His creativity. This man is a genius. He has so much talent. There were times when it seemed like everything he touched turned to gold. I have two collections of photographs that he’s done on my bedroom wall. All numbers taken in black and white. The way he put them together, the subjects of the photographs themselves, I have never seen anything like it.

9. His intelligence. He knows a little bit about everything. Often times I feel stupid next to him because I’m always asking him what does this mean, what does that mean? He never put me down for my lack of knowledge in the same subjects as him and he always took the time to explain things to me so that I understood them.

10. The things he taught me. I don’t know where to start. The most important thing he taught me is to feel my feelings. It probably drives him crazy now because I AM so in touch with my feelings. Before I met him, I led a basically shallow life. Oh sure, I had my kids and my friends, and they were (and are) very close to me. But I never allowed myself to feel anything for a man other than a token affection. This man taught me to love him with the depths of my soul. He taught me to trust someone other than myself. He taught me that love is a good thing, a beautiful thing. He taught me to laugh, truly laugh. He taught me not to be afraid to express my love. He taught me to take a chance. He taught me not to give up. He taught me to have faith. He taught me how to share my life with another. He taught me how to step outside my comfort zone and alter my plans for the future. He taught me how to live. He taught me the meaning of soul mate.

It’s because of him that I have faith in our love. It’s because of him that I won’t give up. I may take a step back so that he can go through the trials that he has to go through, but I will never stop loving him. When he comes back to me, I will welcome him with open arms. When he comes back, I will love him as I’ve never loved another. Life can be difficult, and we may not always understand the why’s or the how’s, but one thing I will always understand, one thing I will always know, is that giving up on our love is not an option.

I love you, my sweet man.

Love is the Answer

I’ve been saying it, promoting it, and living it. If you give love, you will receive love. Two of my girlfriends and myself have all found ourselves in similar positions. We separated from the ones that we love. The love relationships that we made a part of our worlds have become broken, and with it, our hearts and our souls. We began the journey, alone but together in spirit, of reaching deep in ourselves and relying on the love that we found within.

I saw one of my girlfriends over the weekend. Gone was the woman who was broken the last time I saw her. In its place was a woman whose face was full of smile. Her eyes could light up the whole room. She had made the decision to love herself, and good things happened. The love that she had for herself was contagious. So contagious, in fact, that it brought Her Love right back into her arms, right were he belongs.

I got a phone call from my other girlfriend last night. I’ve watched her lately as she went from a woman broken into pieces because she lost Her Love to a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. A woman who thought her life was over but found her strength. A woman who began to love herself. She called to tell me that Her Love came back to her. He didn’t bring the ring, but he brought his love and his desire for marriage and a family with her.

Where does that leave me? I’m still here, on this path of love. I’ve found my love deep within. I’ve been faced with circumstances lately that would have caused me to lash out and behave in an evil vindictive manner. But that was before I knew love. Now, I just cry. And remain firm. And always honest. Always sure. And always with love, love for myself and love for others. My Love hasn’t come back to me, but that’s ok. He’s on his own journey right now. I will continue to do what I’m doing, and that is to give love.

If you give love, you will receive love.

Currently Listening To....

Currently Listening To....

Quote of the Day

"He who angers you conquers you."

- Elizabeth Kenny

Just Love Me

I look in your eyes and I see the pain. I know how badly you hurt. You were so good to me, so kind, so giving, so compassionate, so loving. You were my best friend. The man who taught me how to love. The man who taught me to believe. The man who taught me how to open my heart. I know I wasn’t always the greatest to you. I know that I would let my mouth or my crabbiness get the better of me and I know that I always took it out on you. I didn’t tell you often enough how much you mean to me. I didn’t tell you how proud of you I am, how impressed by you I am, how grateful I am that you are in my life. I took you for granted and I just always expected you to be there. Until the one day you weren’t.

I know what I did. I know how much you put up with. God I love you so much. Please forgive me. Forgive me baby. Open your heart, open your arms, just love me again. You say it’s easier to just walk away. To not feel anything. To harden your heart and be cold and uncaring. I know you miss me. I know you miss the closeness that we shared, the intimate moments, the love. Hold on to the memories. Remember all that is good. Remember and feel it again. We can do this. Don’t give up on us baby. You’ve known as long as I’ve known that we are meant for each other. Our souls long to be joined again. Our hearts long for the other again. Take a chance. Remember…..jumping in with both feet and having faith that you won’t drown. I did it once….a year ago. I’ve never regretted it. Months ago you begged me to have faith in us. You begged me to not give up on us. I’m asking you to do the same now. Have faith in us. Have faith in our love. Don’t give up on us. Just love me again. Love me the way you used to. Love me like the man in the photo. Just love me.

Still Rockin'

Last night I went and saw Genesis. It was absolutely incredible. This is the fourth concert that I've seen this year, and Genesis has to be the best one yet, with Billy Joel a close second. It isn't a surprise that the musicians whose careers have spanned longer than my lifetime are the shows that I enjoyed the most. Don't get me wrong, the My Chem show and the Breaking Benjamin show were great. I love their music, and those are the cd's that I listen to the most. But as far as putting on a good performance and the crowds that see those shows, there is no comparison to Genesis or Billy Joel. I had the most incredible seats last night....right by the stage, six rows up. I was literally one down (love my football) away from Phil Collins. The only thing that I was disappointed in last night was that they didn't play one of the three songs I wanted to hear: In the Air Tonight (yes, I know it was one of Phil's singles), Take Me Home (another single, but featured Peter Gabrial), and Against All Odds (yes, another single). All in all, it was an incredible night, and definitly worth not getting home until 2:00 a.m. I'll leave you with this.

And the Lessons Keep Coming

It’s been almost three years since we parted ways. He was my best friend, nothing more and nothing less. I was separated from my husband, getting ready to file for divorce, and he was in the same boat. Tragedy struck, his tragedy, and I never left his side, just as he never left my side when my world came crashing down. To this day, no one has ever known the way that he did. No one has ever been as close to me in the way that he was. He could look at me and know what I was thinking before I was able to put it into words. He knew if I was lost in my head by the sound of my breathing. He coached me to eat when all I wanted to do was smoke and drink coffee. He kept me from sitting on a barstool every night. He was my life preserver when all I wanted to do was drown.

In the midst of my troubles, he had a tragedy of his own. A tragedy so severe it almost destroyed him. I held his hand as he cried. I stood by his side and told the truth to those who mattered when he could have lost it all. I told others to shut their mouths when they gossiped and lied about him. I spent time with him so that he wouldn’t forget how to live.

And one day it came to an end. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn’t understand how, why, after everything we had been through together he could just leave. It took months for me to find my way again. Months of drinking, months of therapy, months of being numb. Finally I was able to pick my head up and go on with my life. I still didn’t understand why and I never got my closure from him. But life went on.

They say that life’s lessons will be repeated until you learn what you need to learn. I find it ironic that I’m in a situation similar to the one I was in three years ago, only this time the roles are reversed. Lately the words that Ryan spoke to me have been haunting me. I hear them in my head and I hear them coming out of my mouth. I’m finally understanding why he left and how hard it was for him. I understand and I forgive him. I understand and I thank him.

This man taught me so many things in our time together. Things that I will always remember. I remember Ryan saying to me that sometimes the right thing IS the hardest thing. I always thought he meant it was hard on me, not on him. I was wrong. It’s hard on both people. Walking away from My Love was hard. Staying away is even harder. My Love may think that this is easy on me, not falling back into his arms, but he’s wrong. My Love knows how much I love him. Everybody knows how much I love him. There are times when I would give everything just to have him hold me, to tell me that he loves me, for life to be magical again. But the time is not right. He and I still have some growing and changing to do, and to be together now would be disastrous. Staying away is the right thing, and it’s the hardest thing.

I remember asking Ryan why, why are you doing this to me. His answer was because he’s not sure, and if he’s not sure I could get hurt. I didn’t understand and I was ANGRY. Now I understand. I said the same words last night to My Love. I’m very sure of my love for him. I’m very sure in my belief that we are meant to be together. But I’m not sure that the time is right now. And if I’m not sure, then it’s not. And if I’m not sure, and I go back to him anyway, he could get hurt. I love the man and I don’t want to hurt him ever. There’s been far too much hurt in our past, and love isn’t about hurting each other.

Ryan taught me how to be true to myself. He taught me about loyalty. He taught me about standing up for what I believe in and to stand up for what is right, no matter what the cost. He taught me about honesty, both with myself and with others. He taught me about timing. He taught me about love. And it’s because of him, because of the lessons that he taught me which I was so slow to learn, that I will be able to give all of my love to My Love, when the time is right.

I’ll never call him to thank him. It’s unnecessary. But I know what he’s done for me. And I hope that My Love will appreciate this when it’s all said and done. Because even though this is the hard thing to do, it is the right thing to do. And when the time is right, I’ll be able to give My Love the love that he deserves, and I’ll finally be able to accept the love from him that I deserve.

Trying something new....again

Last week I told you about Redfish, the New Orleans themed restuarant/bar across the street from my office building. I've put on my adventurer hat today, and have decided that I will go back there for lunch today and try something new. Something maybe spicy. Who knows. I'm such a picky eater, anything outside the norm of beef or chicken is a new experience for me.....

Another thing I like about this place is that I can go there at noon and will still be able to find a seat. I'll have a hopefully good update for you after lunch ;-)

Love, healing and forgiveness

The path that I've recently found myself on is not an old one for me. I've begun this journey several times in the past. I've simply allowed myself to get sidetracked by life. That's ok though. It's never too late to start the journey again. This journey that I'm on is to discover self-love. I must have put it out in the Universe that I needed a change, because right before my eyes the rug was pulled out from under me, and the path that I was on ceased to exist. I didn't think I was ready, but I guess God knew otherwise.

In order to begin to love myself, I need to learn to forgive. Not only do I need to forgive others, but I need to forgive myself. This is hard, at least for me it is. It seems like I would thrive on the anger and resentment that I held. The drama in my life, the chaos of a dysfunctional relationship - not just romantic but family relationships as well. I harbored anger towards my parents for things they've done in my past. I've harbored anger towards my brother for things he's done in the past. Towards my ex-husband, towards my kids, and towards My Love.

I have to let go of the negativity of the past. It's the past. It can't be changed, it can't be undone. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself for my role in the negativity. I must forgive myself for harboring anger and resentment towards them. And I must forgive myself for things that I have done to them as well.

I can't waive a magic wand and everything will be forgiven. All I can do is release the negative energy that I've held on to. The first step to love is healing. And the first step to healing is forgiveness.

Today is a brand new day. A fresh start.

My journey to live again

They say after a traumatic experience that its easy to curl into a ball and play dead. The real courage comes in finding a way to live again. That's where I'm at. For so long I've been depressed. I was walking around with my head in a fog. Nothing made sense. I wanted to lay on the couch in my pajamas and hibernate. I cried all the time.

I'm tired. Tired of not living. Tired of shedding tears over something which isn't worth my tears. Tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of thinking I am unworthy. I'm tired of talking about the same thing endlessly with all my friends. Tired of hearing them tell me everything that I don't want to hear.

Yesterday was the worst. I cried the entire day at work. Called my new friend crying and apologizing for calling him and crying. I just couldn't take it anymore.

We went out on a date last night, our second, although I have told him repeatedly that my head is in a fog, my heart isn't in this, and I can't focus on him right now. He's patient and kind and caring and he picked me up anyway. He listened to me as I cried on his shoulder. He said silly things to get me to laugh. He tells me repeatedly that I'm a beautiful person, both inside and out. Me being me, I tell him your words are sweet, but I'm not sleeping with you. He said he knows, I'm not ready.

This morning I woke up with a new outlook. I looked in the mirror and said no more. No more tears, no more sadness, no more beating myself up for things that I've done or haven't done. I'll take baby steps, but I'll get there. I'll live again. And this time, I'll do it differently, with my eyes wide open.

You make me feel

It was a Sunday afternoon and she was driving around the neighborhood. She hadn't talked to him in awhile and was wondering how he was so she called him. "Hey how are you?" he said. "I miss you." she said to him. Later that night they were talking on the phone and she sensed something was on his mind. "What is it, baby?" she said. He sighed and said "You make me feel." Neither of them knew just want an impact those words would have on their lives.

He was a gypsy, taking job after job and moving around the country wherever the money was. He never settled down, never let anyone get close to him. And he was content. She lived in the town she had grown up in, owned a house and had a good career. She had her life planned out, had plenty of friends. And she was content. Or so they thought.

What started as friendly emails, sporadic text messages and flirtatious phone calls developed into something more. They began to email all day long while they were at work. They talked for hours on the phone every night. They shared their goals, their hopes and desires. They shared their secrets. Neither of them were looking for what they had found with one another. They didn't know how it would work. All they knew was that they would make it work. They were in love.

She taught him how to feel. She taught him to care about someone other than himself. She taught him about love.

He taught her how to take a chance. He taught her how to soften her heart. He taught her about love.

The road was rough and the obstacles were many. There were many times that they thought it was the end. Many times that they wanted it to be the end. They couldn't seem to get it right. But they always had love.

As time went on, things got easier for them. The obstacles were still there, but they faced them together. And one by one, the things that seemed so big and out of control went away. They learned to rely on each other. They learned how to be a team. They learned to let love lead the way.

And the whisper on the other end of the phone that cold October evening was the start of a beautiful love, one that never ended.