So let me tell you about this guy I know…..

There are times in our lives when we meet a person who is so extraordinary that we become a better person just by knowing them. This is the case with me and R.

Before I met him, I was happy person, but I wasn't very excited about life. I was content in my life. I had tons of friends. I was close with my family. I had a job which I liked. I was constantly doing things. But I had no ambition. As much as I had going on in my life, I was pretty resigned to the “fact” that this is my life, these are the cards I was dealt, I wasn’t going to accomplish anything more, not to bother having any dreams or goals for myself, and that I was never going to meet the one who was perfect for me in every way. And then, by a bizarre twist of fate, R walked into me life.

This man is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. And you know what? He’s all self-taught. He has so much ambition, so much drive, you know that when he sets his mind to do something, he WILL do it. He’s not only knowledgeable about things like WWII, computers, religion, politics, photography, home improvement, travel, languages, history, music, finances (see what I mean), but this man has the type of integrity, honor and class that is rare in most people you meet today. And there’s more. When he loves you, he loves you with everything that he has. He will bend over backwards to be there for you. You never have to question where you stand in his life. He’s the most loyal person I’ve ever known. He would sooner be hurt himself than to ever cause pain to the one that he loves. There are so many admirable traits about this man that if I kept writing it would fill a book.

Because I had the blessing of having him in my life, I’ve become a better person. I’ve set, and achieved, goals that I never thought I would reach. I’ve began to live dreams that I had long since (pre-motherhood) given up on. I’ve traveled to places I never thought I would see. I’ve been loved unconditionally, and taught to love the same way. I’ve learned that these really are the best years of my life, and I’ve been lucky enough to share them with him.

Life with him hasn’t always been easy, and I know he’ll be the first to say that life with me isn’t always easy. Being a man coming into a relationship with a single mom is not easy. Actually, it was probably one of the most difficult things he’s ever had to do. But he didn’t give up. Dealing with the ghost of my ex was no picnic for him either. But, again, he didn’t give up. I had the misfortune of having pathetic people whisper in my ear about him. That wasn’t easy either. And, while my kids can still be difficult (as all children are), and my ex still sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong, and I still get people telling me lies about him, none of it matters. He and I have stuck it out and are able to sit back and laugh.

R’s brother said something to me that I’ve kept going back to lately…”true love never dies”. And it’s true. R and I have had our ups, we’ve had a lot of downs, but when you love the way we love each other, no outside source is going to be able to break that. Thanks, R, my superhero, for enriching my life. I wouldn’t trade these past years for anything, and I hope to have 50 more with you.

It’s all a matter of perspective….

I find it funny how life goes in cycles. I mean, when you’re in the midst of a drama or a heartache you certainly don’t see it like that, but when you’re happy and life is good, it’s easier to see how life works.

A month and a half ago my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, I had alienated myself from most of my friends, I had been hibernating for so long I forgot what it was like to go out, I felt horrible about myself and didn’t want to look in the mirror, I was getting ready to begin a court battle with my ex-husband, my daughter hated me, and my grandma almost died. Yea, life certainly SUCKED. While I was going through it, I did what most people would do and played the “poor me, why is this happening to me” saga. Of course, that certainly didn’t help anything. I don’t know how or when it happened, but one day I woke up and decided I needed a plan.

So I sat down, tried to regain some perspective, and made a plan. No, life didn’t magically get better. But what did happen is I found myself able to cope. I found myself not dwelling on the negative. I lost that feeling of hopelessness and removed myself from that victim role that’s so easy to fall into. I began to live.

I’ve had trouble sleeping this past week so at night I lay in bed and my mind goes crazy. The past couple nights I’ve been taking inventory of my life and realized that life really is good. The boyfriend and I aren’t together, but we are slowly learning to communicate again. I’ve reconnected with tons of my friends and at the same time cut one or two who were bad for me out of my life. I find myself getting out of the house more, and when I am home, I don’t consider it hibernating…I consider it enjoying the peace and serenity. I walk with my head up and embrace the world….and funny how many people stop to talk to me or ask if they can give me their number. I’ve made a couple new friends. My ex-husband and I have reached a tentative truce, my daughter and I are getting along, and my grandma is home and doing better.

Life isn’t perfect, but I chose to focus on the good. The bad or the annoying or the frustrating is still there, but I don’t allow it to consume me. Yes, it really is all a matter of perspective.

Note to the superhero…since I know you’re reading this…..thanks for the late night phone conversations this week. Hearing myself say it out loud made it real to me…that’s why I said it’s an unfamiliar concept.

Quote of the Day

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.

Guess what….I’m happy!!!

Last night I was talking with R, letting him know all that’s been going on in my life. I was just talking, talking, talking away….telling him how I changed around my workout routine and how excited I am because I’m seeing the results already. Telling him how I’m kicking ass on my debt….medical bills from my angel girl are all paid off and now I’m focusing on my credit cards. Telling him about my meeting with a photographer that occurred….how it went, what our ideas were, and the photo shoot that we have scheduled. Telling him about the work I’ve been doing on the house….what I have left to do and when I’m going to put it up for sale. Telling him about the appointment I have on Friday….how I feel about it, etc. Telling him about my 1 year plan, my 1 ½ year plan, my 11 year plan, and hearing him laugh with me as I wondered out loud what I’m going to do for the 9 years between my 2 year plan and my 11 year plan. Yea, sometimes I get silly like that. He had me try on the new clothes that I bought…going shopping without him the other day was not an easy thing, but I did it anyway. And I’m only returning one thing! I told him how I’ve been spending time with my girlfriends, been spending time with the kids, about how I’m going to the Taste on Sunday, about the concert I’m going to see.

The funny thing is, I’m laying there next to him listening to myself talking about what’s been going on in my life, and it hit me: I’m actually happy. For the past month, instead of focusing on the fact that R was gone and how sad I was, I kept myself busy and focused on my goals so I didn’t have to feel the pain. And somehow it worked. I got happy. I started rediscovering myself. I’m slowing becoming, once again, the woman that R fell in love with, but more importantly, the woman that I love. Because of my positive outlook, because for the most part I continued to grow and work on myself instead of becoming depressed, R and I are slowly becoming reacquainted. And you know what’s great about that? He gets to take me out on dates!!!! Yeppers, I get to find new reasons to adore him, and he gets to find new reasons to adore me.

It took a bit to knock me out of my pessimistic mode, but now that I’m out of it I hold my head up high again. Yes, life is good. I am definitely happy.

All in the Name of “Love” – When a Strong Woman Loses Herself

The majority of my girlfriends are single moms like myself; having had their oldest at a young age and being presently divorced. By having our children at such a young age, we were thrust into responsibilities that we weren’t emotionally ready for. While our friends were off at college, we were busy changing diapers. While our friends were trying to figure out what they wanted to be when they “grew up”, we were balancing our checkbooks and managing our households. When our friends had problems they were able to turn to their parents for help. When we had a problem, we were left to come up with a solution on our own. Basically, we grew up with our children. While we wouldn’t trade our babies for the world, we missed out on the “normal” process of maturing through “typical” life experiences. Because of this, we became strong women, but we were also fiercely independent. We learned young that we couldn’t depend on a man. We learned that if we love someone too much they’ll leave us. We learned that the only person we could count on was ourselves. We learned to protect our hearts, to love from a distance, and that if we could control the world around us, everything would be ok.

And then we hit our 30’s. Our oldest were now teenagers, our youngest were off at school. We had our homes, we had our careers, we had our 1-year plan, our 2-year plan, and our 10-year plan. The only thing that we didn’t have in our lives was true, deep, lasting, grown-up love.

As it so happened, each of us met the men who literally took our breath away and swept us off our feet. We each were blessed with an amazing man who loved us the way we had never been loved before. They touched a part of us, deep within, that made us remember the fairytales we believed in as little girls. Unfortunately, this same love that we secretly, silently yearned for was the same love that scared the hell out of us. We got what we always wanted and it was the one thing that we could not handle. So we sabotaged it.

We tested our men. We accused them of cheating. We criticized them. We withheld our affection. We kept them at a distance, emotionally, physically and mentally. We pushed them away at every twist and turn. These men, they loved us so much. But a man can only take so much. And when they finally had enough, they left us. Some left for another woman. Some just left.

Over the past year, I’ve watched three of my girlfriends and myself turn from being a strong, independent woman into a crying, depressed, clingy, needy, suicidal shell of her former self. One of my girlfriends had a nervous breakdown when her man left and ended up in the hospital for a month. Last night, my best friend called me and told me that she tried to kill herself and is now in the hospital. The other day her man told her he didn’t love her the way he used to and ended the relationship. As for myself, well, I’m better than I was a year ago the first time he left me. Mine has been gone this time for a month, and while my heart is broken, I can function. Working out like a maniac helps a lot. Therapy helps a lot, too.

So how did this happen? How did 3 incredibly strong, independent women turn into this? What is the lesson here? Is it never to love again? I can’t do that. I love my ex so much and will continue loving him. My girlfriends love their exes and, like me, can’t picture growing old without being side by side by these men that we love. How do we keep ourselves from turning into weak, dependent women? How do we keep ourselves from pushing the one we love, but more importantly, the one who loves us, away?

I was talking to this guy last night and he was telling me his side of the relationship coin. Being a woman, when I hear something I usually empathize or relate to the woman. For once, my ears were open and I could hear it from a different perspective. It really opened my eyes to the things my ex had been saying to me. Not to say that he’s completely right because it does take two. It’s just that I had never been able to hear what he was saying, maybe because 1) I was so emotionally involved in the situation my brain shut off and 2) because he was so emotionally involved in the situation he couldn’t get his point across without saying it harshly. At any rate, I decided that I can’t let the loss of this love destroy me. I am a strong, successful woman and will make it. I don’t want to keep people at a distance anymore. I also don’t want anyone but my love. But all the trying I was doing only made me more pathetic in his eyes. I’m not going to over-try it anymore. I’m going to be myself, the woman he fell in love with, the woman that I love. And if that’s not enough for him, well, at least I’ll have me back.

Be honest, he says….

Oh honestly, is honesty really the best policy? I mean, what does he want to hear from me? Does he want me to tell him how much I love him? No, I doubt it because every time I do tell him, his response is “I hear ya.” Would he like me to admit that I can be an asshole at times? No, I’m pretty sure I’ve admitted that on more than one occasion. He tells me he wants me to be the woman that he respects again. Well, the woman that he used to respect is the woman who told him, over and over again, not to try his shit with me cuz I wasn’t going to put up with it. Remember those days? And if I were to be honest, I would have to say that it breaks my heart, it makes me sick to my stomach, I get dizzy when I think of him being with another woman. And while I want to be the woman who doesn’t feel those things, so that he can respect me, I can honestly say that the reason that I feel that way is because I fell in love with him. He tells me that I act needy and clingy. Yes, I can honestly say that there are times when I act that way. I can also honestly say that it makes me sick that I can act like the type of woman that I despise, but I can also honestly say that if I were the woman I was before I met him, I wouldn’t care enough to act that way because I wouldn’t feel. I can honestly say that for the past year I’ve wanted to love him the way he used to love me. I can honestly say that it’s not an easy feat when you’re being punished. It’s also not easy when you feel so guilty for how you treated him, but are also scared to death of losing the one man you’ve ever loved. He wants honesty? Well here it is…..

I treated you like shit for a long time. You loved me unconditionally and I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of you leaving me so I tested you over and over and over again. Nothing you did was enough to prove to me that you loved me and wouldn’t leave me. By the time I realized that it was safe to love you, I had already pushed you away. I spent the next year trying to love you, all the while being punished; by you and by myself. You finally decide to leave me and try and find another who will make you happy and I’m devastated. Do I deserve what I got? Absolutely. Because now, when I try to talk to you, when I try to talk our problems through (which incidentally is what you tried to do all along), you don’t want to hear it. It took me too long to get my head out of my past and see the jewel that was right in front of me. And now, it’s too late. We can’t go back, and neither of us has the patience to fix where we went wrong.

So, there’s your honesty babe. I fucked up in the beginning and everything since then has been one big tit-for-tat game that we’re so good at playing. I can honestly say that I met my match in you. I can honestly say that I’ve never met a person as passionate, loving, intense, and stubborn as myself; until you. I can honestly say that I’ve never loved another the way I love you. And I can honestly say that, if you were to want to try again, I’d say yes.

A Woman's Hidden Strength - Her Girlfriends

Thank God for our girlfriends. They keep us sane. They listen to us talk about whatever’s on our mind, over and over and over again. They console us when we cry, agree with us when we’re pissed, come over and hang out with us so that we don’t lay around on the couch all day. They remind us of all the shit we’ve gone through and remind us that we’ll get through this too. They tell us how beautiful we are, even though we don’t feel very beautiful with puffy eyes and mascara streaks on our face. They make us go out and socialize.

I don’t have an exact count of the number of times I’ve cried with my girlfriends after they’ve been hurt by a man. I can’t say how many times I’ve been there when they swore they wouldn’t go back to him, only to melt when he’s called. So many times I’ve encouraged my girls, stood by my girls, listened to my girls, made them laugh, cried with them, hoped with them that maybe this time it’ll be different. I was their strength, I was their back bone, I was their cheerleader, I was their voice of reason.

And they have all been the same for me. When I’ve said “I’m done”, they’re right there saying “you go girl”. When I’ve said “I can’t do it, it hurts too bad”, they’re right there saying “don’t give up”. When I’ve said “we’re trying again”, they’re right there saying “it’ll work out this time”. And when I’ve said “no more, I can’t go back, help me stay away”, they’re right there saying “we’ll get you through this”.

You think when you’re in your 30’s and you have your career and you have your kids and you know who you are that your relationships will get easier and you won’t need your girls like you did when you were a teenager. The thing is, you may have your career all figured out and you may have the whole parenting thing under control and you may even have figured out what makes you, you, but the romantic relationships get harder and the heartbreak seems to hurt worse. If anything, my girls and I have needed each other more now than we did in high school.

So, to my girls, thank you.