It’s funny how since The Breakup I’ve been keeping myself insanely busy. At first it was because I had stopped doing the things I wanted to do, and when I suddenly found myself with a whole bunch of free time, I went a bit buck-wild. After the first couple weeks the numbness wore off and I continued to stay busy in order to not think of Him or feel the pain. We’ve been broken up for two months, and tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of when I sold my soul to the devil, and as I sit here reflecting on the different feelings I have regarding the situation, I think it’s time I stop running and just deal with it.
After two months of out of sight, I spent the other night with Him. Foolish? No. I think it was what I needed to do. Of course, ask any one of my boys (and a couple of my gf’s) and they will say I’m an idiot. But who listens to them anyway…I’m a stubborn Irish lass with a mind of her own! Sometimes I sit back and take note of all the things going on in my life right now, and I realize I’m not the same woman who fell in love with Him. The other night made me realize…Christ almighty…I can let Him go. We don’t work. And it’s not because we don’t want to work. Of course we love one another. Of course we feel comfortable with one another. Of course we have amazing, err, conversations with one another. But Him and I, we come from different worlds. So in my own gentle way, I told him goodbye yesterday.
But oh goodness I really don’t want to date. I mean, I DO want to date, but I honestly hate the process. It’s fun getting to know a person, but what sucks is weeding out the losers. Sucks sucks sucks. I know I am a difficult person to be in a relationship with. I mean, I seriously am so full of contradictions that it will take a VERY strong man to be with me. For instance…..I’m a tree hugging do-gooder liberal feminist. I’m also a label whore. I model nude. I love shoes and shopping. I like to wear wild eyeshadow colors. I don't have a specific genre of dress because I like to wear everything...and nothing. Sometimes I want to hit the bars, sometimes I want to stay home. I love football. I love to cook. I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Wiccan…I take a little bit from everything and apply it to my life…essentially I’m the creator of my own spiritual path. I read Tarot cards. I shop at the Christian bookstore and at the Occult Bookstore. I love all things Celtic. I want to travel. I want to be rich. I don’t pay too much attention to politics, but damn you if you’re going to tell me what to do to my body or with my life I’ll fight you to the death. I’m loyal…get it…I DON’T CHEAT. But if you cheat on me, or are suspected of cheating on me, or are accused of cheating on me….I’ll never forgive you…or forget. I’m emotional always and rarely logical or rational. I live my life based on my feelings or emotions or intuition. I truly march to the beat of my own drum. And most men can’t handle me. They fall in love with my vivacious personality and my free spirit, and then they get insecure and try to control me.
So why am I afraid to date? Because I lead with my heart. I want to be jaded and have up my defenses and guards and walls, but it goes against my nature so I can’t. And I just don’t want to get hurt or have my spirit crushed. I don’t want someone to say fuck you to me or call me a cunt or laugh at me because I say I’m going to take ballet lessons. I don’t want someone to criticize me or manipulate me into feeling insecure or look at me like I’m stupid because I don’t understand the economy or really care to. When I say I want to pay off my debt and retire to Ireland and grow/raise my own food, I don’t want to be laughed at. Encourage me. Support me. I don’t care if you agree with me, just don’t try and crush my dreams because they don’t coincide with yours.
And for those reasons…I believe that I will stay single for a very very long time. I have my boys. I have my girlfriends. I have my kids. I have my hobbies and my career and my own money and, honestly, if I want sex, well….as my girlfriend said to me…I’m a grown woman and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do what I want….
It’s my life…ya know? This is me…this is who I am….and as I embrace myself…I say fuck you if you don’t like me…you don’t need to be in my life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment