Religion and the Like

I've been struggling for a long time with things. It's like I've had a raging internal battle - should I go to church or shouldn't I? I was raised in church so I have knowledge of the Bible. I was baptized when I was 8 or 9. I used to be a youth leader. But somewhere along the way, I began to notice that a lot of the people in church are judgmental and hypocritical. It's funny that I'm seeing these things now. I was 17 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I was still going to church and there I was - an unwed pregnant teenager. Do you think they snubbed me or turned their back on me or kicked me out of the church? Absolutely not. They loved me just as they always did and even threw me a baby shower. Now that is what I call loving like Jesus did.

Fast forward years later. I had just gotten married and I was four months pregnant with my son. Yes, I was pregnant before we got married. We were married in his church where he was a member but I had never joined. We didn't announce that I was pregnant because it really wasn't any one's business. After the marriage, and I began to show, well it was quite obvious that I was pregnant before we got married. Do you know that church sent him a letter REVOKING his membership from the church? The letter stated that he could still attend services and could still tithe, but he was no longer eligible to be a member. Wait a minute....ELIGIBLE? I'm sorry, I thought that was God's house. I ended up in a very heated discussion with one of the elders about just how WRONG their actions are, and after he told me that I needed to confess, I simply told him to f(*& off because the only one I needed to confess to was God and that was none of his business. Yes, I'm pretty foul-mouthed.

Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. My husband and I were youth leaders at a church. We got divorced. The church chose sides and snubbed me. That was the end of that church "family".

Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. I visited my best friend's cousin's church. The pastor spent 5 minutes preaching from the Bible, then spent 45 minutes telling us the dangers of women not wearing skirts and Harry Potter and the government and blah blah blah. When he told me that my daughter looks 16 and then handed me a published book of his own poetry, that was enough for me.

I've been told by several of my friends and even my grandparents that they want me to try their church. How it will be so nice and the kids and I will really enjoy it. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with their churches and I'm sure that they really do enjoy it. But I came to a conclusion yesterday. I do not want to go to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Just because I don't go to church does not mean that I don't believe in God.

As a matter of fact, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that there is a Higher Being out there that loves me and wants me to be happy. This Higher Being may not be the same for everyone. For some it may be Allah, for some it may be Buddha, for some it may be a pop can. For me it is God. And the God that I know and love does not look at the religious freaks blowing up abortion clinics in "the name of God" or the zealots flying planes into one or two or three buildings in "the name of Allah" and smile down at them while saying "thank you, all is good now". The God that I know and love doesn't want me to be sad or angry. He doesn't want me to be mean or vindictive. He wants me to be happy and to love myself and to love others. That is the God that I know and love. And, fortunately for me, I can find that all on my own and don't need a church to point me in the right direction.

So I'm glad that I've finally come to peace with this. I'm not going to feel guilty for not going to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty for what I believe either.