It's time to retire this blog. It was created as an outlet to express my sorrow, and ups and downs, of my time with R. However, he's moved on to greener pastures, and writing here will only remind me of him as I'm trying to let go.
Anyway, you can find me at www.alwaysjustjenn.com.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
If I Were a Boy - Beyonce
If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I want my life back
I’m depressed. I’m depressed and it’s really hard for me, the eternal optimist, to change my outlook. I know that part of it is due to the surgery, as a matter of fact, they say that depression after this type of surgery is quite common and WILL GO AWAY. It just sucks really bad going through it.
I’m a mess. I made a huge Mistake on November 1, and now that I have too much time on my hands during recovery, I can’t stop beating myself up over it. I can’t take care of myself because I can barely lift my arms. My chest hurts. My clothes don’t fit property. I can’t go to the gym. I get weak and exhausted very quickly. The holidays are almost here and I haven’t started shopping yet. I can’t move the furniture to put up our tree. I cry daily. I don’t sleep well. And in addition, my Mistake of last month is getting off on being cruel to me.
Normally I’m a very happy person. Normally I’m a very active person. Normally I don’t allow myself to focus too long on the negative because I have so many blessings that whatever is negative is overshadowed by the good. But I can’t seem to snap out of it.
I want to go to the gym. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to model again (that’s huge because for a month I lost my passion for it…thanks to my Mistake). I want to start ballet lessons. I want to begin to paint. I want to travel. I want to hang out with my kids without being too exhausted or in pain. I want to cook. I want to bum around the museums. I want to go out on a date with this guy…and not have to cut it short because I’m exhausted. I want to get my hair done.
Really, I just want my life back.
I’m a mess. I made a huge Mistake on November 1, and now that I have too much time on my hands during recovery, I can’t stop beating myself up over it. I can’t take care of myself because I can barely lift my arms. My chest hurts. My clothes don’t fit property. I can’t go to the gym. I get weak and exhausted very quickly. The holidays are almost here and I haven’t started shopping yet. I can’t move the furniture to put up our tree. I cry daily. I don’t sleep well. And in addition, my Mistake of last month is getting off on being cruel to me.
Normally I’m a very happy person. Normally I’m a very active person. Normally I don’t allow myself to focus too long on the negative because I have so many blessings that whatever is negative is overshadowed by the good. But I can’t seem to snap out of it.
I want to go to the gym. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to model again (that’s huge because for a month I lost my passion for it…thanks to my Mistake). I want to start ballet lessons. I want to begin to paint. I want to travel. I want to hang out with my kids without being too exhausted or in pain. I want to cook. I want to bum around the museums. I want to go out on a date with this guy…and not have to cut it short because I’m exhausted. I want to get my hair done.
Really, I just want my life back.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Sometimes Goodbye IS a Second Chance
One of the obstacles with getting re-involved with an ex is that there's a history there. Now, in some (many) aspects that's a really good thing. You're comfortable with each other. You have a deep connection. You already love each other. You know each other's likes and dislikes. The list could go on and on, but I think you get the gist of what I'm saying.
Unfortunately, with the good things in your history there's also the bad (hence the break up to begin with). It's hard to forget some of the things that were done during bad periods to each other. Friends and relatives certainly don't forget. I've also discovered that friends and relatives don't mind butting their noses in where it belongs, or behaving as if THEY are the wounded party (i.e. holding it against the person).
Rebuilding and repairing a relationship is hard, but it can be done. I'm learning to forget about the bad from the past and focus on my good memories. When I get upset with him now, it's about something that has happened now, not something that happened two years ago. At least, I try to. When we have disagreements now, I try to take the lessons that I've learned and apply them to the now. I look at each experience with him as something new, and don't punish him or act leery because of how things went in the past. It's hard to do. And it's really scary. But I do it because I love him.
Most importantly, I don't let other people get in our business. There are people that LOVE to remind me of things from our past. I ignore them. They can't get to me. There are other people still who feel it's their place to chastise me for being with him again. I've found my voice, and my voice is telling them that he's the man I love, and if they can't accept him then I don't want them in my life. Unfortunately, they made me choose. Their loss.
Would it be easier to find someone else and start over? Of course. But that would be settling. I've heard that nothing worth anything comes easy. It's true. But it's worth it. Because though the journey is hard (at times) and frustrating (at times), the love that I'm able to give to this man, and receive from him, outweighs anything else. I get to look at our hands entwined and know that we didn't give up. As each anniversary passes, and each day a new lesson is learned, I get to grow closer to him and he to me.
He's my soul mate and I love him, warts and all.
Unfortunately, with the good things in your history there's also the bad (hence the break up to begin with). It's hard to forget some of the things that were done during bad periods to each other. Friends and relatives certainly don't forget. I've also discovered that friends and relatives don't mind butting their noses in where it belongs, or behaving as if THEY are the wounded party (i.e. holding it against the person).
Rebuilding and repairing a relationship is hard, but it can be done. I'm learning to forget about the bad from the past and focus on my good memories. When I get upset with him now, it's about something that has happened now, not something that happened two years ago. At least, I try to. When we have disagreements now, I try to take the lessons that I've learned and apply them to the now. I look at each experience with him as something new, and don't punish him or act leery because of how things went in the past. It's hard to do. And it's really scary. But I do it because I love him.
Most importantly, I don't let other people get in our business. There are people that LOVE to remind me of things from our past. I ignore them. They can't get to me. There are other people still who feel it's their place to chastise me for being with him again. I've found my voice, and my voice is telling them that he's the man I love, and if they can't accept him then I don't want them in my life. Unfortunately, they made me choose. Their loss.
Would it be easier to find someone else and start over? Of course. But that would be settling. I've heard that nothing worth anything comes easy. It's true. But it's worth it. Because though the journey is hard (at times) and frustrating (at times), the love that I'm able to give to this man, and receive from him, outweighs anything else. I get to look at our hands entwined and know that we didn't give up. As each anniversary passes, and each day a new lesson is learned, I get to grow closer to him and he to me.
He's my soul mate and I love him, warts and all.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Though Provoking Quote of the Day
“It’s okay for you to be human. You can make mistakes and you odn’t have to walk around on eggshells or pretend to be a certain way when you’re near me. You don’t have to worry that I’ll freak out every time you disappoint me. I accept the fact that when I’m disappointed, the disappointment is coming from my own thoughts. I have preferences, but won’t allow those preferences to ruin my life. You can have low moods and you even have my permission to be less than perfect. I’m okay even when you’re not okay, and I love you as unconditionally as I know how.”
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. and Kristine Carlson
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our partner said this to us and if we said this to them? How better would our relationships be if this were the case? Sadly, it's almost never the case. I've learned that the one we claim to love the most is the one we hurt the most. I wonder why it is that we tolerate mistakes from mere acquaintances or strangers, but if our partner screws up we can't forgive. Isn't that backwards? Maybe we all need to make a conscious effort to treat our partner with the love, respect, admiration and tolerance that we want them to treat us with.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. and Kristine Carlson
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our partner said this to us and if we said this to them? How better would our relationships be if this were the case? Sadly, it's almost never the case. I've learned that the one we claim to love the most is the one we hurt the most. I wonder why it is that we tolerate mistakes from mere acquaintances or strangers, but if our partner screws up we can't forgive. Isn't that backwards? Maybe we all need to make a conscious effort to treat our partner with the love, respect, admiration and tolerance that we want them to treat us with.
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