I want my life back

I’m depressed. I’m depressed and it’s really hard for me, the eternal optimist, to change my outlook. I know that part of it is due to the surgery, as a matter of fact, they say that depression after this type of surgery is quite common and WILL GO AWAY. It just sucks really bad going through it.

I’m a mess. I made a huge Mistake on November 1, and now that I have too much time on my hands during recovery, I can’t stop beating myself up over it. I can’t take care of myself because I can barely lift my arms. My chest hurts. My clothes don’t fit property. I can’t go to the gym. I get weak and exhausted very quickly. The holidays are almost here and I haven’t started shopping yet. I can’t move the furniture to put up our tree. I cry daily. I don’t sleep well. And in addition, my Mistake of last month is getting off on being cruel to me.

Normally I’m a very happy person. Normally I’m a very active person. Normally I don’t allow myself to focus too long on the negative because I have so many blessings that whatever is negative is overshadowed by the good. But I can’t seem to snap out of it.

I want to go to the gym. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to model again (that’s huge because for a month I lost my passion for it…thanks to my Mistake). I want to start ballet lessons. I want to begin to paint. I want to travel. I want to hang out with my kids without being too exhausted or in pain. I want to cook. I want to bum around the museums. I want to go out on a date with this guy…and not have to cut it short because I’m exhausted. I want to get my hair done.

Really, I just want my life back.