Can someone please tell me what is wrong with these people?

Last night I was watching the news and they were talking about the Democratic Convention and Barack Obama and all that political stuff that I don’t pay too much attention to.

And then I heard something that almost made me choke on the slice of pizza I was eating. It seems that Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson) is calling for his followers to pray for torrential rain so that Mr. Obama’s speech will get rained out.

Oh, but wait, it gets better. As I was doing a Google search for more information on this, I came across this handy dandy little blog.

Ok. Now all I can really say here is OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ARE INSANE!!!!!

Look, we all know that rational thinking is often not my strong point. And we all know that I get overly emotional and can go off on a tangent like nobody’s business. But please, please, PLEASE people…can you not use your brains here?

First of all, what is this nonsense? You don’t like what Mr. Obama has to say about abortion so you’re going to pray that his speech will be rained out? I see. So, let’s ignore the fact that there are plenty of places that are in such a horrible drought that they desperately need rain. And let’s also ignore the fact that praying to the invisible man in the sky to rain on somebody’s parade simply because you don’t like what he has to say is utterly ridiculous and childish. But tell me this. If the Democratic Convention is “rained out”, will that change Mr. Obama’s view on abortion? Speaking of which, how many of these people honestly know what Mr. Obama’s view on abortion is? Well, folks, here it is.

Read it. Study it. Learn it. There will be a test on it later as another fundamentalist idiot is sure to open their mouth and spew hatred. I’m not about to get into a discussion about abortion because, as a woman, I’m personally sick of these fools trying to tell me what’s good for me and what’s bad for me when it’s my body and I can do whatever the hell I want. So there. Once again, I don’t need a moral babysitter to tell me the difference between right and wrong as I already have a conscience (this is what I mean about me and my tangents).

Now, let’s touch briefly on this silly rumor that Mr. Obama is the anti-christ. You people are dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. You know you don’t really believe he’s the anti-christ. I mean, the end of times has been coming for the past 30 years as far as I’m aware, because I remember sitting in church one Sunday night when I was the young age of 7 or 8 and watching a movie about the rapture that was filmed in the 70’s. Well, it’s been almost 30 years since the end of the 70’s and we’re still here….no rapture, no anti-christ, no barcode tattooed on our arm or forehead.

Look people. Use your brain. Think for yourself and stop listening to the poison that is being spewed from the pulpits. Join the real world and stop worrying so much about what’s going to happen when you die and are buried 6 feet under. There is no reason to live your life in fear of eternal damnation in the flaming pits of hell. If that actually does happen, well you’ll already be dead so I doubt you’ll feel it much. But if, as your bible says, your acts on earth decide what riches you’ll get in heaven, then don’t you think you should stop being so nasty and intolerant of those that you don’t agree with?

Lyrics of the Day - Shattered (O.A.R.)

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

What’s On my Mind Today….Grieving for a Loss

It’s been said that there are 5 stages to grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I’ve also heard that there are 3 stages to grief:

1. Numbness
2. Disorganization
3. Reorganization

I was 15 when my great-grandma died and I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. She passed on a Saturday and I was scheduled to sing at church the next day so no one told me until after church Sunday. That still upsets me, but I suppose the adults in my life at the time were more concerned with me singing at church than how losing my great-grandma would affect me…yet another reason why I boycott the Church. Anyway….I remember not believing them (I had just visited her in the nursing home a few days prior). I remember being really really sad. I also remember finally accepting it. I don’t recall the anger or the bargaining, I think I realized that begging god to bring her back or making deals with him simply wouldn’t work.

I did divorce litigation for a lot of years, and I can say without a doubt that the stages of grief are involved there, although most people are too emotional at the time to recognize it. It doesn’t surprise me that the divorces that are supposed to be so simple (uncontested) can turn into some of the nastiest and drawn out processes. And why? Because even though everything is all neat and tidy on paper….visitation schedule is like this, he gets these items, she gets these items, the house will be sold and the proceeds will be divided as follows, etc….what people fail to take into consideration is that there are emotions involved. And when emotions are involved, things can get ugly. People need to allow themselves time to grieve. They need to process all the different emotions that they feel before they can move on. R used to question all the time why I couldn’t behave or speak rationally when I was upset about some. I think he forgot that when emotions are involved, rationality goes out the window.

I know from my own experience, after having thrown myself into the grieving process on purpose, at first I was very numb. I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want to feel the pain that was sure to come. After about four days, I finally broke down and cried. I wasn’t bargaining with the Universe. I was, however, crying and crying and asking how it got to that point. I couldn’t understand how things had gotten to be so bad that I had to remove myself from the situation. Was the pain of the grieving process less than the pain of the situation, or vice versa? I was so torn and conflicted. Part of me wanted to go back to the situation because it was what I knew and loved. I just didn’t want the situation to be the same situation that it was. And the other part of me was screaming no no no just stay strong. I’ve found that when I don’t know what to do, it’s better to do nothing. Or cry myself to sleep, whichever comes first. Regardless, as I found myself wavering and as I found myself questioning my decision and as I found myself wanting to run full speed back to the situation, I kept telling myself that it would pass. I kept telling myself that I had to walk through the fire. I kept telling myself that it was for the best. I kept telling myself that the pain would pass. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t kill me. I keep telling myself that if that person was supposed to remain in my life, then the situation would change.

Some people don’t understand the idea of inner conflict. It may just be a woman thing because Terry Hatcher wrote about it in her book “Burnt Toast”. I think very few people truly understood how conflicted I was. It felt like my arm had been cut off. You’ve heard the saying “a piece of me was missing”? That’s how I felt. In addition to feeling the loss, I was grieving. And in addition to grieving, I was still in love with him. So what did I do? Nothing. I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, then it would be.

Have you ever thrown yourself into the grieving process purposely? Did it make it any easier knowing that it was your choice to do so? Is there an order to the steps? Is it possible to feel everything all at once? How did it turn out?

Quote of the Day

The thing that sucks the most is I have so much I want to share with you because you're the only one who would understand that which is deep and dark within me just trying to burst free...and you're not here. The thing that sucks the most is you were my best friend and my worst enemy and now you're gone. The thing that sucks the most is I forget this...and then I reach for the phone to tell you my news...and I remember I can't call you. The thing that sucks the most is I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. The thing that sucks the most is I miss you and I can't tell you. The thing that sucks the most is...all of this.

---Unknown

The aftermath of a painful breakup….what men don’t know.

My best friend and her boyfriend broke up on Thursday. Their relationship was one that was passionate and intense…and completely dysfunctional. Never a dull moment with those two, ya know. They would break up and get back together, break up and get back together, break up and get back together. When they fought it was intense and when they loved it was intense. Something always kept them coming back to each other.

Anyway, she changed her cell number. She said that’s it, she’s done. Now he can’t contact her, now when her phone rings she won’t be running for it thinking it’s him. Now she can start to heal and get on with her life. She came over this weekend and I was so proud of her. She had started reading this book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. She was talking about the plans and goals and things that she was doing with her kids and how he just wasn’t the one for her because he wasn’t interested in being a part of a family unit and was basically too selfish to even be in a relationship with her.

Then Saturday night I get a hysterical voice message from her saying she caved and called him (blocked) and now she knows he with someone else. I asked her how does she know he’s with someone else? She said because when she was talking to him, trying to get him to understand her point of view, he was saying he doesn’t care. I asked her how that means that he’s with someone else. She said she just ASSumed. Yea. So I talk her down, reminding her of how fabulous she is and that he’s probably missing her so much he can’t even begin to look for another woman, how he loves her just as much as she loves him, but that she needs to get herself straight and maybe when she’s on that road then she’ll realize that he’s not the one for her.

Cool. Right?

First thing this morning she texts me asking me if she should text him with her new number in case he has an emergency and needs to get a hold of her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Girlfriend, what emergency could he possibly have that he would call her instead of his family for? She was once again hysterical. She was bargaining with herself, playing games with herself, and basically not being honest with herself.

And how do I know? Because I've been there. I let my emotions control my common sense. I remember the feeling of horror I would get, the weight on my chest, the upset stomach, the uncontrollable tears, the see-saw between self-confidence and self-doubt. I remember texting him because I was too scared to pick up the phone but I just wanted to know that he cared. And any attention was better than no attention. I remember praying and begging the Universe for this man that I love so much to pay attention to me. I remember waking up and first thing thinking about him. I remember thinking about this man 1000+ times a day. I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I would never be in his arms again or see him smile or kiss him or smell him. And I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed with him and continued on that on-again, off-again roller coaster of emotions that gave me constant heartburn.

Men are so quick to say how they are different than women, yet why do they expect us to deal with things the way they do? When we love someone so much and we’re faced with the thought of losing them or staying with them and things being awful forever, it destroys us. We cry. We yell. We beg and plead and make bargains and do what it takes to keep them. We lose ourselves. We lose all common sense and we lose the ability to think rationally. We stop talking to our friends because we’re sick and tired of hearing them bad mouth this man we love and we’re sick of talking about it because we’re sick of hearing ourselves talk about it. We make excuses for our men because we love them so much and to bad talk them makes us look like we have poor judgment.

And then we reach a point where we just shut down. We do whatever it takes to get through it. We refuse to talk about it because talking about it puts it in our head and if it’s in our head then we have to deal with it. And we’re not ready to deal with it yet. So we ignore it.

Sounds crazy right? We’re not. And that’s the thing. I spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me and that I’m the only person in the world who has ever acted like this. But the funny thing is, the only ones I hear calling women crazy ARE MEN. Tell your story to another woman, and she’ll more than likely cry with you. She’ll know how to get you through it because she was there at some point in her life.

So are we crazy? No. We’re just in love and we’re hurting and we’re torn and confused and we’re scared. But crazy? No.

Learning to love myself (again)

One of my friends asked me why I’m not waiting until I get my boob job done (in November) to model nude. It was kind of hard to explain to her my reasons, but the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me.

See, me getting a boob job was something that I had promised myself I’d do once I was done having babies and once I was in a position financially to pay for it. I’ve always been a petite woman. I mean, even at my “heaviest” post-pregnancy nursing weight I was only 125. My normal size is a 1 and my chest has gotten smaller after each child and weight loss. While it was an issue with me, it wasn’t serious enough to cause me any distress. After all, I’m a beautiful woman who has a lot to offer anyone in my life. Gosh that seems like a lifetime ago that I felt that way.

Today I try to avoid looking in the mirror. I can’t face the woman that I’ve become. And because I’m not happy with the woman that I am on the inside, I can’t seem to appreciate the woman that I am on the outside. I’m not going to list my faults or even the reason that I feel the way I do. All I know is that going up three bra sizes isn’t going to make a difference in how I view myself unless I fix my way of thinking.

In order to do that, I have to learn to love the woman that I am now, today. So I set up a photo shoot with an artist, posing nude, for next weekend. I look at myself nude and learn to love me, all of me. After a two week break to deal with household and family matters, I’m going back to the gym with a vengeance starting tonight. I’m still not smoking but watching what I eat so the weight that I’m gaining is healthy weight and not nasty fat. I’m keeping busy and taking care of me. I’m spending time with my friends and cleaning my house and selling things I don’t need. I’m telling myself one positive thing each day. And, I’m ashamed to say, I’m not dealing with something that I simply am not strong enough to deal with right now. That’s right. The queen of “ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away” is actually ignoring dealing with something.

I’m learning to love myself again. It’s been three days but I’m doing it, one step at a time. I feel myself grow stronger and happier with each passing day. I’m taking care of me and learning to care about how I look again. I’m starting to hold my head up high. I’m not avoiding eye contact. I smile when someone smiles at me. And maybe, in time, I’ll be in a place where I can deal with this painful thing that I’m purposely not dealing with right now.

But for now, it’s baby steps for me.

The Kill