Wow. My life has gotten incredibly busy. Yay for me. I have so many fun things coming up...and I'm totally excited about them! So goes my "I'm happy here's my list for Thursday":
1. Fright Fest with Bill on Friday night. Oh yay. I seriously cannot wait for this. Great America. Haunted houses. Roller coasters. Leaving work early. A fun night out with a great friend.
2. Photo shoot Saturday afternoon. I've been looking forward to this one for a while now. Initially we were going to be in the historical district, but that fell through, so now we'll be shooting on location. And of course it's a haunted location. I HEART HAUNTED CHICAGO!!!!
3. Photo shoot Saturday night. I heart black and white fine art. Enough said.
4. Football Sunday. Finally. It's cold out. Fall has come to Chicago. And I get to watch 3 football games on Sundays. I swear, October, November and December are the best months of the year. I'm so incredibly happy.
5. Monday night football. So Dan and I found a new bar. I love it. Cheap drinks, good food, and close to home. Oh, and there's football. Did I mention that?
6. Girls' nite out. Shel and I have decided that we're going to do our girls' nite twice a month. One night we'll be bums and just head to the show, and the other night we'll get all girly and have a super-fab night out. Yay for girl friends!
7. A kindred spirit. Speaking of girl friends, finally I've met someone who is just as open-minded as me when it comes to spirituality. That means we have a field trip to the Occult Bookstore in the works...and the day wouldn't be complete without dinner at my favorite Irish pub. Yay for great friends!
8. Halloween. So I bought my tickets to the 1st annual fundraiser...while I'm trying to convince Bill he needs to wear a costume, I found the perfect costume for me...and I'm so excited!!!
9. Boobies. Yeppers...in less than two months I'll have new boobs. Yay for all the new clothes I get to buy!!!
10. Travel. Carla and I are going to Minnesota in March and I'll be heading to NYC in the summer. Bill wants to go to Michigan for a weekend and Christopher and I and whoever else wants to go will be heading to a special little place in the summer...I can't wait!
Life is good. I'm happy. I've found myself. I'm finally living my life.
Yay for me!!!!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Oh GAWD do I hate politics!!!!
I'm pretty amazed at the number of people in my life that have the audacity to send me their emails promoting the right-wing-moral-police-hold-women-down-while-the-county-is-in-an-economic-mess candidates. I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I’m a tree-hugging-spiritual-not-religious-I’d-rather-dance-naked-under-the-full-moon-than-go-to-church-save-the-world-feminist. Right? But the thing about me is…I don’t try to turn people around to my way of thinking. I believe that people are entitled to believe (or disbelieve) however they want. That’s the beauty of this great country that we live in. We’re supposed to be free (at least that was what I thought until the Church and the Republicans tried to take away my rights). But anyway. If you want to believe in God…good for you. If you want to believe in numerous gods…even better. If you want to vote Republican…that’s your right. And if you want to vote Democrat….yay for you. I have sent one…seriously only one…email to my friends regarding this upcoming election, and it wasn’t to turn people against Palin, it was to make people aware that there are women out there that are trying to take our rights as women away. Vote for who you want, but leave my rights as a woman alone. Ya dig?
So last week I get an email from an extended family member…and it goes something like this:
************************************************************************
Family Member wrote:
You might find the attached article interesting; if you choose to participate, please pass it on.
Have a great day.
Another "vote" taken by NOW on PBS expecting that their 80% liberal viewers will dominate. Let's prove that wrong. Send to every non-liberal you know. Let's get some balance into the voting group. This is the easiest vote you will ever make. It takes literally two seconds. Let's turn this around!!! PBS has a short video on Sarah Palin on their website. Also included is a poll that asks: Is Sarah Palin qualified to be VP? I logged on a few minutes ago and 37% percent had voted YES, 62% NO. Let's turn this around..... You don't have to give your name or email address in order to vote. It's very simple. Here's the link:
http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll-435.html
AFTER YOU VOTE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO YOUR LIST OF PEOPLE, ASK THEM TO VOTE AND THEN ASK THEM TO FORWARD IT ON TO THEIR E-MAIL LISTS. LET'S SHOW PBS WHAT REAL AMERICANS THINK! You might want to vote more than once !!!
I wrote:
I'm very much a liberal....
I love you!!!!
~Jenn
Family Member wrote:
So, then, a question for you to consider. How does a Christian support a person who approves and supports abortion? Oh, and one other question: how does a person qualify to be Commander-in-Chief when he has only 143 days of service in Congress, and only voted "Present" (i.e., never able to make a decision) when he served in the State of Illinois Senate when it takes over a year for a Basic Private to complete training?
Just use your mind, Jeni, and see what are the long-term consequences of a liberal view, particularly when it directly contradicts God's Word.
I love you, too, and you and your family are in my prayers every Friday.
**********************************************************
So, me being the outspoken Sagittarius that I am had a whole long reply defending my position all ready to go. And then I realized something. The burden of proof lies on him!!!! I’m not the one trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I’m quite happy to live and let live. If he wants to convert me to “the other side”, it falls on him to make a persuasive argument to show me “the error of my ways”…and, quite honestly, he didn’t succeed. So phooey on him.
Today I get an email from a friend…a FEMALE friend…that kind of blows my mind that she’s so young and “hip” and, to be honest, I wonder if she really knows what the conservatives stand for…does she understand they’re trying to take away her rights as a woman?
Follows is this ridiculous email which is, simply put, filled with nonsense:
***************************************************************************
IT'S YOUR CHOICE -- THIS MAY HELP
THIS LETTER MAKES MORE SENSE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN, HEARD, OR READ, CONCERNING THE UPCOMING ELECTION...
IT'S A LETTER FROM A U.S. CITIZEN... WHO LIVES IN ILLINOIS ... AND OBVIOUSLY IS A "SELF-THINKER"... NOT JUST A "FOLLOWER"!!!
IF YOU ONLY READ ONE THING, REGARDING THIS ELECTION... LET THIS BE THE ONE THING!! AFTER READING IT, YOU WILL PROBABLY WANT TO FORWARD IT TO OTHER AMERICANS WHO ARE "SELF THINKERS"!!
An impassioned letter from a "nobody". But he gives his telephone number at the end.
Dear Friends:
My name is Joe Porter. I live in Champaign , Illinois . I'm 46 years old, a born-again Christian, a husband, a father, a small business owner, a veteran, and a homeowner. I don't consider myself to be either conservative or liberal, and I vote for the person, not Republican or Democrat. I don't believe there are "two Americas " but that every person in this country can be whomever and whatever they want to be if they'll just work to get there and nowhere else on earth can they find such opportunities. I believe our government should help those who are legitimately downtrodden, and should always put the interests of America first.
The purpose of this message is that I'm concerned about the future of this great nation. I'm worried that the silent majority of honest, hard-working, tax-paying people in this country have been passive for too long. Most folks I know choose not to involve themselves in politics. They go about their daily lives, paying their bills, raising their kids, and doing what they can to maintain the good life. They vote and consider doing so to be a sacred trust. They shake their heads at the political pundits and so-called "news", thinking that what they hear is always spun by whomever is reporting it. They can't understand how elected officials can regularly violate the public trust with pork barrel spending. They don't want government handouts. They want the government to protect them, not raise their taxes for more government programs.
We are in the unique position in this country of electing our leaders. It's a privilege to do so. I've never found a candidate in any election with whom I agreed on everything. I'll wager that most of us don't even agree with our families or spouses 100% of the time. So when I step into that voting booth, I always try to look at the big picture and cast my vote for the man or woman who is best qualified for the job. I've hired a lot of people in my lifetime, and essentially that's what an election is - a hiring process. Who has the credentials? Whom do I want working for me? Whom can I trust to do the job right?
I'm concerned that a growing number of voters in this country simply don't get it. They are caught up in a fervor they can't explain, and calling it "change".
"Change what?", I ask.
"Well, we're going to change America , they say.
"In what way?", I query.
"We want someone new and fresh in the White House", they exclaim.
"So, someone who's not a politician?", I say.
"Uh, well, no, we just want a lot of stuff changed, so we're voting for Obama", they state.
"So the current system, the system of freedom and democracy that has enabled a man to grow up in this great country, get a fine education, raise incredible amounts of money and dominate the news, and win his party's nomination for the White House that system's all wrong?"
"No, no, that part of the system's okay we just need a lot of change."
And so it goes. "Change we can believe in."
Quite frankly, I don't believe that vague proclamations of change hold any promise for me. In recent months, I've been asking virtually everyone I encounter how they're voting. I live in Illinois , so most folks tell me they're voting for Barack Obama. But no one can really tell me why only that he's going to change a lot of stuff "Change, change, change." I have yet to find one single person who can tell me distinctly and convincingly why this man is qualified to be President and Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful nation on earth other than the fact that he claims he's going to implement a lot of change.
We've all seen the emails about Obama's genealogy, his upbringing, his Muslim background, and his church affiliations. Let's ignore this for a moment. Put it all aside. Then ask yourself, "What qualifies this man to be my president? That he's a brilliant orator and talks about change?"
CHANGE WHAT?
Friends, I'll be forthright with you I believe the American voters who are supporting Barack Obama don't have a clue what they're doing, as evidenced by the fact that not one of them - NOT ONE of them I've spoken to can spell out his qualifications. Not even the most liberal media can explain why he should be elected. Political experience? Negligible. Foreign relations? Non-existent. Achievements? Name one. Someone who wants to unite the country? If you haven't read his wife's thesis from Princeton , look it up on the web. This is who's lining up to be our next First Lady? The only thing I can glean from Obama's constant harping about change is that we're in for a lot of new taxes.
For me, the choice is clear. I've looked carefully at the two leading applicants for the job, and I've made my choice.
Here's a question - "Where were you five and a half years ago? Around Christmas, 2002. You've had five or six birthdays in that time. My son has grown from a sixth grade child to a high school graduate. Five and a half years is a good chunk of time. About 2,000 days. 2,000 nights of sleep. 6, 000 meals, give or take."
John McCain spent that amount of time, from 1967 to 1973, in a North Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp.
When offered early release, he refused it. He considered this offer to be a public relations stunt by his captors, and insisted that those held longer than he should be released first. Did you get that part? He was offered his freedom, and he turned it down. A regimen of beatings and torture began.
Do you possess such strength of character? Locked in a filthy cell in a foreign country, would you turn down your own freedom in favor of your fellow man? I submit that's a quality of character that is rarely found, and for me, this singular act defines John McCain.
Unlike several presidential candidates in recent years whose military service is questionable or non-existent, you will not find anyone to denigrate the integrity and moral courage of this man. A graduate of Annapolis, du ring his Naval service he received the Silver Star, Bronze Star, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross. His own son is now serving in the Marine Corps in Iraq . Barack Obama is fond of saying "We honor John McCain's service...BUT...", which to me is condescending and offensive - because what I hear is, "Let's forget this man's sacrifice for his country, and his proven leadership abilities, and talk some more about change.
I don't agree with John McCain on everything - but I am utterly convinced that he is qualified to be our next President, and I trust him to do what's right. I know in my heart that he has the best interests of our country in mind. He doesn't simply want to be President - he wants to lead America, and there's a huge difference. Factually, there is simply no comparison between the two candidates. A man of questionable background and motives who prattles on about change, can't hold a candle to a man who has devoted his life in public service to this nation, retiring from the Navy in1981 and elected to the Senate in1982.
Perhaps Obama's supporters are taking a stance between old and new. Maybe they don't care about McCain's service or his strength of character, or his unblemished qualifications to be President. Maybe "likeability" is a higher priority for them than "trust". Being a prisoner of war is not what qualifies John McCain to be President of the United States of America - but his demonstrated leadership certainly DOES.
Dear friends, it is time for us to stand. It is time for thinking Americans to say, "Enough." It is time for people of all parties to stop following the party line. It is time for anyone who wants to keep America first, who wants the right man leading their nation, to start a dialogue with all their friends and neighbors and ask who they're voting for, and why.
There's a lot of evil in this world. That should be readily apparent to all of us by now. And when faced with that evil as we are now, I want a man who knows the cost of war on his troops and on his citizens. I want a man who puts my family's interests before any foreign country.
I want a President who's qualified to lead.
I want my country back.
******************************************************************************
The moral of my story? Vote how you want. Think how you want. I don’t care. It’s [still] a free country. But don’t flood my in-box with your nonsense. I don’t do it to you. And while I won’t ask you to stop being who you are, let me be me.
So last week I get an email from an extended family member…and it goes something like this:
************************************************************************
Family Member wrote:
You might find the attached article interesting; if you choose to participate, please pass it on.
Have a great day.
Another "vote" taken by NOW on PBS expecting that their 80% liberal viewers will dominate. Let's prove that wrong. Send to every non-liberal you know. Let's get some balance into the voting group. This is the easiest vote you will ever make. It takes literally two seconds. Let's turn this around!!! PBS has a short video on Sarah Palin on their website. Also included is a poll that asks: Is Sarah Palin qualified to be VP? I logged on a few minutes ago and 37% percent had voted YES, 62% NO. Let's turn this around..... You don't have to give your name or email address in order to vote. It's very simple. Here's the link:
http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll-435.html
AFTER YOU VOTE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO YOUR LIST OF PEOPLE, ASK THEM TO VOTE AND THEN ASK THEM TO FORWARD IT ON TO THEIR E-MAIL LISTS. LET'S SHOW PBS WHAT REAL AMERICANS THINK! You might want to vote more than once !!!
I wrote:
I'm very much a liberal....
I love you!!!!
~Jenn
Family Member wrote:
So, then, a question for you to consider. How does a Christian support a person who approves and supports abortion? Oh, and one other question: how does a person qualify to be Commander-in-Chief when he has only 143 days of service in Congress, and only voted "Present" (i.e., never able to make a decision) when he served in the State of Illinois Senate when it takes over a year for a Basic Private to complete training?
Just use your mind, Jeni, and see what are the long-term consequences of a liberal view, particularly when it directly contradicts God's Word.
I love you, too, and you and your family are in my prayers every Friday.
**********************************************************
So, me being the outspoken Sagittarius that I am had a whole long reply defending my position all ready to go. And then I realized something. The burden of proof lies on him!!!! I’m not the one trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I’m quite happy to live and let live. If he wants to convert me to “the other side”, it falls on him to make a persuasive argument to show me “the error of my ways”…and, quite honestly, he didn’t succeed. So phooey on him.
Today I get an email from a friend…a FEMALE friend…that kind of blows my mind that she’s so young and “hip” and, to be honest, I wonder if she really knows what the conservatives stand for…does she understand they’re trying to take away her rights as a woman?
Follows is this ridiculous email which is, simply put, filled with nonsense:
***************************************************************************
IT'S YOUR CHOICE -- THIS MAY HELP
THIS LETTER MAKES MORE SENSE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN, HEARD, OR READ, CONCERNING THE UPCOMING ELECTION...
IT'S A LETTER FROM A U.S. CITIZEN... WHO LIVES IN ILLINOIS ... AND OBVIOUSLY IS A "SELF-THINKER"... NOT JUST A "FOLLOWER"!!!
IF YOU ONLY READ ONE THING, REGARDING THIS ELECTION... LET THIS BE THE ONE THING!! AFTER READING IT, YOU WILL PROBABLY WANT TO FORWARD IT TO OTHER AMERICANS WHO ARE "SELF THINKERS"!!
An impassioned letter from a "nobody". But he gives his telephone number at the end.
Dear Friends:
My name is Joe Porter. I live in Champaign , Illinois . I'm 46 years old, a born-again Christian, a husband, a father, a small business owner, a veteran, and a homeowner. I don't consider myself to be either conservative or liberal, and I vote for the person, not Republican or Democrat. I don't believe there are "two Americas " but that every person in this country can be whomever and whatever they want to be if they'll just work to get there and nowhere else on earth can they find such opportunities. I believe our government should help those who are legitimately downtrodden, and should always put the interests of America first.
The purpose of this message is that I'm concerned about the future of this great nation. I'm worried that the silent majority of honest, hard-working, tax-paying people in this country have been passive for too long. Most folks I know choose not to involve themselves in politics. They go about their daily lives, paying their bills, raising their kids, and doing what they can to maintain the good life. They vote and consider doing so to be a sacred trust. They shake their heads at the political pundits and so-called "news", thinking that what they hear is always spun by whomever is reporting it. They can't understand how elected officials can regularly violate the public trust with pork barrel spending. They don't want government handouts. They want the government to protect them, not raise their taxes for more government programs.
We are in the unique position in this country of electing our leaders. It's a privilege to do so. I've never found a candidate in any election with whom I agreed on everything. I'll wager that most of us don't even agree with our families or spouses 100% of the time. So when I step into that voting booth, I always try to look at the big picture and cast my vote for the man or woman who is best qualified for the job. I've hired a lot of people in my lifetime, and essentially that's what an election is - a hiring process. Who has the credentials? Whom do I want working for me? Whom can I trust to do the job right?
I'm concerned that a growing number of voters in this country simply don't get it. They are caught up in a fervor they can't explain, and calling it "change".
"Change what?", I ask.
"Well, we're going to change America , they say.
"In what way?", I query.
"We want someone new and fresh in the White House", they exclaim.
"So, someone who's not a politician?", I say.
"Uh, well, no, we just want a lot of stuff changed, so we're voting for Obama", they state.
"So the current system, the system of freedom and democracy that has enabled a man to grow up in this great country, get a fine education, raise incredible amounts of money and dominate the news, and win his party's nomination for the White House that system's all wrong?"
"No, no, that part of the system's okay we just need a lot of change."
And so it goes. "Change we can believe in."
Quite frankly, I don't believe that vague proclamations of change hold any promise for me. In recent months, I've been asking virtually everyone I encounter how they're voting. I live in Illinois , so most folks tell me they're voting for Barack Obama. But no one can really tell me why only that he's going to change a lot of stuff "Change, change, change." I have yet to find one single person who can tell me distinctly and convincingly why this man is qualified to be President and Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful nation on earth other than the fact that he claims he's going to implement a lot of change.
We've all seen the emails about Obama's genealogy, his upbringing, his Muslim background, and his church affiliations. Let's ignore this for a moment. Put it all aside. Then ask yourself, "What qualifies this man to be my president? That he's a brilliant orator and talks about change?"
CHANGE WHAT?
Friends, I'll be forthright with you I believe the American voters who are supporting Barack Obama don't have a clue what they're doing, as evidenced by the fact that not one of them - NOT ONE of them I've spoken to can spell out his qualifications. Not even the most liberal media can explain why he should be elected. Political experience? Negligible. Foreign relations? Non-existent. Achievements? Name one. Someone who wants to unite the country? If you haven't read his wife's thesis from Princeton , look it up on the web. This is who's lining up to be our next First Lady? The only thing I can glean from Obama's constant harping about change is that we're in for a lot of new taxes.
For me, the choice is clear. I've looked carefully at the two leading applicants for the job, and I've made my choice.
Here's a question - "Where were you five and a half years ago? Around Christmas, 2002. You've had five or six birthdays in that time. My son has grown from a sixth grade child to a high school graduate. Five and a half years is a good chunk of time. About 2,000 days. 2,000 nights of sleep. 6, 000 meals, give or take."
John McCain spent that amount of time, from 1967 to 1973, in a North Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp.
When offered early release, he refused it. He considered this offer to be a public relations stunt by his captors, and insisted that those held longer than he should be released first. Did you get that part? He was offered his freedom, and he turned it down. A regimen of beatings and torture began.
Do you possess such strength of character? Locked in a filthy cell in a foreign country, would you turn down your own freedom in favor of your fellow man? I submit that's a quality of character that is rarely found, and for me, this singular act defines John McCain.
Unlike several presidential candidates in recent years whose military service is questionable or non-existent, you will not find anyone to denigrate the integrity and moral courage of this man. A graduate of Annapolis, du ring his Naval service he received the Silver Star, Bronze Star, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross. His own son is now serving in the Marine Corps in Iraq . Barack Obama is fond of saying "We honor John McCain's service...BUT...", which to me is condescending and offensive - because what I hear is, "Let's forget this man's sacrifice for his country, and his proven leadership abilities, and talk some more about change.
I don't agree with John McCain on everything - but I am utterly convinced that he is qualified to be our next President, and I trust him to do what's right. I know in my heart that he has the best interests of our country in mind. He doesn't simply want to be President - he wants to lead America, and there's a huge difference. Factually, there is simply no comparison between the two candidates. A man of questionable background and motives who prattles on about change, can't hold a candle to a man who has devoted his life in public service to this nation, retiring from the Navy in1981 and elected to the Senate in1982.
Perhaps Obama's supporters are taking a stance between old and new. Maybe they don't care about McCain's service or his strength of character, or his unblemished qualifications to be President. Maybe "likeability" is a higher priority for them than "trust". Being a prisoner of war is not what qualifies John McCain to be President of the United States of America - but his demonstrated leadership certainly DOES.
Dear friends, it is time for us to stand. It is time for thinking Americans to say, "Enough." It is time for people of all parties to stop following the party line. It is time for anyone who wants to keep America first, who wants the right man leading their nation, to start a dialogue with all their friends and neighbors and ask who they're voting for, and why.
There's a lot of evil in this world. That should be readily apparent to all of us by now. And when faced with that evil as we are now, I want a man who knows the cost of war on his troops and on his citizens. I want a man who puts my family's interests before any foreign country.
I want a President who's qualified to lead.
I want my country back.
******************************************************************************
The moral of my story? Vote how you want. Think how you want. I don’t care. It’s [still] a free country. But don’t flood my in-box with your nonsense. I don’t do it to you. And while I won’t ask you to stop being who you are, let me be me.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Better in Time
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Broken Hearts and Healing and Three Steps Back
I think it’s weird how you can be going along in your life just fine…doing things that make you happy…keeping busy….surrounding yourself with people who love you…and then BAM!!!!!...sadness hits you like a ton of bricks. I’ve been doing a lot of running lately. Or shall we say hiding. I’ve been hiding from my feelings. I don’t want to feel. I want to be happy. I don’t want to be sad. I want to have girls’ nights and wear high heels and do photo shoots and watch football and dance to Go Cubs Go. The last thing I want to do is cry.
And today I’m crying. I feel like such a fool. I did the one thing that I KNEW I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO DO!!!! There’s one person in this entire world who can get under my skin. He can find his way around all walls of defense I have built up. He is the only person who I’ve been completely and totally and utterly myself with. And you know what? He doesn’t like myself anymore. I’m not good enough according to him. But oh gawd do I want the man that I fell in love with…the man from my memories. And so when he talks to me and says be my friend and we’ll start slow and we’ll have fun and this and that….I can feel my resolve weakening. I can feel the yearning that I’ve drunk into numbness fighting to come out.
And then he does the flip and tells me I’m a lesser person and a horrible person and a miserable person. I can’t really get mad at him though. I mean, this is him. This is who he is. No. The person I’m mad at is myself. I know better. I know that in order to remain happy and in order to not cry…I have to stay away. No contact. No nothing.
It’s hard. And today I feel like all the progress I’ve made has become undone. I want to go home and crawl into bed and hide.
I have some amazing people in my life, and the Universe seems to know what I need before I even need it, and I’m truly blessed. They aren’t letting me crawl back into myself. They’re not sitting here telling me what an idiot I am for talking to him. They don’t tell me that I’m doing this to myself. They would be correct if they did, because it’s true. I am doing it to myself. I want to heal, but I don’t want to let go. He’s unhealthy for me. He’s bad for me. Communicating with him is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette.
I let him break me once, twice, I don’t know how many times. I don’t want to be broken anymore. What do I want? I want my sweet man back. And since that’s impossible, I want my brain and my heart to understand that he isn’t ever going to be my sweet man again.
I guess taking three steps back is what I needed to do…life was moving really fast and I wasn’t dealing with things. I admittedly was hiding from my feelings. I don’t like to hurt. I don’t like to cry. But I think in order for me to be complete I need to get a move on and process these feelings. And then….maybe I’ll be whole.
And today I’m crying. I feel like such a fool. I did the one thing that I KNEW I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO DO!!!! There’s one person in this entire world who can get under my skin. He can find his way around all walls of defense I have built up. He is the only person who I’ve been completely and totally and utterly myself with. And you know what? He doesn’t like myself anymore. I’m not good enough according to him. But oh gawd do I want the man that I fell in love with…the man from my memories. And so when he talks to me and says be my friend and we’ll start slow and we’ll have fun and this and that….I can feel my resolve weakening. I can feel the yearning that I’ve drunk into numbness fighting to come out.
And then he does the flip and tells me I’m a lesser person and a horrible person and a miserable person. I can’t really get mad at him though. I mean, this is him. This is who he is. No. The person I’m mad at is myself. I know better. I know that in order to remain happy and in order to not cry…I have to stay away. No contact. No nothing.
It’s hard. And today I feel like all the progress I’ve made has become undone. I want to go home and crawl into bed and hide.
I have some amazing people in my life, and the Universe seems to know what I need before I even need it, and I’m truly blessed. They aren’t letting me crawl back into myself. They’re not sitting here telling me what an idiot I am for talking to him. They don’t tell me that I’m doing this to myself. They would be correct if they did, because it’s true. I am doing it to myself. I want to heal, but I don’t want to let go. He’s unhealthy for me. He’s bad for me. Communicating with him is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette.
I let him break me once, twice, I don’t know how many times. I don’t want to be broken anymore. What do I want? I want my sweet man back. And since that’s impossible, I want my brain and my heart to understand that he isn’t ever going to be my sweet man again.
I guess taking three steps back is what I needed to do…life was moving really fast and I wasn’t dealing with things. I admittedly was hiding from my feelings. I don’t like to hurt. I don’t like to cry. But I think in order for me to be complete I need to get a move on and process these feelings. And then….maybe I’ll be whole.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
It's time to close the book
Life has been CRAZY lately. I've been so busy...running running running. I feel like I'm a brand new person. I feel so enlightened. Things that I never wanted to see, never wanted to accept, never wanted to admit...now it's like I'm waking up and the blinders have come off. I'm able to see things for what they were.
Take for example, a relationship that ended. No, no, no, I'm not going to sit here and badmouth this man. That's mean. Obviously he had some very good qualities otherwise I wouldn't have fallen so deeply in love with him so long ago. No, what I'm going to talk about is the way that I treated him for a short time. This morning I was walking down the steps at the train station and I saw this woman with a brace on her knee, slowly trying to maneuver down the steps. FLASH BACK. Early last year I was in the same position. Only the then boyfriend was kind enough to drive me downtown in shitty weather when he had no reason to be there to begin with. Anyway, part of my flashback was remembering the song that was on the radio and the thoughts that went through my mind at the time. I stopped in mid-step on the platform as that memory played in my mind. It was not one of my finer moments. Anyway, I sent him a text acknowledging and apologizing. I know, it won't make up for the way I made him feel, but it's a lesson that I finally learned that, if faced with a similar circumstance in the future, I'll behave differently.
I've been really happy lately. I could attribute it to the new people in my life, but I really think it's a combination of so many things. I'm back to being silly again....which reminds me of the days when my nickname was Rock-in-Roll Jenn. I'm laughing a lot. I'm spending time with my friends. I'm doing things with my kids. I've adopted two new kitty cats. I'm flirting. I'm having fun.
For so long I was so very sad, and now it's like....I don't know. I'm genuinely happy. But you know what the best part is, the part that shows me that I'm growing as a person? I can look back on this relationship that ended, and no matter all the bad things that happened, all the ways I was destroyed, I can look back and appreciate the things that this man gave me...the knowledge, the courage to love, the ability to take chances, the desire to follow my dreams. I don't hate him. I can't. He'll always be a part of me.
But thankfully, that chapter of my life is over. It's time to move on, and with it, take the lessons that I've learned and incorporate them into my present...and future.
It's time to close the book.
Take for example, a relationship that ended. No, no, no, I'm not going to sit here and badmouth this man. That's mean. Obviously he had some very good qualities otherwise I wouldn't have fallen so deeply in love with him so long ago. No, what I'm going to talk about is the way that I treated him for a short time. This morning I was walking down the steps at the train station and I saw this woman with a brace on her knee, slowly trying to maneuver down the steps. FLASH BACK. Early last year I was in the same position. Only the then boyfriend was kind enough to drive me downtown in shitty weather when he had no reason to be there to begin with. Anyway, part of my flashback was remembering the song that was on the radio and the thoughts that went through my mind at the time. I stopped in mid-step on the platform as that memory played in my mind. It was not one of my finer moments. Anyway, I sent him a text acknowledging and apologizing. I know, it won't make up for the way I made him feel, but it's a lesson that I finally learned that, if faced with a similar circumstance in the future, I'll behave differently.
I've been really happy lately. I could attribute it to the new people in my life, but I really think it's a combination of so many things. I'm back to being silly again....which reminds me of the days when my nickname was Rock-in-Roll Jenn. I'm laughing a lot. I'm spending time with my friends. I'm doing things with my kids. I've adopted two new kitty cats. I'm flirting. I'm having fun.
For so long I was so very sad, and now it's like....I don't know. I'm genuinely happy. But you know what the best part is, the part that shows me that I'm growing as a person? I can look back on this relationship that ended, and no matter all the bad things that happened, all the ways I was destroyed, I can look back and appreciate the things that this man gave me...the knowledge, the courage to love, the ability to take chances, the desire to follow my dreams. I don't hate him. I can't. He'll always be a part of me.
But thankfully, that chapter of my life is over. It's time to move on, and with it, take the lessons that I've learned and incorporate them into my present...and future.
It's time to close the book.
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