It's been awhile since I did a gratitude list. I was visiting with my girlfriend today and she was telling me everything that was wrong in her life right now and I looked at her and said why don't you tell me what you do have that's right. Pretty powerful words that I need to listen to myself. So here are some of the things that I'm grateful for.
1. Cass. She and I fight often, but she is my Angel Girl. I'm so proud of her for the accomplishments that she's done. She is a kind, smart young lady and I'm proud to be her mom.
2. Tristan. My baby boy. Yes, he's spoiled and I'm the one who spoils him. He's my last baby and he's still young enough to be babied. Besides, I'm not having anymore!!!
3. My family. I've tried shutting them out these past several months but they haven't given up on me. My grandparents call weekly to check on me, my dad comes over to give me books, my brother texts and calls me often and my mom tells me that she loves me. That's a lot to be grateful for right there.
4. Randy. He's my lobster, what can I say.
5. My job. I feel that all the hard work I've done these past 14 years is finally starting to pay off.
6. My friends. I have some of the best friends in the world. When I feel like I'm alone and no one understands, I don't have to look very far to find someone. They put up with my distance and my tears and my uncertainties. They support me and love me in everything that I do.
7. My faith. I may not be so sure what I believe in anymore, but I know I believe in Something and that's good enough for me.
8. Food. I can remember when I was a very young single mother and I had to work three jobs - all of them at restaurants, just so I could eat and take care of my Angel Girl. I've complained about the weight that I gained last year and I complained about the weight that I lost this year, but the fact is I am very blessed to even have food in my fridge and cabinets because there was a time when I didn't.
9. My house. Yes, my house is old. Yes, there are things that need to be done to it that I can't do right now, either because I have no clue how to do it or because I don't have the money. But it's all mine. I own it. And the mess is my mess. And the projects are my projects. And the lawn that needs raking is my lawn that needs raking. It's mine. I worked hard to get this house and I worked even harder to keep it. It was always my dream to own my own home and now I do.
10. My car. My car is a pain in the ass. It's got 114000 miles on it and things go wrong and I get frustrated. I'm a horrible driver (I run redlights on purpose, only pause at stop signs and drive entirely too fast). I hate pumping gas and I hate getting in the car when it's too hot or too cold. But guess what. It's mine. It's paid off, it's in good condition, and it gets me where I want to go.
So then next time I start saying poor me, poor me, I just need to remember that I have more than a lot of people do. I may not have everything that I want, but I do have everything that I need and a lot of what I want.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Last day of a 4-day weekend....
And what a weekend it has been!!! Wednesday the office closed early which was nice. Of course the train was crowded as hell, but at least I managed to get on it. Had to stand the whole way but I didn't mind. The kids were with their dad Wednesday night so I was able to relax and watch t.v.
Turkey Day I got up early and baked an apple pie. Yummy! We went to my grandparents and I got to see my Packers win so that was a definite bonus! Tristan, being Tristan, slipped on the kitchen floor and cracked his head on the china cabinet. Immediate lump and bleeding, but no stitches required luckily. Cass ended up staying at her dad's that night, so Tristan and I came home and watched t.v.
Believe it or not, he and I woke up at 3:00 in the morning to go shopping. I couldn't believe how chipper he was! It wasn't as bad as it's been in years past. Probably because I used to go to WalMart and have since decided to boycott that establishment. It was actually a pleasant shopping experience. And I got some great deals! We were home by 5 and I went straight back to bed. Tristan stayed up playing PlayStation so he was tired the whole day.
Cass went to the movies Friday night with her friends so Tristan and I ended up watching movies. We bummed around in our p.j.'s all day and that was, well, pretty boring. We did rent Nanny McPhee and that was a really cute movie.
Today I woke up early and started cleaning. I've been doing my Sudoku puzzles again so that's been fun. I dropped Cass off at her girlfriend's house and then Tristan and I headed out to Indiana to my girlfriend Tina's house. She's going through a rough time and is back living with her parents. She and I met my 8th grade year and I haven't seen her since high school. We lost contact for a long time and just recently found each other again. It's really nice to have friends that you've known for that long. Anyway, Tristan and I went out to her house and he had fun playing with her boys. Then my other friend who lives out that way met us at her house and the six of us went for pizza. I told them I'd lead the way and of course got myself lost. Actually, I just decided to take us all on the scenic route ;-). The pizza was good....three adults and three boys under the age of 8....we probably scared the other patrons in the restaurant! Then we went to see Enchanted. That was a really cute movie. Yes, it's a Disney movie and yes, it was pretty predictable. But you know what I decided? I do still believe in true love and I do still believe in Prince Charming and I do still believe in fairytales and in happy endings. And I'm totally ok with that.
I talked with my girlfriend Dawna today and she said something that I really needed to hear. She told me that I'm doing the right thing. Shit, it's been so long since somebody's said that to me. It's rough when you can't trust your instincts anymore and you question your judgment. I can only remember one other time in my life when I've felt this foggy about things. I just don't want to become the person that I became after I got out of that fog. But I think I'll be ok this time. I'm going to believe in my dreams and keep my mouth shut and listen to my inner voice.
And now I must go. I have four teenagers upstairs that need me keeping an eye on them, although from the sounds of Cass yelling I'm pretty sure Tristan is doing a good job at that!
Turkey Day I got up early and baked an apple pie. Yummy! We went to my grandparents and I got to see my Packers win so that was a definite bonus! Tristan, being Tristan, slipped on the kitchen floor and cracked his head on the china cabinet. Immediate lump and bleeding, but no stitches required luckily. Cass ended up staying at her dad's that night, so Tristan and I came home and watched t.v.
Believe it or not, he and I woke up at 3:00 in the morning to go shopping. I couldn't believe how chipper he was! It wasn't as bad as it's been in years past. Probably because I used to go to WalMart and have since decided to boycott that establishment. It was actually a pleasant shopping experience. And I got some great deals! We were home by 5 and I went straight back to bed. Tristan stayed up playing PlayStation so he was tired the whole day.
Cass went to the movies Friday night with her friends so Tristan and I ended up watching movies. We bummed around in our p.j.'s all day and that was, well, pretty boring. We did rent Nanny McPhee and that was a really cute movie.
Today I woke up early and started cleaning. I've been doing my Sudoku puzzles again so that's been fun. I dropped Cass off at her girlfriend's house and then Tristan and I headed out to Indiana to my girlfriend Tina's house. She's going through a rough time and is back living with her parents. She and I met my 8th grade year and I haven't seen her since high school. We lost contact for a long time and just recently found each other again. It's really nice to have friends that you've known for that long. Anyway, Tristan and I went out to her house and he had fun playing with her boys. Then my other friend who lives out that way met us at her house and the six of us went for pizza. I told them I'd lead the way and of course got myself lost. Actually, I just decided to take us all on the scenic route ;-). The pizza was good....three adults and three boys under the age of 8....we probably scared the other patrons in the restaurant! Then we went to see Enchanted. That was a really cute movie. Yes, it's a Disney movie and yes, it was pretty predictable. But you know what I decided? I do still believe in true love and I do still believe in Prince Charming and I do still believe in fairytales and in happy endings. And I'm totally ok with that.
I talked with my girlfriend Dawna today and she said something that I really needed to hear. She told me that I'm doing the right thing. Shit, it's been so long since somebody's said that to me. It's rough when you can't trust your instincts anymore and you question your judgment. I can only remember one other time in my life when I've felt this foggy about things. I just don't want to become the person that I became after I got out of that fog. But I think I'll be ok this time. I'm going to believe in my dreams and keep my mouth shut and listen to my inner voice.
And now I must go. I have four teenagers upstairs that need me keeping an eye on them, although from the sounds of Cass yelling I'm pretty sure Tristan is doing a good job at that!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Life at 30 (two years later)
They say that by the time you turn 30 you pretty much know who you are and what you want out of life. In many ways I believe that to be true. While I was a mother for all of my 20’s, I still spent the majority of my 20’s making decisions that I later realized that I didn’t want. So yes, by the time I turned 30 I had a better idea of how I wanted my life to be and goals that I wanted to achieve. I set my plans in motion and two years later I can say that while I may not be totally there yet, I have made great strides in achieving what I want.
I entered a relationship over a year ago with the mindset that I was going to be me and he would learn to live in my world. Ironically, he had similar thoughts. About four months ago he and I hit a rough patch in our relationship. Our stubbornness and refusal to compromise, or rather stop being so selfish brought us to the decision point. It literally came down to make it or break it. Luckily, we have a strong foundation of love and that managed to keep us together through that rough time. And because of that foundation, we are learning to not be so stubborn. We recognized that the way we communicated was more destructive than productive to our love. We are learning to respond rather than react. We are learning that it just takes a little bit of giving on our parts to make the other happy. We are learning to combine our two worlds instead of expecting the other to live in our own.
Yes, life may begin at 30, but good communication and relationship skills are not things that will magically appear just by willing it to do so. Those, like with everything else in life, are things that you need to work hard towards. The difference between life in your 20’s and life in your 30’s, at least to me, is that you recognize what works for you and what doesn’t and that you realize that all goals require effort and you take the steps necessary to achieve them. Every journey begins with one step.
I entered a relationship over a year ago with the mindset that I was going to be me and he would learn to live in my world. Ironically, he had similar thoughts. About four months ago he and I hit a rough patch in our relationship. Our stubbornness and refusal to compromise, or rather stop being so selfish brought us to the decision point. It literally came down to make it or break it. Luckily, we have a strong foundation of love and that managed to keep us together through that rough time. And because of that foundation, we are learning to not be so stubborn. We recognized that the way we communicated was more destructive than productive to our love. We are learning to respond rather than react. We are learning that it just takes a little bit of giving on our parts to make the other happy. We are learning to combine our two worlds instead of expecting the other to live in our own.
Yes, life may begin at 30, but good communication and relationship skills are not things that will magically appear just by willing it to do so. Those, like with everything else in life, are things that you need to work hard towards. The difference between life in your 20’s and life in your 30’s, at least to me, is that you recognize what works for you and what doesn’t and that you realize that all goals require effort and you take the steps necessary to achieve them. Every journey begins with one step.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Your opinion of me is none of my business
That’s right. Your opinion of me is none of my business, and my opinion of you is none of your business. The more I say it, the better I feel.
I used to be the type of person who would tell anyone and everyone about themselves. What a witch I was. Can you imagine how many people I hurt with my vocal and blunt opinions? Especially the people I love?
And then one day I got my karma. That’s right. Someone that I was close to began to tell me his opinions of me and I didn’t like it. It began with “you’re controlling” and went to “you’re a whore” and ended up with “you’re psycho and need to be in a nuthouse”. Yes, I reaped what I sowed. I began to see myself from the position that I had put other people in. The cruel criticism and character assassinations that I was on the receiving end of caused me to view myself in a very unhealthy manner. I was depressed. I couldn’t find anything good about myself. I began to believe that something was wrong with me. I believed that I was a horrible person and that this person was right in everything he said to me.
But I was wrong. It was only his opinion. And his opinion is none of my business. Let people think what they want of me. They can’t change how I view myself: as a fabulous mother, lover, girlfriend, child and friend.
I used to be the type of person who would tell anyone and everyone about themselves. What a witch I was. Can you imagine how many people I hurt with my vocal and blunt opinions? Especially the people I love?
And then one day I got my karma. That’s right. Someone that I was close to began to tell me his opinions of me and I didn’t like it. It began with “you’re controlling” and went to “you’re a whore” and ended up with “you’re psycho and need to be in a nuthouse”. Yes, I reaped what I sowed. I began to see myself from the position that I had put other people in. The cruel criticism and character assassinations that I was on the receiving end of caused me to view myself in a very unhealthy manner. I was depressed. I couldn’t find anything good about myself. I began to believe that something was wrong with me. I believed that I was a horrible person and that this person was right in everything he said to me.
But I was wrong. It was only his opinion. And his opinion is none of my business. Let people think what they want of me. They can’t change how I view myself: as a fabulous mother, lover, girlfriend, child and friend.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Never Make Someone a Priority When You are Nothing More Than Their Option
That's probably the best advice I've ever heard. I mean, when you think about it, it's totally true. You spend all your time putting someone else first in your life. You wonder what they're thinking, are they happy, are they sad, what can you do to make them happy. And to them, you're nothing more than an afterthought. Someone to warm their bed once a week. A weekend girlfriend or boyfriend or something like that. They spend maybe one day with you on the weekend. And then when Monday comes, they ignore you like you don't exist. MAYBE they'll send you a text message or an email. MAYBE they'll answer the phone if you call. But, more often than not, they don't think about you. You get frustrated and sad and wonder what did you do that was so wrong. What can you do differently to get them to look at you the way you look at them. But the truth is, nothing. When it's gone, it's gone.
All you can do is stop making someone a priority when you are nothing more than their option.
All you can do is stop making someone a priority when you are nothing more than their option.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Life Changes Fast....
There's been a lot happening the past few months. I was really depressed for a very long time. I guess what was happening was I was going through the grieving process. It's kind of ironic to say that you're going through the grieving process for the end of a relationship while you're still in the relationship, but nevertheless that's what was happening to me. I don't know when it happened. All I know is that I woke up one day and decided that I didn't care anymore. I shouldn't say that I don't care anymore because I do care. I just don't care enough. I held on so tightly to something that was already gone. But I know I had to go through things the way that they happened or else I wouldn't have gotten through it. It just sucks. I still feel that it's not real or that I'm in a bad dream and I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be back to normal. But I know they won't. I don't love him the same. And he doesn't love me the same. I said my goodbyes tonight. After begging and pleading and bargaining and negotiating, I finally gave up. This isn't what I want. This isn't love and relationships shouldn't be like this. I have no doubt that he'll be fine without me. Maybe he'll meet someone more suited to him. Someone who will accept what he has to offer and be happy with it. I'm just not that woman.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Today I hate everybody
If it's not one thing it's another. And today I've decided that I pretty much hate everybody. So I'm going to rant and rave and then I'll feel better (hopefully).
First I've been trying to get the doctor to take my daughter off her medication for two months. Yes, two months. Do you think they listen to me? No, I'm just her mother. The medication has had the opposite affect. But no, that's not a good enough reason. How about this one. She now has an overactive thyroid which I know was caused by the medication and has to go see a specialist for treatment. I wonder if they'll think that's a good enough reason, assholes.
I hate owning a house. The drain in the basement floor was backing up so I called the plumber to come rod it out. Yea. $300 for that visit and he wasn't even sure if he solved the problem.
And my car. Someone was kind enough to take it to Jiffy Lube to get the oil changed on Saturday. As soon as I got it back, the trans was slipping. Of course, I didn't realize it until I had been driving on the highway for an hour on my way to St. Louis. So I shakingly made it to St. Louis, had my best friend's husband put an additive in there, and hoped I'd make it home without incident. Of course, right before I left for home it started slipping again. So I panicked and R gave me a pep talk and I drove home. Well, long story short, it's not leaking trans fluid anywhere that my mechanic can see and the radiator is fine. So the only thing we can do is drive it for a couple days and check it again to see if it's still losing trans fluid. Can we say frustrating?
And the cherry on top of my shit sunday? Yup...you guessed it....R and I are on the outs again. God I am so sick of this. It's such bullshit. It's such bullshit that I can't even wrap my brain about it. I do know this. I don't believe in love anymore. It's all a lie.
And do I feel better now? Hell no.
So, there's my rant
First I've been trying to get the doctor to take my daughter off her medication for two months. Yes, two months. Do you think they listen to me? No, I'm just her mother. The medication has had the opposite affect. But no, that's not a good enough reason. How about this one. She now has an overactive thyroid which I know was caused by the medication and has to go see a specialist for treatment. I wonder if they'll think that's a good enough reason, assholes.
I hate owning a house. The drain in the basement floor was backing up so I called the plumber to come rod it out. Yea. $300 for that visit and he wasn't even sure if he solved the problem.
And my car. Someone was kind enough to take it to Jiffy Lube to get the oil changed on Saturday. As soon as I got it back, the trans was slipping. Of course, I didn't realize it until I had been driving on the highway for an hour on my way to St. Louis. So I shakingly made it to St. Louis, had my best friend's husband put an additive in there, and hoped I'd make it home without incident. Of course, right before I left for home it started slipping again. So I panicked and R gave me a pep talk and I drove home. Well, long story short, it's not leaking trans fluid anywhere that my mechanic can see and the radiator is fine. So the only thing we can do is drive it for a couple days and check it again to see if it's still losing trans fluid. Can we say frustrating?
And the cherry on top of my shit sunday? Yup...you guessed it....R and I are on the outs again. God I am so sick of this. It's such bullshit. It's such bullshit that I can't even wrap my brain about it. I do know this. I don't believe in love anymore. It's all a lie.
And do I feel better now? Hell no.
So, there's my rant
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