Status of My Journey….Day Two

I often embark on these paths of self-improvement. I think it’s important to take an inventory of yourself and see what you can improve on. We’re constantly changing and what may have worked for us in the past may not work for us now. I can quite honestly say that this journey that I’ve begun is one that has me pretty scared. I’m afraid not only of failing, but I’m afraid that I’m going to give away my power yet again. Part of me is afraid that I’m going to lose myself and turn into a woman that the One I love isn’t going to want (ha, how’s that going to be different than now, right). Most importantly, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find balance. I’m a bit manic (i.e. totally intense), and happy mediums aren’t something that I’m familiar with. I’m usually at one extreme or the other. So this is really going to be tough in a lot of ways, but I’m not one who lets fear hold her back.

My inspiration for this journey is the One that I love. While he is not my reason for the change in myself that I’m trying to bring about, he is my inspiration. Since the Breakup, I’ve kept myself insanely busy with my kids, my career, my friends, photoshoots and the gym. For some reason I could not fall asleep the other night, and once I finally did, I was, as is usual, tortured with dreams of Him. I woke up at around 2 a.m. and laid awake for 3 hours, tossing and turning in my bed and in my mind. That night I was more tortured than usual, as an image of his face from something I said to him while we were in Pittsburgh, almost two years ago, kept replaying through my mind. I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the image in my brain or if it was just the moment that I finally learned this particular lesson that the Universe had been trying to teach me, but that’s when I decided I can’t do it like that anymore.

Last night I was talking to the Angel Girl, mom to not-a-girl-but-not-yet-a-woman, and I explained to her where I’m at, the decision that I made, and how badly I hurt the One that I love. I told her how it started all those years ago, when my visions of fairytales and happily after evers were interrupted by a cheating boyfriend, and that since that time, when I was not too much older than she is now, I learned to hate males and to do what it takes to protect myself. I told her about the One that I love, and shared some things that she didn’t know. I think it’s important to say that she no longer looks at him as a monster who hurt her mom beyond repair, and while I didn’t excuse any of the things that he and I put each other through this past year, I did make it clear how badly I hurt the One who only wanted to love me in the beginning. I sat there with tears in my eyes, telling her how I don’t want her to wait until she’s 33 to learn this lesson, and that she needs to try so hard not to lump all males into the same box, and to look at each person as an individual, and not to punish all future males because of the hurt that was caused by one in her past. I very honestly told her how I’m learning to change because it’s what I need to do for me, but also that I have hopes of winning the love of the One that I love back, and to somehow gain his forgiveness and TRUST again.

Life still goes on, you know, and looking at me no one would know what goes on in my head. One could think that I’m pretty shallow, but when I think, I think deeply. When I feel, I feel strongly. And while I’m hoping that it’s not too late to save and reignite the most beautiful love that He and I have ever known, whatever happens I’m going to stop hating, and hurting, men.