What’s On my Mind Today….Grieving for a Loss

It’s been said that there are 5 stages to grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I’ve also heard that there are 3 stages to grief:

1. Numbness
2. Disorganization
3. Reorganization

I was 15 when my great-grandma died and I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. She passed on a Saturday and I was scheduled to sing at church the next day so no one told me until after church Sunday. That still upsets me, but I suppose the adults in my life at the time were more concerned with me singing at church than how losing my great-grandma would affect me…yet another reason why I boycott the Church. Anyway….I remember not believing them (I had just visited her in the nursing home a few days prior). I remember being really really sad. I also remember finally accepting it. I don’t recall the anger or the bargaining, I think I realized that begging god to bring her back or making deals with him simply wouldn’t work.

I did divorce litigation for a lot of years, and I can say without a doubt that the stages of grief are involved there, although most people are too emotional at the time to recognize it. It doesn’t surprise me that the divorces that are supposed to be so simple (uncontested) can turn into some of the nastiest and drawn out processes. And why? Because even though everything is all neat and tidy on paper….visitation schedule is like this, he gets these items, she gets these items, the house will be sold and the proceeds will be divided as follows, etc….what people fail to take into consideration is that there are emotions involved. And when emotions are involved, things can get ugly. People need to allow themselves time to grieve. They need to process all the different emotions that they feel before they can move on. R used to question all the time why I couldn’t behave or speak rationally when I was upset about some. I think he forgot that when emotions are involved, rationality goes out the window.

I know from my own experience, after having thrown myself into the grieving process on purpose, at first I was very numb. I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want to feel the pain that was sure to come. After about four days, I finally broke down and cried. I wasn’t bargaining with the Universe. I was, however, crying and crying and asking how it got to that point. I couldn’t understand how things had gotten to be so bad that I had to remove myself from the situation. Was the pain of the grieving process less than the pain of the situation, or vice versa? I was so torn and conflicted. Part of me wanted to go back to the situation because it was what I knew and loved. I just didn’t want the situation to be the same situation that it was. And the other part of me was screaming no no no just stay strong. I’ve found that when I don’t know what to do, it’s better to do nothing. Or cry myself to sleep, whichever comes first. Regardless, as I found myself wavering and as I found myself questioning my decision and as I found myself wanting to run full speed back to the situation, I kept telling myself that it would pass. I kept telling myself that I had to walk through the fire. I kept telling myself that it was for the best. I kept telling myself that the pain would pass. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t kill me. I keep telling myself that if that person was supposed to remain in my life, then the situation would change.

Some people don’t understand the idea of inner conflict. It may just be a woman thing because Terry Hatcher wrote about it in her book “Burnt Toast”. I think very few people truly understood how conflicted I was. It felt like my arm had been cut off. You’ve heard the saying “a piece of me was missing”? That’s how I felt. In addition to feeling the loss, I was grieving. And in addition to grieving, I was still in love with him. So what did I do? Nothing. I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, then it would be.

Have you ever thrown yourself into the grieving process purposely? Did it make it any easier knowing that it was your choice to do so? Is there an order to the steps? Is it possible to feel everything all at once? How did it turn out?