Right? One minute we're up, the next minute we're down. One minute we're fine on our own, hell bent on walking away; the next minute we're texting or emailing "i love you, come back to me." And so goes this see-saw of emotions that I've been feeling. I used to think that the feelings that I felt were wrong. I was ashamed that I couldn't make up my mind, that I would feel one way one day and a different way the next. But why do I always feel the need to justify things to myself? Aren't I entitled to say I feel all of it? Aren't I entitled to say I just don't know? Because I don't. One minute I'm so sure that this is the right decision. The next day I'm waivering and crying because I miss him so. I "love" him. I love him? Really? Why?
I had lunch with my girlfriend today. She really knows how to ask the probing questions, the questions that make me face myself. She asked me what is there to love? Love is supposed to be beautiful. Love is NOT supposed to make you hurt. And guess what. This freaking hurts. This isn't love. This is a mess. Whatever love there once was between us has been long gone. I've held on to the memories of good times and prayed and wished and hoped that we could get back to the place where there will be good times again.
It's time to face reality and get out of this fantasy world that I've been living in. This man does not love me. This man does not think highly enough of me to make me a priority. He is not there, and I can't make him be there. The sooner I can accept this, the sooner I can allow myself to feel the feelings, feel the pain and move past it. It's time to walk through the fire.
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