Quote of the Day

"He who angers you conquers you."

- Elizabeth Kenny

Just Love Me

I look in your eyes and I see the pain. I know how badly you hurt. You were so good to me, so kind, so giving, so compassionate, so loving. You were my best friend. The man who taught me how to love. The man who taught me to believe. The man who taught me how to open my heart. I know I wasn’t always the greatest to you. I know that I would let my mouth or my crabbiness get the better of me and I know that I always took it out on you. I didn’t tell you often enough how much you mean to me. I didn’t tell you how proud of you I am, how impressed by you I am, how grateful I am that you are in my life. I took you for granted and I just always expected you to be there. Until the one day you weren’t.

I know what I did. I know how much you put up with. God I love you so much. Please forgive me. Forgive me baby. Open your heart, open your arms, just love me again. You say it’s easier to just walk away. To not feel anything. To harden your heart and be cold and uncaring. I know you miss me. I know you miss the closeness that we shared, the intimate moments, the love. Hold on to the memories. Remember all that is good. Remember and feel it again. We can do this. Don’t give up on us baby. You’ve known as long as I’ve known that we are meant for each other. Our souls long to be joined again. Our hearts long for the other again. Take a chance. Remember…..jumping in with both feet and having faith that you won’t drown. I did it once….a year ago. I’ve never regretted it. Months ago you begged me to have faith in us. You begged me to not give up on us. I’m asking you to do the same now. Have faith in us. Have faith in our love. Don’t give up on us. Just love me again. Love me the way you used to. Love me like the man in the photo. Just love me.

Still Rockin'

Last night I went and saw Genesis. It was absolutely incredible. This is the fourth concert that I've seen this year, and Genesis has to be the best one yet, with Billy Joel a close second. It isn't a surprise that the musicians whose careers have spanned longer than my lifetime are the shows that I enjoyed the most. Don't get me wrong, the My Chem show and the Breaking Benjamin show were great. I love their music, and those are the cd's that I listen to the most. But as far as putting on a good performance and the crowds that see those shows, there is no comparison to Genesis or Billy Joel. I had the most incredible seats last night....right by the stage, six rows up. I was literally one down (love my football) away from Phil Collins. The only thing that I was disappointed in last night was that they didn't play one of the three songs I wanted to hear: In the Air Tonight (yes, I know it was one of Phil's singles), Take Me Home (another single, but featured Peter Gabrial), and Against All Odds (yes, another single). All in all, it was an incredible night, and definitly worth not getting home until 2:00 a.m. I'll leave you with this.

And the Lessons Keep Coming

It’s been almost three years since we parted ways. He was my best friend, nothing more and nothing less. I was separated from my husband, getting ready to file for divorce, and he was in the same boat. Tragedy struck, his tragedy, and I never left his side, just as he never left my side when my world came crashing down. To this day, no one has ever known the way that he did. No one has ever been as close to me in the way that he was. He could look at me and know what I was thinking before I was able to put it into words. He knew if I was lost in my head by the sound of my breathing. He coached me to eat when all I wanted to do was smoke and drink coffee. He kept me from sitting on a barstool every night. He was my life preserver when all I wanted to do was drown.

In the midst of my troubles, he had a tragedy of his own. A tragedy so severe it almost destroyed him. I held his hand as he cried. I stood by his side and told the truth to those who mattered when he could have lost it all. I told others to shut their mouths when they gossiped and lied about him. I spent time with him so that he wouldn’t forget how to live.

And one day it came to an end. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn’t understand how, why, after everything we had been through together he could just leave. It took months for me to find my way again. Months of drinking, months of therapy, months of being numb. Finally I was able to pick my head up and go on with my life. I still didn’t understand why and I never got my closure from him. But life went on.

They say that life’s lessons will be repeated until you learn what you need to learn. I find it ironic that I’m in a situation similar to the one I was in three years ago, only this time the roles are reversed. Lately the words that Ryan spoke to me have been haunting me. I hear them in my head and I hear them coming out of my mouth. I’m finally understanding why he left and how hard it was for him. I understand and I forgive him. I understand and I thank him.

This man taught me so many things in our time together. Things that I will always remember. I remember Ryan saying to me that sometimes the right thing IS the hardest thing. I always thought he meant it was hard on me, not on him. I was wrong. It’s hard on both people. Walking away from My Love was hard. Staying away is even harder. My Love may think that this is easy on me, not falling back into his arms, but he’s wrong. My Love knows how much I love him. Everybody knows how much I love him. There are times when I would give everything just to have him hold me, to tell me that he loves me, for life to be magical again. But the time is not right. He and I still have some growing and changing to do, and to be together now would be disastrous. Staying away is the right thing, and it’s the hardest thing.

I remember asking Ryan why, why are you doing this to me. His answer was because he’s not sure, and if he’s not sure I could get hurt. I didn’t understand and I was ANGRY. Now I understand. I said the same words last night to My Love. I’m very sure of my love for him. I’m very sure in my belief that we are meant to be together. But I’m not sure that the time is right now. And if I’m not sure, then it’s not. And if I’m not sure, and I go back to him anyway, he could get hurt. I love the man and I don’t want to hurt him ever. There’s been far too much hurt in our past, and love isn’t about hurting each other.

Ryan taught me how to be true to myself. He taught me about loyalty. He taught me about standing up for what I believe in and to stand up for what is right, no matter what the cost. He taught me about honesty, both with myself and with others. He taught me about timing. He taught me about love. And it’s because of him, because of the lessons that he taught me which I was so slow to learn, that I will be able to give all of my love to My Love, when the time is right.

I’ll never call him to thank him. It’s unnecessary. But I know what he’s done for me. And I hope that My Love will appreciate this when it’s all said and done. Because even though this is the hard thing to do, it is the right thing to do. And when the time is right, I’ll be able to give My Love the love that he deserves, and I’ll finally be able to accept the love from him that I deserve.

Trying something new....again

Last week I told you about Redfish, the New Orleans themed restuarant/bar across the street from my office building. I've put on my adventurer hat today, and have decided that I will go back there for lunch today and try something new. Something maybe spicy. Who knows. I'm such a picky eater, anything outside the norm of beef or chicken is a new experience for me.....

Another thing I like about this place is that I can go there at noon and will still be able to find a seat. I'll have a hopefully good update for you after lunch ;-)

Love, healing and forgiveness

The path that I've recently found myself on is not an old one for me. I've begun this journey several times in the past. I've simply allowed myself to get sidetracked by life. That's ok though. It's never too late to start the journey again. This journey that I'm on is to discover self-love. I must have put it out in the Universe that I needed a change, because right before my eyes the rug was pulled out from under me, and the path that I was on ceased to exist. I didn't think I was ready, but I guess God knew otherwise.

In order to begin to love myself, I need to learn to forgive. Not only do I need to forgive others, but I need to forgive myself. This is hard, at least for me it is. It seems like I would thrive on the anger and resentment that I held. The drama in my life, the chaos of a dysfunctional relationship - not just romantic but family relationships as well. I harbored anger towards my parents for things they've done in my past. I've harbored anger towards my brother for things he's done in the past. Towards my ex-husband, towards my kids, and towards My Love.

I have to let go of the negativity of the past. It's the past. It can't be changed, it can't be undone. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself for my role in the negativity. I must forgive myself for harboring anger and resentment towards them. And I must forgive myself for things that I have done to them as well.

I can't waive a magic wand and everything will be forgiven. All I can do is release the negative energy that I've held on to. The first step to love is healing. And the first step to healing is forgiveness.

Today is a brand new day. A fresh start.

My journey to live again

They say after a traumatic experience that its easy to curl into a ball and play dead. The real courage comes in finding a way to live again. That's where I'm at. For so long I've been depressed. I was walking around with my head in a fog. Nothing made sense. I wanted to lay on the couch in my pajamas and hibernate. I cried all the time.

I'm tired. Tired of not living. Tired of shedding tears over something which isn't worth my tears. Tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of thinking I am unworthy. I'm tired of talking about the same thing endlessly with all my friends. Tired of hearing them tell me everything that I don't want to hear.

Yesterday was the worst. I cried the entire day at work. Called my new friend crying and apologizing for calling him and crying. I just couldn't take it anymore.

We went out on a date last night, our second, although I have told him repeatedly that my head is in a fog, my heart isn't in this, and I can't focus on him right now. He's patient and kind and caring and he picked me up anyway. He listened to me as I cried on his shoulder. He said silly things to get me to laugh. He tells me repeatedly that I'm a beautiful person, both inside and out. Me being me, I tell him your words are sweet, but I'm not sleeping with you. He said he knows, I'm not ready.

This morning I woke up with a new outlook. I looked in the mirror and said no more. No more tears, no more sadness, no more beating myself up for things that I've done or haven't done. I'll take baby steps, but I'll get there. I'll live again. And this time, I'll do it differently, with my eyes wide open.