When is enough enough?

I've been doing the on again, off again thing with my love for the past year. I can't only blame him because I played a huge role in the off again, too. I've always been independent, I swore I didn't want to get involved with anyone, and he, unfortunately, got the brunt of my confusion. Don't get me wrong. I have loved this man for a very long time. There was a time when I was so head over heels in love with him that I couldn't even think straight. He was my love, the only man who I allowed to get to know all of me, the only person that I never hid anything from, the only man I truly without a doubt wanted to spend the rest of my life with. God I loved him so much. He wasn't perfect, he had his flaws, but he was always perfect for me.

The thing is, there were so many outside influences that we allowed to interfere in our relationship. Ex girlfriends, ex husbands, kids, jobs, the internet, myspace...you name it, it affected us. As much as we loved each other, we couldn't seem to figure out how to become an "us". The desire was there. The need was definitely there. But we couldn't do it. One of the biggest mistakes we made was instead of being open and honest with each other, and listening to each other, and dealing with these issues when they came up and doing it together, we swept them under the rug and just went on.

Two months ago he moved out. In all fairness to him, I told him to move out. Because of that, I've learned that just because I'm angry doesn't give me the right to say whatever I want. I can't open my mouth and say the first angry mean thought that pops into my head. I have to think of the consequences of my words. He isn't blameless, but neither am I.

The past two months we've tried to work it out and we've tried to be apart. When we're apart I'm usually miserable. And just when I think I've got a handle on my grief, he comes back into my life. When we're together we'll have some good times, but the bond of love that I always felt just isn't there, and in its place is fear and uncertainty.

To add insult to injury, I don't trust him. And because I don't trust him, during my snooping I discovered some things that he's kept hidden from me. A double whammy I guess. First of all, I have never been that woman, the one who snoops. I always had faith in his love and fidelity and his right to privacy because I expected the same from him. So I became that woman, and I also discovered lies and secrets which just gave me more reason to not trust him. It was definitely a screwed up situation with a snowball effect.

Now I'm sure he doesn't trust me either, because like I said, I can say some horrible things when I'm angry, lies designed to destroy a person. So him not trusting me is my own fault for the angry lies that I told him. The truth is, I love the man so much that I can't even dream of being with another, whether he and I are together or not. And without him in my life, I will be happy to live my life alone and not be in another romantic relationship. There is no one that can measure up to him, no one that I want to touch me, no one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Last night I told him that I fell out of love with him. It wasn't a lie. There has been so much damage done to us, by us, that I don't look at him the same anymore. I still love this man with the depths of my soul, but I don't look at him through loving eyes anymore. And I can't honestly say that I've tried very hard, either. I think him moving out this last time was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Any effort that I made was half-hearted at best, and he wasn't making such a full effort either.

I've come to realize that loving him and being in love with him are two completely different things. I used to have both. Now I have only doubts and insecurities and fear, with a lot of memories, good and bad, and a lot of love. But loving him isn't enough for me anymore. I need to be loved by him too. I need him to show me and tell me and act like he loves me. But it seems like neither one of our stubborn arses is willing to give 100% to the other, and I think I've reached the point of no return.

I told him I won't contact him anymore, and I have to make myself stick to that. Because he and I together aren't good anymore. This relationship isn't good for either of us anymore, there is too much baggage that we've never worked through, and to be honest I don't know if we can work through it. We can't seem to talk about things without yelling at each other or saying mean words.

It breaks my heart you know, the thought of spending the rest of my life without him. But it breaks my heart, too, thinking that if I spend the rest of my life with him it will be like this.

I miss my boyfriend that I used to have. I miss the man who would look at me with so much love in his eyes a stranger could see it. I miss the man who used to touch my face so he would remember it when we weren't together. I miss the man who used to call me first thing to tell me good morning, the man who would send me an email so I would walk into work with something to look forward to. I miss the man who loved me. I miss the man that I loved.

But he's gone. And I'm not that woman anymore. So tell me - when is enough enough?