It takes a village to raise a child

Last year I received a phone call from one of my girlfriends who was completely hysterical. At the time, her and her boyfriend were living together. She was on his computer and came across some disturbing porn that he had in a folder on his desktop. Photos that consisted of naked children in sexual poses. Photos that consisted of said naked children doing things with animals. It seems that when she confronted him on it, he became enraged at her “snooping” and basically shoved her into the dresser, where she cracked her head on the corner. Then he left.

The most disturbing part of the whole scenario was not that she was upset at the photos, but that she was upset because he left her. Wow. Did I forget to mention that the children in the photos she found were of similar age to her daughter? I don’t know, I think as a mother I would be hysterical at discovering that the man I was in love with, the man I was living with, the man that was around my child on a daily basis, had photos of that sort. The question is, who is more to blame? The photographer who took the photos, the person who was viewing them, or said girlfriend who stayed with him in spite of the photos. Talk about not protecting your child from dangers that may exist.

I have another friend who ended a 20+ year friendship with his best friend after discovering that his best friend was hitting on a girl who was 18, an age close to my friend’s daughter’s age. No, the ex-best friend didn’t do anything sexual with the girl (it all blew up in the press and actually cost him his job), and yes, the girl was 18, but the man was in his 30’s and should have known better. I’m sure it was a difficult decision for my friend to make, ending the friendship as he did. I mean, they had been friends since high school. They worked together. The friend was as much a part of the family as his actual family was. My friend explained it to me like this: if he was trying to date a girl that was close to my daughter’s age, a date that would have led to something sexual, how could I trust him around my daughter. Point well made.

Ironically, in this instance, it wasn’t the girl who was being hit on that had the problem. From what I understand, she was quite willing to go out with this guy. I mean, honestly, what teenager wouldn’t be flattered by the attention of an older man, a man who was already well established in his career, owned his own home, and basically was “so much more mature” that the 18-year-old boys who normally asked her out. No, it was one of the girl’s friends who saw the problem with this and told the girl’s family, who happened to be quite politically connected and, well, cost this man his job.

I remember when I was 18. Most of my friends had become strippers. Hey, it was easy money, they got to play dress up (and dress off) and they got to feel beautiful. You have no idea how badly I wanted to do it too. Fortunately, I had an adult in my life who insisted that taking my clothes off was something that I would regret when I got older. I was pretty pissed at the time, but then I got a job at a 5 star hotel and realized that I’d rather be a career woman. I can tell you, looking back, I’m glad that I had an adult in my life looking out for me. I would have regretted it. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to know that taking your clothes off in any manner is a very personal decision that can’t be made in the spur of the moment. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to realize that the things that I did then I would be haunted by now.

So you may ask why have I taken my clothes off to model? Well, I’m 32 years old. The circumstances in which I have taken my clothes off are circumstances in which I have weighed the decision very carefully. I’m also mature enough to know that the difference. And I thank that person who, 14 years ago, convinced me to wait until I was mature enough to do something of that sort.

Let me tell you another story from when I was 18, a story of another adult who didn’t care how old (or young) I was, and had no problem suggesting, or attempting to encourage some behavior that, if I had done it, I would still be regretting now.

Prior to my hotel job, I worked for a very small place. There was the owner, me (the secretary), a full time employee and two part-time employees. We were more like a family that anything else. Or so I thought. One day the owner (who was quite older than me) asked me if I wanted to run errands with him downtown. Shoot, anything to get out of work, right?! We went to the City, ran our errands, and then stopped at a great little pizza place for lunch. It was there that he gave me a couple glasses of beer. Now, I was certainly no stranger to alcohol, but it was quite different when an adult (and not someone just barely 21) was giving it to me. But whatever. I drank up. It was then, on our way home, that he made the proposition that I will never forget.

See, I was a single mom. My angel girl was just a few months old. I was barely scraping by to pay the bills and take care of her. Seeing all this, he made me this offer: he would take care of me financially (i.e. I would never want for anything again) and all I had to do was have sex with him when he wanted to. Hmmmm…what a deal right? At the time, I would have done practically anything to provide for my child. Life was a struggle and I hated it. But I said no. I said no because I wasn’t attracted to him. And not for any other reason that that. See what I mean about not having the brains to make informed decisions when you’re 18? Of course, now I look back and I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of what I could have done if only he were a little bit more attractive. Thank god I was shallow even then huh.

My point in all this is that teenagers will do most anything. I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, in trying to explain the dangers that are out there to my angel girl. She recently made a very bad decision that could have been a whole lot worse. My ex thinks punishing her is the right thing to do. I think that educating her is what needs to be done in order to prevent her from making a similar decision in the future. My next door neighbor offered to discuss things with her. My girlfriends have spoken with her. It is really and truly taking a village to raise this child of mine. I want her making smart decisions and not doing something that she’s going to regret in the future.

Now, back to my friends. My girlfriend ended up staying with her boyfriend BECAUSE SHE LOVED HIM. She is now in a custody battle for her daughter. My other friend hasn’t spoken to his ex-best friend at all, and this occurred years ago. He couldn’t stomach what his friend did, and made the very difficult decision of walking away from the friendship in order to take a stand for his daughter. Was it extreme? Some say yes. I say that when you become a parent, there are certain things that become a no-no. I also say that when you become a certain age, certain age groups become a no-no as well.

It takes a village to raise a child, and adults need to be conscientious of the things that they do, whether improper or not, because as an adult they need to set examples for these teenagers and guide them and teach them so that the decisions they make will benefit them.