An Open Letter (directed to those who have overstepped their boundaries and a warning to those who plan to)

Dear You People Know Who You Are:

I find it funny that you claim to be my friend and only want what's best for me, but because you disagree with who I love you think that gives you the right to run your mouth.

You can write your blogs, you can send me the texts, you can send me the emails, you can talk behind my back...but it's not going to change my mind. See, I've changed and so has he. And frankly, I couldn't care less what anybody thinks about me, or him. Because I love him. And he loves me. And your petty little criticisms or biting comments only serve to prove to me that you aren't worthy of being in my life. Furthermore, I have many wonderful friends who are anxious to meet him and get to know him, because they know how important he is to me.

Want to talk about friendship? When I told my best friend that he and I are back together, I didn't hear one word of doubt come out of her mouth. All I heard was encouragement. When I call her and ask her for advice, she tells me what I can do different. She's happy because I'm happy. When I sent her some photos that he took of me, she was so impressed that she wanted to see more of his work. When I spoke to her last night and it was brought up, she complimented him again. I believe her exact words were "I can see what you see in him, and I'm happy for you."

He and I spent far too long letting other people's opinions and lies interfere in our relationship, and that's a big reason why we had so many problems in the past. The key words are "in the past". He and I will never make the mistake again of letting an outside person come into our relationship.

If you want to be in my life, you will accept him, or you don't accept me. It's as simple as that.

~J

List of the Day - Why I'm Happy Today

With my surgery in exactly two weeks, I've become completely and totally stressed out...even more than I normally am. After a jam packed weekend of putting together furniture and scrubbing the baseboards, short tempered outbursts toward anyone who got in my way, and a meltdown on the phone with my BF last night, I decided this morning to focus on the things that make me happy so I don't drive everyone in my life crazy during the next two weeks.

1. Angel Girl brought her grades up. Good for her. That means that I won't find any F's on her report card this grading period.

2. T-Man was my helper all weekend. I drug him shopping Saturday and Sunday. We had furniture laid out on the floor much of the weekend, the living room was in disarray, and I had him helping me move furniture and hand me tools all weekend. He was a great sport, and a great helper.

3. My BF let me have a meltdown on the phone last night and didn't try to shut me up or force me to quit crying. I know I was being completely emotional. I know I'm freaking out and he knows I'm freaking out and when I freak out about one thing I freak out about everything. I'm grateful that he LISTENED to me.

4. I finally got to eat my leftover salmon for lunch. I know it's silly, but my BF cooked dinner for us the other night, and I've been looking forward to the leftovers ever since, and today I finally got to eat them. Yes, they were super yummy.

5. My attorneys are going to be taken care of the week that I'm out. This was a huge worry for me. All 3 of them really depend on me, and it seems like over the past four months they've been depending on me even more and giving me a lot more responsibility, and leaving them in the hands of someone else for a week has had me completely stressed out. I talk to one of the powers that be, and she gave me an extension for one of the deadlines for them until I'm back in the office. That's a huge thing because now they don't have to worry about someone else doing that project and complaining or screwing it up.

Ok, those are the 5 things that make me happy today. I'm still totally emotional and completely overwhelmed, but I get to see My Vics this weekend. In two weeks I'll have to rely on my BF and my friends, and that's going to be hard for me because I'm used to doing things my way, myself. But it'll be ok. Things will fall into place. Maybe I'll learn to relax and then won't be so high strung. Or at least I'll be able to enjoy the company of those that I love.

My voting experience

Today’s the day. I voted. Now, I haven’t voted in 8 years. If you know me, then you know WHY I haven’t voted in 8 years. But that’s a story for another day. The funny thing is, when I used to vote, 8 years ago and beyond, I was a Republican. Hee hee hee…I know, it’s funny!

First, some background. 8 ½ years ago when I got my driver's license changed to my married name, I was still in the accounting field. I had no reason to sign my name any other way but legibly. So let’s fast forward a bit to about 3 years ago, January of 2006. I had had it with suburban work life, I had had it with small minded suburbanites, I had had it with not being surrounded by culture, T-Man was going to start kindergarten that year, and I wanted to go back downtown. So I sent out my resume, immediately got contacted by a sole practioner attorney who was in the heart of the Loop. He also did strictly litigation, and I became his litigation paralegal. What a huge leap from an accounting clerk huh. Anyway, this attorney of mine did business one way and one way only: the best defense is a great offense. And go on the offense he did. I loved it. It was perfect. Unfortunately, opposing counsel oftentimes didn’t like his defensive offense, and his previous paralegals had their deps noticed up many times. Yea. I wasn’t going to have that happen to me, so I learned to sign my name very, ummm, illegibly. There was no way anyone was going to be able to figure out my name to notice up my dep. Not in this lifetime!

So…today. I go to vote. I get there at about 7:10, figuring oh the lines are never long, I’ll have plenty of time to stop at DD and still make my early train. Hee hee, I’m so silly! The line was out the door!!! And to make matters worse, they had three different precincts at my voting place! Luckily I got in the line closest to me, which happened to be the correct line for my precinct, because can you imagine the people who got in the wrong line and then had to wait in line twice? That would have sucked! And I saw that happen, too. I get up to the table and lady number one finds my sheet and has me sign my name. Well, because she had folded it I didn’t see that it had my signature already preprinted on the form, so I just signed my name the way I usually sign it…with a J and 2 loops. I get to lady number two, and she tells me that my signatures don’t match. Of course they don’t match, I haven’t had to resign my driver’s license in 8 years and that’s the signature they have for me on file! Then she asks for my driver’s license because my voter ID card wasn’t good enough, and she wanted to compare signatures. Well, the picture on my license is 8 years old. The signature is 8 years old. So it was just silly. And I was holding up the line. Anyway, that fiasco was momentarily taken care of. I say momentarily because mark my words, if there is an election dispute, I can practically guarantee that my name will get lumped as one of the ballots being disputed (trust me, I used to do election law, we’ve disputed many elections and I know the process). Blah.

Well, at least I voted. Oh, and what’s cool, I knew the names of the Judges on the ballot and I actually was an informed voter when I made my choice on whether to keep them or not. That was pretty cool. It was also pretty cool to see that Senator Donne E. Trotter was up for reelection. He’s friends with one of my best friends, Cindi Pallick so I had to pleasure of meeting him a few times.

And that’s that. Pam is running for mayor next year, but I don’t live in that town so I won’t be voting. I’m also to busy nowadays to work on any campaigns anymore. Besides, I left politics behind three years ago, and don’t really have the desire to get involved anymore beyond going to fundraisers when I have a chance.

So….happy election day!

Another Random Friday

I can't wait for this election to be over. I'm sick of opening up my Reader and finding about 200 blogs all written about the candidates. I'm sick of hearing people who claim they aren't racist bash Barack Obama in a back-handed racist manner (i.e. ...well, if Barack wins all the black people will riot). I'm sick of hearing people talk about abortion. I'm sick of being talked down to, or insulted, because I say that the government or the Church shouldn't have the right to tell us what to do with our bodies (i.e. ...oh, that's such a liberal statement). I just want to vote, find out who the president is going to be, and then get on with my life.

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Speaking of politics, which I hate, Pam Cap is having her Halloween Costume Party tonight. I'm so excited! I love playing dress up! Oh, and Barrack Obama will be right down the street from my house tonight for a rally. I have to tell you, once I found that out it was a huge dilemma for me to decide if I wanted to go to the costume party or experience this once in a lifetime opportunity. I chose the costume party, but I'm debating stopping off there before I go. We'll see.

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I wonder if it's possible to have physical withdrawal from an emotional addiction. Sunday I gave something up, and ever since Monday I've been feeling out of sorts. I walk around with anxiety in my stomach, it's hard to breathe, I can't sleep, I'm not sad but I feel so listless. It's actually very reminiscent of all the times I quit smoking, only without the crabbiness.
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Two more weeks and I'm flying to St. Louis to spend the weekend with my best friend. Oh I can't wait. I can't believe I haven't been down to see her in so many months. I'm planning on doing one or two photo shoots while I'm there and she'll will be coming with me, so that's awesome. The only thing that I'm kind of bummed about is that Mike will be out of town that weekend so I won't get to spend any time him. I suppose that's a good thing, though. If he were in town, I'd spend every night with him and miss out on the silly drunken pajama dancing that My Vics and I are known for!
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My final pre-surgery appointment with the plastic surgeon is on Thursday. I just transferred the balance of what I owe him into my checking account. I got my hoop taken out of my cartilage and replaced with a barbell so I can easily remove it prior to surgery. I've made the list of people for Carla to call once I come out of surgery. As much as I've talked about it and as much as I've scheduled around it, it is finally becoming real to me. I'm starting to get nervous, too. I'm sure everything will be wonderful, it's just becoming very real to me that I'm doing this all on my own, with no boyfriend or husband, and that is weird to me. Old habits and thought patterns die hard I guess.

Happy Halloween everybody!

What do you do when you don’t believe in anything?

I used to believe in the God of the Bible. I wasn’t a Bible thumper (fundamentalist), but I was peaceful. I had faith. I BELIEVED in something. My faith didn’t waiver, and I knew that whatever I was faced with, God would bring me through. I didn’t believe in coincidence. I believed that every person that was in my life was there for a reason. I believed that everything that happened in my life happened for a reason. I was filled with love and I was filled with faith, and I was happy.

And then I stopped believing…in anything. I stopped believing in God. I lost my faith in anything and everything. And I certainly didn’t believe in the healing power of love anymore. And right now, I’m so disgusted with people who talk about God, people who talk about love, people who talk about having faith, I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.

I got into it with a crazy woman the other night. She’s sitting there screaming at me in front of my 8-year-old son, hurling insults and false accusations and throwing the topic that she needs to keep out of her mouth in my face…this all came about because I hung up on her because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say….I’m sitting there, very calmly, on the phone with her son saying “your mother’s drunk again…she won’t close my car door and if I start to drive she’ll accuse me of trying to run her over….she won’t be quiet…T-man is right here….”. The woman wouldn’t stop. I mean, it got to where I finally had to take my i-pod and put the headphones in T-man’s ears so he wouldn’t hear her insane rants. And the best part? She looks at me and says…”God is going to punish you.” I couldn’t help myself, I burst out laughing. She thinks she has a “get out of hell” card and so that gives her the right to act like a maniac, and then tell ME that God is going to punish me? Well, thank goodness I don’t believe in HER God.

I used to have FAITH. I used to believe in LOVE. I used to believe in GOD. When someone says they LOVE you and then turns around and acts like a devil, how is that love? When it happens over and over and over again, how can you have FAITH? And when the GOD that you grew up believing in and loving just bails on you….in addition to all the nutcases that bomb abortion clinics or crash into buildings or tell you you’re going to burn in hell because you’re not like them…all in the name of God or Allah or whatever the hell they want to call him, well, can anyone blame me for not believing in God anymore?

Remember when you were a little kid and were learning about the rapture in Sunday School and seeing the movies about the rapture during Sunday night services? Did you ever come home and your parents weren’t home and your brother was gone….and get scared half to death thinking that the rapture happened and you weren’t taken? It’s pretty fucked up when one has to use threats and intimidation to get others to join them, and it’s especially fucked up when it’s directed toward children.

So now that I no longer believe in God or have faith (in anything) or believe in the power of love, what do I do?

Status of My Journey….Day Two

I often embark on these paths of self-improvement. I think it’s important to take an inventory of yourself and see what you can improve on. We’re constantly changing and what may have worked for us in the past may not work for us now. I can quite honestly say that this journey that I’ve begun is one that has me pretty scared. I’m afraid not only of failing, but I’m afraid that I’m going to give away my power yet again. Part of me is afraid that I’m going to lose myself and turn into a woman that the One I love isn’t going to want (ha, how’s that going to be different than now, right). Most importantly, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find balance. I’m a bit manic (i.e. totally intense), and happy mediums aren’t something that I’m familiar with. I’m usually at one extreme or the other. So this is really going to be tough in a lot of ways, but I’m not one who lets fear hold her back.

My inspiration for this journey is the One that I love. While he is not my reason for the change in myself that I’m trying to bring about, he is my inspiration. Since the Breakup, I’ve kept myself insanely busy with my kids, my career, my friends, photoshoots and the gym. For some reason I could not fall asleep the other night, and once I finally did, I was, as is usual, tortured with dreams of Him. I woke up at around 2 a.m. and laid awake for 3 hours, tossing and turning in my bed and in my mind. That night I was more tortured than usual, as an image of his face from something I said to him while we were in Pittsburgh, almost two years ago, kept replaying through my mind. I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the image in my brain or if it was just the moment that I finally learned this particular lesson that the Universe had been trying to teach me, but that’s when I decided I can’t do it like that anymore.

Last night I was talking to the Angel Girl, mom to not-a-girl-but-not-yet-a-woman, and I explained to her where I’m at, the decision that I made, and how badly I hurt the One that I love. I told her how it started all those years ago, when my visions of fairytales and happily after evers were interrupted by a cheating boyfriend, and that since that time, when I was not too much older than she is now, I learned to hate males and to do what it takes to protect myself. I told her about the One that I love, and shared some things that she didn’t know. I think it’s important to say that she no longer looks at him as a monster who hurt her mom beyond repair, and while I didn’t excuse any of the things that he and I put each other through this past year, I did make it clear how badly I hurt the One who only wanted to love me in the beginning. I sat there with tears in my eyes, telling her how I don’t want her to wait until she’s 33 to learn this lesson, and that she needs to try so hard not to lump all males into the same box, and to look at each person as an individual, and not to punish all future males because of the hurt that was caused by one in her past. I very honestly told her how I’m learning to change because it’s what I need to do for me, but also that I have hopes of winning the love of the One that I love back, and to somehow gain his forgiveness and TRUST again.

Life still goes on, you know, and looking at me no one would know what goes on in my head. One could think that I’m pretty shallow, but when I think, I think deeply. When I feel, I feel strongly. And while I’m hoping that it’s not too late to save and reignite the most beautiful love that He and I have ever known, whatever happens I’m going to stop hating, and hurting, men.

Totally Random Friday

It’s raining. I was in such a peaceful happy mood this morning…I thought it would be nice to be kissed in the rain. Didn’t happen this morning, but maybe sometime soon as our rainy season is here.

The Angel Girl brought here grades up and is no longer suspended from cheerleading. Yay for her…I’m totally proud of her. Of course, she is STILL grounded…

T-Man is a riot. Last night the Angel Girl and I were sitting on the couch sharing a can of frosting, but we didn’t want to share with T-Man, so every time he walked in the room we put pillows in from of our faces and started giggling. He started giggling too and the Angel Girl said, in typical big sister fashion “You don’t even know what we’re laughing about.” His reply? “Uh huh….FROSTING!!!” Of course, that just made the Angel Girl and I completely dissolve into laughter.

I’ve been collaborating with a photog and I can say that this is one shoot where my artistic side is completely coming out. I was perusing the works of Helmut Newton (link is NOT work safe) one day and was inspired…it just so happens that this photog that I’m collaborating with is totally getting my vision..so I’m excited!

It’s Friday. I’m thinking of doing the pumpkin patch tomorrow…I failed last year as mommy in that regard, and T-Man isn’t going to be that into stuff like that for too many more years….now to find one that’s cool and easily accessible!

That’s it…my randomness for the day. Happy Friday everyone ;-)