It's time to retire this blog. It was created as an outlet to express my sorrow, and ups and downs, of my time with R. However, he's moved on to greener pastures, and writing here will only remind me of him as I'm trying to let go.
Anyway, you can find me at www.alwaysjustjenn.com.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
If I Were a Boy - Beyonce
If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I want my life back
I’m depressed. I’m depressed and it’s really hard for me, the eternal optimist, to change my outlook. I know that part of it is due to the surgery, as a matter of fact, they say that depression after this type of surgery is quite common and WILL GO AWAY. It just sucks really bad going through it.
I’m a mess. I made a huge Mistake on November 1, and now that I have too much time on my hands during recovery, I can’t stop beating myself up over it. I can’t take care of myself because I can barely lift my arms. My chest hurts. My clothes don’t fit property. I can’t go to the gym. I get weak and exhausted very quickly. The holidays are almost here and I haven’t started shopping yet. I can’t move the furniture to put up our tree. I cry daily. I don’t sleep well. And in addition, my Mistake of last month is getting off on being cruel to me.
Normally I’m a very happy person. Normally I’m a very active person. Normally I don’t allow myself to focus too long on the negative because I have so many blessings that whatever is negative is overshadowed by the good. But I can’t seem to snap out of it.
I want to go to the gym. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to model again (that’s huge because for a month I lost my passion for it…thanks to my Mistake). I want to start ballet lessons. I want to begin to paint. I want to travel. I want to hang out with my kids without being too exhausted or in pain. I want to cook. I want to bum around the museums. I want to go out on a date with this guy…and not have to cut it short because I’m exhausted. I want to get my hair done.
Really, I just want my life back.
I’m a mess. I made a huge Mistake on November 1, and now that I have too much time on my hands during recovery, I can’t stop beating myself up over it. I can’t take care of myself because I can barely lift my arms. My chest hurts. My clothes don’t fit property. I can’t go to the gym. I get weak and exhausted very quickly. The holidays are almost here and I haven’t started shopping yet. I can’t move the furniture to put up our tree. I cry daily. I don’t sleep well. And in addition, my Mistake of last month is getting off on being cruel to me.
Normally I’m a very happy person. Normally I’m a very active person. Normally I don’t allow myself to focus too long on the negative because I have so many blessings that whatever is negative is overshadowed by the good. But I can’t seem to snap out of it.
I want to go to the gym. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to model again (that’s huge because for a month I lost my passion for it…thanks to my Mistake). I want to start ballet lessons. I want to begin to paint. I want to travel. I want to hang out with my kids without being too exhausted or in pain. I want to cook. I want to bum around the museums. I want to go out on a date with this guy…and not have to cut it short because I’m exhausted. I want to get my hair done.
Really, I just want my life back.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Sometimes Goodbye IS a Second Chance
One of the obstacles with getting re-involved with an ex is that there's a history there. Now, in some (many) aspects that's a really good thing. You're comfortable with each other. You have a deep connection. You already love each other. You know each other's likes and dislikes. The list could go on and on, but I think you get the gist of what I'm saying.
Unfortunately, with the good things in your history there's also the bad (hence the break up to begin with). It's hard to forget some of the things that were done during bad periods to each other. Friends and relatives certainly don't forget. I've also discovered that friends and relatives don't mind butting their noses in where it belongs, or behaving as if THEY are the wounded party (i.e. holding it against the person).
Rebuilding and repairing a relationship is hard, but it can be done. I'm learning to forget about the bad from the past and focus on my good memories. When I get upset with him now, it's about something that has happened now, not something that happened two years ago. At least, I try to. When we have disagreements now, I try to take the lessons that I've learned and apply them to the now. I look at each experience with him as something new, and don't punish him or act leery because of how things went in the past. It's hard to do. And it's really scary. But I do it because I love him.
Most importantly, I don't let other people get in our business. There are people that LOVE to remind me of things from our past. I ignore them. They can't get to me. There are other people still who feel it's their place to chastise me for being with him again. I've found my voice, and my voice is telling them that he's the man I love, and if they can't accept him then I don't want them in my life. Unfortunately, they made me choose. Their loss.
Would it be easier to find someone else and start over? Of course. But that would be settling. I've heard that nothing worth anything comes easy. It's true. But it's worth it. Because though the journey is hard (at times) and frustrating (at times), the love that I'm able to give to this man, and receive from him, outweighs anything else. I get to look at our hands entwined and know that we didn't give up. As each anniversary passes, and each day a new lesson is learned, I get to grow closer to him and he to me.
He's my soul mate and I love him, warts and all.
Unfortunately, with the good things in your history there's also the bad (hence the break up to begin with). It's hard to forget some of the things that were done during bad periods to each other. Friends and relatives certainly don't forget. I've also discovered that friends and relatives don't mind butting their noses in where it belongs, or behaving as if THEY are the wounded party (i.e. holding it against the person).
Rebuilding and repairing a relationship is hard, but it can be done. I'm learning to forget about the bad from the past and focus on my good memories. When I get upset with him now, it's about something that has happened now, not something that happened two years ago. At least, I try to. When we have disagreements now, I try to take the lessons that I've learned and apply them to the now. I look at each experience with him as something new, and don't punish him or act leery because of how things went in the past. It's hard to do. And it's really scary. But I do it because I love him.
Most importantly, I don't let other people get in our business. There are people that LOVE to remind me of things from our past. I ignore them. They can't get to me. There are other people still who feel it's their place to chastise me for being with him again. I've found my voice, and my voice is telling them that he's the man I love, and if they can't accept him then I don't want them in my life. Unfortunately, they made me choose. Their loss.
Would it be easier to find someone else and start over? Of course. But that would be settling. I've heard that nothing worth anything comes easy. It's true. But it's worth it. Because though the journey is hard (at times) and frustrating (at times), the love that I'm able to give to this man, and receive from him, outweighs anything else. I get to look at our hands entwined and know that we didn't give up. As each anniversary passes, and each day a new lesson is learned, I get to grow closer to him and he to me.
He's my soul mate and I love him, warts and all.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Though Provoking Quote of the Day
“It’s okay for you to be human. You can make mistakes and you odn’t have to walk around on eggshells or pretend to be a certain way when you’re near me. You don’t have to worry that I’ll freak out every time you disappoint me. I accept the fact that when I’m disappointed, the disappointment is coming from my own thoughts. I have preferences, but won’t allow those preferences to ruin my life. You can have low moods and you even have my permission to be less than perfect. I’m okay even when you’re not okay, and I love you as unconditionally as I know how.”
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. and Kristine Carlson
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our partner said this to us and if we said this to them? How better would our relationships be if this were the case? Sadly, it's almost never the case. I've learned that the one we claim to love the most is the one we hurt the most. I wonder why it is that we tolerate mistakes from mere acquaintances or strangers, but if our partner screws up we can't forgive. Isn't that backwards? Maybe we all need to make a conscious effort to treat our partner with the love, respect, admiration and tolerance that we want them to treat us with.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. and Kristine Carlson
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our partner said this to us and if we said this to them? How better would our relationships be if this were the case? Sadly, it's almost never the case. I've learned that the one we claim to love the most is the one we hurt the most. I wonder why it is that we tolerate mistakes from mere acquaintances or strangers, but if our partner screws up we can't forgive. Isn't that backwards? Maybe we all need to make a conscious effort to treat our partner with the love, respect, admiration and tolerance that we want them to treat us with.
Friday, November 14, 2008
An Open Letter (directed to those who have overstepped their boundaries and a warning to those who plan to)
Dear You People Know Who You Are:
I find it funny that you claim to be my friend and only want what's best for me, but because you disagree with who I love you think that gives you the right to run your mouth.
You can write your blogs, you can send me the texts, you can send me the emails, you can talk behind my back...but it's not going to change my mind. See, I've changed and so has he. And frankly, I couldn't care less what anybody thinks about me, or him. Because I love him. And he loves me. And your petty little criticisms or biting comments only serve to prove to me that you aren't worthy of being in my life. Furthermore, I have many wonderful friends who are anxious to meet him and get to know him, because they know how important he is to me.
Want to talk about friendship? When I told my best friend that he and I are back together, I didn't hear one word of doubt come out of her mouth. All I heard was encouragement. When I call her and ask her for advice, she tells me what I can do different. She's happy because I'm happy. When I sent her some photos that he took of me, she was so impressed that she wanted to see more of his work. When I spoke to her last night and it was brought up, she complimented him again. I believe her exact words were "I can see what you see in him, and I'm happy for you."
He and I spent far too long letting other people's opinions and lies interfere in our relationship, and that's a big reason why we had so many problems in the past. The key words are "in the past". He and I will never make the mistake again of letting an outside person come into our relationship.
If you want to be in my life, you will accept him, or you don't accept me. It's as simple as that.
~J
I find it funny that you claim to be my friend and only want what's best for me, but because you disagree with who I love you think that gives you the right to run your mouth.
You can write your blogs, you can send me the texts, you can send me the emails, you can talk behind my back...but it's not going to change my mind. See, I've changed and so has he. And frankly, I couldn't care less what anybody thinks about me, or him. Because I love him. And he loves me. And your petty little criticisms or biting comments only serve to prove to me that you aren't worthy of being in my life. Furthermore, I have many wonderful friends who are anxious to meet him and get to know him, because they know how important he is to me.
Want to talk about friendship? When I told my best friend that he and I are back together, I didn't hear one word of doubt come out of her mouth. All I heard was encouragement. When I call her and ask her for advice, she tells me what I can do different. She's happy because I'm happy. When I sent her some photos that he took of me, she was so impressed that she wanted to see more of his work. When I spoke to her last night and it was brought up, she complimented him again. I believe her exact words were "I can see what you see in him, and I'm happy for you."
He and I spent far too long letting other people's opinions and lies interfere in our relationship, and that's a big reason why we had so many problems in the past. The key words are "in the past". He and I will never make the mistake again of letting an outside person come into our relationship.
If you want to be in my life, you will accept him, or you don't accept me. It's as simple as that.
~J
Monday, November 10, 2008
List of the Day - Why I'm Happy Today
With my surgery in exactly two weeks, I've become completely and totally stressed out...even more than I normally am. After a jam packed weekend of putting together furniture and scrubbing the baseboards, short tempered outbursts toward anyone who got in my way, and a meltdown on the phone with my BF last night, I decided this morning to focus on the things that make me happy so I don't drive everyone in my life crazy during the next two weeks.
1. Angel Girl brought her grades up. Good for her. That means that I won't find any F's on her report card this grading period.
2. T-Man was my helper all weekend. I drug him shopping Saturday and Sunday. We had furniture laid out on the floor much of the weekend, the living room was in disarray, and I had him helping me move furniture and hand me tools all weekend. He was a great sport, and a great helper.
3. My BF let me have a meltdown on the phone last night and didn't try to shut me up or force me to quit crying. I know I was being completely emotional. I know I'm freaking out and he knows I'm freaking out and when I freak out about one thing I freak out about everything. I'm grateful that he LISTENED to me.
4. I finally got to eat my leftover salmon for lunch. I know it's silly, but my BF cooked dinner for us the other night, and I've been looking forward to the leftovers ever since, and today I finally got to eat them. Yes, they were super yummy.
5. My attorneys are going to be taken care of the week that I'm out. This was a huge worry for me. All 3 of them really depend on me, and it seems like over the past four months they've been depending on me even more and giving me a lot more responsibility, and leaving them in the hands of someone else for a week has had me completely stressed out. I talk to one of the powers that be, and she gave me an extension for one of the deadlines for them until I'm back in the office. That's a huge thing because now they don't have to worry about someone else doing that project and complaining or screwing it up.
Ok, those are the 5 things that make me happy today. I'm still totally emotional and completely overwhelmed, but I get to see My Vics this weekend. In two weeks I'll have to rely on my BF and my friends, and that's going to be hard for me because I'm used to doing things my way, myself. But it'll be ok. Things will fall into place. Maybe I'll learn to relax and then won't be so high strung. Or at least I'll be able to enjoy the company of those that I love.
1. Angel Girl brought her grades up. Good for her. That means that I won't find any F's on her report card this grading period.
2. T-Man was my helper all weekend. I drug him shopping Saturday and Sunday. We had furniture laid out on the floor much of the weekend, the living room was in disarray, and I had him helping me move furniture and hand me tools all weekend. He was a great sport, and a great helper.
3. My BF let me have a meltdown on the phone last night and didn't try to shut me up or force me to quit crying. I know I was being completely emotional. I know I'm freaking out and he knows I'm freaking out and when I freak out about one thing I freak out about everything. I'm grateful that he LISTENED to me.
4. I finally got to eat my leftover salmon for lunch. I know it's silly, but my BF cooked dinner for us the other night, and I've been looking forward to the leftovers ever since, and today I finally got to eat them. Yes, they were super yummy.
5. My attorneys are going to be taken care of the week that I'm out. This was a huge worry for me. All 3 of them really depend on me, and it seems like over the past four months they've been depending on me even more and giving me a lot more responsibility, and leaving them in the hands of someone else for a week has had me completely stressed out. I talk to one of the powers that be, and she gave me an extension for one of the deadlines for them until I'm back in the office. That's a huge thing because now they don't have to worry about someone else doing that project and complaining or screwing it up.
Ok, those are the 5 things that make me happy today. I'm still totally emotional and completely overwhelmed, but I get to see My Vics this weekend. In two weeks I'll have to rely on my BF and my friends, and that's going to be hard for me because I'm used to doing things my way, myself. But it'll be ok. Things will fall into place. Maybe I'll learn to relax and then won't be so high strung. Or at least I'll be able to enjoy the company of those that I love.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
My voting experience
Today’s the day. I voted. Now, I haven’t voted in 8 years. If you know me, then you know WHY I haven’t voted in 8 years. But that’s a story for another day. The funny thing is, when I used to vote, 8 years ago and beyond, I was a Republican. Hee hee hee…I know, it’s funny!
First, some background. 8 ½ years ago when I got my driver's license changed to my married name, I was still in the accounting field. I had no reason to sign my name any other way but legibly. So let’s fast forward a bit to about 3 years ago, January of 2006. I had had it with suburban work life, I had had it with small minded suburbanites, I had had it with not being surrounded by culture, T-Man was going to start kindergarten that year, and I wanted to go back downtown. So I sent out my resume, immediately got contacted by a sole practioner attorney who was in the heart of the Loop. He also did strictly litigation, and I became his litigation paralegal. What a huge leap from an accounting clerk huh. Anyway, this attorney of mine did business one way and one way only: the best defense is a great offense. And go on the offense he did. I loved it. It was perfect. Unfortunately, opposing counsel oftentimes didn’t like his defensive offense, and his previous paralegals had their deps noticed up many times. Yea. I wasn’t going to have that happen to me, so I learned to sign my name very, ummm, illegibly. There was no way anyone was going to be able to figure out my name to notice up my dep. Not in this lifetime!
So…today. I go to vote. I get there at about 7:10, figuring oh the lines are never long, I’ll have plenty of time to stop at DD and still make my early train. Hee hee, I’m so silly! The line was out the door!!! And to make matters worse, they had three different precincts at my voting place! Luckily I got in the line closest to me, which happened to be the correct line for my precinct, because can you imagine the people who got in the wrong line and then had to wait in line twice? That would have sucked! And I saw that happen, too. I get up to the table and lady number one finds my sheet and has me sign my name. Well, because she had folded it I didn’t see that it had my signature already preprinted on the form, so I just signed my name the way I usually sign it…with a J and 2 loops. I get to lady number two, and she tells me that my signatures don’t match. Of course they don’t match, I haven’t had to resign my driver’s license in 8 years and that’s the signature they have for me on file! Then she asks for my driver’s license because my voter ID card wasn’t good enough, and she wanted to compare signatures. Well, the picture on my license is 8 years old. The signature is 8 years old. So it was just silly. And I was holding up the line. Anyway, that fiasco was momentarily taken care of. I say momentarily because mark my words, if there is an election dispute, I can practically guarantee that my name will get lumped as one of the ballots being disputed (trust me, I used to do election law, we’ve disputed many elections and I know the process). Blah.
Well, at least I voted. Oh, and what’s cool, I knew the names of the Judges on the ballot and I actually was an informed voter when I made my choice on whether to keep them or not. That was pretty cool. It was also pretty cool to see that Senator Donne E. Trotter was up for reelection. He’s friends with one of my best friends, Cindi Pallick so I had to pleasure of meeting him a few times.
And that’s that. Pam is running for mayor next year, but I don’t live in that town so I won’t be voting. I’m also to busy nowadays to work on any campaigns anymore. Besides, I left politics behind three years ago, and don’t really have the desire to get involved anymore beyond going to fundraisers when I have a chance.
So….happy election day!
First, some background. 8 ½ years ago when I got my driver's license changed to my married name, I was still in the accounting field. I had no reason to sign my name any other way but legibly. So let’s fast forward a bit to about 3 years ago, January of 2006. I had had it with suburban work life, I had had it with small minded suburbanites, I had had it with not being surrounded by culture, T-Man was going to start kindergarten that year, and I wanted to go back downtown. So I sent out my resume, immediately got contacted by a sole practioner attorney who was in the heart of the Loop. He also did strictly litigation, and I became his litigation paralegal. What a huge leap from an accounting clerk huh. Anyway, this attorney of mine did business one way and one way only: the best defense is a great offense. And go on the offense he did. I loved it. It was perfect. Unfortunately, opposing counsel oftentimes didn’t like his defensive offense, and his previous paralegals had their deps noticed up many times. Yea. I wasn’t going to have that happen to me, so I learned to sign my name very, ummm, illegibly. There was no way anyone was going to be able to figure out my name to notice up my dep. Not in this lifetime!
So…today. I go to vote. I get there at about 7:10, figuring oh the lines are never long, I’ll have plenty of time to stop at DD and still make my early train. Hee hee, I’m so silly! The line was out the door!!! And to make matters worse, they had three different precincts at my voting place! Luckily I got in the line closest to me, which happened to be the correct line for my precinct, because can you imagine the people who got in the wrong line and then had to wait in line twice? That would have sucked! And I saw that happen, too. I get up to the table and lady number one finds my sheet and has me sign my name. Well, because she had folded it I didn’t see that it had my signature already preprinted on the form, so I just signed my name the way I usually sign it…with a J and 2 loops. I get to lady number two, and she tells me that my signatures don’t match. Of course they don’t match, I haven’t had to resign my driver’s license in 8 years and that’s the signature they have for me on file! Then she asks for my driver’s license because my voter ID card wasn’t good enough, and she wanted to compare signatures. Well, the picture on my license is 8 years old. The signature is 8 years old. So it was just silly. And I was holding up the line. Anyway, that fiasco was momentarily taken care of. I say momentarily because mark my words, if there is an election dispute, I can practically guarantee that my name will get lumped as one of the ballots being disputed (trust me, I used to do election law, we’ve disputed many elections and I know the process). Blah.
Well, at least I voted. Oh, and what’s cool, I knew the names of the Judges on the ballot and I actually was an informed voter when I made my choice on whether to keep them or not. That was pretty cool. It was also pretty cool to see that Senator Donne E. Trotter was up for reelection. He’s friends with one of my best friends, Cindi Pallick so I had to pleasure of meeting him a few times.
And that’s that. Pam is running for mayor next year, but I don’t live in that town so I won’t be voting. I’m also to busy nowadays to work on any campaigns anymore. Besides, I left politics behind three years ago, and don’t really have the desire to get involved anymore beyond going to fundraisers when I have a chance.
So….happy election day!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Another Random Friday
I can't wait for this election to be over. I'm sick of opening up my Reader and finding about 200 blogs all written about the candidates. I'm sick of hearing people who claim they aren't racist bash Barack Obama in a back-handed racist manner (i.e. ...well, if Barack wins all the black people will riot). I'm sick of hearing people talk about abortion. I'm sick of being talked down to, or insulted, because I say that the government or the Church shouldn't have the right to tell us what to do with our bodies (i.e. ...oh, that's such a liberal statement). I just want to vote, find out who the president is going to be, and then get on with my life.
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Speaking of politics, which I hate, Pam Cap is having her Halloween Costume Party tonight. I'm so excited! I love playing dress up! Oh, and Barrack Obama will be right down the street from my house tonight for a rally. I have to tell you, once I found that out it was a huge dilemma for me to decide if I wanted to go to the costume party or experience this once in a lifetime opportunity. I chose the costume party, but I'm debating stopping off there before I go. We'll see.
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I wonder if it's possible to have physical withdrawal from an emotional addiction. Sunday I gave something up, and ever since Monday I've been feeling out of sorts. I walk around with anxiety in my stomach, it's hard to breathe, I can't sleep, I'm not sad but I feel so listless. It's actually very reminiscent of all the times I quit smoking, only without the crabbiness.
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Two more weeks and I'm flying to St. Louis to spend the weekend with my best friend. Oh I can't wait. I can't believe I haven't been down to see her in so many months. I'm planning on doing one or two photo shoots while I'm there and she'll will be coming with me, so that's awesome. The only thing that I'm kind of bummed about is that Mike will be out of town that weekend so I won't get to spend any time him. I suppose that's a good thing, though. If he were in town, I'd spend every night with him and miss out on the silly drunken pajama dancing that My Vics and I are known for!
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My final pre-surgery appointment with the plastic surgeon is on Thursday. I just transferred the balance of what I owe him into my checking account. I got my hoop taken out of my cartilage and replaced with a barbell so I can easily remove it prior to surgery. I've made the list of people for Carla to call once I come out of surgery. As much as I've talked about it and as much as I've scheduled around it, it is finally becoming real to me. I'm starting to get nervous, too. I'm sure everything will be wonderful, it's just becoming very real to me that I'm doing this all on my own, with no boyfriend or husband, and that is weird to me. Old habits and thought patterns die hard I guess.
Happy Halloween everybody!
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Speaking of politics, which I hate, Pam Cap is having her Halloween Costume Party tonight. I'm so excited! I love playing dress up! Oh, and Barrack Obama will be right down the street from my house tonight for a rally. I have to tell you, once I found that out it was a huge dilemma for me to decide if I wanted to go to the costume party or experience this once in a lifetime opportunity. I chose the costume party, but I'm debating stopping off there before I go. We'll see.
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I wonder if it's possible to have physical withdrawal from an emotional addiction. Sunday I gave something up, and ever since Monday I've been feeling out of sorts. I walk around with anxiety in my stomach, it's hard to breathe, I can't sleep, I'm not sad but I feel so listless. It's actually very reminiscent of all the times I quit smoking, only without the crabbiness.
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Two more weeks and I'm flying to St. Louis to spend the weekend with my best friend. Oh I can't wait. I can't believe I haven't been down to see her in so many months. I'm planning on doing one or two photo shoots while I'm there and she'll will be coming with me, so that's awesome. The only thing that I'm kind of bummed about is that Mike will be out of town that weekend so I won't get to spend any time him. I suppose that's a good thing, though. If he were in town, I'd spend every night with him and miss out on the silly drunken pajama dancing that My Vics and I are known for!
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My final pre-surgery appointment with the plastic surgeon is on Thursday. I just transferred the balance of what I owe him into my checking account. I got my hoop taken out of my cartilage and replaced with a barbell so I can easily remove it prior to surgery. I've made the list of people for Carla to call once I come out of surgery. As much as I've talked about it and as much as I've scheduled around it, it is finally becoming real to me. I'm starting to get nervous, too. I'm sure everything will be wonderful, it's just becoming very real to me that I'm doing this all on my own, with no boyfriend or husband, and that is weird to me. Old habits and thought patterns die hard I guess.
Happy Halloween everybody!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
What do you do when you don’t believe in anything?
I used to believe in the God of the Bible. I wasn’t a Bible thumper (fundamentalist), but I was peaceful. I had faith. I BELIEVED in something. My faith didn’t waiver, and I knew that whatever I was faced with, God would bring me through. I didn’t believe in coincidence. I believed that every person that was in my life was there for a reason. I believed that everything that happened in my life happened for a reason. I was filled with love and I was filled with faith, and I was happy.
And then I stopped believing…in anything. I stopped believing in God. I lost my faith in anything and everything. And I certainly didn’t believe in the healing power of love anymore. And right now, I’m so disgusted with people who talk about God, people who talk about love, people who talk about having faith, I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.
I got into it with a crazy woman the other night. She’s sitting there screaming at me in front of my 8-year-old son, hurling insults and false accusations and throwing the topic that she needs to keep out of her mouth in my face…this all came about because I hung up on her because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say….I’m sitting there, very calmly, on the phone with her son saying “your mother’s drunk again…she won’t close my car door and if I start to drive she’ll accuse me of trying to run her over….she won’t be quiet…T-man is right here….”. The woman wouldn’t stop. I mean, it got to where I finally had to take my i-pod and put the headphones in T-man’s ears so he wouldn’t hear her insane rants. And the best part? She looks at me and says…”God is going to punish you.” I couldn’t help myself, I burst out laughing. She thinks she has a “get out of hell” card and so that gives her the right to act like a maniac, and then tell ME that God is going to punish me? Well, thank goodness I don’t believe in HER God.
I used to have FAITH. I used to believe in LOVE. I used to believe in GOD. When someone says they LOVE you and then turns around and acts like a devil, how is that love? When it happens over and over and over again, how can you have FAITH? And when the GOD that you grew up believing in and loving just bails on you….in addition to all the nutcases that bomb abortion clinics or crash into buildings or tell you you’re going to burn in hell because you’re not like them…all in the name of God or Allah or whatever the hell they want to call him, well, can anyone blame me for not believing in God anymore?
Remember when you were a little kid and were learning about the rapture in Sunday School and seeing the movies about the rapture during Sunday night services? Did you ever come home and your parents weren’t home and your brother was gone….and get scared half to death thinking that the rapture happened and you weren’t taken? It’s pretty fucked up when one has to use threats and intimidation to get others to join them, and it’s especially fucked up when it’s directed toward children.
So now that I no longer believe in God or have faith (in anything) or believe in the power of love, what do I do?
And then I stopped believing…in anything. I stopped believing in God. I lost my faith in anything and everything. And I certainly didn’t believe in the healing power of love anymore. And right now, I’m so disgusted with people who talk about God, people who talk about love, people who talk about having faith, I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.
I got into it with a crazy woman the other night. She’s sitting there screaming at me in front of my 8-year-old son, hurling insults and false accusations and throwing the topic that she needs to keep out of her mouth in my face…this all came about because I hung up on her because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say….I’m sitting there, very calmly, on the phone with her son saying “your mother’s drunk again…she won’t close my car door and if I start to drive she’ll accuse me of trying to run her over….she won’t be quiet…T-man is right here….”. The woman wouldn’t stop. I mean, it got to where I finally had to take my i-pod and put the headphones in T-man’s ears so he wouldn’t hear her insane rants. And the best part? She looks at me and says…”God is going to punish you.” I couldn’t help myself, I burst out laughing. She thinks she has a “get out of hell” card and so that gives her the right to act like a maniac, and then tell ME that God is going to punish me? Well, thank goodness I don’t believe in HER God.
I used to have FAITH. I used to believe in LOVE. I used to believe in GOD. When someone says they LOVE you and then turns around and acts like a devil, how is that love? When it happens over and over and over again, how can you have FAITH? And when the GOD that you grew up believing in and loving just bails on you….in addition to all the nutcases that bomb abortion clinics or crash into buildings or tell you you’re going to burn in hell because you’re not like them…all in the name of God or Allah or whatever the hell they want to call him, well, can anyone blame me for not believing in God anymore?
Remember when you were a little kid and were learning about the rapture in Sunday School and seeing the movies about the rapture during Sunday night services? Did you ever come home and your parents weren’t home and your brother was gone….and get scared half to death thinking that the rapture happened and you weren’t taken? It’s pretty fucked up when one has to use threats and intimidation to get others to join them, and it’s especially fucked up when it’s directed toward children.
So now that I no longer believe in God or have faith (in anything) or believe in the power of love, what do I do?
Friday, October 24, 2008
Status of My Journey….Day Two
I often embark on these paths of self-improvement. I think it’s important to take an inventory of yourself and see what you can improve on. We’re constantly changing and what may have worked for us in the past may not work for us now. I can quite honestly say that this journey that I’ve begun is one that has me pretty scared. I’m afraid not only of failing, but I’m afraid that I’m going to give away my power yet again. Part of me is afraid that I’m going to lose myself and turn into a woman that the One I love isn’t going to want (ha, how’s that going to be different than now, right). Most importantly, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find balance. I’m a bit manic (i.e. totally intense), and happy mediums aren’t something that I’m familiar with. I’m usually at one extreme or the other. So this is really going to be tough in a lot of ways, but I’m not one who lets fear hold her back.
My inspiration for this journey is the One that I love. While he is not my reason for the change in myself that I’m trying to bring about, he is my inspiration. Since the Breakup, I’ve kept myself insanely busy with my kids, my career, my friends, photoshoots and the gym. For some reason I could not fall asleep the other night, and once I finally did, I was, as is usual, tortured with dreams of Him. I woke up at around 2 a.m. and laid awake for 3 hours, tossing and turning in my bed and in my mind. That night I was more tortured than usual, as an image of his face from something I said to him while we were in Pittsburgh, almost two years ago, kept replaying through my mind. I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the image in my brain or if it was just the moment that I finally learned this particular lesson that the Universe had been trying to teach me, but that’s when I decided I can’t do it like that anymore.
Last night I was talking to the Angel Girl, mom to not-a-girl-but-not-yet-a-woman, and I explained to her where I’m at, the decision that I made, and how badly I hurt the One that I love. I told her how it started all those years ago, when my visions of fairytales and happily after evers were interrupted by a cheating boyfriend, and that since that time, when I was not too much older than she is now, I learned to hate males and to do what it takes to protect myself. I told her about the One that I love, and shared some things that she didn’t know. I think it’s important to say that she no longer looks at him as a monster who hurt her mom beyond repair, and while I didn’t excuse any of the things that he and I put each other through this past year, I did make it clear how badly I hurt the One who only wanted to love me in the beginning. I sat there with tears in my eyes, telling her how I don’t want her to wait until she’s 33 to learn this lesson, and that she needs to try so hard not to lump all males into the same box, and to look at each person as an individual, and not to punish all future males because of the hurt that was caused by one in her past. I very honestly told her how I’m learning to change because it’s what I need to do for me, but also that I have hopes of winning the love of the One that I love back, and to somehow gain his forgiveness and TRUST again.
Life still goes on, you know, and looking at me no one would know what goes on in my head. One could think that I’m pretty shallow, but when I think, I think deeply. When I feel, I feel strongly. And while I’m hoping that it’s not too late to save and reignite the most beautiful love that He and I have ever known, whatever happens I’m going to stop hating, and hurting, men.
My inspiration for this journey is the One that I love. While he is not my reason for the change in myself that I’m trying to bring about, he is my inspiration. Since the Breakup, I’ve kept myself insanely busy with my kids, my career, my friends, photoshoots and the gym. For some reason I could not fall asleep the other night, and once I finally did, I was, as is usual, tortured with dreams of Him. I woke up at around 2 a.m. and laid awake for 3 hours, tossing and turning in my bed and in my mind. That night I was more tortured than usual, as an image of his face from something I said to him while we were in Pittsburgh, almost two years ago, kept replaying through my mind. I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the image in my brain or if it was just the moment that I finally learned this particular lesson that the Universe had been trying to teach me, but that’s when I decided I can’t do it like that anymore.
Last night I was talking to the Angel Girl, mom to not-a-girl-but-not-yet-a-woman, and I explained to her where I’m at, the decision that I made, and how badly I hurt the One that I love. I told her how it started all those years ago, when my visions of fairytales and happily after evers were interrupted by a cheating boyfriend, and that since that time, when I was not too much older than she is now, I learned to hate males and to do what it takes to protect myself. I told her about the One that I love, and shared some things that she didn’t know. I think it’s important to say that she no longer looks at him as a monster who hurt her mom beyond repair, and while I didn’t excuse any of the things that he and I put each other through this past year, I did make it clear how badly I hurt the One who only wanted to love me in the beginning. I sat there with tears in my eyes, telling her how I don’t want her to wait until she’s 33 to learn this lesson, and that she needs to try so hard not to lump all males into the same box, and to look at each person as an individual, and not to punish all future males because of the hurt that was caused by one in her past. I very honestly told her how I’m learning to change because it’s what I need to do for me, but also that I have hopes of winning the love of the One that I love back, and to somehow gain his forgiveness and TRUST again.
Life still goes on, you know, and looking at me no one would know what goes on in my head. One could think that I’m pretty shallow, but when I think, I think deeply. When I feel, I feel strongly. And while I’m hoping that it’s not too late to save and reignite the most beautiful love that He and I have ever known, whatever happens I’m going to stop hating, and hurting, men.
Totally Random Friday
It’s raining. I was in such a peaceful happy mood this morning…I thought it would be nice to be kissed in the rain. Didn’t happen this morning, but maybe sometime soon as our rainy season is here.
The Angel Girl brought here grades up and is no longer suspended from cheerleading. Yay for her…I’m totally proud of her. Of course, she is STILL grounded…
T-Man is a riot. Last night the Angel Girl and I were sitting on the couch sharing a can of frosting, but we didn’t want to share with T-Man, so every time he walked in the room we put pillows in from of our faces and started giggling. He started giggling too and the Angel Girl said, in typical big sister fashion “You don’t even know what we’re laughing about.” His reply? “Uh huh….FROSTING!!!” Of course, that just made the Angel Girl and I completely dissolve into laughter.
I’ve been collaborating with a photog and I can say that this is one shoot where my artistic side is completely coming out. I was perusing the works of Helmut Newton (link is NOT work safe) one day and was inspired…it just so happens that this photog that I’m collaborating with is totally getting my vision..so I’m excited!
It’s Friday. I’m thinking of doing the pumpkin patch tomorrow…I failed last year as mommy in that regard, and T-Man isn’t going to be that into stuff like that for too many more years….now to find one that’s cool and easily accessible!
That’s it…my randomness for the day. Happy Friday everyone ;-)
The Angel Girl brought here grades up and is no longer suspended from cheerleading. Yay for her…I’m totally proud of her. Of course, she is STILL grounded…
T-Man is a riot. Last night the Angel Girl and I were sitting on the couch sharing a can of frosting, but we didn’t want to share with T-Man, so every time he walked in the room we put pillows in from of our faces and started giggling. He started giggling too and the Angel Girl said, in typical big sister fashion “You don’t even know what we’re laughing about.” His reply? “Uh huh….FROSTING!!!” Of course, that just made the Angel Girl and I completely dissolve into laughter.
I’ve been collaborating with a photog and I can say that this is one shoot where my artistic side is completely coming out. I was perusing the works of Helmut Newton (link is NOT work safe) one day and was inspired…it just so happens that this photog that I’m collaborating with is totally getting my vision..so I’m excited!
It’s Friday. I’m thinking of doing the pumpkin patch tomorrow…I failed last year as mommy in that regard, and T-Man isn’t going to be that into stuff like that for too many more years….now to find one that’s cool and easily accessible!
That’s it…my randomness for the day. Happy Friday everyone ;-)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I am a vampire
I read this blog today and it brought tears to my eyes. See, I recognized myself in this woman, but unlike her, whenever someone tried to tell me about it, I tuned them out. Because of it, I turned my prince into a frog, and he looks at me like I’m a vampire.
I grew up learning the lesson of “everyone you love will leave you, so leave them first”. Oh and I learned that lesson well. We can delve into my psyche and say that I had abandonment issues because my parents got divorced or my mom kicked me out or whatever, but as an adult I have to say that what began as a defense mechanism while I was young has turned into I’m just a fucking bitch now that I’m older.
I had my prince. He was the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and regardless of what has happened between us, he is still the most amazing man I’ve met. All he wanted to do was love me, and that scared the hell out of me. So I pushed him away. Literally. I didn’t want anything from him. I would tell him regularly that I chose to be with him, and basically that he wasn’t shit and he should be honored that I was with him. Oh I was a bitch. I’ll even go so far as to say I was THE “C” WORD to this man. Want to talk about damage? I damaged this man. I would complain about someone I know who would emasculate her man, but I was doing the same thing to my man. Can I blame him for having had enough and turning the tides on me?
The awakening that I had wasn’t like a slap in the head, it was more of a gradual realization of the way that I treat men. Funny, I’ve never had a problem attracting a man. But when we’re done, I’ve usually ended up hurting them so badly that they hate me. I ran into one of my exes a couple weeks ago at the bar. We were sitting there talking and he was telling me all about his girlfriend and what’s going on in his life, and during a pause in the conversation, I looked at him and said “I’m sorry for what I put you through”. A little while later he came up to me and said “for what it’s worth, thank you for apologizing”. I think that was when this self-realization of what a man-hater I had become really started.
Look, life doesn’t have to be this way. I am still in love with my ex, unconditionally. We’ve hurt each other so badly and so much damage has been done to us, by us, that I have no idea if we can even get past it. To be honest, part of me wants to and the other part of me is too afraid to. Because if I have to stop being a man-hater, and I have to start embracing my femininity, then that means that I’m giving up some control and leaving things to the Universe. And that scares the hell out of me. But I can’t go on punishing men because my parents got divorced. I can’t go pushing them away trying to make them leave me just so I can say AHA. I don’t always have to be right and I don’t always have to have the last word (and oh gawd is that a HUGE thing for me).
And so, for me, the journey begins today.
I grew up learning the lesson of “everyone you love will leave you, so leave them first”. Oh and I learned that lesson well. We can delve into my psyche and say that I had abandonment issues because my parents got divorced or my mom kicked me out or whatever, but as an adult I have to say that what began as a defense mechanism while I was young has turned into I’m just a fucking bitch now that I’m older.
I had my prince. He was the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and regardless of what has happened between us, he is still the most amazing man I’ve met. All he wanted to do was love me, and that scared the hell out of me. So I pushed him away. Literally. I didn’t want anything from him. I would tell him regularly that I chose to be with him, and basically that he wasn’t shit and he should be honored that I was with him. Oh I was a bitch. I’ll even go so far as to say I was THE “C” WORD to this man. Want to talk about damage? I damaged this man. I would complain about someone I know who would emasculate her man, but I was doing the same thing to my man. Can I blame him for having had enough and turning the tides on me?
The awakening that I had wasn’t like a slap in the head, it was more of a gradual realization of the way that I treat men. Funny, I’ve never had a problem attracting a man. But when we’re done, I’ve usually ended up hurting them so badly that they hate me. I ran into one of my exes a couple weeks ago at the bar. We were sitting there talking and he was telling me all about his girlfriend and what’s going on in his life, and during a pause in the conversation, I looked at him and said “I’m sorry for what I put you through”. A little while later he came up to me and said “for what it’s worth, thank you for apologizing”. I think that was when this self-realization of what a man-hater I had become really started.
Look, life doesn’t have to be this way. I am still in love with my ex, unconditionally. We’ve hurt each other so badly and so much damage has been done to us, by us, that I have no idea if we can even get past it. To be honest, part of me wants to and the other part of me is too afraid to. Because if I have to stop being a man-hater, and I have to start embracing my femininity, then that means that I’m giving up some control and leaving things to the Universe. And that scares the hell out of me. But I can’t go on punishing men because my parents got divorced. I can’t go pushing them away trying to make them leave me just so I can say AHA. I don’t always have to be right and I don’t always have to have the last word (and oh gawd is that a HUGE thing for me).
And so, for me, the journey begins today.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Song of the Day - Human (The Killers)
I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes
Clear your heart...
Cut the cord
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
You got to let me know
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human
Or are we dancer?
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Are we human
Or are we dancer?
Questions running through my mind…randomized
1. Why is it that when a woman tells a man how she feels, he accuses her of being psycho? Do they think that will stop us from telling them how we feel? Or does it make them feel better to attack our mental health when we call them on the carpet for something?
2. Why is it that when a homeless person asks you for money so they can buy food, and you tell them you don’t have any money but you’ll gladly share your food with them, they ask you what kind of food you have and if it’s something they don’t like they turn it down? If someone is starving, wouldn’t they be grateful for any type of nourishment they can get?
3. Why is it that people get on an uncrowded elevator, push the button for one of the top floors, and then stand in the middle by the front? Why can’t they move to the back if their stop is last? Or why can’t they get off the elevator so the people needing to get off don’t miss their floor? And why do they look at you like you’re crazy when you say excuse me please?
4. How can someone love another so deeply and then decide that they give up and don’t want to work on repairing whatever part of the relationship needs repaired? Does that mean that they never loved the person to begin with? Don’t relationships take work no matter how much the people love each other?
5. Why would a woman say to a man “I love you with my head”? Does that mean that she doesn’t love him with her heart? Is it possible to love someone with your head and not your heart?
6. Why do men shower a woman with compliments and attention and affection, and then she sleeps with him and he tells her he just wants to be friends or ignores her? Don’t men realize that if they’re honest with a woman and tell them beforehand what they want, they’re more likely to reap better benefits?
7. Why are women so catty to each other? Why do we compete with each other? Why can’t we respect the sisterhood? Why do we say we respect other women but then in the next breath say something demeaning about another woman?
8. Why is there no happy medium when it comes to sexuality? Why is it that people are either completely repressed, or completely flamboyant and deviant? Can’t people just have a healthy sex life without being creepy about it?
9. Why do people try to put a time limit on healing from a broken heart? How can they sit there and say that someone should be over it by now and dating someone else?
10. Why are we the cruelest to the people that we love? Don’t we understand that criticism and mean words and indifference hurts those we love more than anything else?
2. Why is it that when a homeless person asks you for money so they can buy food, and you tell them you don’t have any money but you’ll gladly share your food with them, they ask you what kind of food you have and if it’s something they don’t like they turn it down? If someone is starving, wouldn’t they be grateful for any type of nourishment they can get?
3. Why is it that people get on an uncrowded elevator, push the button for one of the top floors, and then stand in the middle by the front? Why can’t they move to the back if their stop is last? Or why can’t they get off the elevator so the people needing to get off don’t miss their floor? And why do they look at you like you’re crazy when you say excuse me please?
4. How can someone love another so deeply and then decide that they give up and don’t want to work on repairing whatever part of the relationship needs repaired? Does that mean that they never loved the person to begin with? Don’t relationships take work no matter how much the people love each other?
5. Why would a woman say to a man “I love you with my head”? Does that mean that she doesn’t love him with her heart? Is it possible to love someone with your head and not your heart?
6. Why do men shower a woman with compliments and attention and affection, and then she sleeps with him and he tells her he just wants to be friends or ignores her? Don’t men realize that if they’re honest with a woman and tell them beforehand what they want, they’re more likely to reap better benefits?
7. Why are women so catty to each other? Why do we compete with each other? Why can’t we respect the sisterhood? Why do we say we respect other women but then in the next breath say something demeaning about another woman?
8. Why is there no happy medium when it comes to sexuality? Why is it that people are either completely repressed, or completely flamboyant and deviant? Can’t people just have a healthy sex life without being creepy about it?
9. Why do people try to put a time limit on healing from a broken heart? How can they sit there and say that someone should be over it by now and dating someone else?
10. Why are we the cruelest to the people that we love? Don’t we understand that criticism and mean words and indifference hurts those we love more than anything else?
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
and Nickelback does it again....
Will this one have meaning for us too?
Gotta Be Someobody
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
We'll play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with
`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
You can´t give up!
When you're lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.
Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.
Gotta Be Someobody
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
We'll play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with
`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
You can´t give up!
When you're lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.
Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A little bit of everything…including my “why I’m afraid to date” rant
It’s funny how since The Breakup I’ve been keeping myself insanely busy. At first it was because I had stopped doing the things I wanted to do, and when I suddenly found myself with a whole bunch of free time, I went a bit buck-wild. After the first couple weeks the numbness wore off and I continued to stay busy in order to not think of Him or feel the pain. We’ve been broken up for two months, and tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of when I sold my soul to the devil, and as I sit here reflecting on the different feelings I have regarding the situation, I think it’s time I stop running and just deal with it.
After two months of out of sight, I spent the other night with Him. Foolish? No. I think it was what I needed to do. Of course, ask any one of my boys (and a couple of my gf’s) and they will say I’m an idiot. But who listens to them anyway…I’m a stubborn Irish lass with a mind of her own! Sometimes I sit back and take note of all the things going on in my life right now, and I realize I’m not the same woman who fell in love with Him. The other night made me realize…Christ almighty…I can let Him go. We don’t work. And it’s not because we don’t want to work. Of course we love one another. Of course we feel comfortable with one another. Of course we have amazing, err, conversations with one another. But Him and I, we come from different worlds. So in my own gentle way, I told him goodbye yesterday.
But oh goodness I really don’t want to date. I mean, I DO want to date, but I honestly hate the process. It’s fun getting to know a person, but what sucks is weeding out the losers. Sucks sucks sucks. I know I am a difficult person to be in a relationship with. I mean, I seriously am so full of contradictions that it will take a VERY strong man to be with me. For instance…..I’m a tree hugging do-gooder liberal feminist. I’m also a label whore. I model nude. I love shoes and shopping. I like to wear wild eyeshadow colors. I don't have a specific genre of dress because I like to wear everything...and nothing. Sometimes I want to hit the bars, sometimes I want to stay home. I love football. I love to cook. I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Wiccan…I take a little bit from everything and apply it to my life…essentially I’m the creator of my own spiritual path. I read Tarot cards. I shop at the Christian bookstore and at the Occult Bookstore. I love all things Celtic. I want to travel. I want to be rich. I don’t pay too much attention to politics, but damn you if you’re going to tell me what to do to my body or with my life I’ll fight you to the death. I’m loyal…get it…I DON’T CHEAT. But if you cheat on me, or are suspected of cheating on me, or are accused of cheating on me….I’ll never forgive you…or forget. I’m emotional always and rarely logical or rational. I live my life based on my feelings or emotions or intuition. I truly march to the beat of my own drum. And most men can’t handle me. They fall in love with my vivacious personality and my free spirit, and then they get insecure and try to control me.
So why am I afraid to date? Because I lead with my heart. I want to be jaded and have up my defenses and guards and walls, but it goes against my nature so I can’t. And I just don’t want to get hurt or have my spirit crushed. I don’t want someone to say fuck you to me or call me a cunt or laugh at me because I say I’m going to take ballet lessons. I don’t want someone to criticize me or manipulate me into feeling insecure or look at me like I’m stupid because I don’t understand the economy or really care to. When I say I want to pay off my debt and retire to Ireland and grow/raise my own food, I don’t want to be laughed at. Encourage me. Support me. I don’t care if you agree with me, just don’t try and crush my dreams because they don’t coincide with yours.
And for those reasons…I believe that I will stay single for a very very long time. I have my boys. I have my girlfriends. I have my kids. I have my hobbies and my career and my own money and, honestly, if I want sex, well….as my girlfriend said to me…I’m a grown woman and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do what I want….
It’s my life…ya know? This is me…this is who I am….and as I embrace myself…I say fuck you if you don’t like me…you don’t need to be in my life.
After two months of out of sight, I spent the other night with Him. Foolish? No. I think it was what I needed to do. Of course, ask any one of my boys (and a couple of my gf’s) and they will say I’m an idiot. But who listens to them anyway…I’m a stubborn Irish lass with a mind of her own! Sometimes I sit back and take note of all the things going on in my life right now, and I realize I’m not the same woman who fell in love with Him. The other night made me realize…Christ almighty…I can let Him go. We don’t work. And it’s not because we don’t want to work. Of course we love one another. Of course we feel comfortable with one another. Of course we have amazing, err, conversations with one another. But Him and I, we come from different worlds. So in my own gentle way, I told him goodbye yesterday.
But oh goodness I really don’t want to date. I mean, I DO want to date, but I honestly hate the process. It’s fun getting to know a person, but what sucks is weeding out the losers. Sucks sucks sucks. I know I am a difficult person to be in a relationship with. I mean, I seriously am so full of contradictions that it will take a VERY strong man to be with me. For instance…..I’m a tree hugging do-gooder liberal feminist. I’m also a label whore. I model nude. I love shoes and shopping. I like to wear wild eyeshadow colors. I don't have a specific genre of dress because I like to wear everything...and nothing. Sometimes I want to hit the bars, sometimes I want to stay home. I love football. I love to cook. I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Wiccan…I take a little bit from everything and apply it to my life…essentially I’m the creator of my own spiritual path. I read Tarot cards. I shop at the Christian bookstore and at the Occult Bookstore. I love all things Celtic. I want to travel. I want to be rich. I don’t pay too much attention to politics, but damn you if you’re going to tell me what to do to my body or with my life I’ll fight you to the death. I’m loyal…get it…I DON’T CHEAT. But if you cheat on me, or are suspected of cheating on me, or are accused of cheating on me….I’ll never forgive you…or forget. I’m emotional always and rarely logical or rational. I live my life based on my feelings or emotions or intuition. I truly march to the beat of my own drum. And most men can’t handle me. They fall in love with my vivacious personality and my free spirit, and then they get insecure and try to control me.
So why am I afraid to date? Because I lead with my heart. I want to be jaded and have up my defenses and guards and walls, but it goes against my nature so I can’t. And I just don’t want to get hurt or have my spirit crushed. I don’t want someone to say fuck you to me or call me a cunt or laugh at me because I say I’m going to take ballet lessons. I don’t want someone to criticize me or manipulate me into feeling insecure or look at me like I’m stupid because I don’t understand the economy or really care to. When I say I want to pay off my debt and retire to Ireland and grow/raise my own food, I don’t want to be laughed at. Encourage me. Support me. I don’t care if you agree with me, just don’t try and crush my dreams because they don’t coincide with yours.
And for those reasons…I believe that I will stay single for a very very long time. I have my boys. I have my girlfriends. I have my kids. I have my hobbies and my career and my own money and, honestly, if I want sex, well….as my girlfriend said to me…I’m a grown woman and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do what I want….
It’s my life…ya know? This is me…this is who I am….and as I embrace myself…I say fuck you if you don’t like me…you don’t need to be in my life.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
List of the Day....things I'm looking forward to!
Wow. My life has gotten incredibly busy. Yay for me. I have so many fun things coming up...and I'm totally excited about them! So goes my "I'm happy here's my list for Thursday":
1. Fright Fest with Bill on Friday night. Oh yay. I seriously cannot wait for this. Great America. Haunted houses. Roller coasters. Leaving work early. A fun night out with a great friend.
2. Photo shoot Saturday afternoon. I've been looking forward to this one for a while now. Initially we were going to be in the historical district, but that fell through, so now we'll be shooting on location. And of course it's a haunted location. I HEART HAUNTED CHICAGO!!!!
3. Photo shoot Saturday night. I heart black and white fine art. Enough said.
4. Football Sunday. Finally. It's cold out. Fall has come to Chicago. And I get to watch 3 football games on Sundays. I swear, October, November and December are the best months of the year. I'm so incredibly happy.
5. Monday night football. So Dan and I found a new bar. I love it. Cheap drinks, good food, and close to home. Oh, and there's football. Did I mention that?
6. Girls' nite out. Shel and I have decided that we're going to do our girls' nite twice a month. One night we'll be bums and just head to the show, and the other night we'll get all girly and have a super-fab night out. Yay for girl friends!
7. A kindred spirit. Speaking of girl friends, finally I've met someone who is just as open-minded as me when it comes to spirituality. That means we have a field trip to the Occult Bookstore in the works...and the day wouldn't be complete without dinner at my favorite Irish pub. Yay for great friends!
8. Halloween. So I bought my tickets to the 1st annual fundraiser...while I'm trying to convince Bill he needs to wear a costume, I found the perfect costume for me...and I'm so excited!!!
9. Boobies. Yeppers...in less than two months I'll have new boobs. Yay for all the new clothes I get to buy!!!
10. Travel. Carla and I are going to Minnesota in March and I'll be heading to NYC in the summer. Bill wants to go to Michigan for a weekend and Christopher and I and whoever else wants to go will be heading to a special little place in the summer...I can't wait!
Life is good. I'm happy. I've found myself. I'm finally living my life.
Yay for me!!!!
1. Fright Fest with Bill on Friday night. Oh yay. I seriously cannot wait for this. Great America. Haunted houses. Roller coasters. Leaving work early. A fun night out with a great friend.
2. Photo shoot Saturday afternoon. I've been looking forward to this one for a while now. Initially we were going to be in the historical district, but that fell through, so now we'll be shooting on location. And of course it's a haunted location. I HEART HAUNTED CHICAGO!!!!
3. Photo shoot Saturday night. I heart black and white fine art. Enough said.
4. Football Sunday. Finally. It's cold out. Fall has come to Chicago. And I get to watch 3 football games on Sundays. I swear, October, November and December are the best months of the year. I'm so incredibly happy.
5. Monday night football. So Dan and I found a new bar. I love it. Cheap drinks, good food, and close to home. Oh, and there's football. Did I mention that?
6. Girls' nite out. Shel and I have decided that we're going to do our girls' nite twice a month. One night we'll be bums and just head to the show, and the other night we'll get all girly and have a super-fab night out. Yay for girl friends!
7. A kindred spirit. Speaking of girl friends, finally I've met someone who is just as open-minded as me when it comes to spirituality. That means we have a field trip to the Occult Bookstore in the works...and the day wouldn't be complete without dinner at my favorite Irish pub. Yay for great friends!
8. Halloween. So I bought my tickets to the 1st annual fundraiser...while I'm trying to convince Bill he needs to wear a costume, I found the perfect costume for me...and I'm so excited!!!
9. Boobies. Yeppers...in less than two months I'll have new boobs. Yay for all the new clothes I get to buy!!!
10. Travel. Carla and I are going to Minnesota in March and I'll be heading to NYC in the summer. Bill wants to go to Michigan for a weekend and Christopher and I and whoever else wants to go will be heading to a special little place in the summer...I can't wait!
Life is good. I'm happy. I've found myself. I'm finally living my life.
Yay for me!!!!
Oh GAWD do I hate politics!!!!
I'm pretty amazed at the number of people in my life that have the audacity to send me their emails promoting the right-wing-moral-police-hold-women-down-while-the-county-is-in-an-economic-mess candidates. I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I’m a tree-hugging-spiritual-not-religious-I’d-rather-dance-naked-under-the-full-moon-than-go-to-church-save-the-world-feminist. Right? But the thing about me is…I don’t try to turn people around to my way of thinking. I believe that people are entitled to believe (or disbelieve) however they want. That’s the beauty of this great country that we live in. We’re supposed to be free (at least that was what I thought until the Church and the Republicans tried to take away my rights). But anyway. If you want to believe in God…good for you. If you want to believe in numerous gods…even better. If you want to vote Republican…that’s your right. And if you want to vote Democrat….yay for you. I have sent one…seriously only one…email to my friends regarding this upcoming election, and it wasn’t to turn people against Palin, it was to make people aware that there are women out there that are trying to take our rights as women away. Vote for who you want, but leave my rights as a woman alone. Ya dig?
So last week I get an email from an extended family member…and it goes something like this:
************************************************************************
Family Member wrote:
You might find the attached article interesting; if you choose to participate, please pass it on.
Have a great day.
Another "vote" taken by NOW on PBS expecting that their 80% liberal viewers will dominate. Let's prove that wrong. Send to every non-liberal you know. Let's get some balance into the voting group. This is the easiest vote you will ever make. It takes literally two seconds. Let's turn this around!!! PBS has a short video on Sarah Palin on their website. Also included is a poll that asks: Is Sarah Palin qualified to be VP? I logged on a few minutes ago and 37% percent had voted YES, 62% NO. Let's turn this around..... You don't have to give your name or email address in order to vote. It's very simple. Here's the link:
http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll-435.html
AFTER YOU VOTE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO YOUR LIST OF PEOPLE, ASK THEM TO VOTE AND THEN ASK THEM TO FORWARD IT ON TO THEIR E-MAIL LISTS. LET'S SHOW PBS WHAT REAL AMERICANS THINK! You might want to vote more than once !!!
I wrote:
I'm very much a liberal....
I love you!!!!
~Jenn
Family Member wrote:
So, then, a question for you to consider. How does a Christian support a person who approves and supports abortion? Oh, and one other question: how does a person qualify to be Commander-in-Chief when he has only 143 days of service in Congress, and only voted "Present" (i.e., never able to make a decision) when he served in the State of Illinois Senate when it takes over a year for a Basic Private to complete training?
Just use your mind, Jeni, and see what are the long-term consequences of a liberal view, particularly when it directly contradicts God's Word.
I love you, too, and you and your family are in my prayers every Friday.
**********************************************************
So, me being the outspoken Sagittarius that I am had a whole long reply defending my position all ready to go. And then I realized something. The burden of proof lies on him!!!! I’m not the one trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I’m quite happy to live and let live. If he wants to convert me to “the other side”, it falls on him to make a persuasive argument to show me “the error of my ways”…and, quite honestly, he didn’t succeed. So phooey on him.
Today I get an email from a friend…a FEMALE friend…that kind of blows my mind that she’s so young and “hip” and, to be honest, I wonder if she really knows what the conservatives stand for…does she understand they’re trying to take away her rights as a woman?
Follows is this ridiculous email which is, simply put, filled with nonsense:
***************************************************************************
IT'S YOUR CHOICE -- THIS MAY HELP
THIS LETTER MAKES MORE SENSE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN, HEARD, OR READ, CONCERNING THE UPCOMING ELECTION...
IT'S A LETTER FROM A U.S. CITIZEN... WHO LIVES IN ILLINOIS ... AND OBVIOUSLY IS A "SELF-THINKER"... NOT JUST A "FOLLOWER"!!!
IF YOU ONLY READ ONE THING, REGARDING THIS ELECTION... LET THIS BE THE ONE THING!! AFTER READING IT, YOU WILL PROBABLY WANT TO FORWARD IT TO OTHER AMERICANS WHO ARE "SELF THINKERS"!!
An impassioned letter from a "nobody". But he gives his telephone number at the end.
Dear Friends:
My name is Joe Porter. I live in Champaign , Illinois . I'm 46 years old, a born-again Christian, a husband, a father, a small business owner, a veteran, and a homeowner. I don't consider myself to be either conservative or liberal, and I vote for the person, not Republican or Democrat. I don't believe there are "two Americas " but that every person in this country can be whomever and whatever they want to be if they'll just work to get there and nowhere else on earth can they find such opportunities. I believe our government should help those who are legitimately downtrodden, and should always put the interests of America first.
The purpose of this message is that I'm concerned about the future of this great nation. I'm worried that the silent majority of honest, hard-working, tax-paying people in this country have been passive for too long. Most folks I know choose not to involve themselves in politics. They go about their daily lives, paying their bills, raising their kids, and doing what they can to maintain the good life. They vote and consider doing so to be a sacred trust. They shake their heads at the political pundits and so-called "news", thinking that what they hear is always spun by whomever is reporting it. They can't understand how elected officials can regularly violate the public trust with pork barrel spending. They don't want government handouts. They want the government to protect them, not raise their taxes for more government programs.
We are in the unique position in this country of electing our leaders. It's a privilege to do so. I've never found a candidate in any election with whom I agreed on everything. I'll wager that most of us don't even agree with our families or spouses 100% of the time. So when I step into that voting booth, I always try to look at the big picture and cast my vote for the man or woman who is best qualified for the job. I've hired a lot of people in my lifetime, and essentially that's what an election is - a hiring process. Who has the credentials? Whom do I want working for me? Whom can I trust to do the job right?
I'm concerned that a growing number of voters in this country simply don't get it. They are caught up in a fervor they can't explain, and calling it "change".
"Change what?", I ask.
"Well, we're going to change America , they say.
"In what way?", I query.
"We want someone new and fresh in the White House", they exclaim.
"So, someone who's not a politician?", I say.
"Uh, well, no, we just want a lot of stuff changed, so we're voting for Obama", they state.
"So the current system, the system of freedom and democracy that has enabled a man to grow up in this great country, get a fine education, raise incredible amounts of money and dominate the news, and win his party's nomination for the White House that system's all wrong?"
"No, no, that part of the system's okay we just need a lot of change."
And so it goes. "Change we can believe in."
Quite frankly, I don't believe that vague proclamations of change hold any promise for me. In recent months, I've been asking virtually everyone I encounter how they're voting. I live in Illinois , so most folks tell me they're voting for Barack Obama. But no one can really tell me why only that he's going to change a lot of stuff "Change, change, change." I have yet to find one single person who can tell me distinctly and convincingly why this man is qualified to be President and Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful nation on earth other than the fact that he claims he's going to implement a lot of change.
We've all seen the emails about Obama's genealogy, his upbringing, his Muslim background, and his church affiliations. Let's ignore this for a moment. Put it all aside. Then ask yourself, "What qualifies this man to be my president? That he's a brilliant orator and talks about change?"
CHANGE WHAT?
Friends, I'll be forthright with you I believe the American voters who are supporting Barack Obama don't have a clue what they're doing, as evidenced by the fact that not one of them - NOT ONE of them I've spoken to can spell out his qualifications. Not even the most liberal media can explain why he should be elected. Political experience? Negligible. Foreign relations? Non-existent. Achievements? Name one. Someone who wants to unite the country? If you haven't read his wife's thesis from Princeton , look it up on the web. This is who's lining up to be our next First Lady? The only thing I can glean from Obama's constant harping about change is that we're in for a lot of new taxes.
For me, the choice is clear. I've looked carefully at the two leading applicants for the job, and I've made my choice.
Here's a question - "Where were you five and a half years ago? Around Christmas, 2002. You've had five or six birthdays in that time. My son has grown from a sixth grade child to a high school graduate. Five and a half years is a good chunk of time. About 2,000 days. 2,000 nights of sleep. 6, 000 meals, give or take."
John McCain spent that amount of time, from 1967 to 1973, in a North Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp.
When offered early release, he refused it. He considered this offer to be a public relations stunt by his captors, and insisted that those held longer than he should be released first. Did you get that part? He was offered his freedom, and he turned it down. A regimen of beatings and torture began.
Do you possess such strength of character? Locked in a filthy cell in a foreign country, would you turn down your own freedom in favor of your fellow man? I submit that's a quality of character that is rarely found, and for me, this singular act defines John McCain.
Unlike several presidential candidates in recent years whose military service is questionable or non-existent, you will not find anyone to denigrate the integrity and moral courage of this man. A graduate of Annapolis, du ring his Naval service he received the Silver Star, Bronze Star, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross. His own son is now serving in the Marine Corps in Iraq . Barack Obama is fond of saying "We honor John McCain's service...BUT...", which to me is condescending and offensive - because what I hear is, "Let's forget this man's sacrifice for his country, and his proven leadership abilities, and talk some more about change.
I don't agree with John McCain on everything - but I am utterly convinced that he is qualified to be our next President, and I trust him to do what's right. I know in my heart that he has the best interests of our country in mind. He doesn't simply want to be President - he wants to lead America, and there's a huge difference. Factually, there is simply no comparison between the two candidates. A man of questionable background and motives who prattles on about change, can't hold a candle to a man who has devoted his life in public service to this nation, retiring from the Navy in1981 and elected to the Senate in1982.
Perhaps Obama's supporters are taking a stance between old and new. Maybe they don't care about McCain's service or his strength of character, or his unblemished qualifications to be President. Maybe "likeability" is a higher priority for them than "trust". Being a prisoner of war is not what qualifies John McCain to be President of the United States of America - but his demonstrated leadership certainly DOES.
Dear friends, it is time for us to stand. It is time for thinking Americans to say, "Enough." It is time for people of all parties to stop following the party line. It is time for anyone who wants to keep America first, who wants the right man leading their nation, to start a dialogue with all their friends and neighbors and ask who they're voting for, and why.
There's a lot of evil in this world. That should be readily apparent to all of us by now. And when faced with that evil as we are now, I want a man who knows the cost of war on his troops and on his citizens. I want a man who puts my family's interests before any foreign country.
I want a President who's qualified to lead.
I want my country back.
******************************************************************************
The moral of my story? Vote how you want. Think how you want. I don’t care. It’s [still] a free country. But don’t flood my in-box with your nonsense. I don’t do it to you. And while I won’t ask you to stop being who you are, let me be me.
So last week I get an email from an extended family member…and it goes something like this:
************************************************************************
Family Member wrote:
You might find the attached article interesting; if you choose to participate, please pass it on.
Have a great day.
Another "vote" taken by NOW on PBS expecting that their 80% liberal viewers will dominate. Let's prove that wrong. Send to every non-liberal you know. Let's get some balance into the voting group. This is the easiest vote you will ever make. It takes literally two seconds. Let's turn this around!!! PBS has a short video on Sarah Palin on their website. Also included is a poll that asks: Is Sarah Palin qualified to be VP? I logged on a few minutes ago and 37% percent had voted YES, 62% NO. Let's turn this around..... You don't have to give your name or email address in order to vote. It's very simple. Here's the link:
http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll-435.html
AFTER YOU VOTE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO YOUR LIST OF PEOPLE, ASK THEM TO VOTE AND THEN ASK THEM TO FORWARD IT ON TO THEIR E-MAIL LISTS. LET'S SHOW PBS WHAT REAL AMERICANS THINK! You might want to vote more than once !!!
I wrote:
I'm very much a liberal....
I love you!!!!
~Jenn
Family Member wrote:
So, then, a question for you to consider. How does a Christian support a person who approves and supports abortion? Oh, and one other question: how does a person qualify to be Commander-in-Chief when he has only 143 days of service in Congress, and only voted "Present" (i.e., never able to make a decision) when he served in the State of Illinois Senate when it takes over a year for a Basic Private to complete training?
Just use your mind, Jeni, and see what are the long-term consequences of a liberal view, particularly when it directly contradicts God's Word.
I love you, too, and you and your family are in my prayers every Friday.
**********************************************************
So, me being the outspoken Sagittarius that I am had a whole long reply defending my position all ready to go. And then I realized something. The burden of proof lies on him!!!! I’m not the one trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I’m quite happy to live and let live. If he wants to convert me to “the other side”, it falls on him to make a persuasive argument to show me “the error of my ways”…and, quite honestly, he didn’t succeed. So phooey on him.
Today I get an email from a friend…a FEMALE friend…that kind of blows my mind that she’s so young and “hip” and, to be honest, I wonder if she really knows what the conservatives stand for…does she understand they’re trying to take away her rights as a woman?
Follows is this ridiculous email which is, simply put, filled with nonsense:
***************************************************************************
IT'S YOUR CHOICE -- THIS MAY HELP
THIS LETTER MAKES MORE SENSE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN, HEARD, OR READ, CONCERNING THE UPCOMING ELECTION...
IT'S A LETTER FROM A U.S. CITIZEN... WHO LIVES IN ILLINOIS ... AND OBVIOUSLY IS A "SELF-THINKER"... NOT JUST A "FOLLOWER"!!!
IF YOU ONLY READ ONE THING, REGARDING THIS ELECTION... LET THIS BE THE ONE THING!! AFTER READING IT, YOU WILL PROBABLY WANT TO FORWARD IT TO OTHER AMERICANS WHO ARE "SELF THINKERS"!!
An impassioned letter from a "nobody". But he gives his telephone number at the end.
Dear Friends:
My name is Joe Porter. I live in Champaign , Illinois . I'm 46 years old, a born-again Christian, a husband, a father, a small business owner, a veteran, and a homeowner. I don't consider myself to be either conservative or liberal, and I vote for the person, not Republican or Democrat. I don't believe there are "two Americas " but that every person in this country can be whomever and whatever they want to be if they'll just work to get there and nowhere else on earth can they find such opportunities. I believe our government should help those who are legitimately downtrodden, and should always put the interests of America first.
The purpose of this message is that I'm concerned about the future of this great nation. I'm worried that the silent majority of honest, hard-working, tax-paying people in this country have been passive for too long. Most folks I know choose not to involve themselves in politics. They go about their daily lives, paying their bills, raising their kids, and doing what they can to maintain the good life. They vote and consider doing so to be a sacred trust. They shake their heads at the political pundits and so-called "news", thinking that what they hear is always spun by whomever is reporting it. They can't understand how elected officials can regularly violate the public trust with pork barrel spending. They don't want government handouts. They want the government to protect them, not raise their taxes for more government programs.
We are in the unique position in this country of electing our leaders. It's a privilege to do so. I've never found a candidate in any election with whom I agreed on everything. I'll wager that most of us don't even agree with our families or spouses 100% of the time. So when I step into that voting booth, I always try to look at the big picture and cast my vote for the man or woman who is best qualified for the job. I've hired a lot of people in my lifetime, and essentially that's what an election is - a hiring process. Who has the credentials? Whom do I want working for me? Whom can I trust to do the job right?
I'm concerned that a growing number of voters in this country simply don't get it. They are caught up in a fervor they can't explain, and calling it "change".
"Change what?", I ask.
"Well, we're going to change America , they say.
"In what way?", I query.
"We want someone new and fresh in the White House", they exclaim.
"So, someone who's not a politician?", I say.
"Uh, well, no, we just want a lot of stuff changed, so we're voting for Obama", they state.
"So the current system, the system of freedom and democracy that has enabled a man to grow up in this great country, get a fine education, raise incredible amounts of money and dominate the news, and win his party's nomination for the White House that system's all wrong?"
"No, no, that part of the system's okay we just need a lot of change."
And so it goes. "Change we can believe in."
Quite frankly, I don't believe that vague proclamations of change hold any promise for me. In recent months, I've been asking virtually everyone I encounter how they're voting. I live in Illinois , so most folks tell me they're voting for Barack Obama. But no one can really tell me why only that he's going to change a lot of stuff "Change, change, change." I have yet to find one single person who can tell me distinctly and convincingly why this man is qualified to be President and Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful nation on earth other than the fact that he claims he's going to implement a lot of change.
We've all seen the emails about Obama's genealogy, his upbringing, his Muslim background, and his church affiliations. Let's ignore this for a moment. Put it all aside. Then ask yourself, "What qualifies this man to be my president? That he's a brilliant orator and talks about change?"
CHANGE WHAT?
Friends, I'll be forthright with you I believe the American voters who are supporting Barack Obama don't have a clue what they're doing, as evidenced by the fact that not one of them - NOT ONE of them I've spoken to can spell out his qualifications. Not even the most liberal media can explain why he should be elected. Political experience? Negligible. Foreign relations? Non-existent. Achievements? Name one. Someone who wants to unite the country? If you haven't read his wife's thesis from Princeton , look it up on the web. This is who's lining up to be our next First Lady? The only thing I can glean from Obama's constant harping about change is that we're in for a lot of new taxes.
For me, the choice is clear. I've looked carefully at the two leading applicants for the job, and I've made my choice.
Here's a question - "Where were you five and a half years ago? Around Christmas, 2002. You've had five or six birthdays in that time. My son has grown from a sixth grade child to a high school graduate. Five and a half years is a good chunk of time. About 2,000 days. 2,000 nights of sleep. 6, 000 meals, give or take."
John McCain spent that amount of time, from 1967 to 1973, in a North Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp.
When offered early release, he refused it. He considered this offer to be a public relations stunt by his captors, and insisted that those held longer than he should be released first. Did you get that part? He was offered his freedom, and he turned it down. A regimen of beatings and torture began.
Do you possess such strength of character? Locked in a filthy cell in a foreign country, would you turn down your own freedom in favor of your fellow man? I submit that's a quality of character that is rarely found, and for me, this singular act defines John McCain.
Unlike several presidential candidates in recent years whose military service is questionable or non-existent, you will not find anyone to denigrate the integrity and moral courage of this man. A graduate of Annapolis, du ring his Naval service he received the Silver Star, Bronze Star, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross. His own son is now serving in the Marine Corps in Iraq . Barack Obama is fond of saying "We honor John McCain's service...BUT...", which to me is condescending and offensive - because what I hear is, "Let's forget this man's sacrifice for his country, and his proven leadership abilities, and talk some more about change.
I don't agree with John McCain on everything - but I am utterly convinced that he is qualified to be our next President, and I trust him to do what's right. I know in my heart that he has the best interests of our country in mind. He doesn't simply want to be President - he wants to lead America, and there's a huge difference. Factually, there is simply no comparison between the two candidates. A man of questionable background and motives who prattles on about change, can't hold a candle to a man who has devoted his life in public service to this nation, retiring from the Navy in1981 and elected to the Senate in1982.
Perhaps Obama's supporters are taking a stance between old and new. Maybe they don't care about McCain's service or his strength of character, or his unblemished qualifications to be President. Maybe "likeability" is a higher priority for them than "trust". Being a prisoner of war is not what qualifies John McCain to be President of the United States of America - but his demonstrated leadership certainly DOES.
Dear friends, it is time for us to stand. It is time for thinking Americans to say, "Enough." It is time for people of all parties to stop following the party line. It is time for anyone who wants to keep America first, who wants the right man leading their nation, to start a dialogue with all their friends and neighbors and ask who they're voting for, and why.
There's a lot of evil in this world. That should be readily apparent to all of us by now. And when faced with that evil as we are now, I want a man who knows the cost of war on his troops and on his citizens. I want a man who puts my family's interests before any foreign country.
I want a President who's qualified to lead.
I want my country back.
******************************************************************************
The moral of my story? Vote how you want. Think how you want. I don’t care. It’s [still] a free country. But don’t flood my in-box with your nonsense. I don’t do it to you. And while I won’t ask you to stop being who you are, let me be me.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Better in Time
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Broken Hearts and Healing and Three Steps Back
I think it’s weird how you can be going along in your life just fine…doing things that make you happy…keeping busy….surrounding yourself with people who love you…and then BAM!!!!!...sadness hits you like a ton of bricks. I’ve been doing a lot of running lately. Or shall we say hiding. I’ve been hiding from my feelings. I don’t want to feel. I want to be happy. I don’t want to be sad. I want to have girls’ nights and wear high heels and do photo shoots and watch football and dance to Go Cubs Go. The last thing I want to do is cry.
And today I’m crying. I feel like such a fool. I did the one thing that I KNEW I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO DO!!!! There’s one person in this entire world who can get under my skin. He can find his way around all walls of defense I have built up. He is the only person who I’ve been completely and totally and utterly myself with. And you know what? He doesn’t like myself anymore. I’m not good enough according to him. But oh gawd do I want the man that I fell in love with…the man from my memories. And so when he talks to me and says be my friend and we’ll start slow and we’ll have fun and this and that….I can feel my resolve weakening. I can feel the yearning that I’ve drunk into numbness fighting to come out.
And then he does the flip and tells me I’m a lesser person and a horrible person and a miserable person. I can’t really get mad at him though. I mean, this is him. This is who he is. No. The person I’m mad at is myself. I know better. I know that in order to remain happy and in order to not cry…I have to stay away. No contact. No nothing.
It’s hard. And today I feel like all the progress I’ve made has become undone. I want to go home and crawl into bed and hide.
I have some amazing people in my life, and the Universe seems to know what I need before I even need it, and I’m truly blessed. They aren’t letting me crawl back into myself. They’re not sitting here telling me what an idiot I am for talking to him. They don’t tell me that I’m doing this to myself. They would be correct if they did, because it’s true. I am doing it to myself. I want to heal, but I don’t want to let go. He’s unhealthy for me. He’s bad for me. Communicating with him is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette.
I let him break me once, twice, I don’t know how many times. I don’t want to be broken anymore. What do I want? I want my sweet man back. And since that’s impossible, I want my brain and my heart to understand that he isn’t ever going to be my sweet man again.
I guess taking three steps back is what I needed to do…life was moving really fast and I wasn’t dealing with things. I admittedly was hiding from my feelings. I don’t like to hurt. I don’t like to cry. But I think in order for me to be complete I need to get a move on and process these feelings. And then….maybe I’ll be whole.
And today I’m crying. I feel like such a fool. I did the one thing that I KNEW I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO DO!!!! There’s one person in this entire world who can get under my skin. He can find his way around all walls of defense I have built up. He is the only person who I’ve been completely and totally and utterly myself with. And you know what? He doesn’t like myself anymore. I’m not good enough according to him. But oh gawd do I want the man that I fell in love with…the man from my memories. And so when he talks to me and says be my friend and we’ll start slow and we’ll have fun and this and that….I can feel my resolve weakening. I can feel the yearning that I’ve drunk into numbness fighting to come out.
And then he does the flip and tells me I’m a lesser person and a horrible person and a miserable person. I can’t really get mad at him though. I mean, this is him. This is who he is. No. The person I’m mad at is myself. I know better. I know that in order to remain happy and in order to not cry…I have to stay away. No contact. No nothing.
It’s hard. And today I feel like all the progress I’ve made has become undone. I want to go home and crawl into bed and hide.
I have some amazing people in my life, and the Universe seems to know what I need before I even need it, and I’m truly blessed. They aren’t letting me crawl back into myself. They’re not sitting here telling me what an idiot I am for talking to him. They don’t tell me that I’m doing this to myself. They would be correct if they did, because it’s true. I am doing it to myself. I want to heal, but I don’t want to let go. He’s unhealthy for me. He’s bad for me. Communicating with him is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette.
I let him break me once, twice, I don’t know how many times. I don’t want to be broken anymore. What do I want? I want my sweet man back. And since that’s impossible, I want my brain and my heart to understand that he isn’t ever going to be my sweet man again.
I guess taking three steps back is what I needed to do…life was moving really fast and I wasn’t dealing with things. I admittedly was hiding from my feelings. I don’t like to hurt. I don’t like to cry. But I think in order for me to be complete I need to get a move on and process these feelings. And then….maybe I’ll be whole.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
It's time to close the book
Life has been CRAZY lately. I've been so busy...running running running. I feel like I'm a brand new person. I feel so enlightened. Things that I never wanted to see, never wanted to accept, never wanted to admit...now it's like I'm waking up and the blinders have come off. I'm able to see things for what they were.
Take for example, a relationship that ended. No, no, no, I'm not going to sit here and badmouth this man. That's mean. Obviously he had some very good qualities otherwise I wouldn't have fallen so deeply in love with him so long ago. No, what I'm going to talk about is the way that I treated him for a short time. This morning I was walking down the steps at the train station and I saw this woman with a brace on her knee, slowly trying to maneuver down the steps. FLASH BACK. Early last year I was in the same position. Only the then boyfriend was kind enough to drive me downtown in shitty weather when he had no reason to be there to begin with. Anyway, part of my flashback was remembering the song that was on the radio and the thoughts that went through my mind at the time. I stopped in mid-step on the platform as that memory played in my mind. It was not one of my finer moments. Anyway, I sent him a text acknowledging and apologizing. I know, it won't make up for the way I made him feel, but it's a lesson that I finally learned that, if faced with a similar circumstance in the future, I'll behave differently.
I've been really happy lately. I could attribute it to the new people in my life, but I really think it's a combination of so many things. I'm back to being silly again....which reminds me of the days when my nickname was Rock-in-Roll Jenn. I'm laughing a lot. I'm spending time with my friends. I'm doing things with my kids. I've adopted two new kitty cats. I'm flirting. I'm having fun.
For so long I was so very sad, and now it's like....I don't know. I'm genuinely happy. But you know what the best part is, the part that shows me that I'm growing as a person? I can look back on this relationship that ended, and no matter all the bad things that happened, all the ways I was destroyed, I can look back and appreciate the things that this man gave me...the knowledge, the courage to love, the ability to take chances, the desire to follow my dreams. I don't hate him. I can't. He'll always be a part of me.
But thankfully, that chapter of my life is over. It's time to move on, and with it, take the lessons that I've learned and incorporate them into my present...and future.
It's time to close the book.
Take for example, a relationship that ended. No, no, no, I'm not going to sit here and badmouth this man. That's mean. Obviously he had some very good qualities otherwise I wouldn't have fallen so deeply in love with him so long ago. No, what I'm going to talk about is the way that I treated him for a short time. This morning I was walking down the steps at the train station and I saw this woman with a brace on her knee, slowly trying to maneuver down the steps. FLASH BACK. Early last year I was in the same position. Only the then boyfriend was kind enough to drive me downtown in shitty weather when he had no reason to be there to begin with. Anyway, part of my flashback was remembering the song that was on the radio and the thoughts that went through my mind at the time. I stopped in mid-step on the platform as that memory played in my mind. It was not one of my finer moments. Anyway, I sent him a text acknowledging and apologizing. I know, it won't make up for the way I made him feel, but it's a lesson that I finally learned that, if faced with a similar circumstance in the future, I'll behave differently.
I've been really happy lately. I could attribute it to the new people in my life, but I really think it's a combination of so many things. I'm back to being silly again....which reminds me of the days when my nickname was Rock-in-Roll Jenn. I'm laughing a lot. I'm spending time with my friends. I'm doing things with my kids. I've adopted two new kitty cats. I'm flirting. I'm having fun.
For so long I was so very sad, and now it's like....I don't know. I'm genuinely happy. But you know what the best part is, the part that shows me that I'm growing as a person? I can look back on this relationship that ended, and no matter all the bad things that happened, all the ways I was destroyed, I can look back and appreciate the things that this man gave me...the knowledge, the courage to love, the ability to take chances, the desire to follow my dreams. I don't hate him. I can't. He'll always be a part of me.
But thankfully, that chapter of my life is over. It's time to move on, and with it, take the lessons that I've learned and incorporate them into my present...and future.
It's time to close the book.
Oooohhhhh....and Rock-n-Roll Jenn is back (and I still love Pink)!!!!
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na
I guess i just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So i'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And i'm gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight
So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
Uh, check my flow, uh
The waiter just took my table
And gave to Jessica Simp- Shit!
I guess i'll go sit with drum boy
At least he'll know how to hit
What if this song's on the radio
Then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
He's gonna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
We're all gonna get in a fight!
So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But thats not fair
I gave you life
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall
So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done (we're done)
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright(I'm alright),I'm just fine (I'm just fine)
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
No No, No No
I Don't want you tonight
You weren't fair
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
(wooooooooooohoooooooo!)
Ba da da da da da (*tongue spits*)
Pink
Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na
I guess i just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So i'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And i'm gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight
So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
Uh, check my flow, uh
The waiter just took my table
And gave to Jessica Simp- Shit!
I guess i'll go sit with drum boy
At least he'll know how to hit
What if this song's on the radio
Then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
He's gonna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
We're all gonna get in a fight!
So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But thats not fair
I gave you life
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall
So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done (we're done)
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright(I'm alright),I'm just fine (I'm just fine)
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
No No, No No
I Don't want you tonight
You weren't fair
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight
(wooooooooooohoooooooo!)
Ba da da da da da (*tongue spits*)
Pink
Is it almost "Someday" yet?
This morning I heard on the radio that after the Cubs played their make-up game in Milwaukee, some of the players wouldn't mind tearing down Wrigley Field and having a new stadium built. Oh, Zambrano, we love you, you made our hearts fill with joy and tears run down our cheeks...but replace Wrigley???
One of the things I've always loved, even when I was rebelling and pretending to be a Sox fan, was Wrigley Field. I remember when I was a little girl and my Mom took my brother and me to my first game. Thank you, Mommy, for letting me share the experience again with you this past Mother's Day..some 20+ years later! Oh Damon Berryhill , you started this love affair I have with baseball, the Cubs, and Wrigley. To tear it down would be, well, blasphemous. It would mark the end of the the world as we know it. Please please please....keep our ivy covered walls...the ambiance...the sense of being among family that we ALL feel every time we walk through those gates.
I leave you now, fellow Cubs fans, with lovely words from the famous Eddie Vedder:
Yeah, don’t let them say that it’s just a game.
Well, I’ve seen other teams and it is never the same.
When you go to Chicago, you’re blessed and you’re healed, The first time you walk into Wrigley Field.
Heroes with pinstripes and heroes in blue, Give us the chance to feel like heroes do.
Whether we’ll win and if we should lose, we know Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.
We are one with the Cubs, with the Cubs we’re in love.
Hold our heads tall as the underdogs.
We are not fairweather, but farweather fans.
Like brothers in arms, in the suites and the stands.
There’s magic in the Ivy and the old score board.
The same one I stared at as a kid keeping score.
In a world full of greed, we could never want more.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.
Here’s to the men and the legends we’ve known.
Giving us faith and giving us hope.
United we stand and united we’ll fall
Down to our knees the day we win it all.
Yeah Ernie Banks said, “oh, let’s play two”.
I think he meant two hundred years.
Playing at Wrigley, our diamond, our jewel.
The home of our joy and our fears.
Keeping traditions, and wishes anew,
The place where our grandfathers’ fathers they grew.
The spiritual feeling if I ever knew.
And when the day comes for that last winning run, and I’m crying and covered with beer.
I look to the sky and know I was right today.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.
One of the things I've always loved, even when I was rebelling and pretending to be a Sox fan, was Wrigley Field. I remember when I was a little girl and my Mom took my brother and me to my first game. Thank you, Mommy, for letting me share the experience again with you this past Mother's Day..some 20+ years later! Oh Damon Berryhill , you started this love affair I have with baseball, the Cubs, and Wrigley. To tear it down would be, well, blasphemous. It would mark the end of the the world as we know it. Please please please....keep our ivy covered walls...the ambiance...the sense of being among family that we ALL feel every time we walk through those gates.
I leave you now, fellow Cubs fans, with lovely words from the famous Eddie Vedder:
Yeah, don’t let them say that it’s just a game.
Well, I’ve seen other teams and it is never the same.
When you go to Chicago, you’re blessed and you’re healed, The first time you walk into Wrigley Field.
Heroes with pinstripes and heroes in blue, Give us the chance to feel like heroes do.
Whether we’ll win and if we should lose, we know Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.
We are one with the Cubs, with the Cubs we’re in love.
Hold our heads tall as the underdogs.
We are not fairweather, but farweather fans.
Like brothers in arms, in the suites and the stands.
There’s magic in the Ivy and the old score board.
The same one I stared at as a kid keeping score.
In a world full of greed, we could never want more.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.
Here’s to the men and the legends we’ve known.
Giving us faith and giving us hope.
United we stand and united we’ll fall
Down to our knees the day we win it all.
Yeah Ernie Banks said, “oh, let’s play two”.
I think he meant two hundred years.
Playing at Wrigley, our diamond, our jewel.
The home of our joy and our fears.
Keeping traditions, and wishes anew,
The place where our grandfathers’ fathers they grew.
The spiritual feeling if I ever knew.
And when the day comes for that last winning run, and I’m crying and covered with beer.
I look to the sky and know I was right today.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Never Make Someone a Priority When You Are Only Their Option....Part II
About a year ago, when life started to get really shitty, I came across this little saying and wrote about it. I still find that saying to be true, however, my perspective has changed.
My life has changed very quickly lately, and while it's all for the good, I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed. I told a friend today that I believe the Universe put her into my life for a reason. I told another friend today that everything happens for a reason.
A year ago I was making someone a priority and I was nothing more than his option. As much as I talked about it, I just couldn't grasp it. As unhappy as I was with him, I was too scared to leave him. I knew that he didn't care about me. I knew that I was always an afterthought for him. I knew that I hadn't been a priority for him for a very long time, yet still I stayed.
He set me free a while ago. It took a little while to sink in, but once it did, I felt, strangely....liberated!!!
So anyway, I've been learning a lot of things lately. Things about life, things about myself, things about other people. I'm finally becoming receptive to the lessons that the Universe is trying to teach me.
0ne of the lessons that I've learned is that life doesn't always give you a second chance. Sometimes people come into your life for a reason, and while you may not know why the timing is what it is, you have to seize the moment when you can.
Make sure that the people in your life know how important they are to you. Don't give them a chance to question where they stand in your life.
Make time to have fun. Play with your kids. Act like a kid. Age is only a state of mind. Take care of your body. Have a lot of sex. Lots of it;-)
Follow your dreams. Embrace your passions. Make new friends. Try something new.
I remember how sad and unworthy I used to feel when the person that I made my priority only considered me his option. I never want to make anyone feel that way. So, to all the people that I'm lucky enough to have in my life, old friends, new friends, sushi guides, family....you're not only my option.
You only get one life. Live it to the fullest.
My life has changed very quickly lately, and while it's all for the good, I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed. I told a friend today that I believe the Universe put her into my life for a reason. I told another friend today that everything happens for a reason.
A year ago I was making someone a priority and I was nothing more than his option. As much as I talked about it, I just couldn't grasp it. As unhappy as I was with him, I was too scared to leave him. I knew that he didn't care about me. I knew that I was always an afterthought for him. I knew that I hadn't been a priority for him for a very long time, yet still I stayed.
He set me free a while ago. It took a little while to sink in, but once it did, I felt, strangely....liberated!!!
So anyway, I've been learning a lot of things lately. Things about life, things about myself, things about other people. I'm finally becoming receptive to the lessons that the Universe is trying to teach me.
0ne of the lessons that I've learned is that life doesn't always give you a second chance. Sometimes people come into your life for a reason, and while you may not know why the timing is what it is, you have to seize the moment when you can.
Make sure that the people in your life know how important they are to you. Don't give them a chance to question where they stand in your life.
Make time to have fun. Play with your kids. Act like a kid. Age is only a state of mind. Take care of your body. Have a lot of sex. Lots of it;-)
Follow your dreams. Embrace your passions. Make new friends. Try something new.
I remember how sad and unworthy I used to feel when the person that I made my priority only considered me his option. I never want to make anyone feel that way. So, to all the people that I'm lucky enough to have in my life, old friends, new friends, sushi guides, family....you're not only my option.
You only get one life. Live it to the fullest.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Ok, yes, I finally did it ;-)
While I prefer to write on this blog, there are some things that I read or hear that are just so great I want to share them. I finally created a Tumblr blog that makes that so simple!!!
I'm having so much fun with it, it may become my new addiction!!!
Happy Friday to me.
I'm having so much fun with it, it may become my new addiction!!!
Happy Friday to me.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
In need of some comfort...
It's been a rough 24 hours. My emotions are in an uproar. I'm caught with one foot in the past and one foot in the present. I can't stop the tears but I won't let them fall. Days like this (although, to be honest, I’ve never had a 24 hours quite like the 24 hours I’m going through now), I turn to comfort food. Unfortunately, I’m at work and unable to get to the Mexican restaurant whose steak flautas and fried ice cream bring me great comfort. However, because this is such a painful time for me, I turned to the ultimate in comfort food….Irish food. Bangers and mashed to be exact.
Did it help? For the moment. I was so lost in the experience of the soft, lightly fried, mild flavored bangers and the mashed potatoes made as only the Irish can, that the pain I was feeling was numbed, if only for a brief hour.
I’m so very sad. I’m so very broken. And I’m in desperate need of some comfort.
Maybe it’ll be Mexican food for dinner after all.
Did it help? For the moment. I was so lost in the experience of the soft, lightly fried, mild flavored bangers and the mashed potatoes made as only the Irish can, that the pain I was feeling was numbed, if only for a brief hour.
I’m so very sad. I’m so very broken. And I’m in desperate need of some comfort.
Maybe it’ll be Mexican food for dinner after all.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Love, Memories and Opening my Heart Again
Last year I had to put my cat of 18 years to sleep. It was probably one of the saddest days of my life. I know it was the right thing to do because she was so sick and keeping her alive would have been inhumane, but she was my baby. I loved her.
Since then, the kids have wanted me to get another pet. I wasn’t too hip on the idea for several reasons. What kind of pet would I get? I love dogs and I love cats. Do I want a baby or an adult? My workdays are very long, so my pet would be home alone for most of the day. Also, in two years I’m going to be traveling quite frequently. Who would take care of the pet while I was gone? I don’t have a fenced yard. If I got a dog, he or she would have to be walked and wouldn’t really be able to roam free. Anyway, my point is that there were so many reasons why I didn’t want to get another pet that I just didn’t.
I’ve been going through some changes in my life lately. I don’t want a boyfriend and it can get incredibly lonely when the kids are with their dad. I’ve been thinking a lot during the past month of getting a pet. Today an email went through the office of two 12-year-old cats to be given away to a good home. I sat here and thought about it and then I texted my Angel Girl asking her opinion. She said yes, but to be honest I had already decided to do it.
Hopefully, if everything goes right, this weekend the kids and I will be the new owners of two cats. Whiskers will always have a place in my heart, but I don’t think she’d mind me making some room for these boys.
Since then, the kids have wanted me to get another pet. I wasn’t too hip on the idea for several reasons. What kind of pet would I get? I love dogs and I love cats. Do I want a baby or an adult? My workdays are very long, so my pet would be home alone for most of the day. Also, in two years I’m going to be traveling quite frequently. Who would take care of the pet while I was gone? I don’t have a fenced yard. If I got a dog, he or she would have to be walked and wouldn’t really be able to roam free. Anyway, my point is that there were so many reasons why I didn’t want to get another pet that I just didn’t.
I’ve been going through some changes in my life lately. I don’t want a boyfriend and it can get incredibly lonely when the kids are with their dad. I’ve been thinking a lot during the past month of getting a pet. Today an email went through the office of two 12-year-old cats to be given away to a good home. I sat here and thought about it and then I texted my Angel Girl asking her opinion. She said yes, but to be honest I had already decided to do it.
Hopefully, if everything goes right, this weekend the kids and I will be the new owners of two cats. Whiskers will always have a place in my heart, but I don’t think she’d mind me making some room for these boys.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Hey you...yes you....FYRWH
I love Staind....
"...All the times, that I could beg you please, in vain
All the times, that I felt insecure, for you..."
"I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside your ugly..."
"...All the times, that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain..."
"...But I feel, tomorrow will be OK"
"...All the times, that I could beg you please, in vain
All the times, that I felt insecure, for you..."
"I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside your ugly..."
"...All the times, that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain..."
"...But I feel, tomorrow will be OK"
Friday, August 29, 2008
It takes a village to raise a child
Last year I received a phone call from one of my girlfriends who was completely hysterical. At the time, her and her boyfriend were living together. She was on his computer and came across some disturbing porn that he had in a folder on his desktop. Photos that consisted of naked children in sexual poses. Photos that consisted of said naked children doing things with animals. It seems that when she confronted him on it, he became enraged at her “snooping” and basically shoved her into the dresser, where she cracked her head on the corner. Then he left.
The most disturbing part of the whole scenario was not that she was upset at the photos, but that she was upset because he left her. Wow. Did I forget to mention that the children in the photos she found were of similar age to her daughter? I don’t know, I think as a mother I would be hysterical at discovering that the man I was in love with, the man I was living with, the man that was around my child on a daily basis, had photos of that sort. The question is, who is more to blame? The photographer who took the photos, the person who was viewing them, or said girlfriend who stayed with him in spite of the photos. Talk about not protecting your child from dangers that may exist.
I have another friend who ended a 20+ year friendship with his best friend after discovering that his best friend was hitting on a girl who was 18, an age close to my friend’s daughter’s age. No, the ex-best friend didn’t do anything sexual with the girl (it all blew up in the press and actually cost him his job), and yes, the girl was 18, but the man was in his 30’s and should have known better. I’m sure it was a difficult decision for my friend to make, ending the friendship as he did. I mean, they had been friends since high school. They worked together. The friend was as much a part of the family as his actual family was. My friend explained it to me like this: if he was trying to date a girl that was close to my daughter’s age, a date that would have led to something sexual, how could I trust him around my daughter. Point well made.
Ironically, in this instance, it wasn’t the girl who was being hit on that had the problem. From what I understand, she was quite willing to go out with this guy. I mean, honestly, what teenager wouldn’t be flattered by the attention of an older man, a man who was already well established in his career, owned his own home, and basically was “so much more mature” that the 18-year-old boys who normally asked her out. No, it was one of the girl’s friends who saw the problem with this and told the girl’s family, who happened to be quite politically connected and, well, cost this man his job.
I remember when I was 18. Most of my friends had become strippers. Hey, it was easy money, they got to play dress up (and dress off) and they got to feel beautiful. You have no idea how badly I wanted to do it too. Fortunately, I had an adult in my life who insisted that taking my clothes off was something that I would regret when I got older. I was pretty pissed at the time, but then I got a job at a 5 star hotel and realized that I’d rather be a career woman. I can tell you, looking back, I’m glad that I had an adult in my life looking out for me. I would have regretted it. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to know that taking your clothes off in any manner is a very personal decision that can’t be made in the spur of the moment. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to realize that the things that I did then I would be haunted by now.
So you may ask why have I taken my clothes off to model? Well, I’m 32 years old. The circumstances in which I have taken my clothes off are circumstances in which I have weighed the decision very carefully. I’m also mature enough to know that the difference. And I thank that person who, 14 years ago, convinced me to wait until I was mature enough to do something of that sort.
Let me tell you another story from when I was 18, a story of another adult who didn’t care how old (or young) I was, and had no problem suggesting, or attempting to encourage some behavior that, if I had done it, I would still be regretting now.
Prior to my hotel job, I worked for a very small place. There was the owner, me (the secretary), a full time employee and two part-time employees. We were more like a family that anything else. Or so I thought. One day the owner (who was quite older than me) asked me if I wanted to run errands with him downtown. Shoot, anything to get out of work, right?! We went to the City, ran our errands, and then stopped at a great little pizza place for lunch. It was there that he gave me a couple glasses of beer. Now, I was certainly no stranger to alcohol, but it was quite different when an adult (and not someone just barely 21) was giving it to me. But whatever. I drank up. It was then, on our way home, that he made the proposition that I will never forget.
See, I was a single mom. My angel girl was just a few months old. I was barely scraping by to pay the bills and take care of her. Seeing all this, he made me this offer: he would take care of me financially (i.e. I would never want for anything again) and all I had to do was have sex with him when he wanted to. Hmmmm…what a deal right? At the time, I would have done practically anything to provide for my child. Life was a struggle and I hated it. But I said no. I said no because I wasn’t attracted to him. And not for any other reason that that. See what I mean about not having the brains to make informed decisions when you’re 18? Of course, now I look back and I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of what I could have done if only he were a little bit more attractive. Thank god I was shallow even then huh.
My point in all this is that teenagers will do most anything. I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, in trying to explain the dangers that are out there to my angel girl. She recently made a very bad decision that could have been a whole lot worse. My ex thinks punishing her is the right thing to do. I think that educating her is what needs to be done in order to prevent her from making a similar decision in the future. My next door neighbor offered to discuss things with her. My girlfriends have spoken with her. It is really and truly taking a village to raise this child of mine. I want her making smart decisions and not doing something that she’s going to regret in the future.
Now, back to my friends. My girlfriend ended up staying with her boyfriend BECAUSE SHE LOVED HIM. She is now in a custody battle for her daughter. My other friend hasn’t spoken to his ex-best friend at all, and this occurred years ago. He couldn’t stomach what his friend did, and made the very difficult decision of walking away from the friendship in order to take a stand for his daughter. Was it extreme? Some say yes. I say that when you become a parent, there are certain things that become a no-no. I also say that when you become a certain age, certain age groups become a no-no as well.
It takes a village to raise a child, and adults need to be conscientious of the things that they do, whether improper or not, because as an adult they need to set examples for these teenagers and guide them and teach them so that the decisions they make will benefit them.
The most disturbing part of the whole scenario was not that she was upset at the photos, but that she was upset because he left her. Wow. Did I forget to mention that the children in the photos she found were of similar age to her daughter? I don’t know, I think as a mother I would be hysterical at discovering that the man I was in love with, the man I was living with, the man that was around my child on a daily basis, had photos of that sort. The question is, who is more to blame? The photographer who took the photos, the person who was viewing them, or said girlfriend who stayed with him in spite of the photos. Talk about not protecting your child from dangers that may exist.
I have another friend who ended a 20+ year friendship with his best friend after discovering that his best friend was hitting on a girl who was 18, an age close to my friend’s daughter’s age. No, the ex-best friend didn’t do anything sexual with the girl (it all blew up in the press and actually cost him his job), and yes, the girl was 18, but the man was in his 30’s and should have known better. I’m sure it was a difficult decision for my friend to make, ending the friendship as he did. I mean, they had been friends since high school. They worked together. The friend was as much a part of the family as his actual family was. My friend explained it to me like this: if he was trying to date a girl that was close to my daughter’s age, a date that would have led to something sexual, how could I trust him around my daughter. Point well made.
Ironically, in this instance, it wasn’t the girl who was being hit on that had the problem. From what I understand, she was quite willing to go out with this guy. I mean, honestly, what teenager wouldn’t be flattered by the attention of an older man, a man who was already well established in his career, owned his own home, and basically was “so much more mature” that the 18-year-old boys who normally asked her out. No, it was one of the girl’s friends who saw the problem with this and told the girl’s family, who happened to be quite politically connected and, well, cost this man his job.
I remember when I was 18. Most of my friends had become strippers. Hey, it was easy money, they got to play dress up (and dress off) and they got to feel beautiful. You have no idea how badly I wanted to do it too. Fortunately, I had an adult in my life who insisted that taking my clothes off was something that I would regret when I got older. I was pretty pissed at the time, but then I got a job at a 5 star hotel and realized that I’d rather be a career woman. I can tell you, looking back, I’m glad that I had an adult in my life looking out for me. I would have regretted it. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to know that taking your clothes off in any manner is a very personal decision that can’t be made in the spur of the moment. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to realize that the things that I did then I would be haunted by now.
So you may ask why have I taken my clothes off to model? Well, I’m 32 years old. The circumstances in which I have taken my clothes off are circumstances in which I have weighed the decision very carefully. I’m also mature enough to know that the difference. And I thank that person who, 14 years ago, convinced me to wait until I was mature enough to do something of that sort.
Let me tell you another story from when I was 18, a story of another adult who didn’t care how old (or young) I was, and had no problem suggesting, or attempting to encourage some behavior that, if I had done it, I would still be regretting now.
Prior to my hotel job, I worked for a very small place. There was the owner, me (the secretary), a full time employee and two part-time employees. We were more like a family that anything else. Or so I thought. One day the owner (who was quite older than me) asked me if I wanted to run errands with him downtown. Shoot, anything to get out of work, right?! We went to the City, ran our errands, and then stopped at a great little pizza place for lunch. It was there that he gave me a couple glasses of beer. Now, I was certainly no stranger to alcohol, but it was quite different when an adult (and not someone just barely 21) was giving it to me. But whatever. I drank up. It was then, on our way home, that he made the proposition that I will never forget.
See, I was a single mom. My angel girl was just a few months old. I was barely scraping by to pay the bills and take care of her. Seeing all this, he made me this offer: he would take care of me financially (i.e. I would never want for anything again) and all I had to do was have sex with him when he wanted to. Hmmmm…what a deal right? At the time, I would have done practically anything to provide for my child. Life was a struggle and I hated it. But I said no. I said no because I wasn’t attracted to him. And not for any other reason that that. See what I mean about not having the brains to make informed decisions when you’re 18? Of course, now I look back and I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of what I could have done if only he were a little bit more attractive. Thank god I was shallow even then huh.
My point in all this is that teenagers will do most anything. I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, in trying to explain the dangers that are out there to my angel girl. She recently made a very bad decision that could have been a whole lot worse. My ex thinks punishing her is the right thing to do. I think that educating her is what needs to be done in order to prevent her from making a similar decision in the future. My next door neighbor offered to discuss things with her. My girlfriends have spoken with her. It is really and truly taking a village to raise this child of mine. I want her making smart decisions and not doing something that she’s going to regret in the future.
Now, back to my friends. My girlfriend ended up staying with her boyfriend BECAUSE SHE LOVED HIM. She is now in a custody battle for her daughter. My other friend hasn’t spoken to his ex-best friend at all, and this occurred years ago. He couldn’t stomach what his friend did, and made the very difficult decision of walking away from the friendship in order to take a stand for his daughter. Was it extreme? Some say yes. I say that when you become a parent, there are certain things that become a no-no. I also say that when you become a certain age, certain age groups become a no-no as well.
It takes a village to raise a child, and adults need to be conscientious of the things that they do, whether improper or not, because as an adult they need to set examples for these teenagers and guide them and teach them so that the decisions they make will benefit them.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Can someone please tell me what is wrong with these people?
Last night I was watching the news and they were talking about the Democratic Convention and Barack Obama and all that political stuff that I don’t pay too much attention to.
And then I heard something that almost made me choke on the slice of pizza I was eating. It seems that Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson) is calling for his followers to pray for torrential rain so that Mr. Obama’s speech will get rained out.
Oh, but wait, it gets better. As I was doing a Google search for more information on this, I came across this handy dandy little blog.
Ok. Now all I can really say here is OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ARE INSANE!!!!!
Look, we all know that rational thinking is often not my strong point. And we all know that I get overly emotional and can go off on a tangent like nobody’s business. But please, please, PLEASE people…can you not use your brains here?
First of all, what is this nonsense? You don’t like what Mr. Obama has to say about abortion so you’re going to pray that his speech will be rained out? I see. So, let’s ignore the fact that there are plenty of places that are in such a horrible drought that they desperately need rain. And let’s also ignore the fact that praying to the invisible man in the sky to rain on somebody’s parade simply because you don’t like what he has to say is utterly ridiculous and childish. But tell me this. If the Democratic Convention is “rained out”, will that change Mr. Obama’s view on abortion? Speaking of which, how many of these people honestly know what Mr. Obama’s view on abortion is? Well, folks, here it is.
Read it. Study it. Learn it. There will be a test on it later as another fundamentalist idiot is sure to open their mouth and spew hatred. I’m not about to get into a discussion about abortion because, as a woman, I’m personally sick of these fools trying to tell me what’s good for me and what’s bad for me when it’s my body and I can do whatever the hell I want. So there. Once again, I don’t need a moral babysitter to tell me the difference between right and wrong as I already have a conscience (this is what I mean about me and my tangents).
Now, let’s touch briefly on this silly rumor that Mr. Obama is the anti-christ. You people are dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. You know you don’t really believe he’s the anti-christ. I mean, the end of times has been coming for the past 30 years as far as I’m aware, because I remember sitting in church one Sunday night when I was the young age of 7 or 8 and watching a movie about the rapture that was filmed in the 70’s. Well, it’s been almost 30 years since the end of the 70’s and we’re still here….no rapture, no anti-christ, no barcode tattooed on our arm or forehead.
Look people. Use your brain. Think for yourself and stop listening to the poison that is being spewed from the pulpits. Join the real world and stop worrying so much about what’s going to happen when you die and are buried 6 feet under. There is no reason to live your life in fear of eternal damnation in the flaming pits of hell. If that actually does happen, well you’ll already be dead so I doubt you’ll feel it much. But if, as your bible says, your acts on earth decide what riches you’ll get in heaven, then don’t you think you should stop being so nasty and intolerant of those that you don’t agree with?
And then I heard something that almost made me choke on the slice of pizza I was eating. It seems that Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson) is calling for his followers to pray for torrential rain so that Mr. Obama’s speech will get rained out.
Oh, but wait, it gets better. As I was doing a Google search for more information on this, I came across this handy dandy little blog.
Ok. Now all I can really say here is OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ARE INSANE!!!!!
Look, we all know that rational thinking is often not my strong point. And we all know that I get overly emotional and can go off on a tangent like nobody’s business. But please, please, PLEASE people…can you not use your brains here?
First of all, what is this nonsense? You don’t like what Mr. Obama has to say about abortion so you’re going to pray that his speech will be rained out? I see. So, let’s ignore the fact that there are plenty of places that are in such a horrible drought that they desperately need rain. And let’s also ignore the fact that praying to the invisible man in the sky to rain on somebody’s parade simply because you don’t like what he has to say is utterly ridiculous and childish. But tell me this. If the Democratic Convention is “rained out”, will that change Mr. Obama’s view on abortion? Speaking of which, how many of these people honestly know what Mr. Obama’s view on abortion is? Well, folks, here it is.
Read it. Study it. Learn it. There will be a test on it later as another fundamentalist idiot is sure to open their mouth and spew hatred. I’m not about to get into a discussion about abortion because, as a woman, I’m personally sick of these fools trying to tell me what’s good for me and what’s bad for me when it’s my body and I can do whatever the hell I want. So there. Once again, I don’t need a moral babysitter to tell me the difference between right and wrong as I already have a conscience (this is what I mean about me and my tangents).
Now, let’s touch briefly on this silly rumor that Mr. Obama is the anti-christ. You people are dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. You know you don’t really believe he’s the anti-christ. I mean, the end of times has been coming for the past 30 years as far as I’m aware, because I remember sitting in church one Sunday night when I was the young age of 7 or 8 and watching a movie about the rapture that was filmed in the 70’s. Well, it’s been almost 30 years since the end of the 70’s and we’re still here….no rapture, no anti-christ, no barcode tattooed on our arm or forehead.
Look people. Use your brain. Think for yourself and stop listening to the poison that is being spewed from the pulpits. Join the real world and stop worrying so much about what’s going to happen when you die and are buried 6 feet under. There is no reason to live your life in fear of eternal damnation in the flaming pits of hell. If that actually does happen, well you’ll already be dead so I doubt you’ll feel it much. But if, as your bible says, your acts on earth decide what riches you’ll get in heaven, then don’t you think you should stop being so nasty and intolerant of those that you don’t agree with?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Lyrics of the Day - Shattered (O.A.R.)
In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around
What’s On my Mind Today….Grieving for a Loss
It’s been said that there are 5 stages to grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I’ve also heard that there are 3 stages to grief:
1. Numbness
2. Disorganization
3. Reorganization
I was 15 when my great-grandma died and I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. She passed on a Saturday and I was scheduled to sing at church the next day so no one told me until after church Sunday. That still upsets me, but I suppose the adults in my life at the time were more concerned with me singing at church than how losing my great-grandma would affect me…yet another reason why I boycott the Church. Anyway….I remember not believing them (I had just visited her in the nursing home a few days prior). I remember being really really sad. I also remember finally accepting it. I don’t recall the anger or the bargaining, I think I realized that begging god to bring her back or making deals with him simply wouldn’t work.
I did divorce litigation for a lot of years, and I can say without a doubt that the stages of grief are involved there, although most people are too emotional at the time to recognize it. It doesn’t surprise me that the divorces that are supposed to be so simple (uncontested) can turn into some of the nastiest and drawn out processes. And why? Because even though everything is all neat and tidy on paper….visitation schedule is like this, he gets these items, she gets these items, the house will be sold and the proceeds will be divided as follows, etc….what people fail to take into consideration is that there are emotions involved. And when emotions are involved, things can get ugly. People need to allow themselves time to grieve. They need to process all the different emotions that they feel before they can move on. R used to question all the time why I couldn’t behave or speak rationally when I was upset about some. I think he forgot that when emotions are involved, rationality goes out the window.
I know from my own experience, after having thrown myself into the grieving process on purpose, at first I was very numb. I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want to feel the pain that was sure to come. After about four days, I finally broke down and cried. I wasn’t bargaining with the Universe. I was, however, crying and crying and asking how it got to that point. I couldn’t understand how things had gotten to be so bad that I had to remove myself from the situation. Was the pain of the grieving process less than the pain of the situation, or vice versa? I was so torn and conflicted. Part of me wanted to go back to the situation because it was what I knew and loved. I just didn’t want the situation to be the same situation that it was. And the other part of me was screaming no no no just stay strong. I’ve found that when I don’t know what to do, it’s better to do nothing. Or cry myself to sleep, whichever comes first. Regardless, as I found myself wavering and as I found myself questioning my decision and as I found myself wanting to run full speed back to the situation, I kept telling myself that it would pass. I kept telling myself that I had to walk through the fire. I kept telling myself that it was for the best. I kept telling myself that the pain would pass. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t kill me. I keep telling myself that if that person was supposed to remain in my life, then the situation would change.
Some people don’t understand the idea of inner conflict. It may just be a woman thing because Terry Hatcher wrote about it in her book “Burnt Toast”. I think very few people truly understood how conflicted I was. It felt like my arm had been cut off. You’ve heard the saying “a piece of me was missing”? That’s how I felt. In addition to feeling the loss, I was grieving. And in addition to grieving, I was still in love with him. So what did I do? Nothing. I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, then it would be.
Have you ever thrown yourself into the grieving process purposely? Did it make it any easier knowing that it was your choice to do so? Is there an order to the steps? Is it possible to feel everything all at once? How did it turn out?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I’ve also heard that there are 3 stages to grief:
1. Numbness
2. Disorganization
3. Reorganization
I was 15 when my great-grandma died and I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. She passed on a Saturday and I was scheduled to sing at church the next day so no one told me until after church Sunday. That still upsets me, but I suppose the adults in my life at the time were more concerned with me singing at church than how losing my great-grandma would affect me…yet another reason why I boycott the Church. Anyway….I remember not believing them (I had just visited her in the nursing home a few days prior). I remember being really really sad. I also remember finally accepting it. I don’t recall the anger or the bargaining, I think I realized that begging god to bring her back or making deals with him simply wouldn’t work.
I did divorce litigation for a lot of years, and I can say without a doubt that the stages of grief are involved there, although most people are too emotional at the time to recognize it. It doesn’t surprise me that the divorces that are supposed to be so simple (uncontested) can turn into some of the nastiest and drawn out processes. And why? Because even though everything is all neat and tidy on paper….visitation schedule is like this, he gets these items, she gets these items, the house will be sold and the proceeds will be divided as follows, etc….what people fail to take into consideration is that there are emotions involved. And when emotions are involved, things can get ugly. People need to allow themselves time to grieve. They need to process all the different emotions that they feel before they can move on. R used to question all the time why I couldn’t behave or speak rationally when I was upset about some. I think he forgot that when emotions are involved, rationality goes out the window.
I know from my own experience, after having thrown myself into the grieving process on purpose, at first I was very numb. I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want to feel the pain that was sure to come. After about four days, I finally broke down and cried. I wasn’t bargaining with the Universe. I was, however, crying and crying and asking how it got to that point. I couldn’t understand how things had gotten to be so bad that I had to remove myself from the situation. Was the pain of the grieving process less than the pain of the situation, or vice versa? I was so torn and conflicted. Part of me wanted to go back to the situation because it was what I knew and loved. I just didn’t want the situation to be the same situation that it was. And the other part of me was screaming no no no just stay strong. I’ve found that when I don’t know what to do, it’s better to do nothing. Or cry myself to sleep, whichever comes first. Regardless, as I found myself wavering and as I found myself questioning my decision and as I found myself wanting to run full speed back to the situation, I kept telling myself that it would pass. I kept telling myself that I had to walk through the fire. I kept telling myself that it was for the best. I kept telling myself that the pain would pass. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t kill me. I keep telling myself that if that person was supposed to remain in my life, then the situation would change.
Some people don’t understand the idea of inner conflict. It may just be a woman thing because Terry Hatcher wrote about it in her book “Burnt Toast”. I think very few people truly understood how conflicted I was. It felt like my arm had been cut off. You’ve heard the saying “a piece of me was missing”? That’s how I felt. In addition to feeling the loss, I was grieving. And in addition to grieving, I was still in love with him. So what did I do? Nothing. I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, then it would be.
Have you ever thrown yourself into the grieving process purposely? Did it make it any easier knowing that it was your choice to do so? Is there an order to the steps? Is it possible to feel everything all at once? How did it turn out?
Monday, August 18, 2008
Quote of the Day
The thing that sucks the most is I have so much I want to share with you because you're the only one who would understand that which is deep and dark within me just trying to burst free...and you're not here. The thing that sucks the most is you were my best friend and my worst enemy and now you're gone. The thing that sucks the most is I forget this...and then I reach for the phone to tell you my news...and I remember I can't call you. The thing that sucks the most is I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. The thing that sucks the most is I miss you and I can't tell you. The thing that sucks the most is...all of this.
---Unknown
---Unknown
The aftermath of a painful breakup….what men don’t know.
My best friend and her boyfriend broke up on Thursday. Their relationship was one that was passionate and intense…and completely dysfunctional. Never a dull moment with those two, ya know. They would break up and get back together, break up and get back together, break up and get back together. When they fought it was intense and when they loved it was intense. Something always kept them coming back to each other.
Anyway, she changed her cell number. She said that’s it, she’s done. Now he can’t contact her, now when her phone rings she won’t be running for it thinking it’s him. Now she can start to heal and get on with her life. She came over this weekend and I was so proud of her. She had started reading this book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. She was talking about the plans and goals and things that she was doing with her kids and how he just wasn’t the one for her because he wasn’t interested in being a part of a family unit and was basically too selfish to even be in a relationship with her.
Then Saturday night I get a hysterical voice message from her saying she caved and called him (blocked) and now she knows he with someone else. I asked her how does she know he’s with someone else? She said because when she was talking to him, trying to get him to understand her point of view, he was saying he doesn’t care. I asked her how that means that he’s with someone else. She said she just ASSumed. Yea. So I talk her down, reminding her of how fabulous she is and that he’s probably missing her so much he can’t even begin to look for another woman, how he loves her just as much as she loves him, but that she needs to get herself straight and maybe when she’s on that road then she’ll realize that he’s not the one for her.
Cool. Right?
First thing this morning she texts me asking me if she should text him with her new number in case he has an emergency and needs to get a hold of her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Girlfriend, what emergency could he possibly have that he would call her instead of his family for? She was once again hysterical. She was bargaining with herself, playing games with herself, and basically not being honest with herself.
And how do I know? Because I've been there. I let my emotions control my common sense. I remember the feeling of horror I would get, the weight on my chest, the upset stomach, the uncontrollable tears, the see-saw between self-confidence and self-doubt. I remember texting him because I was too scared to pick up the phone but I just wanted to know that he cared. And any attention was better than no attention. I remember praying and begging the Universe for this man that I love so much to pay attention to me. I remember waking up and first thing thinking about him. I remember thinking about this man 1000+ times a day. I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I would never be in his arms again or see him smile or kiss him or smell him. And I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed with him and continued on that on-again, off-again roller coaster of emotions that gave me constant heartburn.
Men are so quick to say how they are different than women, yet why do they expect us to deal with things the way they do? When we love someone so much and we’re faced with the thought of losing them or staying with them and things being awful forever, it destroys us. We cry. We yell. We beg and plead and make bargains and do what it takes to keep them. We lose ourselves. We lose all common sense and we lose the ability to think rationally. We stop talking to our friends because we’re sick and tired of hearing them bad mouth this man we love and we’re sick of talking about it because we’re sick of hearing ourselves talk about it. We make excuses for our men because we love them so much and to bad talk them makes us look like we have poor judgment.
And then we reach a point where we just shut down. We do whatever it takes to get through it. We refuse to talk about it because talking about it puts it in our head and if it’s in our head then we have to deal with it. And we’re not ready to deal with it yet. So we ignore it.
Sounds crazy right? We’re not. And that’s the thing. I spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me and that I’m the only person in the world who has ever acted like this. But the funny thing is, the only ones I hear calling women crazy ARE MEN. Tell your story to another woman, and she’ll more than likely cry with you. She’ll know how to get you through it because she was there at some point in her life.
So are we crazy? No. We’re just in love and we’re hurting and we’re torn and confused and we’re scared. But crazy? No.
Anyway, she changed her cell number. She said that’s it, she’s done. Now he can’t contact her, now when her phone rings she won’t be running for it thinking it’s him. Now she can start to heal and get on with her life. She came over this weekend and I was so proud of her. She had started reading this book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. She was talking about the plans and goals and things that she was doing with her kids and how he just wasn’t the one for her because he wasn’t interested in being a part of a family unit and was basically too selfish to even be in a relationship with her.
Then Saturday night I get a hysterical voice message from her saying she caved and called him (blocked) and now she knows he with someone else. I asked her how does she know he’s with someone else? She said because when she was talking to him, trying to get him to understand her point of view, he was saying he doesn’t care. I asked her how that means that he’s with someone else. She said she just ASSumed. Yea. So I talk her down, reminding her of how fabulous she is and that he’s probably missing her so much he can’t even begin to look for another woman, how he loves her just as much as she loves him, but that she needs to get herself straight and maybe when she’s on that road then she’ll realize that he’s not the one for her.
Cool. Right?
First thing this morning she texts me asking me if she should text him with her new number in case he has an emergency and needs to get a hold of her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Girlfriend, what emergency could he possibly have that he would call her instead of his family for? She was once again hysterical. She was bargaining with herself, playing games with herself, and basically not being honest with herself.
And how do I know? Because I've been there. I let my emotions control my common sense. I remember the feeling of horror I would get, the weight on my chest, the upset stomach, the uncontrollable tears, the see-saw between self-confidence and self-doubt. I remember texting him because I was too scared to pick up the phone but I just wanted to know that he cared. And any attention was better than no attention. I remember praying and begging the Universe for this man that I love so much to pay attention to me. I remember waking up and first thing thinking about him. I remember thinking about this man 1000+ times a day. I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I would never be in his arms again or see him smile or kiss him or smell him. And I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed with him and continued on that on-again, off-again roller coaster of emotions that gave me constant heartburn.
Men are so quick to say how they are different than women, yet why do they expect us to deal with things the way they do? When we love someone so much and we’re faced with the thought of losing them or staying with them and things being awful forever, it destroys us. We cry. We yell. We beg and plead and make bargains and do what it takes to keep them. We lose ourselves. We lose all common sense and we lose the ability to think rationally. We stop talking to our friends because we’re sick and tired of hearing them bad mouth this man we love and we’re sick of talking about it because we’re sick of hearing ourselves talk about it. We make excuses for our men because we love them so much and to bad talk them makes us look like we have poor judgment.
And then we reach a point where we just shut down. We do whatever it takes to get through it. We refuse to talk about it because talking about it puts it in our head and if it’s in our head then we have to deal with it. And we’re not ready to deal with it yet. So we ignore it.
Sounds crazy right? We’re not. And that’s the thing. I spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me and that I’m the only person in the world who has ever acted like this. But the funny thing is, the only ones I hear calling women crazy ARE MEN. Tell your story to another woman, and she’ll more than likely cry with you. She’ll know how to get you through it because she was there at some point in her life.
So are we crazy? No. We’re just in love and we’re hurting and we’re torn and confused and we’re scared. But crazy? No.
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