All in the Name of “Love” – When a Strong Woman Loses Herself

The majority of my girlfriends are single moms like myself; having had their oldest at a young age and being presently divorced. By having our children at such a young age, we were thrust into responsibilities that we weren’t emotionally ready for. While our friends were off at college, we were busy changing diapers. While our friends were trying to figure out what they wanted to be when they “grew up”, we were balancing our checkbooks and managing our households. When our friends had problems they were able to turn to their parents for help. When we had a problem, we were left to come up with a solution on our own. Basically, we grew up with our children. While we wouldn’t trade our babies for the world, we missed out on the “normal” process of maturing through “typical” life experiences. Because of this, we became strong women, but we were also fiercely independent. We learned young that we couldn’t depend on a man. We learned that if we love someone too much they’ll leave us. We learned that the only person we could count on was ourselves. We learned to protect our hearts, to love from a distance, and that if we could control the world around us, everything would be ok.

And then we hit our 30’s. Our oldest were now teenagers, our youngest were off at school. We had our homes, we had our careers, we had our 1-year plan, our 2-year plan, and our 10-year plan. The only thing that we didn’t have in our lives was true, deep, lasting, grown-up love.

As it so happened, each of us met the men who literally took our breath away and swept us off our feet. We each were blessed with an amazing man who loved us the way we had never been loved before. They touched a part of us, deep within, that made us remember the fairytales we believed in as little girls. Unfortunately, this same love that we secretly, silently yearned for was the same love that scared the hell out of us. We got what we always wanted and it was the one thing that we could not handle. So we sabotaged it.

We tested our men. We accused them of cheating. We criticized them. We withheld our affection. We kept them at a distance, emotionally, physically and mentally. We pushed them away at every twist and turn. These men, they loved us so much. But a man can only take so much. And when they finally had enough, they left us. Some left for another woman. Some just left.

Over the past year, I’ve watched three of my girlfriends and myself turn from being a strong, independent woman into a crying, depressed, clingy, needy, suicidal shell of her former self. One of my girlfriends had a nervous breakdown when her man left and ended up in the hospital for a month. Last night, my best friend called me and told me that she tried to kill herself and is now in the hospital. The other day her man told her he didn’t love her the way he used to and ended the relationship. As for myself, well, I’m better than I was a year ago the first time he left me. Mine has been gone this time for a month, and while my heart is broken, I can function. Working out like a maniac helps a lot. Therapy helps a lot, too.

So how did this happen? How did 3 incredibly strong, independent women turn into this? What is the lesson here? Is it never to love again? I can’t do that. I love my ex so much and will continue loving him. My girlfriends love their exes and, like me, can’t picture growing old without being side by side by these men that we love. How do we keep ourselves from turning into weak, dependent women? How do we keep ourselves from pushing the one we love, but more importantly, the one who loves us, away?

I was talking to this guy last night and he was telling me his side of the relationship coin. Being a woman, when I hear something I usually empathize or relate to the woman. For once, my ears were open and I could hear it from a different perspective. It really opened my eyes to the things my ex had been saying to me. Not to say that he’s completely right because it does take two. It’s just that I had never been able to hear what he was saying, maybe because 1) I was so emotionally involved in the situation my brain shut off and 2) because he was so emotionally involved in the situation he couldn’t get his point across without saying it harshly. At any rate, I decided that I can’t let the loss of this love destroy me. I am a strong, successful woman and will make it. I don’t want to keep people at a distance anymore. I also don’t want anyone but my love. But all the trying I was doing only made me more pathetic in his eyes. I’m not going to over-try it anymore. I’m going to be myself, the woman he fell in love with, the woman that I love. And if that’s not enough for him, well, at least I’ll have me back.