You make me feel

It was a Sunday afternoon and she was driving around the neighborhood. She hadn't talked to him in awhile and was wondering how he was so she called him. "Hey how are you?" he said. "I miss you." she said to him. Later that night they were talking on the phone and she sensed something was on his mind. "What is it, baby?" she said. He sighed and said "You make me feel." Neither of them knew just want an impact those words would have on their lives.

He was a gypsy, taking job after job and moving around the country wherever the money was. He never settled down, never let anyone get close to him. And he was content. She lived in the town she had grown up in, owned a house and had a good career. She had her life planned out, had plenty of friends. And she was content. Or so they thought.

What started as friendly emails, sporadic text messages and flirtatious phone calls developed into something more. They began to email all day long while they were at work. They talked for hours on the phone every night. They shared their goals, their hopes and desires. They shared their secrets. Neither of them were looking for what they had found with one another. They didn't know how it would work. All they knew was that they would make it work. They were in love.

She taught him how to feel. She taught him to care about someone other than himself. She taught him about love.

He taught her how to take a chance. He taught her how to soften her heart. He taught her about love.

The road was rough and the obstacles were many. There were many times that they thought it was the end. Many times that they wanted it to be the end. They couldn't seem to get it right. But they always had love.

As time went on, things got easier for them. The obstacles were still there, but they faced them together. And one by one, the things that seemed so big and out of control went away. They learned to rely on each other. They learned how to be a team. They learned to let love lead the way.

And the whisper on the other end of the phone that cold October evening was the start of a beautiful love, one that never ended.

A woman's emotions are like the tide, you have to ride them out

Right? One minute we're up, the next minute we're down. One minute we're fine on our own, hell bent on walking away; the next minute we're texting or emailing "i love you, come back to me." And so goes this see-saw of emotions that I've been feeling. I used to think that the feelings that I felt were wrong. I was ashamed that I couldn't make up my mind, that I would feel one way one day and a different way the next. But why do I always feel the need to justify things to myself? Aren't I entitled to say I feel all of it? Aren't I entitled to say I just don't know? Because I don't. One minute I'm so sure that this is the right decision. The next day I'm waivering and crying because I miss him so. I "love" him. I love him? Really? Why?

I had lunch with my girlfriend today. She really knows how to ask the probing questions, the questions that make me face myself. She asked me what is there to love? Love is supposed to be beautiful. Love is NOT supposed to make you hurt. And guess what. This freaking hurts. This isn't love. This is a mess. Whatever love there once was between us has been long gone. I've held on to the memories of good times and prayed and wished and hoped that we could get back to the place where there will be good times again.

It's time to face reality and get out of this fantasy world that I've been living in. This man does not love me. This man does not think highly enough of me to make me a priority. He is not there, and I can't make him be there. The sooner I can accept this, the sooner I can allow myself to feel the feelings, feel the pain and move past it. It's time to walk through the fire.

Religion and the Like

I've been struggling for a long time with things. It's like I've had a raging internal battle - should I go to church or shouldn't I? I was raised in church so I have knowledge of the Bible. I was baptized when I was 8 or 9. I used to be a youth leader. But somewhere along the way, I began to notice that a lot of the people in church are judgmental and hypocritical. It's funny that I'm seeing these things now. I was 17 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I was still going to church and there I was - an unwed pregnant teenager. Do you think they snubbed me or turned their back on me or kicked me out of the church? Absolutely not. They loved me just as they always did and even threw me a baby shower. Now that is what I call loving like Jesus did.

Fast forward years later. I had just gotten married and I was four months pregnant with my son. Yes, I was pregnant before we got married. We were married in his church where he was a member but I had never joined. We didn't announce that I was pregnant because it really wasn't any one's business. After the marriage, and I began to show, well it was quite obvious that I was pregnant before we got married. Do you know that church sent him a letter REVOKING his membership from the church? The letter stated that he could still attend services and could still tithe, but he was no longer eligible to be a member. Wait a minute....ELIGIBLE? I'm sorry, I thought that was God's house. I ended up in a very heated discussion with one of the elders about just how WRONG their actions are, and after he told me that I needed to confess, I simply told him to f(*& off because the only one I needed to confess to was God and that was none of his business. Yes, I'm pretty foul-mouthed.

Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. My husband and I were youth leaders at a church. We got divorced. The church chose sides and snubbed me. That was the end of that church "family".

Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. I visited my best friend's cousin's church. The pastor spent 5 minutes preaching from the Bible, then spent 45 minutes telling us the dangers of women not wearing skirts and Harry Potter and the government and blah blah blah. When he told me that my daughter looks 16 and then handed me a published book of his own poetry, that was enough for me.

I've been told by several of my friends and even my grandparents that they want me to try their church. How it will be so nice and the kids and I will really enjoy it. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with their churches and I'm sure that they really do enjoy it. But I came to a conclusion yesterday. I do not want to go to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Just because I don't go to church does not mean that I don't believe in God.

As a matter of fact, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that there is a Higher Being out there that loves me and wants me to be happy. This Higher Being may not be the same for everyone. For some it may be Allah, for some it may be Buddha, for some it may be a pop can. For me it is God. And the God that I know and love does not look at the religious freaks blowing up abortion clinics in "the name of God" or the zealots flying planes into one or two or three buildings in "the name of Allah" and smile down at them while saying "thank you, all is good now". The God that I know and love doesn't want me to be sad or angry. He doesn't want me to be mean or vindictive. He wants me to be happy and to love myself and to love others. That is the God that I know and love. And, fortunately for me, I can find that all on my own and don't need a church to point me in the right direction.

So I'm glad that I've finally come to peace with this. I'm not going to feel guilty for not going to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty for what I believe either.

List of the Day - New Things and Change

For me, it's not the act of changing or experiencing new things that I'm afraid of. It's the unknown. What if I don't like it, what if I fail, what if things are better the way they already are. I've been making it a point to do new things lately. Here are some of them:

1. Thai Food. I never wanted to try it before. I'm a steak and potatoes kind of lady, and that's just what I like. My best friend likes all difference types of food, so when he asked me last week if I wanted to go for Thai with him, I figured what the heck. I must say, on the whole I wasn't impressed. It was edible, but not something I would choose on my own. The highlight of the meal? The Thai Iced Coffee. Yummy!!! There was something else I liked, too, but I can't remember the name of it.

2. Rented a suite downtown. I have never done anything like that before, but spoiling myself just for the night was worth it. The hot tub was a blast and the two-room suite was magnificant. It was worth every dollar.

3. Weber's Grill. I've walked by it hundreds of times because it's a few blocks from my office. I love steak and wanted to try it. The atmosphere was nice, the waiter was nice, the wine closet was beautiful, but the food was only mediocre. I can't say I'd try it again, but the company was good. I just don't think the experience was worth the hour and twenty minute wait.

4. A family birthday party for my child and not inviting my ex-husband. This is kind of big for me. Since the divorce, I've always taken care of everything for my ex-husband and included him and his family in every holiday or every gathering. And why? Because I felt guilty. It hit me, finally, the other day. WE ARE DIVORCED!!!! I am not obligated to invite him or his family to anything. If they want to have something for one of the kids, then they need to do it. I shouldn't have made my family and my boyfriend and, most importantly, MYSELF, uncomfortable because I had some misappropriated sense of guilt.

5. A new train station. I took the train from the "new" station yesterday for the first time. I have been commuting downtown off and on for 8 years. Yesterday was the first time EVER that I have gotten off the train and been happy. I didn't worry about my car all day. I didn't have an annoying train ride with loud voices talking on their cell phones and ring tones with what I feel is inappropriate music blasting. I got off the train and didn't have to walk through a dirty street/parking lot wondering if I was going to get run over or propositioned. It was a very good experience, and I'm glad I made the decision to change my train station.

6. Getting my oil changed. My ex-husband is a mechanic and he has been taking care of my cars for 9 years. Even after we got divorced, he was the only one I would let work on my car. I swore up and down it's only because he's the only one I trust. That is partially true. But more of the truth is that I was too set in my ways and too cheap to find a new mechanic. Tomorrow I'm going to take my car to a Jiffy Lube or somewhere and have my oil changed. And you know what? I can do this.

7. Redfish. It's a bar/restaurant across the street from my work. I never thought about trying it because it looked pretty dingy from the outside. I went in yesterday for lunch and I was pleasantly surprised. I sat at the bar because I was alone and didn't want to take up a whole table to myself. The bartender was nice, friendly and more than happy to offer her suggestions. The place has a New Orleans theme to it. The best part is they have sweet tea. Being originally from Tennessee, it's hard to find places in Chicagoland where you can get sweet tea. You just grow accustomed to drinking it bitter or adding sugar that never disolves. I ordered the crab artichoke dip which is also something new for me. And it was delicious! I think I'll go there for lunch again today.

8. Paying a disgusting amount of money for a pair of jeans. I like nice things, but for some reason I have a problem paying a lot of money for an article of clothing unless it's a pair of shoes. I needed some new jeans and I went to Buckle last weekend. It was one of the best shopping experiences I've ever had. The staff if friendly and helpful without being in your face. They make suggestions and tell you if something looks good or bad on you. I ended up with one shirt, three camis, a sweater and two pairs of jeans without even checking the price tags. When I got home and was removing the tags from the jeans, I discovered that I paid $77 for one pair. Oh well, it was worth it.

9. A horse drawn carriage ride through the City at night. I hadn't done this in years, since my daughter was an infant in fact, and it was wonderful. It was romantic, enjoyable and the weather was perfect. I'd like to do it again when there's a light snow falling and I can be under a blanket.

10. Going to the museum alone. I'm uncomfortable doing things like that by myself. I don't know why. Probably because I'm such a people person. But right now there's no one in my life that would like to go with me, and there's an exhibit that I really want to see, so next Saturday I've decided that I'm going to go the the museum by myself. And I've decided that I'm going to have fun doing it, too.

Quote of the Day

"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."

- Marcus Aurelius

When the student is ready, the master will appear

The title of this blog comes from my best friend, but it seems like it's fitting for my own life and the things I've been experiencing as well. My own romantic love relationship has been falling apart for some time. What makes it all the more difficult is that this man was not only my lover, teacher, fan club and partner, he is also my best friend. This feeling of loss goes much deeper than a relationship gone bad. Anyway, the other day I decided to take a break from the relationship and take the time to fall in love with myself again. Making that choice and acting on it is taking a great leap of faith for me. For all I know, he could be out with a new girl every night of the week, meeting new women here and there and moving on from me. I keep reminding myself that if it's meant to be, it will be. When it is time.

That's a hard thing to remember. I get sad and lonely. I get angry with him and with myself. But I keep telling myself that I have to go through this "meantime" experience and once we are ready, if he is my divine love, which I believe and have always believed that he is, we will be together. This time period of pain and growth is only temporary and I need to use this to love myself, and others, again.

Sometimes I forget to remind myself. I play the "oh woe is me game, I'm such a victim, life sucks without him.....". A dear friend of mine is going through a separation. We've been each other's coaches in this meantime experience, as we are each going through similar experiences. She's confused. She doesn't know what to do. And what do I tell her? That I know how bad it hurts, and she needs to take this time and work on herself, and if it is meant to be, then it will be.

I have another friend who is going through a break-up with her boyfriend. She loves him so much and had planned a future with him. Unfortunately, he was wishy-washy in keeping the plans with her. She finally had enough and let him break up with her. Now she is heartbroken and sad and angry. And what do I tell her? To take this time for herself, and if it is meant to be, then it will be.

Last night my daughter called me late (she was at her dad's) and asked if she could come home. She was in tears. When she got there she was crying in my arms and I could barely understand her. I finally understood that she had been at church and her ex-boyfriend was there, her first love, the one she never got over. She said how seeing him hurt so bad and she just started to cry. He came over and put his arms around her and hugged her. It made it worse. She told me how much she misses him and wants to be with him. I told her I know how bad she's hurting right now, and if it is meant to be, then it will be. Not in her time, not in his time, but in God's time.

Like I said: when the student is ready, the master will appear.

Illinois I-Pass

Quite some time ago, Illinois redid our toll plazas to make way for the I-Pass. It's this really neat device that you stick on your windshield and you get to go through instead of stopping. The sensor reads it and deducts the amount of the toll from your pre-existing checking account. It actually saves you money because if you don't have an I-Pass and stop at the toll plaza, the toll is doubled. Plus, some of the toll plazas back up for a mile since they reduced the number of workers. I've been stuck in one for 45 minutes before.

My best friend and I used to share an I-Pass, meaning that it was registered to both our cars. That worked out well because whenever we were on the toll road we were usually in one car. He has since moved out and I decided that I need to get my own. I'm going to a new train station now since they broke into my car at the old one, and the fastest way is for me to get on the toll road instead of taking the back roads and risk getting stopped by one or more trains. I discovered that you can sign up on-line and they will mail the device to your house.

The only problem is....I DON'T KNOW MY LICENSE PLATE NUMBER!!!!!. I would say I'm having a blonde moment, but since I dyed my hair dark again I don't think I can get away with that. The truth is, I never bothered to pay attention to what my license plate number is. And every time I think about looking at it, I'm nowhere near my car! Ahhhh, the life of me ;-)

Lips of an Angel

I'm pretty sure we've all heard the song. When it first came out, a year ago, it was one of my favorite songs. I grew up in the era of power ballads by rock stars....Poison, Cinderella, Guns n Roses, etc...so this was one of those that took me wayyyyyy back. Then there was a time when I absolutely hated the song and every time it came on I would change the station. As I was driving to the train this morning, it came on the radio and I listened to the words.

Its funny because the song/video is about a guy who is living with a woman and gets a late night phone call from his ex-girlfriend. He starts by saying why are you calling me so late. Yea, why IS she calling him so late? It must be a drunk dialing episode. He asks her why she's crying. Yea, it's DEFINITELY a drunk dialing episode. Then he goes on to say sometimes he wishes that his current girlfriend was his ex-girlfriend. It's funny, because if that were the case, wouldn't he still be with his ex-girlfriend instead of the woman he is with now? He talks about how he can't talk too loud. Why is that? Why does he feel the need to hide from his current girlfriend? He says that he never moved on. Well, actually he did move on because he has a new girlfriend. He also asks if HER boyfriend knows that she's talking to her ex. That right there is messed up. Why is she calling HER ex when she's involved with someone knew, too? The words of this song are pretty silly if you think about it.

Look, here's a guy who is involved with someone new. That means that he has moved on from his ex. He gets a late night phone call from his ex, who must be drunk and lonely and emotional, lonely being the key word here, because she is calling her ex. Now, first of all, Mr. Man needs to remember that she is his ex for a reason. He also needs to remember that he is in a relationship with someone new, someone who he obviously chose to be with. Drunk Chick needs to hang up the phone, get some self-respect, learn to love herself, and realize that her ex is with someone new. Don't be that woman.

I think as women we are harder on men than we often need to be. We punish them for the "sins" of our exes. Don't get me wrong. Relationships can oftentimes be a battlefield. It can leave us with open wounds, and unless we heal, we will blame our current and future partners for giving us these wounds. Either that, or we will shield ourselves because we think that our current or future partners will reopen these wounds. But have you ever seen a man with a broken heart? I have. And let me tell you, they hurt just as much as us women do when we have a broken heart. We think that men are arseholes and they have no feelings, but they do. And they can hurt just like we hurt. They can feel lost and desperate just like we do. And when a man is in a relationship, unless he is a real piece of crap, no phone call from an EX is going to tempt him to be unfaithful. Of course some men cheat. But so do some women. Men are just notoriously being bashed for something that both sexes do. I think it's because women are more vocal about things. Maybe its because women like to play the victim role more frequently than men do.

Bottom line is, in this song, the man is simply feeling a hint of nostalgia because he heard from his ex. We've all done it, sat back and reflected on partners who are gone from our lives. But the reality is, we are in a current relationship because we want to be with this person. If we wanted to be with our ex, they wouldn't be called our ex now would they. The only "wrong" party in this song is the ex-girlfriend who can't get over her ex and is drinking and dialing.

Remember - friends don't let friends drink and dial.

LIPS OF AN ANGEL

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

- Hinder

When is enough enough?

I've been doing the on again, off again thing with my love for the past year. I can't only blame him because I played a huge role in the off again, too. I've always been independent, I swore I didn't want to get involved with anyone, and he, unfortunately, got the brunt of my confusion. Don't get me wrong. I have loved this man for a very long time. There was a time when I was so head over heels in love with him that I couldn't even think straight. He was my love, the only man who I allowed to get to know all of me, the only person that I never hid anything from, the only man I truly without a doubt wanted to spend the rest of my life with. God I loved him so much. He wasn't perfect, he had his flaws, but he was always perfect for me.

The thing is, there were so many outside influences that we allowed to interfere in our relationship. Ex girlfriends, ex husbands, kids, jobs, the internet, myspace...you name it, it affected us. As much as we loved each other, we couldn't seem to figure out how to become an "us". The desire was there. The need was definitely there. But we couldn't do it. One of the biggest mistakes we made was instead of being open and honest with each other, and listening to each other, and dealing with these issues when they came up and doing it together, we swept them under the rug and just went on.

Two months ago he moved out. In all fairness to him, I told him to move out. Because of that, I've learned that just because I'm angry doesn't give me the right to say whatever I want. I can't open my mouth and say the first angry mean thought that pops into my head. I have to think of the consequences of my words. He isn't blameless, but neither am I.

The past two months we've tried to work it out and we've tried to be apart. When we're apart I'm usually miserable. And just when I think I've got a handle on my grief, he comes back into my life. When we're together we'll have some good times, but the bond of love that I always felt just isn't there, and in its place is fear and uncertainty.

To add insult to injury, I don't trust him. And because I don't trust him, during my snooping I discovered some things that he's kept hidden from me. A double whammy I guess. First of all, I have never been that woman, the one who snoops. I always had faith in his love and fidelity and his right to privacy because I expected the same from him. So I became that woman, and I also discovered lies and secrets which just gave me more reason to not trust him. It was definitely a screwed up situation with a snowball effect.

Now I'm sure he doesn't trust me either, because like I said, I can say some horrible things when I'm angry, lies designed to destroy a person. So him not trusting me is my own fault for the angry lies that I told him. The truth is, I love the man so much that I can't even dream of being with another, whether he and I are together or not. And without him in my life, I will be happy to live my life alone and not be in another romantic relationship. There is no one that can measure up to him, no one that I want to touch me, no one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Last night I told him that I fell out of love with him. It wasn't a lie. There has been so much damage done to us, by us, that I don't look at him the same anymore. I still love this man with the depths of my soul, but I don't look at him through loving eyes anymore. And I can't honestly say that I've tried very hard, either. I think him moving out this last time was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Any effort that I made was half-hearted at best, and he wasn't making such a full effort either.

I've come to realize that loving him and being in love with him are two completely different things. I used to have both. Now I have only doubts and insecurities and fear, with a lot of memories, good and bad, and a lot of love. But loving him isn't enough for me anymore. I need to be loved by him too. I need him to show me and tell me and act like he loves me. But it seems like neither one of our stubborn arses is willing to give 100% to the other, and I think I've reached the point of no return.

I told him I won't contact him anymore, and I have to make myself stick to that. Because he and I together aren't good anymore. This relationship isn't good for either of us anymore, there is too much baggage that we've never worked through, and to be honest I don't know if we can work through it. We can't seem to talk about things without yelling at each other or saying mean words.

It breaks my heart you know, the thought of spending the rest of my life without him. But it breaks my heart, too, thinking that if I spend the rest of my life with him it will be like this.

I miss my boyfriend that I used to have. I miss the man who would look at me with so much love in his eyes a stranger could see it. I miss the man who used to touch my face so he would remember it when we weren't together. I miss the man who used to call me first thing to tell me good morning, the man who would send me an email so I would walk into work with something to look forward to. I miss the man who loved me. I miss the man that I loved.

But he's gone. And I'm not that woman anymore. So tell me - when is enough enough?

Quote of the Day

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress."

- Bruce Barton

List of the Day - 10 Things I'm Looking Forward To

1. Dinner tonight. Now that I've gotten my appetite back (and some weight to go with it), I'm excited about eating again! Tonight will be fun, the food will be yummy, and I'll be with a friend. Can't beat that ;-)

2. Paying off a credit card. After months of not using this one and paying extra on it, I'm finally in a position where I can make the final payment. Yay for me!!!

3. The weekend. My family is coming over on Saturday for cake and ice cream for my little man's birthday. It will be nice to have us all together. This is the first year that I've not invited my ex-husband to a family celebration, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

4. Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday. Time for friends and family to get together, not having to worry about buying a bunch of presents, and all the yummy desserts.

5. Fall. Finally it has come to Chicagoland. The air this morning is crisp and cool, there's no humidity, and I can wear a sweater without getting too warm.

6. Working on my bathroom. My best friend started working on it a few months ago. He got the icky wallpaper off and painted it my favorite color. It is far from finished, but it looks 1000 times better than it did when I bought the house. This is one room that I can see being completed before the end of the year, and I'm excited!

7. Monday, October 1. This is the day that I will quit smoking. I know it's not hard to do because I've done it in the past. This is the time that I will stay quit, and no amount of stress will cause me to start again.

8. Finishing this book. I've been reading a facinating book entitled "In the Meantime". It talks about love, but it goes much deeper than relationship love. It talks about loving yourself, cleaning out your old baggage, and how to treat others. It talks about how once you become right with yourself, everything else will fall into place. It's something that I've always known, and at times practiced rigorously, but I've seem to forgotten it lately.

9. Taking the kids bowling. My little man had his kids' party this past Saturday, and it was a bowling party. He had so much fun doing it that I've decided to take the kids myself, just the three of us. And I think by using the bumpers, I may even do better myself ;-)

10. Football Sunday. Ah, what can I say. My Packers are 3 and 0, my Titans won Monday night, and the Bears are sucking. Ha ha ha, all is good in the land of football!

Men and Their Lies

I have never understood why men feel the need to lie to us. Oh, sure, they'll turn it around and say that we freak out at the truth which is why they lie. But that is typical "blame all our faults on everyone else" behavior. It is pathetic. You know what? If you were to tell me the truth, I may not like it, but at least I would respect you and have nothing to argue about. I often wonder if men realize what it is that they do to us by lying to us. And it's not just one man. When you get to be my age, you probably have been lied to by several men. Not all the lies are big ones told to cover up their screw-ups. Some are told just because. Some are told to make them look better. But each and every lie that I've been told has turned me into an untrusting person. I hate the woman I have become. I can't believe a word that comes out of a man's mouth unless I have checked the facts. What began as unquestionable faith has turned into doubts and questions. Every lie that I have been told makes me just a little bit more jaded, a little bit more insecure, a little bit more angry and a little bit more untrusting. I hate questioning my man. I love him and I want so much to believe everything he says to me. I hate the doubts that I have in my mind about his fidelity. I hate feeling like he's cheating on me when he's not with me. The problem is that he just doesn't care. He doesn't care that I am the way I am because men have made me that way. He doesn't want to take the extra time to explain things to me, or reassure me of his love and commitment. Instead, he just gets angry at me and accuses me of interrogating him. Then he hides things more and shuts me out even more. Which makes me say yep, I knew it. He's just as pathetic as the rest of them. If he would only take the time to reassure me, if he would be open and honest with me, if he would show me that he cares, in time my faith in him and our relationship would be restored and we'd be in a better place. I know what I need to do, but if he doesn't work with me, things will never get better.

Read more about men and their lies and the effect it has on us women here and here

My Best Date EVER!!!!!!

I went on a date last night. It was awesome. I felt really close to this person. I felt appreciated which is something that I don't feel very often. We didn't do anything exciting or expensive. As a matter of fact, we got to do something which totally pampered me. The conversation was good and there were a lot of laughs. At the end of the night, it was by far one of the best dates I've gone on in a very long time.

My date was my beautiful angel-girl; my daughter.

The Meaning of Time

My boyfriend and I used to get into discussions about our future together and whatnot. He always had a specific order that he wanted things done in. I was the one who was always like order-smorder....who cares. Well, we did things my way, out of his order, and it was nothing short of a disaster. In fact, we're still reeling from the aftershocks.

I would tell him that he can have his order, but I have a time-line. I think that he thought I meant an age time-line. What I mean is that I have a set amount of time in which I will be in one stage before I move to the next stage of the relationship. And this will work both ways. For example, I will not be ready to get engaged until I have reached that point on my time-line. However, I will not wait much longer than my point on the time-line to get engaged, either.

Sure, one can look at it like I'm trying to control things, but it's my life. I've made some bad choices in the past, and I've learned from them. Instead of rushing into something and regretting it later, or waiting too long and regretting it, I'm doing what works for me.

They say that in matters of love you need to listen to your heart. Society tells us we shouldn't listen to our heart, we should listen to our head and our friends and our family and everyone else BUT our heart. I believe that matters of the heart involve the heart, and what best to listen to than your heart. I know in my heart that I love this man and want to marry him. I've felt this for almost a year. In all this time, that has never waivered. Even when we were at our lowest point, I still knew that we are meant to be together for the rest of our lives.

My heart is telling me something and I still have a time-line and he has an order. Leaving him would be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but if he doesn't feel the way I feel, no time-line or order will change that.

Quote of the Day

"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't."

- Blaise Pascal

List of the Day - My Frustrations

1. My ex-husband badmouths me to the kids. I hate this. They are my children, too. I carried them and gave birth to them. I work my butt off to give them food and clothing and a roof over their heads. I don't spoil them, but I buy them other things when I feel like it. When they're with me, I'm with them instead of pawning them off on a babysitter so I can go out. I take them to museums or the drive-in or the mall or to restaurants or on mini-vacations. But my ex-husband is one who is bitter over the divorce, who can't seem to get his stuff together, and who spoils them rotten. He tells them lies or his opinions about me and my boyfriend or my family, and those are the words that I hear coming out of my babies' mouths.

2. My house has a lot of work to be done to it, and I can't do it alone. As much as I complain, I love my house. It was the first house that I bought and I'm partial to it. It was vacant when I bought it and there is a lot of updating and things that need to be done. I'm frustrated because my boyfriend and I had all these plans to get things done to it, and even started to do some things, and then he went down a different path and now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to do this on my own.

3. My boyfriend has no room for me in his life anymore. He has all these plans for the future like to buy a house or do this or do that, and all his plans for the future don't include me. A big change from a few months ago when we were looking at engagement rings.

Ok, so the list of the day is pretty short which is a good thing. Unfortunately, the things on the list are major issues that I'm struggling with.

Quote of the Day

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

- Gilda Radner

Southwest's New Boarding Procedures

I just read an article which informs that Southwest is changing their boarding procedures. While they will still have open seating, the boarding passes will now be numbered, which will delineate your place in line. If you're not familiar with Southwest's current boarding procedures, it goes something like this:

24 hours before your flight, you can check-in online. You print out your boarding pass and are issued a letter: A, B or C. I believe that the earlier you check-in, the higher your number is. Obviously A boards first (after the pre-boards), then B, then C. Because Southwest doesn't have assigned seating, you can choose to sit wherever there's an available seat.

With this new procedure, however, you will still have open seating, you will still be assigned a letter, but you will now have to get in line accordingly. I think that theoretically it's a good idea, however, with people like me who are usually running late and have sometimes made it to the terminal with only a minute to spare before boarding begins, it kind of sucks.

At any rate, I'm anxious to see how smoothly this new boarding procedure goes. I enjoy flying Southwest, not only because the rates are reasonable, but because it's very convenient and they go to many places that I like to travel to. Hopefully it won't cause more chaos or delays than there already are.

Destination....unknown

It's been a hectic and trying couple of months to say the least. I feel like I'm being pulled from all different directions. So many people think they know what's best for me, and only two people in my life aren't telling me what I should be doing. They're telling me that it's ok not to make a decision right now. They're telling me that whatever I decide, they still love me and are not going to judge me.

Last night I was fed up. I realized that there was no way I could make a rational decision because I was full of emotion. I was sick of the circus that one aspect of my life had become, and I had had enough. I decided to take some time for me. And that's what I'm doing. I don't owe anyone anything. I'm not going to let other people's opinions dictate my decisions and the way that I live my life.

This morning I woke up feeling like I wanted to take a mini-vacation, something that I like to do every so often. I could have very easily gone away alone. I chose to invite the man I love to go along with me. When I initially asked him, I had no destination in mind. All I knew was I was going away this weekend if I had to jump in the car and drive until I was tired. He was all for it. He felt, as I do, that the destination really doesn't matter, as long as we're together we can have a great time.

At the time of this writing, I have a destination and a resort in mind, simply because I'm going to spoil myself (and Rand since he's coming along) and splurge on an outrageously priced suite. But that's all that I'm planning for. Who knows what this weekend holds. And who really cares. I'm tired of reacting to everyone around me. I'm tired of letting my actions be based on everyone else's actions and opinions and words. I'm tired of planning for the future, regretting the past and missing my present. It's time to be real, and that starts with me.

On a side note, if you want to read more about reactions and being real, here are some links: here, here and here.

Quote of the Day

"Children are our most valuable natural resource."

- Herbert Hoover

I'm not a Mamma's Boy anymore, Mom

Yesterday was my little guy's 7th birthday. Wow. It seems like just yesterday I was taking him home from the hospital, exhausted from no sleep, scared that I'd make a mistake. And here we are, seven years later. Last night I was tucking him in bed and we were having our cuddle time and just talking some. I asked him how it feels to be seven years old now. He said, "well, mom, I'm not a mamma's boy anymore." I said but you're still mommy's boy, aren't you? He told me that I had to call him by his name, not baby or honey or little man. Then he told me that I can only tell him that I love him at bedtime and when he's getting out of the car to go to his dad's. I can only give him hugs and kisses at those times, too. He said "I love you mom, but I'm 7 now and this is how it has to be."

Being a parent is one of the most difficult and rewarding things that I'm doing with my life. To watch them grow, to try and guide them without crushing their spirit. To want to take all of their hurts away like I did when they were little and fell off their bike. To teach them by example, not just with words.

It's not usually easy, but I hope and pray that they learn all they need to know from me, and see that I love them. I hope when they grow up they can look back and say "mom wasn't perfect, but she loved us and taught us well."

Quote of the Day

"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."

- Josh Billings

the time has come to quit

That's right. I'm going to do it. I'm going to quit smoking, and this time I'm going to stay quit. I will officially become a non-smoker. I'm going to do it a bit different this time though. I'm going to pick a date, and the days leading up to that date I'm going to smoke less and less. That way, when the time comes, I will have already found new things to do with my hands and the boredom won't be so much. I don't smoke in my house as it is so that's a bonus already. It's the right thing to do. I'll feel better, look better, and smell better. I'll be able to breathe again. I'm excited ;-)

The date I'm going to quit? October 1.

Good luck to me!!!

A Public Apology

To my boyfriend,

I'm sorry for being so bossy today. I'm sorry that you're sad. I love you.

Love,

Your Angel

Myspace - the demise of relationships

Myspace has got to be one of the most destructive and addictive websites around. The damage that it does to relationships far surpasses even porn! And why? Because people are liars. They fool themselves into believing that its just a harmless website, and whatever happens on myspace is just on myspace and doesn't affect their real lives. And that, my friend, is bullshit. Have you ever gone to your boyfriend's profile only to see 21-year-old bimbos leaving him sexy comments? Or how about the 550 friends that your girlfriend has? That girl doesn't even know 550 people, and yet each and every one of them is a guy leaving her a comment saying call me. And then there are the blogs. Oh, the power of the tongue. Sure - they're just words. But what about when you recognize yourself in those blogs? And what about when those blogs cast you in a bad light? Oh, but it's just myspace, it doesn't really matter. Right? Hell yes it matters. Look, if your partner is writing stuff about you on myspace, or has comments left by all these memebers of the opposite sex, and is in a relationship with you, there's a problem. It's not just words written on a stupid website. It's other women flirting with your man and him allowing it, it's other men telling your girlfriend to call them, and it's words that belittle you that your partner put up.

No, it's not just a website. It's something that is impacting your life and your relationship.

Quote of the Day

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

- James A. Baldwin

The Pressure is On

Have you ever felt like you're being pulled in every different direction by the people around you? Why is it that some people seem to know what's best for you, but can't get their own life together? It all boils down to control. They try to control you by threatening you. They try to control you by scaring you. They try to control you by telling you what an idiot you are. Never once do they ask you what you want. It's always what they want for you. While the tactics are bad, the intent can be fine....when you are a child. I am 31 years old, and I'm pretty sure that I know what's best for my life. I am a good mother. I have a fabulous career. My friends are supportive and encouraging. I own my own home. When it comes down to it, I pretty much have my life together. Oh, sure, there are things that I'm working on in my life, certain personality traits that I'm not happy with so I'm working on changing them. But isn't that what you do when you grow as a person?

So where do these people get off trying to tell me how to run my life? And to do it by threats or insults of my character and parenting skills? I've got news for people - I am in charge of my life. I will make the decision that I feel is best, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. The only people that I have to worry about are two little children, and since I would never put them in harm's way, those that are trying to "help me" (control me) can keep their opinions to themselves.

You know, a conversation that I had with a friend a few months ago keeps running through my mind. Basically he told me that he allowed people to interfere in his marriage, and it caused chaos and hurt feelings between him and his wife. He got to the point where he decided that he would allow no outside influences to interfere in his marriage, and if they tried, he would simply cut them out of his life. And that's the point that I'm at now. If anyone trys to interfere in my life and cause chaos and discontent in my life and the lives of my children, I'm done. They're out of my life. "He gone"...as they say at The Cell.

So all I have left to say to those individuals that seem intent on running my life is bring it on. You may not like the results.

the man that I love

The man that I love is kind. He is generous and loving and secure and inquisitive. He admires me for raising my children on my own. He encourages me to be the best that I can. He is patient. He has a beautiful soul. He tells me that I'm beautiful. He loves me for the woman that I am, not the woman that he wants me to be. He is intelligent but never makes another feel inferior. He respects that my religious beliefs are different than his. He sends me flowers just to make me smile. He never says hurtful words. He never tries to instill fear in me. His smile lights up his face. His touch is magic. The love that we share is beautiful and sensual...a meeting of two that become one. The man that I love is interested in me. The man that I love is giving. The man that I love would never cause me pain, or make me cry. The man that I love would never lie to me. The man that I love wipes my tears away. The man that I love cradles my face in his hands as he softly tells me that he loves me. The man that I love drives hours with little sleep just to see me. The man that I love hops on a plane to be with me at the doctor. The man that I love gets excited because I get excited. The man that I love smiles because the lights of Vegas thrill me. The man that I love meets me in the middle of the train just to kiss me.

Thank you for the memories, my sweet man. Let's make new ones.

10 Things I Want to Do

It's always nice to have goals. It doesn't matter how big or small your goal is, if you are working towards something, how can you go wrong? My life is pretty set: mom, career, house, friends, love...but I still take time to do dream, to set my sights on something and work towards achieving it. By doing this, it keeps me learning, growing, and teaching my children to be well-rounded.

1. Brush up on my German. I'm a military brat, and when I was younger my dad was stationed in Germany. We learned German in the military school, but we didn't live on base, and instead lived in a beautiful little village called Kirchberg an der Iller. It was there that I truly learned to speak German. As I've gotten older, I forgot most of it. However, one of my goals is to relearn it. It helps that my love has also learned it ;-)

2. Go on a cruise. I've never done it. It should be fun. Just a nice little getaway.

3. Get a passport. Ok, obviously living overseas I had a passport, but it's expired. I want to renew my passport because what if I wanted to take off to Canada or Mexico for the weekend?

4. Go to Ireland. It's such a beautiful country, how could I not want to visit it?

5. See my children become responsibile adults. They learn not from your words, but by your actions.

There are so many more things I want to do in my life, but these are some of my bigger goals.

Quote of the Day

"A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea."

- Honore de Balzac

it's the little things

"u r beautiful"

That's the text message that was on my phone when I woke up this morning. No big declaration of love. No long-winded message talking about how he can't wait to see me again and this and that. One simple phrase. Just enough to make my smile even bigger, and put a spring in my step as I walked to the train this morning.

I've said it before and I'm saying it again - it really is the little things that mean so much.

It's just dinner.....

Yesterday I met this guy. Ok, I didn't just meet him yesterday, I mean, I've seen him around for the past 3 months, but I didn't know he was interested in me. Besides, I had a boyfriend and wasn't looking at other men. So anyway, yesterday my mom (how funny is that) and I are talking to this guy and he's like "so when are we going to have dinner?" I must admit, I was quite shocked. But my mom butts in and was like "come on, you have to start dating again." Ugh, right? But ok, I figured what the heck. I'll go out with this guy. I mean, it's not like he's proposing marriage or anything. And I'm certainly not looking to fall in love. So there really isn't a reason for me to be scared. Right? Well, whether there's a reason or not, I'm still pretty nervous about it. But it should be fun. I talked to him on the phone for a bit last night and it was a nice conversation. He had me laughing which is a good thing...not something I've been doing very much of lately. So yea, what the heck, I'll go out with him.

I mean, it's just dinner.

Quote of the Day

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

- Buddha

List of the Day - 10 Reasons I am Happy Today

1. My children are my blessings.

2. Fall is here!!!!!

3. It's Friday.

4. I've found peace within myself.

5. I talked to "M" and he's coming in to see me.

6. I have some of the best friends a woman could ask for.

7. My family loves me.

8. I love my job.

9. The sun is out.

10. I got a good night's sleep.

I watched this documentary called "The Secret" and one part had a guy talking about a gratitude rock. Every time he would touch the rock, he would think of something that he was grateful for. I've found myself caught up in a situation and it completely consumed me. I was walking around with my head down, no personality, simply an empty shell of the woman that I am. I had to make a conscious effort to pick my head up and see the world around me. Instead of focusing on what was bad, I began to focus on what is good. By doing that, I was able to eliminate the bad from my life and find true joy in all that is good. It's the little things....

When you least expect it, God smiles on you....

It's been a really rough time lately. I've been caught up in something that I thought I wanted and I was fighting for, only to end up more hurt and bruised than if I had let it go to begin with. But that's ok. I got away from the situation. However, the damage that it did to my mind and my heart and my self-esteem are something that even I, in all my jadedness, didn't see coming. But that's ok, too. Because things get better when you least expect it.

I began to pray before I went to lunch, out of desperation as usual, more out of habit because I was to the point where I didn't think God was hearing me anymore. The funny thing is, I've discovered that when I'm at my lowest point is when I'm not trying to control anything. When I'm at my lowest point is when I think that God is so far from me and I'm talking to Him out of habit. When I'm at my lowest point is when God is listening.

Today something happened at lunch that not only showed me that God is listening and watching out for me, it reaffirmed the difficult and painful decision that I made last night is the right thing to do, but it gave me a much needed mini-boost of self-esteem and hope for my future.

And once again, life is good ;-)

Quote of the Day

"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!"

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Let Me Go

My life was complete
I was happy and full
But I didn't know that your love
Would have such a pull.

We fell hard
And we fell fast
But the distance between us
Made me question if we'd last.

You were my wanderer
My sweet gypsy man
And when my head said "this is impossible"
Your heart said "yes we can".

After months of traveling
I said "I can't do this anymore"
Two weeks later
You were there at my door.

Time went by
And we grew closer still
But little did I know
That I couldn't fit the bill.

There were times of great joy
And times we both were sad
But the fool in me said
The good outweighs the bad.

When you said it was over
I couldn't get past the shock
How could you leave me
I thought you were my rock.

The days turned into weeks
And we just can't get along
I've tried and I've tried
But I guess I'm not that strong.

I can't keep doing this
We're just spinning our wheels
Please just let me be
My heart has to heal.

I love you so much
And this I know you know
But please, baby, please
Just let me go.

here's one for the ladies - 10 worst pickup lines ever

The whole meeting someone and starting to date can be a very scary thing. And I have to tell you, once you get past 30, there are a lot of losers out there. I try to find humor in the situation, otherwise I would get frustrated and scream "am I going to be alone FOREVER????" Here are some pick-up lines that amuse me.

1. What's your sign? Ok, really? Do you want to know what grade I'm in too?

2. I love your pants. Gee, thanks, but you're not going to get in them so move along....

3. Hey baby, can I get your number? Ummmm, no, but can you learn to speak proper English?

4. You make me feel. Oh really, did you feel the drink I just dumped on your head?

5. (said to my daughter) Is that your sister? Really, I'm flattered, but if I'm old enough to be the mother of a teenager, you should be old enough to know that this line doesn't work.

6. Can I see your shoes? Creepy. Enough said.

7. Here, I'll take the cab with you to make sure you get home ok. Well sweetheart, I hope you have enough cabfare for the both of us because you're not coming in.

8. I'm so great, I can get any woman in this bar. Minus one.

9. I'm the alpha-male, want to be my woman? Uh, no thank you.

10. Do you come here often? Not anymore.

Men, with lines likes these, us women prefer to remain single. But I will admit, one of those lines worked on me. Can you guess which one?

List of the Day - 10 Ways to Get Over Your Ex

1. Create an online dating profile, and respond to every man who contacts you.
You may not be interested in them, but the attention will make you feel good!

2. Answer ads on Craigslist.
You never know who you might meet.

3. Buy some shoes.
Shoes are a woman's best friend. Nothing can take away the pain like trying on 30 pairs of shoes before settling on the perfect pair.

4. Icecream.
It's nice and cold and smooth going down your throat, which is probably raw from all the crying you've done.

5. Have a cleansing party.
Invite your girlfriends over, gather all of the things he left at your house, and burn them. Just don't catch the living room on fire.

6. Get drunk.
No, it won't make the pain go away, but a good bottle of champagne goes a long way in making you forget about how miserable you are.

7. Call him.
Not just once. Call him every 5 minutes, text him, email him. Over and over and over again just to tell him how wonderful your life is without him and how happy you are that he's out of your life.

8. Don'tdatehimgirl.com.
Go ahead, enter his name on there. You may not have him, but at least no one else will have him either!

9. Work.
Work all the time. Work every single hour that you are awake, and when you're asleep, dream about work. Besides, it'll take your mind off of how empty your bed feels since he's been gone.

10. Get a makeover.
Skip past the part of dying or cutting your hair and getting your nails done. Go straight for the gold. Have plastic surgery. You'll feel like a brand new you!

Ok, seriously, these are just for fun. I have absolutely no idea how to give anyone advice on how to get over their ex. You just have to make the decision that you don't want to feel the pain anymore, and get on with your life. It sucks, it's hard, but you just do it. And every day you'll feel a little bit better. But you don't know until you try.

Wednesday's Quote of the Day

"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies."

- Aristotle

and now.....my quote of the day!

"Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

Wisdom of the Day

If my needs are not being met by this relationship/situation/person, I can look elsewhere to get my needs met.

a different kind of list - shoes and memories

My loved ones are always teasing me about the number of shoes that I have. What they don't understand is that for me, my shoes are my memories. Some people look at pictures that remind them of times past. I put on a pair of shoes and am reminded of things. So here are some of my shoes and the memories that go along with them.

1. Lime green no-back gymshoes. My boyfriend had taken a day off work and spent it downtown. Carson's was closing and he went shopping. He picked me up from work, and told me he had a surprise for me. That surprise was those shoes, which he picked out in my favorite color.

2. Pointy-toed black stilettos. The kids and I were shoe shopping. I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and this was in the beginning of the relationship. We were talking, and something that he said stopped me in my tracks. I felt as if everything around me ceased to exist and at the one moment in time, I knew just how deep a connection he and I had.

3. Rose-colored flip-flops. They were my beach shoes. Every weekend I was at the beach. Those shoes were dirty and worn out and weren't good for walking anywhere but on sand, but I loved them.

4. Knee-high black boots. My first pair of knee-high boots and oh how I love them. I had never owned anything so feminine since I became a mom, and they definitely made me feel like I was a woman.

5. Shell-toed white gymshoes. I remember when I bought my house all the hard work that we put into it to get it ready to move into. They were filthy and covered in paint, spackle and sawdust, but every time I put them on I knew that I was accomplishing something.

I own over 50 pairs of shoes, and while some of them don't carry the strong memories that others do, each and every one of them mean something to me. They are my life, my past, my present, and my future. Each pair, as different as they may be from each other, is a little part of what makes me me.

my rant for the day

There are times when I really hate this age of technology. We have so many tools at our disposal to give us ways to communicate: email, text messaging, cell phone, im'ing, and really, I think it's caused people to simply become more rude. Imagine you send someone an email. You know they got it. Do they respond to you? No. RUDE!!!! How about a text message. Unless their phone is broken, you know they got it. Do they respond to you? No. RUDE!!!! Can you imagine sitting face to face with someone, asking them a question, and them ignoring you like you're not even there? No one would do that because it's RUDE.

Even if I feel that the email doesn't require a response, or even if I don't want to talk to the person, I still respond. Not only is it polite, but I expect to be responded to as well.

I really believe that all this progress in technology has made many of us not only lazy, but incredibly rude, too.

This love affair of mine

It started in 1985. It started with Walter Payton, the Fridge, and Jim McMahon. Then along came Brett Favre. Throughout the years, it's been Deion Sanders, Donovan McNabb and, yes, even Sexy Rexy.

Football season officially started this past Thursday, and my heart is full again. Oh, sure, I spent my time during the offseason watching the Cubs, going to the beach, and putzing around the house. But I kept counting the days until my Sunday afternoons would once again be filled with joy. And finally, that time has come. Time to stock up on the chips and diet coke, make sure my jersey is clean and my Bears blanket (gotta support the home team - until they play my Packers!)is soft and fresh smelling and order a new Packer's shirt and hat (which I just did thank you nfl.com). Thank you, NFL. Life makes sense again.

List of the Day - 10 reasons why I wanted to stay in bed this morning

1. It felt soooooo good to be buried under the covers.
2. It was still dark when I woke up.
3. Today is Monday.
4. My body aches from all the exercise I got this weekend.
5. It's cold outside.
6. I like my sheets.
7. I couldn't figure out what to wear to work today.
8. I like to read in bed.
9. I like the photographs on my bedroom wall.
10. I wanted to go back to sleep.

10 things I miss about living with my boyfriend (yes, I do so LOVE my lists)

Going from living together to living apart, no matter if temporary or not, is a difficult transition. So often we take the little things for granted, but when you don't have them anymore, it's the little things that we miss the most. Here are some of the things that I miss the most, in randem order....


1. Our Saturday/Sunday morning coffee and breakfast time.

2. Riding the train home from work together.

3. Watching football on Sunday, and me falling asleep with my head in his lap.

4. Folding his laundry.

5. Kissing his shoulder before I fall asleep.

6. Going to the grocery store together.

7. Sitting on our swing and talking about whatever comes to mind.

8. Trying a new recipe and seeing the look on his face as he takes the first bite.

9. Listening to him and my son play Play Station.

10. His good-bye kiss in the morning as he leaves for the gym.

There are so many more little things that were taken for granted, and if I were to name them all I'd have a novel by the time I was done. My lesson in this? The highs and lows aren't what's going to give you a lasting relationship. It's the little things that strengthen the bond between you, create intimacy, and grow into a love that's everlasting. He and I may no longer live together at this point, but the time that we spend together, I appreciate and savor every moment of it. While we're creating new and happy memories, I'm also falling in love all over again with the man that I already love. And that's a pretty amazing thing.

Ten Things That I Can Do (a fun little pick-me-up)

1. I can invite my girlfriends over for a margarita/house cleaning party.

2. I can redecorate my bedroom in whatever color I want.

3. I can cheer against whatever team is playing the Packers.

4. I can buy peep-toed stilettos.

5. I can cut my hair short and dye it any color I want.

6. I can watch whatever chick flick I'm in the mood for.

7. I can cook with onions.

8. I can eat Mexican food every night of the week.

9. I can dance around the living room naked while listening to Wilco.

10. I can wear the color yellow.

What In the World????

Today when I picked my son up from his Grandma's house after work, I was met with some disturbing news. My baby boy, only 6 years old, was riding his bike to his buddy's house, not even a half a block away. Several bigger boys knocked him off his bike and tried to steal his bike. My poor little guy has cuts and bruises on him. Luckily, those nasty boys were scared off before more damage was done, and without the bike. You know, it's not like they live in a "bad" neighborhood. It's an upper middle class area, tree lined streets, larger houses and nicely manicured lawns. What a sad day it is when a 6 year old can't even ride his bike to his friend's house without being accosted. I asked my son if he got any hits in (yes, me, always the fighter) and he said "yes Mommy, I kicked one of them in the ding ding". Good for you baby boy, good for you.

I love Chris Daughtry.....

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Yummy Yummy Yummy, I've Got Some Food in my Tummy!!!

One of my goals is to gain back the 10 pounds that I lost this month so I’ve been making it a point to EAT!!! I bought my coffee cake muffin from DD this morning with every intention of chowing down when I got to the office. Couple this sinus infection with a load of stress and, well, food just doesn’t taste very good to me. As I was walking over the bridge this morning, I saw the same homeless guy that I see standing there every morning panhandling, so I decided to give him my breakfast. What the heck, he got some food and it got me out of my own head to do something nice. I figured I wouldn’t eat until lunchtime which was fine by me.

There’s a tradition at my firm that whenever it’s someone’s birthday, their secretary (or boss) brings in treats for breakfast. So, as I’m sitting here typing this, I’m eating a yummilicious chocolate chip coffee cake and a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast! And who said you can’t have chocolate for breakfast????

What a fabulous way to start off my Thursday ;-)

Some Things That I've Learned

1. Never make someone your whole world. Your neediness will push them away, and when they leave it's harder to pick up the pieces.

2. If someone is constantly in and out of your life, the blame is on you for allowing it to happen.

3. You do deserve to be happy. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

4. If someone loves you, they won't constantly criticize you and tell you to change. They'll love you and accept you for the person that you are, and encourage you to be the best that you can be.

5. Love and respect go hand in hand, but it's also a two-way street.

6. It takes two people for problems to occur, and it takes two people to fix them. Not one person is capable of doing it by themself. That's why it's called a partnership.

7. Never beg a person to stay with you. If they don't want to be with you, you won't want them with you.

8. Sometimes love really isn't enough. But it's a start.

9. You really can get a "do-over". Every time you make a mistake, take a breath, and try again. And again. And again.

10. Love yourself first. Let everyone else get in line.