It's all about me, yes, it really is!

I've spent the majority of my adult life taking care of others and worrying about everyone else...all the while putting my wants and needs on the back burner. As a mother, of course my children will be taken care of. That should go without saying. But what about the other relationships? Did I really have to make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness?

Take for example a friendship that I retained for the past 16 years, a friendship that I had long since outgrown. The fact is, I'm not the same person that I was in high school. I have different thoughts, different ideas, different values, different goals. I'm an adult. I have responsibilities. I prefer to live my life drama free. I'm a mom. I'm dedicated to my career. I retained a friendship with a woman who I have nothing in common with except the fact that we were best friends in high school. Every conversation we had involved her telling me about all of her problems, her telling me how her life sucks, her telling me how she doesn't have the money for this or for that, yet she would be drunk while speaking to me in the middle of the day...and unemployed. I finally had to wake up and realize that her drama was bringing me down. I had to walk away. She left me a message yesterday telling me that she had to tell me what happened and would I please call her back. I had to resist the urge to call her back, of course I want to be the empathetic person who is there for her friends. Instead, I sent her a text message asking her not to call me anymore, she's not the only person with problems, and frankly I didn't care to listen to her drama anymore.

Another example of me settling for the sake of another's happiness happened in a relationship I was once involved in. This man and I had a lot in common, but they were all surface things. Nothing that we had in common was anything to build a lifetime upon. We got along pretty well, when we weren't fighting that is ha ha. No, we really did get along. We had a lot of fun together, too. But when we would fight, they were horrible fights. Finally one night I was clearheaded enough to realize that the things we were fighting about all boiled down to the same thing...he and I had different values, and neither of us was willing to bend. For a long time I felt like I was settling because I would try to overlook the things that he did (or wanted to do) that went against what I felt was right. It never worked because I wasn't being true to myself. Once I realized this, of course that made it a lot easier to move on.

Lately I've been doing a lot of things for myself, and myself alone. I quit smoking. I started my 401(k). I've been paying down and paying off my credit cards. I've been cooking more. I've been having fun in ways that I want to have fun, and not just doing things because the person or people I'm with want to do them. I'm contributing more to my savings account. I'm taking the kids on vacation next month. I'm eating better. I joined a gym. I'm a much happier person because I've been taking care of me. And you know what? My kids are happier too because they see how happy I am.

When I start to feel that old guilty feeling because I'm not doing what someone wants me to do...I'm going to remind myself that my life is all about me.

The Pressure is On

Have you ever felt like you're being pulled in every different direction by the people around you? Why is it that some people seem to know what's best for you, but can't get their own life together? It all boils down to control. They try to control you by threatening you. They try to control you by scaring you. They try to control you by telling you what an idiot you are. Never once do they ask you what you want. It's always what they want for you. While the tactics are bad, the intent can be fine....when you are a child. I am 31 years old, and I'm pretty sure that I know what's best for my life. I am a good mother. I have a fabulous career. My friends are supportive and encouraging. I own my own home. When it comes down to it, I pretty much have my life together. Oh, sure, there are things that I'm working on in my life, certain personality traits that I'm not happy with so I'm working on changing them. But isn't that what you do when you grow as a person?

So where do these people get off trying to tell me how to run my life? And to do it by threats or insults of my character and parenting skills? I've got news for people - I am in charge of my life. I will make the decision that I feel is best, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. The only people that I have to worry about are two little children, and since I would never put them in harm's way, those that are trying to "help me" (control me) can keep their opinions to themselves.

You know, a conversation that I had with a friend a few months ago keeps running through my mind. Basically he told me that he allowed people to interfere in his marriage, and it caused chaos and hurt feelings between him and his wife. He got to the point where he decided that he would allow no outside influences to interfere in his marriage, and if they tried, he would simply cut them out of his life. And that's the point that I'm at now. If anyone trys to interfere in my life and cause chaos and discontent in my life and the lives of my children, I'm done. They're out of my life. "He gone"...as they say at The Cell.

So all I have left to say to those individuals that seem intent on running my life is bring it on. You may not like the results.

It's just dinner.....

Yesterday I met this guy. Ok, I didn't just meet him yesterday, I mean, I've seen him around for the past 3 months, but I didn't know he was interested in me. Besides, I had a boyfriend and wasn't looking at other men. So anyway, yesterday my mom (how funny is that) and I are talking to this guy and he's like "so when are we going to have dinner?" I must admit, I was quite shocked. But my mom butts in and was like "come on, you have to start dating again." Ugh, right? But ok, I figured what the heck. I'll go out with this guy. I mean, it's not like he's proposing marriage or anything. And I'm certainly not looking to fall in love. So there really isn't a reason for me to be scared. Right? Well, whether there's a reason or not, I'm still pretty nervous about it. But it should be fun. I talked to him on the phone for a bit last night and it was a nice conversation. He had me laughing which is a good thing...not something I've been doing very much of lately. So yea, what the heck, I'll go out with him.

I mean, it's just dinner.

When you least expect it, God smiles on you....

It's been a really rough time lately. I've been caught up in something that I thought I wanted and I was fighting for, only to end up more hurt and bruised than if I had let it go to begin with. But that's ok. I got away from the situation. However, the damage that it did to my mind and my heart and my self-esteem are something that even I, in all my jadedness, didn't see coming. But that's ok, too. Because things get better when you least expect it.

I began to pray before I went to lunch, out of desperation as usual, more out of habit because I was to the point where I didn't think God was hearing me anymore. The funny thing is, I've discovered that when I'm at my lowest point is when I'm not trying to control anything. When I'm at my lowest point is when I think that God is so far from me and I'm talking to Him out of habit. When I'm at my lowest point is when God is listening.

Today something happened at lunch that not only showed me that God is listening and watching out for me, it reaffirmed the difficult and painful decision that I made last night is the right thing to do, but it gave me a much needed mini-boost of self-esteem and hope for my future.

And once again, life is good ;-)

What In the World????

Today when I picked my son up from his Grandma's house after work, I was met with some disturbing news. My baby boy, only 6 years old, was riding his bike to his buddy's house, not even a half a block away. Several bigger boys knocked him off his bike and tried to steal his bike. My poor little guy has cuts and bruises on him. Luckily, those nasty boys were scared off before more damage was done, and without the bike. You know, it's not like they live in a "bad" neighborhood. It's an upper middle class area, tree lined streets, larger houses and nicely manicured lawns. What a sad day it is when a 6 year old can't even ride his bike to his friend's house without being accosted. I asked my son if he got any hits in (yes, me, always the fighter) and he said "yes Mommy, I kicked one of them in the ding ding". Good for you baby boy, good for you.

Yummy Yummy Yummy, I've Got Some Food in my Tummy!!!

One of my goals is to gain back the 10 pounds that I lost this month so I’ve been making it a point to EAT!!! I bought my coffee cake muffin from DD this morning with every intention of chowing down when I got to the office. Couple this sinus infection with a load of stress and, well, food just doesn’t taste very good to me. As I was walking over the bridge this morning, I saw the same homeless guy that I see standing there every morning panhandling, so I decided to give him my breakfast. What the heck, he got some food and it got me out of my own head to do something nice. I figured I wouldn’t eat until lunchtime which was fine by me.

There’s a tradition at my firm that whenever it’s someone’s birthday, their secretary (or boss) brings in treats for breakfast. So, as I’m sitting here typing this, I’m eating a yummilicious chocolate chip coffee cake and a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast! And who said you can’t have chocolate for breakfast????

What a fabulous way to start off my Thursday ;-)

Some Things That I've Learned

1. Never make someone your whole world. Your neediness will push them away, and when they leave it's harder to pick up the pieces.

2. If someone is constantly in and out of your life, the blame is on you for allowing it to happen.

3. You do deserve to be happy. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

4. If someone loves you, they won't constantly criticize you and tell you to change. They'll love you and accept you for the person that you are, and encourage you to be the best that you can be.

5. Love and respect go hand in hand, but it's also a two-way street.

6. It takes two people for problems to occur, and it takes two people to fix them. Not one person is capable of doing it by themself. That's why it's called a partnership.

7. Never beg a person to stay with you. If they don't want to be with you, you won't want them with you.

8. Sometimes love really isn't enough. But it's a start.

9. You really can get a "do-over". Every time you make a mistake, take a breath, and try again. And again. And again.

10. Love yourself first. Let everyone else get in line.

Repairing the Damaged Files

How does something so beautiful turn so ugly? How can a simple disagreement turn into attacks on character and cruel low blows?

It's like when your network crashes. The files may be saved, but they could be damaged. If you don't go in and manually repair each file, one by one, a corrupt file could pop up down the road, causing more frustration because it wasn't fixed when the crash happened.

The Things We Take for Granted

This morning it was rainy and nasty as usual, so when I came out of the train station I came out underground. There was a woman sitting there on the sidewalk asking everyone who walked by to help her get something to eat. As I walked up the stairs to come above ground, there was a man standing there with a cup singing Jesus Loves Me. As I walked on the bridge to cross the Chicago River, there was a man sitting there with a cup; the same man who I see every morning. I think back to all the times I averted my gaze, all the times I rolled up my car window, all the times I pretended my mp3 was up too loud and I couldn't hear them, couldn't see them, dirty and hungry.

And then I think about my brother, and the choice he made in the past. I think about the man I've seen at the train station, sitting on the stairs. I think about the times I've given him food and the tears in his eyes as he thanked me and said "God bless you." I think about years ago when I was so poor I had to work 3 deadend jobs, two at restaurants just so I can eat.

At any given moment, I could become like them. At any given moment, all of my blessings could be taken away from me. So my basement floods, at least I have a basement. So my car got broken into, at least I have a car. So the server messed up my order, at least I was able to eat. I complain that my man doesn't love me enough, that my children don't behave, that my shoes hurt my feet. At least God blessed me with those things. At least I'm not alone in this world, hungry dirty and cold, wondering where my next meal is going to come from and if I'm going to make it through the night.

A tale of the "nice" thief, and the man who loves me

As you know, I take the train downtown. I drive to Chicago, only to get on the train and take it the rest of the way in. I rarely park in the Metra lot because it's a pain to get out of, I hate paying for parking, and it gets all muddy when it rains. Even though it's a bad neighborhood, I park on a side street, along with many other people.

Yesterday, I came back to my car, only to find my window smashed and my stereo missing. Of course, I did what any woman in my position would do, and I started to cry. Then I called the police. Not like I expected them to do anything, but I had to get a report on file. Of course I didn't have a pen with me to write down the number. After I got off the phone with the police, I called Randy. In case it isn't totally obvious, he and I are going through a VERY rough time right now. However, he's always been my rock, and I could only think of calling him. He's always made it better. The sound of his voice always comforts me. Anyway, I'm crying and was so distraught that I couldn't figure out what to do next. He managed to (somewhat) calm me down enough to get me to call my insurance company. So I get off the phone with him, and I call the insurance company to find out what to do. I tell you, State Farm is worth all the money I've paid them over the years, because they were able to give me a number to a 24 hour glass place. While I was on the phone with the glass place, Randy pulled up. My sweet man, in my moment of need, no matter what is going on between us, stopped what he was doing and drove to Chicago to be with me. No matter what doubts I have that he loves me, how angry he is with me or me with him, he came to me when I needed him. That tells me right there that he loves me still. So he gets me home, gets the kids for me, and gets me calmed down.

This morning as we're driving in to work, I was thinking about my car. I had my favorite My Chem cd in the stereo, and the thief kindly left it on my seat. They didn't take any of my cd's, and I had a whole bunch of them in the car. They left Tristan's car seat, which as you know isn't cheap. They left my $350 designer sunglasses in the car. They only broke the rear smaller window instead of breaking out all the glass. I had a half a cup of coffee sitting in the cupholder, and instead of spilling it all over my car, they set in on the floorboard so it wouldn't spill. They could have stolen my car, and instead they left it for me. While I still feel completely violated, it could have been a lot worse. I'm grateful that they didn't do more damage, I'm grateful that Randy loves me still and didn't leave me alone to deal with this, and I'm grateful that the kids and I weren't near the car when it happened.

I hope Randy can forgive me for what I put him through this past year, and I hope that whoever stole my stereo needed the money more than I needed the stereo.