Learning to love myself (again)

One of my friends asked me why I’m not waiting until I get my boob job done (in November) to model nude. It was kind of hard to explain to her my reasons, but the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me.

See, me getting a boob job was something that I had promised myself I’d do once I was done having babies and once I was in a position financially to pay for it. I’ve always been a petite woman. I mean, even at my “heaviest” post-pregnancy nursing weight I was only 125. My normal size is a 1 and my chest has gotten smaller after each child and weight loss. While it was an issue with me, it wasn’t serious enough to cause me any distress. After all, I’m a beautiful woman who has a lot to offer anyone in my life. Gosh that seems like a lifetime ago that I felt that way.

Today I try to avoid looking in the mirror. I can’t face the woman that I’ve become. And because I’m not happy with the woman that I am on the inside, I can’t seem to appreciate the woman that I am on the outside. I’m not going to list my faults or even the reason that I feel the way I do. All I know is that going up three bra sizes isn’t going to make a difference in how I view myself unless I fix my way of thinking.

In order to do that, I have to learn to love the woman that I am now, today. So I set up a photo shoot with an artist, posing nude, for next weekend. I look at myself nude and learn to love me, all of me. After a two week break to deal with household and family matters, I’m going back to the gym with a vengeance starting tonight. I’m still not smoking but watching what I eat so the weight that I’m gaining is healthy weight and not nasty fat. I’m keeping busy and taking care of me. I’m spending time with my friends and cleaning my house and selling things I don’t need. I’m telling myself one positive thing each day. And, I’m ashamed to say, I’m not dealing with something that I simply am not strong enough to deal with right now. That’s right. The queen of “ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away” is actually ignoring dealing with something.

I’m learning to love myself again. It’s been three days but I’m doing it, one step at a time. I feel myself grow stronger and happier with each passing day. I’m taking care of me and learning to care about how I look again. I’m starting to hold my head up high. I’m not avoiding eye contact. I smile when someone smiles at me. And maybe, in time, I’ll be in a place where I can deal with this painful thing that I’m purposely not dealing with right now.

But for now, it’s baby steps for me.