Dear Men:
Look, we love you. We admire you, we cherish you and we know how smart you are. But let's face it. You don't think the way us women do. So when we make a suggestion of something sweet that you could do for us, we're not trying to control you. We're not trying to dictate your life and we certainly aren't trying to manipulate you. We just know, as women do, that you won't think of it on your own. It's not that you don't care about us. It's not that you're stupid. It's just that you men rarely think on an emotional level. So that's why we try to help you along by offering suggestions of what you can do. Instead of taking offense and puffing out your chest (because we already know and appreciate that you are the strong handsome man), maybe you could just do it. I mean, we already know you would have thought of it yourself if you didn't have all these other more important issues on your mind.
Remember, keeping your woman happy will ultimately keep you happy. Then we won't pout and make your life miserable. Because really, we just want to be shown how much you love us and how much we mean to you. That's all. So do us a favor (and yourselves) and be sweet to us. Trust me. The appreciation that you get from us may just make you lay back and say "oh yes".
Love always,
Women
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Stubbornness and Suspicians
Dictionary.com defines stubbornness as being “…fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute…” Have you even known anyone like that? Someone who has it in their head that a situation is a certain way and nothing that they see or hear is going to change their mind? I used to be like that.
As a matter of fact, there was a situation one time that I was convinced happened exactly the way that I thought it did, and nothing was going to change my mind. Someone had told me a story about my boyfriend and I was absolutely 100% convinced that it was true. And of course, me being the analytical person that I am, I was able to find all the “evidence” that I needed to tie into this story that I was told. Of course, I was wrong. There was no “evidence”, just some poor choices made by my boyfriend as he tried to protect me and some creative imagination on my part. But I held on to that story. Boy did I. I swore that it was the truth and he had done this atrocity and nothing he said was going to change my mind. When I think back to all the time I wasted being mad at him for something that he didn’t do, and I was too stupid to believe him, it makes me sick. Yes, my stubbornness almost cost me my relationship.
I used to be a really jaded person. I didn’t believe anything that my boyfriend told me and was punishing him for everything that had ever been done to me. And when he did make an actual screw-up, well dammit I was so hard on him that he felt he had to be perfect. I expected perfection from him, but I told him that he had to accept me for who I am. What a hypocrite I was. There is something that he said to me that I will always remember and I try to live by. He told me that I have to stop thinking the worst of him. If I just automatically assume the best of him, then things will be right.
I had to learn not to be so stubborn. I had to remind myself over and over again that things are not always as they appear. I had to get myself out of lawyer-mode (interrogator/suspicious mode) and take what a person says to me as being the truth. I had to tell myself that if this person loves me, then they aren’t lying to me. I had to stop accusing them and thinking the worst of them. And I had to always assume the best from my boyfriend, even if things made no sense to me.
As a matter of fact, there was a situation one time that I was convinced happened exactly the way that I thought it did, and nothing was going to change my mind. Someone had told me a story about my boyfriend and I was absolutely 100% convinced that it was true. And of course, me being the analytical person that I am, I was able to find all the “evidence” that I needed to tie into this story that I was told. Of course, I was wrong. There was no “evidence”, just some poor choices made by my boyfriend as he tried to protect me and some creative imagination on my part. But I held on to that story. Boy did I. I swore that it was the truth and he had done this atrocity and nothing he said was going to change my mind. When I think back to all the time I wasted being mad at him for something that he didn’t do, and I was too stupid to believe him, it makes me sick. Yes, my stubbornness almost cost me my relationship.
I used to be a really jaded person. I didn’t believe anything that my boyfriend told me and was punishing him for everything that had ever been done to me. And when he did make an actual screw-up, well dammit I was so hard on him that he felt he had to be perfect. I expected perfection from him, but I told him that he had to accept me for who I am. What a hypocrite I was. There is something that he said to me that I will always remember and I try to live by. He told me that I have to stop thinking the worst of him. If I just automatically assume the best of him, then things will be right.
I had to learn not to be so stubborn. I had to remind myself over and over again that things are not always as they appear. I had to get myself out of lawyer-mode (interrogator/suspicious mode) and take what a person says to me as being the truth. I had to tell myself that if this person loves me, then they aren’t lying to me. I had to stop accusing them and thinking the worst of them. And I had to always assume the best from my boyfriend, even if things made no sense to me.
Cowards and Agendas and Saints
Dear spreadtheword3:
I personally want to thank you for butting into my business. And I really want to thank you for forwarding me the emails that you shared with the man that I loved, showing me all the cruel words that he spoke of me and letting me know what his REAL opinion of me is. I find it ironic that you say you come because of God, yet your actions are that of someone with an agenda. If I believed in God, I would have to think that God is of the loving nature. And if God is of the loving nature, then would he want you to do something to another that would cause them pain? Emotional pain, yes, but pain none the less.
See, I was on the road to recovery. I was healing just fine and was ready to get on with my life. And every time you felt the need to send me an email it just reopened wounds that were starting to heal. Now I have no freaking clue what you did yesterday to him. But whatever you did, it must have been something to set him off on the writing rampage that he is on to destroy me.
For some reason he thinks that I am you. And I am led to believe that you are him, or at least one of his family members. I find it quite ironic that I spoke to no one about he and I having another falling out. I thought it was just another spat and we’d get over it, like we always do. So no one, none of my friends, no one in my family, no one that I work with, NO ONE knew that he and I were at odds. And yet, I get a forwarded email from you, spreadtheword, where you quote some of my words, and to make it worse, you say that I told you these words. Well, guess what. I only said those words to one person, and that is him. So wherever you’re getting your information from, at least be upfront about it.
I will say that I have to agree with him. You are quite the coward. And to do so in the name of God is quite scandalous. But whatever your intent was, in the end it’ll come out. You can’t hurt me anymore because I simply don’t care anymore. So, if that was your mission, you have succeeded. Bravo.
I personally want to thank you for butting into my business. And I really want to thank you for forwarding me the emails that you shared with the man that I loved, showing me all the cruel words that he spoke of me and letting me know what his REAL opinion of me is. I find it ironic that you say you come because of God, yet your actions are that of someone with an agenda. If I believed in God, I would have to think that God is of the loving nature. And if God is of the loving nature, then would he want you to do something to another that would cause them pain? Emotional pain, yes, but pain none the less.
See, I was on the road to recovery. I was healing just fine and was ready to get on with my life. And every time you felt the need to send me an email it just reopened wounds that were starting to heal. Now I have no freaking clue what you did yesterday to him. But whatever you did, it must have been something to set him off on the writing rampage that he is on to destroy me.
For some reason he thinks that I am you. And I am led to believe that you are him, or at least one of his family members. I find it quite ironic that I spoke to no one about he and I having another falling out. I thought it was just another spat and we’d get over it, like we always do. So no one, none of my friends, no one in my family, no one that I work with, NO ONE knew that he and I were at odds. And yet, I get a forwarded email from you, spreadtheword, where you quote some of my words, and to make it worse, you say that I told you these words. Well, guess what. I only said those words to one person, and that is him. So wherever you’re getting your information from, at least be upfront about it.
I will say that I have to agree with him. You are quite the coward. And to do so in the name of God is quite scandalous. But whatever your intent was, in the end it’ll come out. You can’t hurt me anymore because I simply don’t care anymore. So, if that was your mission, you have succeeded. Bravo.
The Line
There are a lot of hypothetical lines....the line between fact and fiction, the line between love and hate, the line between what is forgivable and what isn't, the line between sticking up for yourself and being cruel.....
Let's take the line between fact and fiction. Say there is a fight between a couple. The wife goes to her girlfriends and tells them all about the fight, from her point of view of course. The husband goes to his friends and family and tells them all about the fight, from his point of view. Each point of view is told in such a way that it makes the person telling it look like the victim and the other party a monster. So is each story a fact? Or is it fiction? I've heard it said that there are three sides to every story: my side, your side and the truth.
The line between love and hate is more difficult to discern. Each are both very passionate emotions. But is it possible to love someone and then turn around the next day and hate them just as much? I don't think it is.
Where do you draw the line between what is forgivable and what isn't? Can you forgive someone for hurting you? What if they hurt you over and over and over and over again? When do you stop and say I can't forgive you anymore? This is a tough one for me because I promote love and forgiveness. So when something happens, or a string of something happens, in my life, I can find it very hard to forgive a person. But I think what I'm discovering is that my lack of forgiveness would only hurt myself. So, therefore, I think I can forgive a person for almost anything, but I don't have to subject myself to this person's actions anymore.
The line between sticking up for myself and being cruel is one that I'm still struggling with, although not quite as bad as I once was. See, I was the one who always went on the offensive. I would tell a person about themselves before they had the opportunity to get me. But what I realized, eventually, is that all that did is alienate the ones that I love and make me seem like a horrible person. And I'm really not a horrible person, I just have a big mouth that opens before my brain can tell it to shut. On the other hand, if you let a person treat you like crap over and over again, and you just sit there and take it, that's wrong too. Your actions have to match your words. If you say you love someone, don't say horrible things to them or about them. If you say you aren't going to put up with this nonsense, then do not put up with it. And if a person can't treat you exactly as they expect you to treat them, then they don't need to be in your life.
Life is not always black and white. There really are a lot of shades of gray in there. Not every situation is the same, and not every person is the same. If you want someone to forgive you, you have to forgive them. If you want someone to treat you like they love you, you have to treat them with love. If you want someone to be kind to you, you have to be kind to them. And you can't react the same to every situation. Your opinion is not the only one that matters. And if you go off the deep end, you may do something that not only you will regret, but will cause irreparable harm to the relationship and to the other person. Think before you act. Think before you speak. And above all else, treat others as you wish to be treated.
Let's take the line between fact and fiction. Say there is a fight between a couple. The wife goes to her girlfriends and tells them all about the fight, from her point of view of course. The husband goes to his friends and family and tells them all about the fight, from his point of view. Each point of view is told in such a way that it makes the person telling it look like the victim and the other party a monster. So is each story a fact? Or is it fiction? I've heard it said that there are three sides to every story: my side, your side and the truth.
The line between love and hate is more difficult to discern. Each are both very passionate emotions. But is it possible to love someone and then turn around the next day and hate them just as much? I don't think it is.
Where do you draw the line between what is forgivable and what isn't? Can you forgive someone for hurting you? What if they hurt you over and over and over and over again? When do you stop and say I can't forgive you anymore? This is a tough one for me because I promote love and forgiveness. So when something happens, or a string of something happens, in my life, I can find it very hard to forgive a person. But I think what I'm discovering is that my lack of forgiveness would only hurt myself. So, therefore, I think I can forgive a person for almost anything, but I don't have to subject myself to this person's actions anymore.
The line between sticking up for myself and being cruel is one that I'm still struggling with, although not quite as bad as I once was. See, I was the one who always went on the offensive. I would tell a person about themselves before they had the opportunity to get me. But what I realized, eventually, is that all that did is alienate the ones that I love and make me seem like a horrible person. And I'm really not a horrible person, I just have a big mouth that opens before my brain can tell it to shut. On the other hand, if you let a person treat you like crap over and over again, and you just sit there and take it, that's wrong too. Your actions have to match your words. If you say you love someone, don't say horrible things to them or about them. If you say you aren't going to put up with this nonsense, then do not put up with it. And if a person can't treat you exactly as they expect you to treat them, then they don't need to be in your life.
Life is not always black and white. There really are a lot of shades of gray in there. Not every situation is the same, and not every person is the same. If you want someone to forgive you, you have to forgive them. If you want someone to treat you like they love you, you have to treat them with love. If you want someone to be kind to you, you have to be kind to them. And you can't react the same to every situation. Your opinion is not the only one that matters. And if you go off the deep end, you may do something that not only you will regret, but will cause irreparable harm to the relationship and to the other person. Think before you act. Think before you speak. And above all else, treat others as you wish to be treated.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Just one of those days
I should have known it by the anxiety attacks I was having on Monday, but I figured it was all the coffee and the Excedrin that I had taken that was making me so jittery.
Last night my knee popped out again, and this time I think I really did some damage to it. It's swollen and very difficult to walk, but I have it bandaged. I should have gone to the hospital but I couldn't get ahold of the only person with keys to my house and couldn't figure out how I was going to open the door if I called an ambulance. So I did something that I probably shouldn't have done and moved it back in place.....ugh. Funny how someone as weak stomached as I am has consistently been able to pop her kneecap back into place every time it pops out. I guess I'd rather take that quick pain than the inability to walk and the constant pain of a bone being where it shouldn't be. It's still gross though. The muscles there are already weak, and I've been trying to put off the surgery until next year, but it feels like I might have REALLY messed it up so I may have to have the surgery sooner than I wanted. I don't even want to go into all the reason that won't work for me. But whatever happens happens I guess.
This morning Cass texted me and said she has her court date tonight from when her and her friends got beat up by that boy last month. Of course I got no notification, so after the run around on the phone I finally was able to discover that yes indeed the boy has court tonight. Unfortunately it's at 6:00 so that means I have to skip my lunch and leave work early so that I can be there on time. I have no idea what I'm going to do with Tristan. I don't feel all that comfortable bringing him into a courtroom, but I guess I don't have any other option since I have no one to watch him.
Well, the good news is that it's Thursday. Today will fly by and tomorrow will be a breeze, and then I'll have a nice relaxing weekend that is drama free. I swear, all the dumb shit that I'm been focusing my energy on lately is wearing on me. I'm going to be a much happier person now that all the ignorant people are out of my life.
Last night my knee popped out again, and this time I think I really did some damage to it. It's swollen and very difficult to walk, but I have it bandaged. I should have gone to the hospital but I couldn't get ahold of the only person with keys to my house and couldn't figure out how I was going to open the door if I called an ambulance. So I did something that I probably shouldn't have done and moved it back in place.....ugh. Funny how someone as weak stomached as I am has consistently been able to pop her kneecap back into place every time it pops out. I guess I'd rather take that quick pain than the inability to walk and the constant pain of a bone being where it shouldn't be. It's still gross though. The muscles there are already weak, and I've been trying to put off the surgery until next year, but it feels like I might have REALLY messed it up so I may have to have the surgery sooner than I wanted. I don't even want to go into all the reason that won't work for me. But whatever happens happens I guess.
This morning Cass texted me and said she has her court date tonight from when her and her friends got beat up by that boy last month. Of course I got no notification, so after the run around on the phone I finally was able to discover that yes indeed the boy has court tonight. Unfortunately it's at 6:00 so that means I have to skip my lunch and leave work early so that I can be there on time. I have no idea what I'm going to do with Tristan. I don't feel all that comfortable bringing him into a courtroom, but I guess I don't have any other option since I have no one to watch him.
Well, the good news is that it's Thursday. Today will fly by and tomorrow will be a breeze, and then I'll have a nice relaxing weekend that is drama free. I swear, all the dumb shit that I'm been focusing my energy on lately is wearing on me. I'm going to be a much happier person now that all the ignorant people are out of my life.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
And Happy Wednesday
Halfway through the week, finally!!!! Surprisingly, though, the week has flown by. It may have something to do with the fact that Randy and I are back together, and every day with him is something I treasure.
I've started cooking again and I've even created another blog page that I'm posting some of my recipes on. It's fun and something different. The kids aren't so glad that I'm cooking, but they did like my oven fried chicken last night! I think they'd prefer to eat McDonalds every day of the week!
Oh well. Life is good, I'm happy, and I've found a new appreciation for the ones in my life.
I've started cooking again and I've even created another blog page that I'm posting some of my recipes on. It's fun and something different. The kids aren't so glad that I'm cooking, but they did like my oven fried chicken last night! I think they'd prefer to eat McDonalds every day of the week!
Oh well. Life is good, I'm happy, and I've found a new appreciation for the ones in my life.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Showing Your Appreciation
How often do we take the people in our life for granted? We go on about our days, rushing here and doing this and taking care of that. Do we let the ones we care about know how much they mean to us? Or do we take them for granted? Do we think that they know how important they are to us? Do we tell them?
When Randy and I first started dating, ours was a long distance relationship. It was hard because we would only see each other on the weekends. But the circumstances were what they were, so we had no choice but to make the best of it. When Saturday morning would come and he would walk in my door, the first thing I would do would be to go to him. We would stand there for a few minutes with our arms around each other, breathing in the scent of each other and letting the other know how much we missed them. He moved here to be with me 6 months into our relationship and somehow along the line I began to stop greeting him like that. Why? I think it was because I grew so accustomed to seeing him everyday. He drove 10 miles instead of 320 miles to see me. I began to take him for granted. I thought he knew how much I appreciated him, but yet I stopped telling him and I stopped showing him. A big mistake because then he had his doubts.
Do I tell my daughter how proud of her I am? How beautiful she is and what a good girl she is? I didn’t. Do I tell my son how smart he is? How he’s growing up to be such a big boy and how much I love him? I didn’t. Do I tell Randy how grateful I am that he’s in my life? How I know that he is a good man and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I didn’t. See, I had no problem telling everyone else these things, but I never would tell the ones who it would mean the most to. I would tell everybody that my daughter is a good girl, that my son is smart, and that Randy is a good man. But I wouldn’t tell them.
But now I do. Now, I tell my angel how proud of her I am. Now, I tell my son how smart he is. Now, I tell Randy how much I love him. And now, when I see him, I greet him with a hug and a kiss. Because he deserves to know how much I love him. My children deserve to know how grateful for them that I am.
Appreciating a person is one thing. Showing your appreciation is what really counts.
When Randy and I first started dating, ours was a long distance relationship. It was hard because we would only see each other on the weekends. But the circumstances were what they were, so we had no choice but to make the best of it. When Saturday morning would come and he would walk in my door, the first thing I would do would be to go to him. We would stand there for a few minutes with our arms around each other, breathing in the scent of each other and letting the other know how much we missed them. He moved here to be with me 6 months into our relationship and somehow along the line I began to stop greeting him like that. Why? I think it was because I grew so accustomed to seeing him everyday. He drove 10 miles instead of 320 miles to see me. I began to take him for granted. I thought he knew how much I appreciated him, but yet I stopped telling him and I stopped showing him. A big mistake because then he had his doubts.
Do I tell my daughter how proud of her I am? How beautiful she is and what a good girl she is? I didn’t. Do I tell my son how smart he is? How he’s growing up to be such a big boy and how much I love him? I didn’t. Do I tell Randy how grateful I am that he’s in my life? How I know that he is a good man and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I didn’t. See, I had no problem telling everyone else these things, but I never would tell the ones who it would mean the most to. I would tell everybody that my daughter is a good girl, that my son is smart, and that Randy is a good man. But I wouldn’t tell them.
But now I do. Now, I tell my angel how proud of her I am. Now, I tell my son how smart he is. Now, I tell Randy how much I love him. And now, when I see him, I greet him with a hug and a kiss. Because he deserves to know how much I love him. My children deserve to know how grateful for them that I am.
Appreciating a person is one thing. Showing your appreciation is what really counts.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Well, duh....
Patience. Dictionary.com describes it as...
...an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay...
Patience is definitely not one of my strong points. At times I've very childish in that I want what I want and I want it now. I don't want to wait. I hate the feeling of sitting here doing nothing and waiting for things to occur. But the thing that I just realized is that sometimes I'm so blinded by my impatience that I completely miss what is right in front of my face. HELLO!!!!! Wake up, Jenn!!!! I already got what I wanted. What in the world is there to be impatient about? If I keep saying well I want this and I want this, how can I be happy with and appreciate what I already have?
Sometimes, I really do miss the forest for the trees.
...an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay...
Patience is definitely not one of my strong points. At times I've very childish in that I want what I want and I want it now. I don't want to wait. I hate the feeling of sitting here doing nothing and waiting for things to occur. But the thing that I just realized is that sometimes I'm so blinded by my impatience that I completely miss what is right in front of my face. HELLO!!!!! Wake up, Jenn!!!! I already got what I wanted. What in the world is there to be impatient about? If I keep saying well I want this and I want this, how can I be happy with and appreciate what I already have?
Sometimes, I really do miss the forest for the trees.
What a Great Weekend '-)
After a rough week, Friday finally arrived. I should have known that it would have been a different sort of day because I woke up early that morning after having a very bizarre, yet realistic, dream. I came to work and had an email from my ex. Now, I always say that I'm going to delete his emails without reading them, but I never do because I always hoped that that one email would be the one I was waiting for. And my faith paid off because it was! We met for lunch and it was nice. He got a new "toy" and was showing me how it worked so that was interesting.
Friday night my girlfriend and I had dinner at Fogo de Chao. It's a Brazillian steakhouse and the experience was incredible. The food was the best that I've ever eaten and I left there feeling very full and very sleepy! Then she and I went to see a play entitled "The Night of the Iguana". It's based off of Tennessee Williams' poem of the same title. A guy that I work with was in it and Carla is my theatre buddy so that's why we chose that one. It was a good time.
Saturday I cleaned the house and then my friend Chris came to pick me up. We went to a Mexican restaurant had had dinner. The food wasn't all that great but the drinks were! Randy met us there and the waitress bought us all shots. As much as those men tried to goad me into taking it, I stood my ground and didn't. Then we went to the haunted house. Or rather, we tried to go to the haunted house. We fought our way through the maze of the parking lot and got in line. After standing in line for 2 hours we decided to leave since we weren't even halfway there. My daughter told me the next day that she stood in line for four hours before getting in so I'm glad that we left.
Sunday Randy and I went to breakfast and then chilled around the house watching football (our typical Sunday tradition). It was nice. He brought his guitar over and was playing and singing for me. He has a beautiful voice and plays very well. Then my brother came over for a little bit. After he left, Randy and I decided to go to the local forest preserve so he could take some photos. It was a nice experience because he is so passionate about his photography. He was explaining all these different things to me about good light and bad light and angles and things like that. I think he thought that I didn't care, but really it was just a lot of information for me to absorb. Most of the time, even if I don't understand what he's talking about I just like listening to him because of the wide range of knowledge that he has and his ability to make anything sound exciting.
So that's it. My weekend was great and it was a much needed break.
Friday night my girlfriend and I had dinner at Fogo de Chao. It's a Brazillian steakhouse and the experience was incredible. The food was the best that I've ever eaten and I left there feeling very full and very sleepy! Then she and I went to see a play entitled "The Night of the Iguana". It's based off of Tennessee Williams' poem of the same title. A guy that I work with was in it and Carla is my theatre buddy so that's why we chose that one. It was a good time.
Saturday I cleaned the house and then my friend Chris came to pick me up. We went to a Mexican restaurant had had dinner. The food wasn't all that great but the drinks were! Randy met us there and the waitress bought us all shots. As much as those men tried to goad me into taking it, I stood my ground and didn't. Then we went to the haunted house. Or rather, we tried to go to the haunted house. We fought our way through the maze of the parking lot and got in line. After standing in line for 2 hours we decided to leave since we weren't even halfway there. My daughter told me the next day that she stood in line for four hours before getting in so I'm glad that we left.
Sunday Randy and I went to breakfast and then chilled around the house watching football (our typical Sunday tradition). It was nice. He brought his guitar over and was playing and singing for me. He has a beautiful voice and plays very well. Then my brother came over for a little bit. After he left, Randy and I decided to go to the local forest preserve so he could take some photos. It was a nice experience because he is so passionate about his photography. He was explaining all these different things to me about good light and bad light and angles and things like that. I think he thought that I didn't care, but really it was just a lot of information for me to absorb. Most of the time, even if I don't understand what he's talking about I just like listening to him because of the wide range of knowledge that he has and his ability to make anything sound exciting.
So that's it. My weekend was great and it was a much needed break.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Currently Listening To....
It has always been one of my favorite songs, and this morning as I was driving to the train station I heard it on the radio. Enjoy.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I'm taking a break
I'm not going to be blogging on this for awhile. I need a break. The hardest thing to do is to live a life full of love and forgiveness when the one who taught you how to be that isn't living it himself. I am so tired of people telling me that I shouldn't do this or I shouldn't do that or that I'm a hypocrite or that I shouldn't forgive him or this or that. I live my life according to my beliefs and principles and I am not ashamed. And if that means that I forgive him every time he says a cruel word to me then so be it. If that means that I will continue to be in love with him then so be it. But for the first time I am shifting my focus of my love inward. See, it was never a matter of not loving myself because I have always loved myself. I just loved him first, before myself, and that is why I took so much of what I've gone through. But finally, finally I am going to love myself first. That doesn't mean that I love him any less or that I'm giving up hope. It simply means that I am putting myself first, my peace of mind first, healing my heart first. And if that means that I have to change my phone number to do so, then I will. And if that means that I won't open his emails, then I will. And if that means that I have to be alone for the next 30 years until he decides that he wants me, then I will. But whatever it is, no matter how long it takes, I will love myself first above anyone else. I will live a life full of love and forgiveness and my actions will meet my words.
But still, for now, I'm taking a break. This website is dedicated to him because I am his angel. And right now I need my peace. So I will still write, just not on here.
But still, for now, I'm taking a break. This website is dedicated to him because I am his angel. And right now I need my peace. So I will still write, just not on here.
Weird
I got a couple emails this morning from an unknown person telling me not to give up on My Love. At first I thought it was My Love, but then I reached into my mind and remembered what I read this morning. Everything happens for a reason and there is no such thing as coincidence. People come into your life for a reason. Focus on the good. When my girlfriend and her boyfriend were estranged, an unknow person began emailing them and got them back together. So I think I'm going to sit back and see how this transpires. It could be interesting as I don't have any negative vibes going on.
What is Love?
I was reading a blog written by my girlfriend and in it she asked the question "What is Love - a Feeling or an Action?" In it she went on to say that love is an action. It's the little things that are done once the euphoria of new love has worn off. It's the smiles, the gentle touches, the knowledge of that person's love for you.
I think she's right on a certain level, but my meaning of love goes much deeper than that. Love is the balance of the Universe. Love is the center of all things that are good and pure. Love is walking down the street and seeing the sun reflect off the buildings. Love is the smile on the homeless person's face as you make eye contact with them. Love is receiving Your Love's energy as he holds you in his arms and offers his energy to you. Love is watching your daughter as she shows you her new cheer. Love is listening to your son as he reads a big kids book to you. Love is the sound of the wind in the trees. Love is the green of the grass, the colors of the flowers and changing leaves. The sound of the waves as they crash upon the sand. The warmth of the sun as it shines on you. The rain that falls and gives life to all that is living. Love is taking that energy from the beauty of all that surrounds you and allowing it to fill you up. Love is the peace that you get when you are centered. Love is radiating that energy and allowing others to be drawn to your energy. Love is more than a feeling, more than an action. Love is the energy that moves us all, that balances us all. Love is our center.
I think she's right on a certain level, but my meaning of love goes much deeper than that. Love is the balance of the Universe. Love is the center of all things that are good and pure. Love is walking down the street and seeing the sun reflect off the buildings. Love is the smile on the homeless person's face as you make eye contact with them. Love is receiving Your Love's energy as he holds you in his arms and offers his energy to you. Love is watching your daughter as she shows you her new cheer. Love is listening to your son as he reads a big kids book to you. Love is the sound of the wind in the trees. Love is the green of the grass, the colors of the flowers and changing leaves. The sound of the waves as they crash upon the sand. The warmth of the sun as it shines on you. The rain that falls and gives life to all that is living. Love is taking that energy from the beauty of all that surrounds you and allowing it to fill you up. Love is the peace that you get when you are centered. Love is radiating that energy and allowing others to be drawn to your energy. Love is more than a feeling, more than an action. Love is the energy that moves us all, that balances us all. Love is our center.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
And another day
Today was better than yesterday. Work was busy, I was in a positive mood and I actually cooked dinner tonight. I'm reading a fascinating book called the Celestine Prophesy and it's incredible. It's written in fiction format, but some of the things the author states I can completely identify with. I'm learning so much these past couple of days and I'm really excited about it.
Other than that, I'm just taking things one day at a time. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I'm going to do my best to remain positive and happy.
Other than that, I'm just taking things one day at a time. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I'm going to do my best to remain positive and happy.
Coincidence or Destiny?
The year was 1991. She was seeing a boy who worked at a fast food restaurant outside the normal places they hung out at. She went to visit him and, in passing, said hi to one of his coworkers. Coincidence or Destiny?
June, 2006. She was bored and playing on the internet. She went to a high school's webpage that some of her friends had gone to and started clicking through the names. She came across one name in particular, looked and moved on. The next day she went back to the webpage, clicked on the name from the night before and sent him a hello. Coincidence or Destiny?
June, 2006. He said they probably shouldn't talk because they will fall head over heels in love and they will be linked forever. Coincidence or Destiny?
July, 2006. She posted an old picture of her and her friend at a goth club in Florida. She discovered that the man from the webpage was a photographer and the girls in the picture used to model for him. Coincidence or Destiny?
November, 2006. He came to visit her and took her to see his cousins. It was there that she learned that his cousin-in-law used to work with her friend that lives in Florida. Coincidence or Destiny?
April, 2007. They hadn't spoken for two weeks. She was running late, trying to catch her train and saw him standing in the train depot. Coincidence or Destiny?
June, 2007. She got a new job. It was one direct block from where his office is located. Coincidence or Destiny?
October, 2007. They were having problems again. She left work early and came into the train station from a different direction. As she was walking in, she saw him walking in from a different door. Coincidence or Destiny?
October 15, 2007. Her heart was breaking, her center was lost. She stood on the porch, looking into the moonlight and concentrated, sending her energy into the Universe to bring him home. She laid down in bed and saw headlights turning into her driveway. It was him. Coincidence or Destiny?
She lived in Germany as a child, he speaks fluent German. Coincidence or Destiny? Her brother's name is Rob, they call his brother Rob. Coincidence or Destiny? She didn't believe in love, he didn't believe in love. Coincidence or Destiny? She is a Sagittarius, he is a Sagittarius. Coincidence or Destiny? Her birthday is 12/5, his birthday is 12/15. Coincidence or Destiny? Before she met him, before she knew what he looked like, his is the face from her dreams. Coincidence or Destiny? 15 years passed between the time they first met to the time they reconnected. 15, the date of his birthday. Coincidence or Destiny?
I don't believe in coincidences. There is a reason for everything and everything happens as it should. When so many things happen that can't be explained away by mere chance, it is your destiny. You can try to fight it, but it will be a losing battle. Things are what they are, they are as they should be. All these "chance" circumstances are simply the Universe telling you what is right. You can't ignore the signs. It only prolongs the inevitable. You have to embrace your destiny because only then will that restless, empty feeling leave you. Love is the center of the Universe, it is the balance of all that exists. When the Universe is giving you these signs, nudging you towards your Love, you can't back away. Until you become One with Love, you will always feel lost. You will never have balance. Go to your Center. Become One and find your peace.
June, 2006. She was bored and playing on the internet. She went to a high school's webpage that some of her friends had gone to and started clicking through the names. She came across one name in particular, looked and moved on. The next day she went back to the webpage, clicked on the name from the night before and sent him a hello. Coincidence or Destiny?
June, 2006. He said they probably shouldn't talk because they will fall head over heels in love and they will be linked forever. Coincidence or Destiny?
July, 2006. She posted an old picture of her and her friend at a goth club in Florida. She discovered that the man from the webpage was a photographer and the girls in the picture used to model for him. Coincidence or Destiny?
November, 2006. He came to visit her and took her to see his cousins. It was there that she learned that his cousin-in-law used to work with her friend that lives in Florida. Coincidence or Destiny?
April, 2007. They hadn't spoken for two weeks. She was running late, trying to catch her train and saw him standing in the train depot. Coincidence or Destiny?
June, 2007. She got a new job. It was one direct block from where his office is located. Coincidence or Destiny?
October, 2007. They were having problems again. She left work early and came into the train station from a different direction. As she was walking in, she saw him walking in from a different door. Coincidence or Destiny?
October 15, 2007. Her heart was breaking, her center was lost. She stood on the porch, looking into the moonlight and concentrated, sending her energy into the Universe to bring him home. She laid down in bed and saw headlights turning into her driveway. It was him. Coincidence or Destiny?
She lived in Germany as a child, he speaks fluent German. Coincidence or Destiny? Her brother's name is Rob, they call his brother Rob. Coincidence or Destiny? She didn't believe in love, he didn't believe in love. Coincidence or Destiny? She is a Sagittarius, he is a Sagittarius. Coincidence or Destiny? Her birthday is 12/5, his birthday is 12/15. Coincidence or Destiny? Before she met him, before she knew what he looked like, his is the face from her dreams. Coincidence or Destiny? 15 years passed between the time they first met to the time they reconnected. 15, the date of his birthday. Coincidence or Destiny?
I don't believe in coincidences. There is a reason for everything and everything happens as it should. When so many things happen that can't be explained away by mere chance, it is your destiny. You can try to fight it, but it will be a losing battle. Things are what they are, they are as they should be. All these "chance" circumstances are simply the Universe telling you what is right. You can't ignore the signs. It only prolongs the inevitable. You have to embrace your destiny because only then will that restless, empty feeling leave you. Love is the center of the Universe, it is the balance of all that exists. When the Universe is giving you these signs, nudging you towards your Love, you can't back away. Until you become One with Love, you will always feel lost. You will never have balance. Go to your Center. Become One and find your peace.
And here we go....
Have you ever had the rug pulled out from under you? Have you ever lived in a nightmare? Have you ever been wondering when you were going to wake up? Welcome to my life, or at least what my life has been since August 4. But that's all done and over with. Today marks the end of the end, and the beginning of me. I'm not harboring any bitterness, I refuse to be vindictive and there will be no more begging or tears. I will simply be...me. So welcome to my journey, this new path that I'm on. It won't be the search for love and it won't be a path of survival. It will simply be me, living my life, day in and day out. It will be me loving my kids. It will be me getting out from underneath my ex-husband and his family's thumb. It will be me enjoying my friends and making new ones. It will be me.
Enjoy my journey.
Enjoy my journey.
It is as I thought
So much happened yesterday that I can't even begin to express. Maybe I'm just not ready to share. Things that I knew all along are being reaffirmed in my readings. There is no such thing as coincidence and all is as it should be. The mind is a powerful thing and its amazing what can happen when you focus your energy for good. My faith is restored: if you give love, you will receive love. If you give strength, you will receive strength.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Today's the Day
It's the perfect day for it, too. I just need to hop on the El and its only three stops away. I'm excited but not the least bit nervous. It just feels right.
I lost my friend today.....
Looking back I can see that she really was a good friend to me. The only reason I ever doubted her was because someone would make sure to badmouth her, make sure to plant seeds of doubt about her motives. Looking back I can see that she is the one who gave me encouragement. She is the one who called to make sure I’m ok. She is the one who gave me strength to continue on. Finally he got to us. Finally he tore apart our friendship in the best possible way. Finally, he became everything that he accused her of being.
I’m sorry Vicki. I’m sorry I doubted your intentions. I’m sorry I questioned our friendship. I make no excuses, I was a fool and blinded by him. I wish you nothing but the best in your life and with your love. Cherish it, treasure it, value it. Believe in yourself and don't let anyone try to lead you astray.
I’m sorry Vicki. I’m sorry I doubted your intentions. I’m sorry I questioned our friendship. I make no excuses, I was a fool and blinded by him. I wish you nothing but the best in your life and with your love. Cherish it, treasure it, value it. Believe in yourself and don't let anyone try to lead you astray.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I could....
I could say I'm angry but I'm not. I could say I'm hurt but I'm not. I could say my heart is broken but it's not. To tell the truth, I've been waiting for this day to come. Fooling myself into believing that we are meant to be together was just a way to not feel the pain. My girlfriend told me that I have to walk through the fire, and it's going to hurt, but once I got through it I would look back and wonder what took me so long. What I didn't realize was that I was already in the fire. It would come and go. There would be brief moments when he would come back, of course to get what he wanted from me, only to leave again...leaving me wounded and doubting. I can't blame him because a person will only do what you allow them to do. And I allowed it. But never again.
I can actually say I'm glad it's over. The wondering, the worrying, the crying, the despair that I felt. I won't go so far as to say that I'm numb, but whatever feelings I still have for him are buried deep within, hopefully never to come out. I've ended my friendship with his cousin because he even had to blog about that. I don't peruse his websites because quite frankly I don't care. I've removed every indication that he was a part of our lives for as long as he was. I would say that I'm sorry that I ever met him, but at least he taught me to feel. I realize that I don't have to be that cold jaded bitch that I was before I met him. I also realize that he is quite undeserving of my love.
It's been a rough ride, but all things considered I've come out of it a better person. My friends were so worried about me, not understanding that I had to go through this, everything happened exactly as they were supposed to happen.
I won't go as far as to say that I won't still have periods of grief, that I won't be touched with a pain of missing him, because it probably will happen. You can't love someone the way that I love him and be numb when it ends. I still have feelings, I still love him. But loving him and giving him my love are two very different things. I know that the pain won't be as great now. I know that I won't be unable to breathe. I know that I can hold my head up and smile. I know that life has already started to get better. And I know that, no matter what he thinks of me, I am a good person who deserves far better than what he gave me these past couple months.
I could say I'm sorry it happened, but I'm not. I could thank him for everything, but I won't. I could say I'm still waiting for him, but I'm not.
I could say I'm going to live my life now, and that I will do.
I can actually say I'm glad it's over. The wondering, the worrying, the crying, the despair that I felt. I won't go so far as to say that I'm numb, but whatever feelings I still have for him are buried deep within, hopefully never to come out. I've ended my friendship with his cousin because he even had to blog about that. I don't peruse his websites because quite frankly I don't care. I've removed every indication that he was a part of our lives for as long as he was. I would say that I'm sorry that I ever met him, but at least he taught me to feel. I realize that I don't have to be that cold jaded bitch that I was before I met him. I also realize that he is quite undeserving of my love.
It's been a rough ride, but all things considered I've come out of it a better person. My friends were so worried about me, not understanding that I had to go through this, everything happened exactly as they were supposed to happen.
I won't go as far as to say that I won't still have periods of grief, that I won't be touched with a pain of missing him, because it probably will happen. You can't love someone the way that I love him and be numb when it ends. I still have feelings, I still love him. But loving him and giving him my love are two very different things. I know that the pain won't be as great now. I know that I won't be unable to breathe. I know that I can hold my head up and smile. I know that life has already started to get better. And I know that, no matter what he thinks of me, I am a good person who deserves far better than what he gave me these past couple months.
I could say I'm sorry it happened, but I'm not. I could thank him for everything, but I won't. I could say I'm still waiting for him, but I'm not.
I could say I'm going to live my life now, and that I will do.
My new favorite song....Apologize by Timbaland
I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
One day at a time
Finally I'm starting to feel more like myself. Cass was out last night doing her thing, so it was just Tristan and me watching t.v. for most of the night. I created another myspace profile and it's nice to talk to my friends again. Harmless flirting with those that have known and loved me forever is something that is helping me bounce back. I didn't do any cleaning or cooking yesterday, but today is a new day. One thing I have managed to accomplish is to stay on top of my laundry, so that's a good thing. I've got a lot of men asking me out on dates, but I'm not ready to go down that road yet. I'm just going to stick with my friends....Friday a play if we can get tickets, Saturday Mexican and margaritas with Chris, and Sunday hopefully the Packers if I can tear Curt away from his many women to hang with me....I've been studying more and more and am anxious to get to this bookstore Saturday morning. I'm certain that I'll find what I'm seeking once I get there. And that's about it. Another boring day in my life, but at least I'm alive and well to speak about it.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
my destiny is clear now
I've felt a stirring in my blood for quite some time now. Oh, I dabbled in it when I was younger, but I wasn't focused enough to pursue it. I know it's in my blood, I can feel it in my blood, and the more I read the more I know for certain. It comes from my Irish heritage, passed down from generation to generation....no one in my family, at least that I have heard of, acknowledging it, practicing it, embracing it. Until now.
I went to the library today, hoping to learn more. Hoping, I suppose, to find the path that would lead me to what I know is in me. And did I go to the WRONG place. First I went to the metaphysical section. The one book that the library owned on the subject had been stolen. Or rather, as the librarian put it, just disappeared. Next I went to the religion section. My thinking? It's one of the oldest "religions" that there is, predating Christ, there HAD to be books on it. Not a one. There were plenty of books on Christianity, Judaism, the books of the bible individually bound, etc....although I did notice there weren't any books on the Muslim religion either....and not a one on what I wanted, no, what I needed to see.
The path that I'm on will lead me to it. I guess you could say I started this path on August 4, the day that my ex left me and the day I cried out for healing. The Universe heard me, and here I am. And while living in suburban America, with a church on every corner, isn't going to make this easy for me, I can already sense where I need to go. And I will. I believe I had to be ready in my heart first. I had to be filled with love in order to easily embrace what I am to learn next.
But you can be sure that I won't be trying the library anytime soon....
I went to the library today, hoping to learn more. Hoping, I suppose, to find the path that would lead me to what I know is in me. And did I go to the WRONG place. First I went to the metaphysical section. The one book that the library owned on the subject had been stolen. Or rather, as the librarian put it, just disappeared. Next I went to the religion section. My thinking? It's one of the oldest "religions" that there is, predating Christ, there HAD to be books on it. Not a one. There were plenty of books on Christianity, Judaism, the books of the bible individually bound, etc....although I did notice there weren't any books on the Muslim religion either....and not a one on what I wanted, no, what I needed to see.
The path that I'm on will lead me to it. I guess you could say I started this path on August 4, the day that my ex left me and the day I cried out for healing. The Universe heard me, and here I am. And while living in suburban America, with a church on every corner, isn't going to make this easy for me, I can already sense where I need to go. And I will. I believe I had to be ready in my heart first. I had to be filled with love in order to easily embrace what I am to learn next.
But you can be sure that I won't be trying the library anytime soon....
Thursday, October 11, 2007
A true test of my lessons.....
I was laying in bed last night, struggling to respond with love to some text messages full of anger and hate. I continued to respond with love, until I felt myself growing angry and wanting to lash out, so I said goodnight, I love you and I’m not doing this anymore. I’ve said several times before that I’m on a journey seeking love. I’ve said that if you give love then you will receive it. I’ve come to realize that just because you are seeking love does not mean that your feelings of anger or hurt will magically disappear. You won’t see things through rose colored glasses. You will still want to say angry words. You will still want to hurt back because you are being hurt. But if you are truly seeking love, if you truly believe that if you give love then you will receive love, then your actions will show that. No one is perfect. There are times when I have spoken too quickly words that were not loving. But last night, as I was being verbally attacked, as my heart was breaking yet again by the hate that was being spewed out of this person’s mouth, I made a conscious choice to respond with love. When I found that it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so, I stopped the contact.
That’s what it’s all about. It’s how you respond to things. I could have been angry and bitter to this person in return. It wouldn’t have affected them because they already feel hatred towards me. It would have only served to affirm their opinion of me. The person it would have harmed would have been myself. I would have been angry with myself. I would have been disappointed in myself. No matter what this person believes to be true of me or not, I know what’s true. I don’t have to prove myself to this person. I know I have love. I know my intentions are pure. If this person wants to continue to think the worst of me, that is their right to do so. I will simply continue to do what I’ve been doing all along….to give love to myself and to others.
If you give love, you will receive love.
That’s what it’s all about. It’s how you respond to things. I could have been angry and bitter to this person in return. It wouldn’t have affected them because they already feel hatred towards me. It would have only served to affirm their opinion of me. The person it would have harmed would have been myself. I would have been angry with myself. I would have been disappointed in myself. No matter what this person believes to be true of me or not, I know what’s true. I don’t have to prove myself to this person. I know I have love. I know my intentions are pure. If this person wants to continue to think the worst of me, that is their right to do so. I will simply continue to do what I’ve been doing all along….to give love to myself and to others.
If you give love, you will receive love.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Fortune of the Day
Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.
And my lucky numbers are.....15, 11, 37, 46, 5, and 5.
Imagine that....15 and 5.
And my lucky numbers are.....15, 11, 37, 46, 5, and 5.
Imagine that....15 and 5.
Love is.....(List of the Day)
Love is….trying to figure out what makes you love him like you do.
I was talking to my coworker this morning and she was asking me how I was doing, if I had talked to My Love, how the kids are, etc. I began to tell her how I am and what I’ve been up to. She asked if I’m over him yet and I told her no, and I won’t be nor do I want to be. There must have been something in my eyes that made her stop and look. She said “he must really be something.” Yes, he really is.
With that conversation fresh in my mind, I went to lunch. As I was reading the SunTimes, I skipped to the comic section. It was there that I saw the inspiration for this blog. Have you ever read the “Love is…” cartoon? I don’t see it as often as I used to, but today’s really got me thinking.
There are so many reasons why I love him. So many wonderful qualities that he has. So many things he has shown me, opened my eyes to and opened my heart to.
1. The way he always had faith. The beginning of our relationship was hard. It was long distance because he was living in Columbus and working in Pittsburgh. There were so many times that I had no idea how it would work between us. The man just about pushed himself into the ground by driving to Chicago every weekend, many times going on only a couple of hours of sleep, just to spend a few hours with me. He always told me to hang on, we’ll get through this, and life will be magical. And it really was.
2. He was there when I needed him. I was faced with some pretty scary medical test results and had to get a biopsy done. I already had tickets to fly to Pittsburgh the day after my biopsy, so it wasn’t like he could just come in for the weekend instead of me going to him. I couldn’t find anyone to drive me to my biopsy, at least anyone I wanted to let in on that particular aspect of my life. I got an email from him telling me that he was leaving work early that day (a Wednesday) and would be on a later flight to Chicago that evening. He would take me for my biopsy and we would fly to Pittsburgh together on Friday.
3. The way he changed his thinking about marriage. I didn’t want a big wedding. The wedding had nothing to do with it. It was being his wife that I always longed for. It’s what I still long for. When we met, we were both hell bent on never wanting to be married. A month later, we were talking about going to Vegas and getting married.
4. The way he hung in there when outside influences threatened our love. He knew going into this with me that not only do I have two kids, but I have an ex-husband and ex-in-laws and ex-boyfriends and this and that. Life with me was never easy for him. But he hung in there, never giving up.
5. The way his smile lights up his face. I’m a woman who is easily amused, easily excitable. Sometimes I’m like a little kid in that the simplest thing can make me happy. He would get such joy out of seeing me happy and would get this amazing smile, the kind that made his eyes shine with joy.
6. The way he loved me. I have never been loved the way he loved me. I have a photograph, a very random shot taken by my daughter, of me standing on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek in a silly way. The look on his face, with his eyes closed and the smile he had, was nothing less than pure love.
7. The way he encouraged me. He was my cheerleader. He knew what I was capable of and encouraged me to go for it. I was scared. There were so many things that I thought stood in my way….I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve it, I won’t be able to handle it, etc. Against my own head I followed his advice. And he was right. I am good enough. I do deserve it. And I am handling it, with much ease.
8. His creativity. This man is a genius. He has so much talent. There were times when it seemed like everything he touched turned to gold. I have two collections of photographs that he’s done on my bedroom wall. All numbers taken in black and white. The way he put them together, the subjects of the photographs themselves, I have never seen anything like it.
9. His intelligence. He knows a little bit about everything. Often times I feel stupid next to him because I’m always asking him what does this mean, what does that mean? He never put me down for my lack of knowledge in the same subjects as him and he always took the time to explain things to me so that I understood them.
10. The things he taught me. I don’t know where to start. The most important thing he taught me is to feel my feelings. It probably drives him crazy now because I AM so in touch with my feelings. Before I met him, I led a basically shallow life. Oh sure, I had my kids and my friends, and they were (and are) very close to me. But I never allowed myself to feel anything for a man other than a token affection. This man taught me to love him with the depths of my soul. He taught me to trust someone other than myself. He taught me that love is a good thing, a beautiful thing. He taught me to laugh, truly laugh. He taught me not to be afraid to express my love. He taught me to take a chance. He taught me not to give up. He taught me to have faith. He taught me how to share my life with another. He taught me how to step outside my comfort zone and alter my plans for the future. He taught me how to live. He taught me the meaning of soul mate.
It’s because of him that I have faith in our love. It’s because of him that I won’t give up. I may take a step back so that he can go through the trials that he has to go through, but I will never stop loving him. When he comes back to me, I will welcome him with open arms. When he comes back, I will love him as I’ve never loved another. Life can be difficult, and we may not always understand the why’s or the how’s, but one thing I will always understand, one thing I will always know, is that giving up on our love is not an option.
I love you, my sweet man.
I was talking to my coworker this morning and she was asking me how I was doing, if I had talked to My Love, how the kids are, etc. I began to tell her how I am and what I’ve been up to. She asked if I’m over him yet and I told her no, and I won’t be nor do I want to be. There must have been something in my eyes that made her stop and look. She said “he must really be something.” Yes, he really is.
With that conversation fresh in my mind, I went to lunch. As I was reading the SunTimes, I skipped to the comic section. It was there that I saw the inspiration for this blog. Have you ever read the “Love is…” cartoon? I don’t see it as often as I used to, but today’s really got me thinking.
There are so many reasons why I love him. So many wonderful qualities that he has. So many things he has shown me, opened my eyes to and opened my heart to.
1. The way he always had faith. The beginning of our relationship was hard. It was long distance because he was living in Columbus and working in Pittsburgh. There were so many times that I had no idea how it would work between us. The man just about pushed himself into the ground by driving to Chicago every weekend, many times going on only a couple of hours of sleep, just to spend a few hours with me. He always told me to hang on, we’ll get through this, and life will be magical. And it really was.
2. He was there when I needed him. I was faced with some pretty scary medical test results and had to get a biopsy done. I already had tickets to fly to Pittsburgh the day after my biopsy, so it wasn’t like he could just come in for the weekend instead of me going to him. I couldn’t find anyone to drive me to my biopsy, at least anyone I wanted to let in on that particular aspect of my life. I got an email from him telling me that he was leaving work early that day (a Wednesday) and would be on a later flight to Chicago that evening. He would take me for my biopsy and we would fly to Pittsburgh together on Friday.
3. The way he changed his thinking about marriage. I didn’t want a big wedding. The wedding had nothing to do with it. It was being his wife that I always longed for. It’s what I still long for. When we met, we were both hell bent on never wanting to be married. A month later, we were talking about going to Vegas and getting married.
4. The way he hung in there when outside influences threatened our love. He knew going into this with me that not only do I have two kids, but I have an ex-husband and ex-in-laws and ex-boyfriends and this and that. Life with me was never easy for him. But he hung in there, never giving up.
5. The way his smile lights up his face. I’m a woman who is easily amused, easily excitable. Sometimes I’m like a little kid in that the simplest thing can make me happy. He would get such joy out of seeing me happy and would get this amazing smile, the kind that made his eyes shine with joy.
6. The way he loved me. I have never been loved the way he loved me. I have a photograph, a very random shot taken by my daughter, of me standing on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek in a silly way. The look on his face, with his eyes closed and the smile he had, was nothing less than pure love.
7. The way he encouraged me. He was my cheerleader. He knew what I was capable of and encouraged me to go for it. I was scared. There were so many things that I thought stood in my way….I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve it, I won’t be able to handle it, etc. Against my own head I followed his advice. And he was right. I am good enough. I do deserve it. And I am handling it, with much ease.
8. His creativity. This man is a genius. He has so much talent. There were times when it seemed like everything he touched turned to gold. I have two collections of photographs that he’s done on my bedroom wall. All numbers taken in black and white. The way he put them together, the subjects of the photographs themselves, I have never seen anything like it.
9. His intelligence. He knows a little bit about everything. Often times I feel stupid next to him because I’m always asking him what does this mean, what does that mean? He never put me down for my lack of knowledge in the same subjects as him and he always took the time to explain things to me so that I understood them.
10. The things he taught me. I don’t know where to start. The most important thing he taught me is to feel my feelings. It probably drives him crazy now because I AM so in touch with my feelings. Before I met him, I led a basically shallow life. Oh sure, I had my kids and my friends, and they were (and are) very close to me. But I never allowed myself to feel anything for a man other than a token affection. This man taught me to love him with the depths of my soul. He taught me to trust someone other than myself. He taught me that love is a good thing, a beautiful thing. He taught me to laugh, truly laugh. He taught me not to be afraid to express my love. He taught me to take a chance. He taught me not to give up. He taught me to have faith. He taught me how to share my life with another. He taught me how to step outside my comfort zone and alter my plans for the future. He taught me how to live. He taught me the meaning of soul mate.
It’s because of him that I have faith in our love. It’s because of him that I won’t give up. I may take a step back so that he can go through the trials that he has to go through, but I will never stop loving him. When he comes back to me, I will welcome him with open arms. When he comes back, I will love him as I’ve never loved another. Life can be difficult, and we may not always understand the why’s or the how’s, but one thing I will always understand, one thing I will always know, is that giving up on our love is not an option.
I love you, my sweet man.
Love is the Answer
I’ve been saying it, promoting it, and living it. If you give love, you will receive love. Two of my girlfriends and myself have all found ourselves in similar positions. We separated from the ones that we love. The love relationships that we made a part of our worlds have become broken, and with it, our hearts and our souls. We began the journey, alone but together in spirit, of reaching deep in ourselves and relying on the love that we found within.
I saw one of my girlfriends over the weekend. Gone was the woman who was broken the last time I saw her. In its place was a woman whose face was full of smile. Her eyes could light up the whole room. She had made the decision to love herself, and good things happened. The love that she had for herself was contagious. So contagious, in fact, that it brought Her Love right back into her arms, right were he belongs.
I got a phone call from my other girlfriend last night. I’ve watched her lately as she went from a woman broken into pieces because she lost Her Love to a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. A woman who thought her life was over but found her strength. A woman who began to love herself. She called to tell me that Her Love came back to her. He didn’t bring the ring, but he brought his love and his desire for marriage and a family with her.
Where does that leave me? I’m still here, on this path of love. I’ve found my love deep within. I’ve been faced with circumstances lately that would have caused me to lash out and behave in an evil vindictive manner. But that was before I knew love. Now, I just cry. And remain firm. And always honest. Always sure. And always with love, love for myself and love for others. My Love hasn’t come back to me, but that’s ok. He’s on his own journey right now. I will continue to do what I’m doing, and that is to give love.
If you give love, you will receive love.
I saw one of my girlfriends over the weekend. Gone was the woman who was broken the last time I saw her. In its place was a woman whose face was full of smile. Her eyes could light up the whole room. She had made the decision to love herself, and good things happened. The love that she had for herself was contagious. So contagious, in fact, that it brought Her Love right back into her arms, right were he belongs.
I got a phone call from my other girlfriend last night. I’ve watched her lately as she went from a woman broken into pieces because she lost Her Love to a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. A woman who thought her life was over but found her strength. A woman who began to love herself. She called to tell me that Her Love came back to her. He didn’t bring the ring, but he brought his love and his desire for marriage and a family with her.
Where does that leave me? I’m still here, on this path of love. I’ve found my love deep within. I’ve been faced with circumstances lately that would have caused me to lash out and behave in an evil vindictive manner. But that was before I knew love. Now, I just cry. And remain firm. And always honest. Always sure. And always with love, love for myself and love for others. My Love hasn’t come back to me, but that’s ok. He’s on his own journey right now. I will continue to do what I’m doing, and that is to give love.
If you give love, you will receive love.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Just Love Me
I look in your eyes and I see the pain. I know how badly you hurt. You were so good to me, so kind, so giving, so compassionate, so loving. You were my best friend. The man who taught me how to love. The man who taught me to believe. The man who taught me how to open my heart. I know I wasn’t always the greatest to you. I know that I would let my mouth or my crabbiness get the better of me and I know that I always took it out on you. I didn’t tell you often enough how much you mean to me. I didn’t tell you how proud of you I am, how impressed by you I am, how grateful I am that you are in my life. I took you for granted and I just always expected you to be there. Until the one day you weren’t.
I know what I did. I know how much you put up with. God I love you so much. Please forgive me. Forgive me baby. Open your heart, open your arms, just love me again. You say it’s easier to just walk away. To not feel anything. To harden your heart and be cold and uncaring. I know you miss me. I know you miss the closeness that we shared, the intimate moments, the love. Hold on to the memories. Remember all that is good. Remember and feel it again. We can do this. Don’t give up on us baby. You’ve known as long as I’ve known that we are meant for each other. Our souls long to be joined again. Our hearts long for the other again. Take a chance. Remember…..jumping in with both feet and having faith that you won’t drown. I did it once….a year ago. I’ve never regretted it. Months ago you begged me to have faith in us. You begged me to not give up on us. I’m asking you to do the same now. Have faith in us. Have faith in our love. Don’t give up on us. Just love me again. Love me the way you used to. Love me like the man in the photo. Just love me.
I know what I did. I know how much you put up with. God I love you so much. Please forgive me. Forgive me baby. Open your heart, open your arms, just love me again. You say it’s easier to just walk away. To not feel anything. To harden your heart and be cold and uncaring. I know you miss me. I know you miss the closeness that we shared, the intimate moments, the love. Hold on to the memories. Remember all that is good. Remember and feel it again. We can do this. Don’t give up on us baby. You’ve known as long as I’ve known that we are meant for each other. Our souls long to be joined again. Our hearts long for the other again. Take a chance. Remember…..jumping in with both feet and having faith that you won’t drown. I did it once….a year ago. I’ve never regretted it. Months ago you begged me to have faith in us. You begged me to not give up on us. I’m asking you to do the same now. Have faith in us. Have faith in our love. Don’t give up on us. Just love me again. Love me the way you used to. Love me like the man in the photo. Just love me.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Still Rockin'
Last night I went and saw Genesis. It was absolutely incredible. This is the fourth concert that I've seen this year, and Genesis has to be the best one yet, with Billy Joel a close second. It isn't a surprise that the musicians whose careers have spanned longer than my lifetime are the shows that I enjoyed the most. Don't get me wrong, the My Chem show and the Breaking Benjamin show were great. I love their music, and those are the cd's that I listen to the most. But as far as putting on a good performance and the crowds that see those shows, there is no comparison to Genesis or Billy Joel. I had the most incredible seats last night....right by the stage, six rows up. I was literally one down (love my football) away from Phil Collins. The only thing that I was disappointed in last night was that they didn't play one of the three songs I wanted to hear: In the Air Tonight (yes, I know it was one of Phil's singles), Take Me Home (another single, but featured Peter Gabrial), and Against All Odds (yes, another single). All in all, it was an incredible night, and definitly worth not getting home until 2:00 a.m. I'll leave you with this.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
And the Lessons Keep Coming
It’s been almost three years since we parted ways. He was my best friend, nothing more and nothing less. I was separated from my husband, getting ready to file for divorce, and he was in the same boat. Tragedy struck, his tragedy, and I never left his side, just as he never left my side when my world came crashing down. To this day, no one has ever known the way that he did. No one has ever been as close to me in the way that he was. He could look at me and know what I was thinking before I was able to put it into words. He knew if I was lost in my head by the sound of my breathing. He coached me to eat when all I wanted to do was smoke and drink coffee. He kept me from sitting on a barstool every night. He was my life preserver when all I wanted to do was drown.
In the midst of my troubles, he had a tragedy of his own. A tragedy so severe it almost destroyed him. I held his hand as he cried. I stood by his side and told the truth to those who mattered when he could have lost it all. I told others to shut their mouths when they gossiped and lied about him. I spent time with him so that he wouldn’t forget how to live.
And one day it came to an end. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn’t understand how, why, after everything we had been through together he could just leave. It took months for me to find my way again. Months of drinking, months of therapy, months of being numb. Finally I was able to pick my head up and go on with my life. I still didn’t understand why and I never got my closure from him. But life went on.
They say that life’s lessons will be repeated until you learn what you need to learn. I find it ironic that I’m in a situation similar to the one I was in three years ago, only this time the roles are reversed. Lately the words that Ryan spoke to me have been haunting me. I hear them in my head and I hear them coming out of my mouth. I’m finally understanding why he left and how hard it was for him. I understand and I forgive him. I understand and I thank him.
This man taught me so many things in our time together. Things that I will always remember. I remember Ryan saying to me that sometimes the right thing IS the hardest thing. I always thought he meant it was hard on me, not on him. I was wrong. It’s hard on both people. Walking away from My Love was hard. Staying away is even harder. My Love may think that this is easy on me, not falling back into his arms, but he’s wrong. My Love knows how much I love him. Everybody knows how much I love him. There are times when I would give everything just to have him hold me, to tell me that he loves me, for life to be magical again. But the time is not right. He and I still have some growing and changing to do, and to be together now would be disastrous. Staying away is the right thing, and it’s the hardest thing.
I remember asking Ryan why, why are you doing this to me. His answer was because he’s not sure, and if he’s not sure I could get hurt. I didn’t understand and I was ANGRY. Now I understand. I said the same words last night to My Love. I’m very sure of my love for him. I’m very sure in my belief that we are meant to be together. But I’m not sure that the time is right now. And if I’m not sure, then it’s not. And if I’m not sure, and I go back to him anyway, he could get hurt. I love the man and I don’t want to hurt him ever. There’s been far too much hurt in our past, and love isn’t about hurting each other.
Ryan taught me how to be true to myself. He taught me about loyalty. He taught me about standing up for what I believe in and to stand up for what is right, no matter what the cost. He taught me about honesty, both with myself and with others. He taught me about timing. He taught me about love. And it’s because of him, because of the lessons that he taught me which I was so slow to learn, that I will be able to give all of my love to My Love, when the time is right.
I’ll never call him to thank him. It’s unnecessary. But I know what he’s done for me. And I hope that My Love will appreciate this when it’s all said and done. Because even though this is the hard thing to do, it is the right thing to do. And when the time is right, I’ll be able to give My Love the love that he deserves, and I’ll finally be able to accept the love from him that I deserve.
In the midst of my troubles, he had a tragedy of his own. A tragedy so severe it almost destroyed him. I held his hand as he cried. I stood by his side and told the truth to those who mattered when he could have lost it all. I told others to shut their mouths when they gossiped and lied about him. I spent time with him so that he wouldn’t forget how to live.
And one day it came to an end. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn’t understand how, why, after everything we had been through together he could just leave. It took months for me to find my way again. Months of drinking, months of therapy, months of being numb. Finally I was able to pick my head up and go on with my life. I still didn’t understand why and I never got my closure from him. But life went on.
They say that life’s lessons will be repeated until you learn what you need to learn. I find it ironic that I’m in a situation similar to the one I was in three years ago, only this time the roles are reversed. Lately the words that Ryan spoke to me have been haunting me. I hear them in my head and I hear them coming out of my mouth. I’m finally understanding why he left and how hard it was for him. I understand and I forgive him. I understand and I thank him.
This man taught me so many things in our time together. Things that I will always remember. I remember Ryan saying to me that sometimes the right thing IS the hardest thing. I always thought he meant it was hard on me, not on him. I was wrong. It’s hard on both people. Walking away from My Love was hard. Staying away is even harder. My Love may think that this is easy on me, not falling back into his arms, but he’s wrong. My Love knows how much I love him. Everybody knows how much I love him. There are times when I would give everything just to have him hold me, to tell me that he loves me, for life to be magical again. But the time is not right. He and I still have some growing and changing to do, and to be together now would be disastrous. Staying away is the right thing, and it’s the hardest thing.
I remember asking Ryan why, why are you doing this to me. His answer was because he’s not sure, and if he’s not sure I could get hurt. I didn’t understand and I was ANGRY. Now I understand. I said the same words last night to My Love. I’m very sure of my love for him. I’m very sure in my belief that we are meant to be together. But I’m not sure that the time is right now. And if I’m not sure, then it’s not. And if I’m not sure, and I go back to him anyway, he could get hurt. I love the man and I don’t want to hurt him ever. There’s been far too much hurt in our past, and love isn’t about hurting each other.
Ryan taught me how to be true to myself. He taught me about loyalty. He taught me about standing up for what I believe in and to stand up for what is right, no matter what the cost. He taught me about honesty, both with myself and with others. He taught me about timing. He taught me about love. And it’s because of him, because of the lessons that he taught me which I was so slow to learn, that I will be able to give all of my love to My Love, when the time is right.
I’ll never call him to thank him. It’s unnecessary. But I know what he’s done for me. And I hope that My Love will appreciate this when it’s all said and done. Because even though this is the hard thing to do, it is the right thing to do. And when the time is right, I’ll be able to give My Love the love that he deserves, and I’ll finally be able to accept the love from him that I deserve.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Trying something new....again
Last week I told you about Redfish, the New Orleans themed restuarant/bar across the street from my office building. I've put on my adventurer hat today, and have decided that I will go back there for lunch today and try something new. Something maybe spicy. Who knows. I'm such a picky eater, anything outside the norm of beef or chicken is a new experience for me.....
Another thing I like about this place is that I can go there at noon and will still be able to find a seat. I'll have a hopefully good update for you after lunch ;-)
Another thing I like about this place is that I can go there at noon and will still be able to find a seat. I'll have a hopefully good update for you after lunch ;-)
Love, healing and forgiveness
The path that I've recently found myself on is not an old one for me. I've begun this journey several times in the past. I've simply allowed myself to get sidetracked by life. That's ok though. It's never too late to start the journey again. This journey that I'm on is to discover self-love. I must have put it out in the Universe that I needed a change, because right before my eyes the rug was pulled out from under me, and the path that I was on ceased to exist. I didn't think I was ready, but I guess God knew otherwise.
In order to begin to love myself, I need to learn to forgive. Not only do I need to forgive others, but I need to forgive myself. This is hard, at least for me it is. It seems like I would thrive on the anger and resentment that I held. The drama in my life, the chaos of a dysfunctional relationship - not just romantic but family relationships as well. I harbored anger towards my parents for things they've done in my past. I've harbored anger towards my brother for things he's done in the past. Towards my ex-husband, towards my kids, and towards My Love.
I have to let go of the negativity of the past. It's the past. It can't be changed, it can't be undone. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself for my role in the negativity. I must forgive myself for harboring anger and resentment towards them. And I must forgive myself for things that I have done to them as well.
I can't waive a magic wand and everything will be forgiven. All I can do is release the negative energy that I've held on to. The first step to love is healing. And the first step to healing is forgiveness.
Today is a brand new day. A fresh start.
In order to begin to love myself, I need to learn to forgive. Not only do I need to forgive others, but I need to forgive myself. This is hard, at least for me it is. It seems like I would thrive on the anger and resentment that I held. The drama in my life, the chaos of a dysfunctional relationship - not just romantic but family relationships as well. I harbored anger towards my parents for things they've done in my past. I've harbored anger towards my brother for things he's done in the past. Towards my ex-husband, towards my kids, and towards My Love.
I have to let go of the negativity of the past. It's the past. It can't be changed, it can't be undone. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself for my role in the negativity. I must forgive myself for harboring anger and resentment towards them. And I must forgive myself for things that I have done to them as well.
I can't waive a magic wand and everything will be forgiven. All I can do is release the negative energy that I've held on to. The first step to love is healing. And the first step to healing is forgiveness.
Today is a brand new day. A fresh start.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
My journey to live again
They say after a traumatic experience that its easy to curl into a ball and play dead. The real courage comes in finding a way to live again. That's where I'm at. For so long I've been depressed. I was walking around with my head in a fog. Nothing made sense. I wanted to lay on the couch in my pajamas and hibernate. I cried all the time.
I'm tired. Tired of not living. Tired of shedding tears over something which isn't worth my tears. Tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of thinking I am unworthy. I'm tired of talking about the same thing endlessly with all my friends. Tired of hearing them tell me everything that I don't want to hear.
Yesterday was the worst. I cried the entire day at work. Called my new friend crying and apologizing for calling him and crying. I just couldn't take it anymore.
We went out on a date last night, our second, although I have told him repeatedly that my head is in a fog, my heart isn't in this, and I can't focus on him right now. He's patient and kind and caring and he picked me up anyway. He listened to me as I cried on his shoulder. He said silly things to get me to laugh. He tells me repeatedly that I'm a beautiful person, both inside and out. Me being me, I tell him your words are sweet, but I'm not sleeping with you. He said he knows, I'm not ready.
This morning I woke up with a new outlook. I looked in the mirror and said no more. No more tears, no more sadness, no more beating myself up for things that I've done or haven't done. I'll take baby steps, but I'll get there. I'll live again. And this time, I'll do it differently, with my eyes wide open.
I'm tired. Tired of not living. Tired of shedding tears over something which isn't worth my tears. Tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of thinking I am unworthy. I'm tired of talking about the same thing endlessly with all my friends. Tired of hearing them tell me everything that I don't want to hear.
Yesterday was the worst. I cried the entire day at work. Called my new friend crying and apologizing for calling him and crying. I just couldn't take it anymore.
We went out on a date last night, our second, although I have told him repeatedly that my head is in a fog, my heart isn't in this, and I can't focus on him right now. He's patient and kind and caring and he picked me up anyway. He listened to me as I cried on his shoulder. He said silly things to get me to laugh. He tells me repeatedly that I'm a beautiful person, both inside and out. Me being me, I tell him your words are sweet, but I'm not sleeping with you. He said he knows, I'm not ready.
This morning I woke up with a new outlook. I looked in the mirror and said no more. No more tears, no more sadness, no more beating myself up for things that I've done or haven't done. I'll take baby steps, but I'll get there. I'll live again. And this time, I'll do it differently, with my eyes wide open.
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