Broken Hearts and Healing and Three Steps Back

I think it’s weird how you can be going along in your life just fine…doing things that make you happy…keeping busy….surrounding yourself with people who love you…and then BAM!!!!!...sadness hits you like a ton of bricks. I’ve been doing a lot of running lately. Or shall we say hiding. I’ve been hiding from my feelings. I don’t want to feel. I want to be happy. I don’t want to be sad. I want to have girls’ nights and wear high heels and do photo shoots and watch football and dance to Go Cubs Go. The last thing I want to do is cry.

And today I’m crying. I feel like such a fool. I did the one thing that I KNEW I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO DO!!!! There’s one person in this entire world who can get under my skin. He can find his way around all walls of defense I have built up. He is the only person who I’ve been completely and totally and utterly myself with. And you know what? He doesn’t like myself anymore. I’m not good enough according to him. But oh gawd do I want the man that I fell in love with…the man from my memories. And so when he talks to me and says be my friend and we’ll start slow and we’ll have fun and this and that….I can feel my resolve weakening. I can feel the yearning that I’ve drunk into numbness fighting to come out.

And then he does the flip and tells me I’m a lesser person and a horrible person and a miserable person. I can’t really get mad at him though. I mean, this is him. This is who he is. No. The person I’m mad at is myself. I know better. I know that in order to remain happy and in order to not cry…I have to stay away. No contact. No nothing.

It’s hard. And today I feel like all the progress I’ve made has become undone. I want to go home and crawl into bed and hide.

I have some amazing people in my life, and the Universe seems to know what I need before I even need it, and I’m truly blessed. They aren’t letting me crawl back into myself. They’re not sitting here telling me what an idiot I am for talking to him. They don’t tell me that I’m doing this to myself. They would be correct if they did, because it’s true. I am doing it to myself. I want to heal, but I don’t want to let go. He’s unhealthy for me. He’s bad for me. Communicating with him is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette.

I let him break me once, twice, I don’t know how many times. I don’t want to be broken anymore. What do I want? I want my sweet man back. And since that’s impossible, I want my brain and my heart to understand that he isn’t ever going to be my sweet man again.

I guess taking three steps back is what I needed to do…life was moving really fast and I wasn’t dealing with things. I admittedly was hiding from my feelings. I don’t like to hurt. I don’t like to cry. But I think in order for me to be complete I need to get a move on and process these feelings. And then….maybe I’ll be whole.