Be honest, he says….

Oh honestly, is honesty really the best policy? I mean, what does he want to hear from me? Does he want me to tell him how much I love him? No, I doubt it because every time I do tell him, his response is “I hear ya.” Would he like me to admit that I can be an asshole at times? No, I’m pretty sure I’ve admitted that on more than one occasion. He tells me he wants me to be the woman that he respects again. Well, the woman that he used to respect is the woman who told him, over and over again, not to try his shit with me cuz I wasn’t going to put up with it. Remember those days? And if I were to be honest, I would have to say that it breaks my heart, it makes me sick to my stomach, I get dizzy when I think of him being with another woman. And while I want to be the woman who doesn’t feel those things, so that he can respect me, I can honestly say that the reason that I feel that way is because I fell in love with him. He tells me that I act needy and clingy. Yes, I can honestly say that there are times when I act that way. I can also honestly say that it makes me sick that I can act like the type of woman that I despise, but I can also honestly say that if I were the woman I was before I met him, I wouldn’t care enough to act that way because I wouldn’t feel. I can honestly say that for the past year I’ve wanted to love him the way he used to love me. I can honestly say that it’s not an easy feat when you’re being punished. It’s also not easy when you feel so guilty for how you treated him, but are also scared to death of losing the one man you’ve ever loved. He wants honesty? Well here it is…..

I treated you like shit for a long time. You loved me unconditionally and I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of you leaving me so I tested you over and over and over again. Nothing you did was enough to prove to me that you loved me and wouldn’t leave me. By the time I realized that it was safe to love you, I had already pushed you away. I spent the next year trying to love you, all the while being punished; by you and by myself. You finally decide to leave me and try and find another who will make you happy and I’m devastated. Do I deserve what I got? Absolutely. Because now, when I try to talk to you, when I try to talk our problems through (which incidentally is what you tried to do all along), you don’t want to hear it. It took me too long to get my head out of my past and see the jewel that was right in front of me. And now, it’s too late. We can’t go back, and neither of us has the patience to fix where we went wrong.

So, there’s your honesty babe. I fucked up in the beginning and everything since then has been one big tit-for-tat game that we’re so good at playing. I can honestly say that I met my match in you. I can honestly say that I’ve never met a person as passionate, loving, intense, and stubborn as myself; until you. I can honestly say that I’ve never loved another the way I love you. And I can honestly say that, if you were to want to try again, I’d say yes.