My journey to live again

They say after a traumatic experience that its easy to curl into a ball and play dead. The real courage comes in finding a way to live again. That's where I'm at. For so long I've been depressed. I was walking around with my head in a fog. Nothing made sense. I wanted to lay on the couch in my pajamas and hibernate. I cried all the time.

I'm tired. Tired of not living. Tired of shedding tears over something which isn't worth my tears. Tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of thinking I am unworthy. I'm tired of talking about the same thing endlessly with all my friends. Tired of hearing them tell me everything that I don't want to hear.

Yesterday was the worst. I cried the entire day at work. Called my new friend crying and apologizing for calling him and crying. I just couldn't take it anymore.

We went out on a date last night, our second, although I have told him repeatedly that my head is in a fog, my heart isn't in this, and I can't focus on him right now. He's patient and kind and caring and he picked me up anyway. He listened to me as I cried on his shoulder. He said silly things to get me to laugh. He tells me repeatedly that I'm a beautiful person, both inside and out. Me being me, I tell him your words are sweet, but I'm not sleeping with you. He said he knows, I'm not ready.

This morning I woke up with a new outlook. I looked in the mirror and said no more. No more tears, no more sadness, no more beating myself up for things that I've done or haven't done. I'll take baby steps, but I'll get there. I'll live again. And this time, I'll do it differently, with my eyes wide open.