It was a Sunday afternoon and she was driving around the neighborhood. She hadn't talked to him in awhile and was wondering how he was so she called him. "Hey how are you?" he said. "I miss you." she said to him. Later that night they were talking on the phone and she sensed something was on his mind. "What is it, baby?" she said. He sighed and said "You make me feel." Neither of them knew just want an impact those words would have on their lives.
He was a gypsy, taking job after job and moving around the country wherever the money was. He never settled down, never let anyone get close to him. And he was content. She lived in the town she had grown up in, owned a house and had a good career. She had her life planned out, had plenty of friends. And she was content. Or so they thought.
What started as friendly emails, sporadic text messages and flirtatious phone calls developed into something more. They began to email all day long while they were at work. They talked for hours on the phone every night. They shared their goals, their hopes and desires. They shared their secrets. Neither of them were looking for what they had found with one another. They didn't know how it would work. All they knew was that they would make it work. They were in love.
She taught him how to feel. She taught him to care about someone other than himself. She taught him about love.
He taught her how to take a chance. He taught her how to soften her heart. He taught her about love.
The road was rough and the obstacles were many. There were many times that they thought it was the end. Many times that they wanted it to be the end. They couldn't seem to get it right. But they always had love.
As time went on, things got easier for them. The obstacles were still there, but they faced them together. And one by one, the things that seemed so big and out of control went away. They learned to rely on each other. They learned how to be a team. They learned to let love lead the way.
And the whisper on the other end of the phone that cold October evening was the start of a beautiful love, one that never ended.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
A woman's emotions are like the tide, you have to ride them out
Right? One minute we're up, the next minute we're down. One minute we're fine on our own, hell bent on walking away; the next minute we're texting or emailing "i love you, come back to me." And so goes this see-saw of emotions that I've been feeling. I used to think that the feelings that I felt were wrong. I was ashamed that I couldn't make up my mind, that I would feel one way one day and a different way the next. But why do I always feel the need to justify things to myself? Aren't I entitled to say I feel all of it? Aren't I entitled to say I just don't know? Because I don't. One minute I'm so sure that this is the right decision. The next day I'm waivering and crying because I miss him so. I "love" him. I love him? Really? Why?
I had lunch with my girlfriend today. She really knows how to ask the probing questions, the questions that make me face myself. She asked me what is there to love? Love is supposed to be beautiful. Love is NOT supposed to make you hurt. And guess what. This freaking hurts. This isn't love. This is a mess. Whatever love there once was between us has been long gone. I've held on to the memories of good times and prayed and wished and hoped that we could get back to the place where there will be good times again.
It's time to face reality and get out of this fantasy world that I've been living in. This man does not love me. This man does not think highly enough of me to make me a priority. He is not there, and I can't make him be there. The sooner I can accept this, the sooner I can allow myself to feel the feelings, feel the pain and move past it. It's time to walk through the fire.
I had lunch with my girlfriend today. She really knows how to ask the probing questions, the questions that make me face myself. She asked me what is there to love? Love is supposed to be beautiful. Love is NOT supposed to make you hurt. And guess what. This freaking hurts. This isn't love. This is a mess. Whatever love there once was between us has been long gone. I've held on to the memories of good times and prayed and wished and hoped that we could get back to the place where there will be good times again.
It's time to face reality and get out of this fantasy world that I've been living in. This man does not love me. This man does not think highly enough of me to make me a priority. He is not there, and I can't make him be there. The sooner I can accept this, the sooner I can allow myself to feel the feelings, feel the pain and move past it. It's time to walk through the fire.
Religion and the Like
I've been struggling for a long time with things. It's like I've had a raging internal battle - should I go to church or shouldn't I? I was raised in church so I have knowledge of the Bible. I was baptized when I was 8 or 9. I used to be a youth leader. But somewhere along the way, I began to notice that a lot of the people in church are judgmental and hypocritical. It's funny that I'm seeing these things now. I was 17 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I was still going to church and there I was - an unwed pregnant teenager. Do you think they snubbed me or turned their back on me or kicked me out of the church? Absolutely not. They loved me just as they always did and even threw me a baby shower. Now that is what I call loving like Jesus did.
Fast forward years later. I had just gotten married and I was four months pregnant with my son. Yes, I was pregnant before we got married. We were married in his church where he was a member but I had never joined. We didn't announce that I was pregnant because it really wasn't any one's business. After the marriage, and I began to show, well it was quite obvious that I was pregnant before we got married. Do you know that church sent him a letter REVOKING his membership from the church? The letter stated that he could still attend services and could still tithe, but he was no longer eligible to be a member. Wait a minute....ELIGIBLE? I'm sorry, I thought that was God's house. I ended up in a very heated discussion with one of the elders about just how WRONG their actions are, and after he told me that I needed to confess, I simply told him to f(*& off because the only one I needed to confess to was God and that was none of his business. Yes, I'm pretty foul-mouthed.
Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. My husband and I were youth leaders at a church. We got divorced. The church chose sides and snubbed me. That was the end of that church "family".
Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. I visited my best friend's cousin's church. The pastor spent 5 minutes preaching from the Bible, then spent 45 minutes telling us the dangers of women not wearing skirts and Harry Potter and the government and blah blah blah. When he told me that my daughter looks 16 and then handed me a published book of his own poetry, that was enough for me.
I've been told by several of my friends and even my grandparents that they want me to try their church. How it will be so nice and the kids and I will really enjoy it. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with their churches and I'm sure that they really do enjoy it. But I came to a conclusion yesterday. I do not want to go to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Just because I don't go to church does not mean that I don't believe in God.
As a matter of fact, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that there is a Higher Being out there that loves me and wants me to be happy. This Higher Being may not be the same for everyone. For some it may be Allah, for some it may be Buddha, for some it may be a pop can. For me it is God. And the God that I know and love does not look at the religious freaks blowing up abortion clinics in "the name of God" or the zealots flying planes into one or two or three buildings in "the name of Allah" and smile down at them while saying "thank you, all is good now". The God that I know and love doesn't want me to be sad or angry. He doesn't want me to be mean or vindictive. He wants me to be happy and to love myself and to love others. That is the God that I know and love. And, fortunately for me, I can find that all on my own and don't need a church to point me in the right direction.
So I'm glad that I've finally come to peace with this. I'm not going to feel guilty for not going to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty for what I believe either.
Fast forward years later. I had just gotten married and I was four months pregnant with my son. Yes, I was pregnant before we got married. We were married in his church where he was a member but I had never joined. We didn't announce that I was pregnant because it really wasn't any one's business. After the marriage, and I began to show, well it was quite obvious that I was pregnant before we got married. Do you know that church sent him a letter REVOKING his membership from the church? The letter stated that he could still attend services and could still tithe, but he was no longer eligible to be a member. Wait a minute....ELIGIBLE? I'm sorry, I thought that was God's house. I ended up in a very heated discussion with one of the elders about just how WRONG their actions are, and after he told me that I needed to confess, I simply told him to f(*& off because the only one I needed to confess to was God and that was none of his business. Yes, I'm pretty foul-mouthed.
Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. My husband and I were youth leaders at a church. We got divorced. The church chose sides and snubbed me. That was the end of that church "family".
Fast forward again. A different church, a different time. I visited my best friend's cousin's church. The pastor spent 5 minutes preaching from the Bible, then spent 45 minutes telling us the dangers of women not wearing skirts and Harry Potter and the government and blah blah blah. When he told me that my daughter looks 16 and then handed me a published book of his own poetry, that was enough for me.
I've been told by several of my friends and even my grandparents that they want me to try their church. How it will be so nice and the kids and I will really enjoy it. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with their churches and I'm sure that they really do enjoy it. But I came to a conclusion yesterday. I do not want to go to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Just because I don't go to church does not mean that I don't believe in God.
As a matter of fact, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that there is a Higher Being out there that loves me and wants me to be happy. This Higher Being may not be the same for everyone. For some it may be Allah, for some it may be Buddha, for some it may be a pop can. For me it is God. And the God that I know and love does not look at the religious freaks blowing up abortion clinics in "the name of God" or the zealots flying planes into one or two or three buildings in "the name of Allah" and smile down at them while saying "thank you, all is good now". The God that I know and love doesn't want me to be sad or angry. He doesn't want me to be mean or vindictive. He wants me to be happy and to love myself and to love others. That is the God that I know and love. And, fortunately for me, I can find that all on my own and don't need a church to point me in the right direction.
So I'm glad that I've finally come to peace with this. I'm not going to feel guilty for not going to church. And I'm not going to feel guilty for what I believe either.
List of the Day - New Things and Change
For me, it's not the act of changing or experiencing new things that I'm afraid of. It's the unknown. What if I don't like it, what if I fail, what if things are better the way they already are. I've been making it a point to do new things lately. Here are some of them:
1. Thai Food. I never wanted to try it before. I'm a steak and potatoes kind of lady, and that's just what I like. My best friend likes all difference types of food, so when he asked me last week if I wanted to go for Thai with him, I figured what the heck. I must say, on the whole I wasn't impressed. It was edible, but not something I would choose on my own. The highlight of the meal? The Thai Iced Coffee. Yummy!!! There was something else I liked, too, but I can't remember the name of it.
2. Rented a suite downtown. I have never done anything like that before, but spoiling myself just for the night was worth it. The hot tub was a blast and the two-room suite was magnificant. It was worth every dollar.
3. Weber's Grill. I've walked by it hundreds of times because it's a few blocks from my office. I love steak and wanted to try it. The atmosphere was nice, the waiter was nice, the wine closet was beautiful, but the food was only mediocre. I can't say I'd try it again, but the company was good. I just don't think the experience was worth the hour and twenty minute wait.
4. A family birthday party for my child and not inviting my ex-husband. This is kind of big for me. Since the divorce, I've always taken care of everything for my ex-husband and included him and his family in every holiday or every gathering. And why? Because I felt guilty. It hit me, finally, the other day. WE ARE DIVORCED!!!! I am not obligated to invite him or his family to anything. If they want to have something for one of the kids, then they need to do it. I shouldn't have made my family and my boyfriend and, most importantly, MYSELF, uncomfortable because I had some misappropriated sense of guilt.
5. A new train station. I took the train from the "new" station yesterday for the first time. I have been commuting downtown off and on for 8 years. Yesterday was the first time EVER that I have gotten off the train and been happy. I didn't worry about my car all day. I didn't have an annoying train ride with loud voices talking on their cell phones and ring tones with what I feel is inappropriate music blasting. I got off the train and didn't have to walk through a dirty street/parking lot wondering if I was going to get run over or propositioned. It was a very good experience, and I'm glad I made the decision to change my train station.
6. Getting my oil changed. My ex-husband is a mechanic and he has been taking care of my cars for 9 years. Even after we got divorced, he was the only one I would let work on my car. I swore up and down it's only because he's the only one I trust. That is partially true. But more of the truth is that I was too set in my ways and too cheap to find a new mechanic. Tomorrow I'm going to take my car to a Jiffy Lube or somewhere and have my oil changed. And you know what? I can do this.
7. Redfish. It's a bar/restaurant across the street from my work. I never thought about trying it because it looked pretty dingy from the outside. I went in yesterday for lunch and I was pleasantly surprised. I sat at the bar because I was alone and didn't want to take up a whole table to myself. The bartender was nice, friendly and more than happy to offer her suggestions. The place has a New Orleans theme to it. The best part is they have sweet tea. Being originally from Tennessee, it's hard to find places in Chicagoland where you can get sweet tea. You just grow accustomed to drinking it bitter or adding sugar that never disolves. I ordered the crab artichoke dip which is also something new for me. And it was delicious! I think I'll go there for lunch again today.
8. Paying a disgusting amount of money for a pair of jeans. I like nice things, but for some reason I have a problem paying a lot of money for an article of clothing unless it's a pair of shoes. I needed some new jeans and I went to Buckle last weekend. It was one of the best shopping experiences I've ever had. The staff if friendly and helpful without being in your face. They make suggestions and tell you if something looks good or bad on you. I ended up with one shirt, three camis, a sweater and two pairs of jeans without even checking the price tags. When I got home and was removing the tags from the jeans, I discovered that I paid $77 for one pair. Oh well, it was worth it.
9. A horse drawn carriage ride through the City at night. I hadn't done this in years, since my daughter was an infant in fact, and it was wonderful. It was romantic, enjoyable and the weather was perfect. I'd like to do it again when there's a light snow falling and I can be under a blanket.
10. Going to the museum alone. I'm uncomfortable doing things like that by myself. I don't know why. Probably because I'm such a people person. But right now there's no one in my life that would like to go with me, and there's an exhibit that I really want to see, so next Saturday I've decided that I'm going to go the the museum by myself. And I've decided that I'm going to have fun doing it, too.
1. Thai Food. I never wanted to try it before. I'm a steak and potatoes kind of lady, and that's just what I like. My best friend likes all difference types of food, so when he asked me last week if I wanted to go for Thai with him, I figured what the heck. I must say, on the whole I wasn't impressed. It was edible, but not something I would choose on my own. The highlight of the meal? The Thai Iced Coffee. Yummy!!! There was something else I liked, too, but I can't remember the name of it.
2. Rented a suite downtown. I have never done anything like that before, but spoiling myself just for the night was worth it. The hot tub was a blast and the two-room suite was magnificant. It was worth every dollar.
3. Weber's Grill. I've walked by it hundreds of times because it's a few blocks from my office. I love steak and wanted to try it. The atmosphere was nice, the waiter was nice, the wine closet was beautiful, but the food was only mediocre. I can't say I'd try it again, but the company was good. I just don't think the experience was worth the hour and twenty minute wait.
4. A family birthday party for my child and not inviting my ex-husband. This is kind of big for me. Since the divorce, I've always taken care of everything for my ex-husband and included him and his family in every holiday or every gathering. And why? Because I felt guilty. It hit me, finally, the other day. WE ARE DIVORCED!!!! I am not obligated to invite him or his family to anything. If they want to have something for one of the kids, then they need to do it. I shouldn't have made my family and my boyfriend and, most importantly, MYSELF, uncomfortable because I had some misappropriated sense of guilt.
5. A new train station. I took the train from the "new" station yesterday for the first time. I have been commuting downtown off and on for 8 years. Yesterday was the first time EVER that I have gotten off the train and been happy. I didn't worry about my car all day. I didn't have an annoying train ride with loud voices talking on their cell phones and ring tones with what I feel is inappropriate music blasting. I got off the train and didn't have to walk through a dirty street/parking lot wondering if I was going to get run over or propositioned. It was a very good experience, and I'm glad I made the decision to change my train station.
6. Getting my oil changed. My ex-husband is a mechanic and he has been taking care of my cars for 9 years. Even after we got divorced, he was the only one I would let work on my car. I swore up and down it's only because he's the only one I trust. That is partially true. But more of the truth is that I was too set in my ways and too cheap to find a new mechanic. Tomorrow I'm going to take my car to a Jiffy Lube or somewhere and have my oil changed. And you know what? I can do this.
7. Redfish. It's a bar/restaurant across the street from my work. I never thought about trying it because it looked pretty dingy from the outside. I went in yesterday for lunch and I was pleasantly surprised. I sat at the bar because I was alone and didn't want to take up a whole table to myself. The bartender was nice, friendly and more than happy to offer her suggestions. The place has a New Orleans theme to it. The best part is they have sweet tea. Being originally from Tennessee, it's hard to find places in Chicagoland where you can get sweet tea. You just grow accustomed to drinking it bitter or adding sugar that never disolves. I ordered the crab artichoke dip which is also something new for me. And it was delicious! I think I'll go there for lunch again today.
8. Paying a disgusting amount of money for a pair of jeans. I like nice things, but for some reason I have a problem paying a lot of money for an article of clothing unless it's a pair of shoes. I needed some new jeans and I went to Buckle last weekend. It was one of the best shopping experiences I've ever had. The staff if friendly and helpful without being in your face. They make suggestions and tell you if something looks good or bad on you. I ended up with one shirt, three camis, a sweater and two pairs of jeans without even checking the price tags. When I got home and was removing the tags from the jeans, I discovered that I paid $77 for one pair. Oh well, it was worth it.
9. A horse drawn carriage ride through the City at night. I hadn't done this in years, since my daughter was an infant in fact, and it was wonderful. It was romantic, enjoyable and the weather was perfect. I'd like to do it again when there's a light snow falling and I can be under a blanket.
10. Going to the museum alone. I'm uncomfortable doing things like that by myself. I don't know why. Probably because I'm such a people person. But right now there's no one in my life that would like to go with me, and there's an exhibit that I really want to see, so next Saturday I've decided that I'm going to go the the museum by myself. And I've decided that I'm going to have fun doing it, too.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Quote of the Day
"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
- Marcus Aurelius
- Marcus Aurelius
When the student is ready, the master will appear
The title of this blog comes from my best friend, but it seems like it's fitting for my own life and the things I've been experiencing as well. My own romantic love relationship has been falling apart for some time. What makes it all the more difficult is that this man was not only my lover, teacher, fan club and partner, he is also my best friend. This feeling of loss goes much deeper than a relationship gone bad. Anyway, the other day I decided to take a break from the relationship and take the time to fall in love with myself again. Making that choice and acting on it is taking a great leap of faith for me. For all I know, he could be out with a new girl every night of the week, meeting new women here and there and moving on from me. I keep reminding myself that if it's meant to be, it will be. When it is time.
That's a hard thing to remember. I get sad and lonely. I get angry with him and with myself. But I keep telling myself that I have to go through this "meantime" experience and once we are ready, if he is my divine love, which I believe and have always believed that he is, we will be together. This time period of pain and growth is only temporary and I need to use this to love myself, and others, again.
Sometimes I forget to remind myself. I play the "oh woe is me game, I'm such a victim, life sucks without him.....". A dear friend of mine is going through a separation. We've been each other's coaches in this meantime experience, as we are each going through similar experiences. She's confused. She doesn't know what to do. And what do I tell her? That I know how bad it hurts, and she needs to take this time and work on herself, and if it is meant to be, then it will be.
I have another friend who is going through a break-up with her boyfriend. She loves him so much and had planned a future with him. Unfortunately, he was wishy-washy in keeping the plans with her. She finally had enough and let him break up with her. Now she is heartbroken and sad and angry. And what do I tell her? To take this time for herself, and if it is meant to be, then it will be.
Last night my daughter called me late (she was at her dad's) and asked if she could come home. She was in tears. When she got there she was crying in my arms and I could barely understand her. I finally understood that she had been at church and her ex-boyfriend was there, her first love, the one she never got over. She said how seeing him hurt so bad and she just started to cry. He came over and put his arms around her and hugged her. It made it worse. She told me how much she misses him and wants to be with him. I told her I know how bad she's hurting right now, and if it is meant to be, then it will be. Not in her time, not in his time, but in God's time.
Like I said: when the student is ready, the master will appear.
That's a hard thing to remember. I get sad and lonely. I get angry with him and with myself. But I keep telling myself that I have to go through this "meantime" experience and once we are ready, if he is my divine love, which I believe and have always believed that he is, we will be together. This time period of pain and growth is only temporary and I need to use this to love myself, and others, again.
Sometimes I forget to remind myself. I play the "oh woe is me game, I'm such a victim, life sucks without him.....". A dear friend of mine is going through a separation. We've been each other's coaches in this meantime experience, as we are each going through similar experiences. She's confused. She doesn't know what to do. And what do I tell her? That I know how bad it hurts, and she needs to take this time and work on herself, and if it is meant to be, then it will be.
I have another friend who is going through a break-up with her boyfriend. She loves him so much and had planned a future with him. Unfortunately, he was wishy-washy in keeping the plans with her. She finally had enough and let him break up with her. Now she is heartbroken and sad and angry. And what do I tell her? To take this time for herself, and if it is meant to be, then it will be.
Last night my daughter called me late (she was at her dad's) and asked if she could come home. She was in tears. When she got there she was crying in my arms and I could barely understand her. I finally understood that she had been at church and her ex-boyfriend was there, her first love, the one she never got over. She said how seeing him hurt so bad and she just started to cry. He came over and put his arms around her and hugged her. It made it worse. She told me how much she misses him and wants to be with him. I told her I know how bad she's hurting right now, and if it is meant to be, then it will be. Not in her time, not in his time, but in God's time.
Like I said: when the student is ready, the master will appear.
Illinois I-Pass
Quite some time ago, Illinois redid our toll plazas to make way for the I-Pass. It's this really neat device that you stick on your windshield and you get to go through instead of stopping. The sensor reads it and deducts the amount of the toll from your pre-existing checking account. It actually saves you money because if you don't have an I-Pass and stop at the toll plaza, the toll is doubled. Plus, some of the toll plazas back up for a mile since they reduced the number of workers. I've been stuck in one for 45 minutes before.
My best friend and I used to share an I-Pass, meaning that it was registered to both our cars. That worked out well because whenever we were on the toll road we were usually in one car. He has since moved out and I decided that I need to get my own. I'm going to a new train station now since they broke into my car at the old one, and the fastest way is for me to get on the toll road instead of taking the back roads and risk getting stopped by one or more trains. I discovered that you can sign up on-line and they will mail the device to your house.
The only problem is....I DON'T KNOW MY LICENSE PLATE NUMBER!!!!!. I would say I'm having a blonde moment, but since I dyed my hair dark again I don't think I can get away with that. The truth is, I never bothered to pay attention to what my license plate number is. And every time I think about looking at it, I'm nowhere near my car! Ahhhh, the life of me ;-)
My best friend and I used to share an I-Pass, meaning that it was registered to both our cars. That worked out well because whenever we were on the toll road we were usually in one car. He has since moved out and I decided that I need to get my own. I'm going to a new train station now since they broke into my car at the old one, and the fastest way is for me to get on the toll road instead of taking the back roads and risk getting stopped by one or more trains. I discovered that you can sign up on-line and they will mail the device to your house.
The only problem is....I DON'T KNOW MY LICENSE PLATE NUMBER!!!!!. I would say I'm having a blonde moment, but since I dyed my hair dark again I don't think I can get away with that. The truth is, I never bothered to pay attention to what my license plate number is. And every time I think about looking at it, I'm nowhere near my car! Ahhhh, the life of me ;-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
