I could....

I could say I'm angry but I'm not. I could say I'm hurt but I'm not. I could say my heart is broken but it's not. To tell the truth, I've been waiting for this day to come. Fooling myself into believing that we are meant to be together was just a way to not feel the pain. My girlfriend told me that I have to walk through the fire, and it's going to hurt, but once I got through it I would look back and wonder what took me so long. What I didn't realize was that I was already in the fire. It would come and go. There would be brief moments when he would come back, of course to get what he wanted from me, only to leave again...leaving me wounded and doubting. I can't blame him because a person will only do what you allow them to do. And I allowed it. But never again.

I can actually say I'm glad it's over. The wondering, the worrying, the crying, the despair that I felt. I won't go so far as to say that I'm numb, but whatever feelings I still have for him are buried deep within, hopefully never to come out. I've ended my friendship with his cousin because he even had to blog about that. I don't peruse his websites because quite frankly I don't care. I've removed every indication that he was a part of our lives for as long as he was. I would say that I'm sorry that I ever met him, but at least he taught me to feel. I realize that I don't have to be that cold jaded bitch that I was before I met him. I also realize that he is quite undeserving of my love.

It's been a rough ride, but all things considered I've come out of it a better person. My friends were so worried about me, not understanding that I had to go through this, everything happened exactly as they were supposed to happen.

I won't go as far as to say that I won't still have periods of grief, that I won't be touched with a pain of missing him, because it probably will happen. You can't love someone the way that I love him and be numb when it ends. I still have feelings, I still love him. But loving him and giving him my love are two very different things. I know that the pain won't be as great now. I know that I won't be unable to breathe. I know that I can hold my head up and smile. I know that life has already started to get better. And I know that, no matter what he thinks of me, I am a good person who deserves far better than what he gave me these past couple months.

I could say I'm sorry it happened, but I'm not. I could thank him for everything, but I won't. I could say I'm still waiting for him, but I'm not.

I could say I'm going to live my life now, and that I will do.