And the Lessons Keep Coming

It’s been almost three years since we parted ways. He was my best friend, nothing more and nothing less. I was separated from my husband, getting ready to file for divorce, and he was in the same boat. Tragedy struck, his tragedy, and I never left his side, just as he never left my side when my world came crashing down. To this day, no one has ever known the way that he did. No one has ever been as close to me in the way that he was. He could look at me and know what I was thinking before I was able to put it into words. He knew if I was lost in my head by the sound of my breathing. He coached me to eat when all I wanted to do was smoke and drink coffee. He kept me from sitting on a barstool every night. He was my life preserver when all I wanted to do was drown.

In the midst of my troubles, he had a tragedy of his own. A tragedy so severe it almost destroyed him. I held his hand as he cried. I stood by his side and told the truth to those who mattered when he could have lost it all. I told others to shut their mouths when they gossiped and lied about him. I spent time with him so that he wouldn’t forget how to live.

And one day it came to an end. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn’t understand how, why, after everything we had been through together he could just leave. It took months for me to find my way again. Months of drinking, months of therapy, months of being numb. Finally I was able to pick my head up and go on with my life. I still didn’t understand why and I never got my closure from him. But life went on.

They say that life’s lessons will be repeated until you learn what you need to learn. I find it ironic that I’m in a situation similar to the one I was in three years ago, only this time the roles are reversed. Lately the words that Ryan spoke to me have been haunting me. I hear them in my head and I hear them coming out of my mouth. I’m finally understanding why he left and how hard it was for him. I understand and I forgive him. I understand and I thank him.

This man taught me so many things in our time together. Things that I will always remember. I remember Ryan saying to me that sometimes the right thing IS the hardest thing. I always thought he meant it was hard on me, not on him. I was wrong. It’s hard on both people. Walking away from My Love was hard. Staying away is even harder. My Love may think that this is easy on me, not falling back into his arms, but he’s wrong. My Love knows how much I love him. Everybody knows how much I love him. There are times when I would give everything just to have him hold me, to tell me that he loves me, for life to be magical again. But the time is not right. He and I still have some growing and changing to do, and to be together now would be disastrous. Staying away is the right thing, and it’s the hardest thing.

I remember asking Ryan why, why are you doing this to me. His answer was because he’s not sure, and if he’s not sure I could get hurt. I didn’t understand and I was ANGRY. Now I understand. I said the same words last night to My Love. I’m very sure of my love for him. I’m very sure in my belief that we are meant to be together. But I’m not sure that the time is right now. And if I’m not sure, then it’s not. And if I’m not sure, and I go back to him anyway, he could get hurt. I love the man and I don’t want to hurt him ever. There’s been far too much hurt in our past, and love isn’t about hurting each other.

Ryan taught me how to be true to myself. He taught me about loyalty. He taught me about standing up for what I believe in and to stand up for what is right, no matter what the cost. He taught me about honesty, both with myself and with others. He taught me about timing. He taught me about love. And it’s because of him, because of the lessons that he taught me which I was so slow to learn, that I will be able to give all of my love to My Love, when the time is right.

I’ll never call him to thank him. It’s unnecessary. But I know what he’s done for me. And I hope that My Love will appreciate this when it’s all said and done. Because even though this is the hard thing to do, it is the right thing to do. And when the time is right, I’ll be able to give My Love the love that he deserves, and I’ll finally be able to accept the love from him that I deserve.