Learning to love myself (again)

One of my friends asked me why I’m not waiting until I get my boob job done (in November) to model nude. It was kind of hard to explain to her my reasons, but the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me.

See, me getting a boob job was something that I had promised myself I’d do once I was done having babies and once I was in a position financially to pay for it. I’ve always been a petite woman. I mean, even at my “heaviest” post-pregnancy nursing weight I was only 125. My normal size is a 1 and my chest has gotten smaller after each child and weight loss. While it was an issue with me, it wasn’t serious enough to cause me any distress. After all, I’m a beautiful woman who has a lot to offer anyone in my life. Gosh that seems like a lifetime ago that I felt that way.

Today I try to avoid looking in the mirror. I can’t face the woman that I’ve become. And because I’m not happy with the woman that I am on the inside, I can’t seem to appreciate the woman that I am on the outside. I’m not going to list my faults or even the reason that I feel the way I do. All I know is that going up three bra sizes isn’t going to make a difference in how I view myself unless I fix my way of thinking.

In order to do that, I have to learn to love the woman that I am now, today. So I set up a photo shoot with an artist, posing nude, for next weekend. I look at myself nude and learn to love me, all of me. After a two week break to deal with household and family matters, I’m going back to the gym with a vengeance starting tonight. I’m still not smoking but watching what I eat so the weight that I’m gaining is healthy weight and not nasty fat. I’m keeping busy and taking care of me. I’m spending time with my friends and cleaning my house and selling things I don’t need. I’m telling myself one positive thing each day. And, I’m ashamed to say, I’m not dealing with something that I simply am not strong enough to deal with right now. That’s right. The queen of “ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away” is actually ignoring dealing with something.

I’m learning to love myself again. It’s been three days but I’m doing it, one step at a time. I feel myself grow stronger and happier with each passing day. I’m taking care of me and learning to care about how I look again. I’m starting to hold my head up high. I’m not avoiding eye contact. I smile when someone smiles at me. And maybe, in time, I’ll be in a place where I can deal with this painful thing that I’m purposely not dealing with right now.

But for now, it’s baby steps for me.

The Kill

Quote of the Day

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

--- Timothy Leary

In looking at the bright side…..

Monday night brought Chicagoland the “storm of all storms”…at least for our area. Let me start from the beginning.

Monday started off as every typical Monday does. Go to work, go to the gym, come home. I mean, sure, it was raining that morning when I got off the train and the wind was a bit stronger than normal (it turned my umbrella inside out as I was crossing the River), but it had cleared up by the time I left work. When I went to the gym the sky was looking pretty clear, and after my hour-and-a-half workout it was dark but I didn’t notice anything abnormal. So I went home and put my dinner in the oven, washed the dishes and sat down and watched Big Brother from On Demand while I was waiting for my dinner to cook. And then it got weird.

I saw a bright flash of lightning and heard thunder boom and shake the whole house. Immediately following that the lights began to dim and the oven timer went off. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my food and as soon as I shut the oven door the power went off. I’m thinking to myself…wow, I don’t usually lose power this must be a bad one.

I find a flashlight and look out my front door. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The light from my flashlight showed a tree blocking my neighbor’s front door as well as part of a tree laying in the street between our two houses. Oh my gosh. I was officially in freak-out mode. I tried calling R and couldn’t get a signal from my cell. I tried texting him and it took forever to go through. I called my neighbor’s girlfriend and told her to call him (my neighbor) cuz the tree was across his stairs. He runs over and tells me not to go in my backyard because my tree came down and pulled down my power lines. Oh my gosh. It was insane.

Finally, after an hour of trying to call ComEd, my dad calling to check on me, my ex-husband coming to see my damage, the insane storm with the hurricane winds, I laid down in bed and tried to get some sleep….only to be woken up a couple hours later by ANOTHER storm…this one with the sirens going off. I stayed in bed and said, well, if there’s tornado just kill me because I am NOT going in the basement.

Now, 5 days later, I still don’t have any electricity. ComEd informed me that I’m not a priority because the rest of my neighborhood has their power restored and, since I’m just one resident without power, I am placed last on the list. I have lost $450 worth of food. My neighbor is running an extension cord from his house to mine so that I was able to clean out the fridge and get some new food. State Farm has been amazing. My claim on my food loss is already being processed. They gave me the go-ahead to have an electrician out to install a new box without having to wait for an adjuster to come out. The adjuster is coming out tomorrow to check out my roof and the rest of the damage to my house.

It’s very frustrating not having any power, but at least now I have food in the house and am able to cook some because the stove top works as long as I light it manually. I’m able to charge my cell phone at work. Tonight, after the gym, I’m going to take my clothes to the laundromat. That should be fun…I haven’t had to do that in years! I’ve been reading books in bed using a flashlight, and lots of candles are keeping the house smelling nice, as well as giving some light. I think the worst part of it all is that I’m incredibly lonely without my kids. They’ve been with their dad the whole week since he has power and I don’t know exactly what damage the house has sustained. But that’s ok. It could be worse. The best part? I’m still not smoking!

How true...

I came across this in my Reader today. It seems fitting.

"A wise and understanding heart does not repay a hurt with a hurt. In doing so, the heart is diminished. Fissures form. Love leaks out. Every pain given in return for one received, changes the contents of the heart. It is no longer defined by love, wisdom and understanding. It is redefined by the bearers of hurt and hate, pain and prejudice, meanness and madness, sorrow and sadness. You give away control of your very own heart. The despair of being hurt is healed by overcoming it, not clinging to the hurt and inflicting more of it on the world.

When darkness is added to darkness, no one can see, no one can love. Everyone loses. Love is not always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it's the integrity we hold on to when we're tempted to strike back. Sometimes it's the honor that keeps us from exchanging the valuable contents of our heart for the harsh satisfaction of lashing back. No, the way of love is not always easy, but when night falls, dawn is assured. The integrity and honor of a wise and understanding heart, rises with the sun of a new day. Living in love and loving life."

Author: careycary

A week unlike any other…but I have achieved stardom!!

I could write about how shitty a week I’ve been having, what with the hurricane winds that knocked out the power in my town, the lightning that struck my tree which branches from said tree fell on my power lines which said power lines pulled out of my house….causing me to remain powerless going into day 4…while the rest of my town is almost finished with the clean up. Or I could talk about how the hundreds of dollars of food….now that I’m eating healthier and more since I’ve been working out and quit smoking….is more than likely going to go bad unless power is restored soon or my next door neighbor takes pity on me and runs an extension cord from my refrigerator to his house. Or I could talk about how much I miss my kids since they’ve been staying with their dad since they own a generator and were in good shape. Or I could talk about….well, I don’t want to talk about that.

I could talk about all these annoying, frustrating or heartbreaking things that my week has consisted of, but instead I prefer to talk about the humor that was just injected into my day.

My daughter called me to tell me she was coming home to take a shower since her dad’s bathroom is getting redone and they shut off the water. No biggie I say. Just DON’T OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR OR FREEZER!!! Being a typical teenager, or perhaps just being her mother’s daughter, she starts complaining about how this no power thing is getting old, she wants to come home, she wants her own bed, she wants the computer, she wants good food, etc…. I told her there’s a ton of food downstairs that I think she can cook on the stovetop that wouldn’t require her to go into the fridge, just go take a look. She sees some beefaroni or ravioli or something and then calls to tell me she can’t get the burner lit. Oops!!! I forgot to tell her the ignitor switch is electric and she has to find the candle lighter and light it manually.

Well, she calls me back again to tell me how happy she is that at least she gets to eat something better than a sandwich and thank’s Mom for letting me know it was there to eat.

Ha ha, so I’m telling one of my bosses that C is happy now because she’s eating, and he said “Well, I am happy because C is happy. It just made my day.” So I told him...I don’t know why she thinks she can be so difficult….now, if you know me, especially you, R, are you cracking up yet?.....and what does my boss say to me? Gee, Jenn, I don’t know why your daughter would be so difficult, I mean, could it be because she’s your daughter? Well, I just had to tell him….look, I never made any secret about me being a difficult woman, but I’ve earned that right. And he said to me….difficult? You’re beyond difficult, you’re high maintenance. Yes, dear reader, I have achieved stardom. Something that R found out in the very beginning and that I have already known has just been affirmed. I am high maintenance. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way ;-)

The Church strikes again

It’s no secret that I’ve been disenchanted with the Church for quite some time now. There was a point during this past year that I wasn’t even sure if I believed in God anymore. After a lot of soul searching, I finally figured out just what it is that I believe in….and what I don’t. Because I feel (very strongly) that every one is entitled to believe (or disbelieve) in what they wish, be it the bible or science or a pop can, I basically refrain from initiating any sort of religious discussion. But sometimes I hear something that REALLY pisses me off, and I have to state just how ridiculous the whole idea of the Church really is.

I have a friend who is really involved in her church. She teaches, she works with the kids, she’s on this committee and on that committee. Basically, her whole life outside of her career revolves around her church. My girlfriend was in a very unique marriage and stayed married to a man for about 3 years too long. I won’t go into the details to protect her privacy, but I will say that her faith in God and believing what the bible has taught her kept her in a marriage that left her feeling, well, alone.

My girlfriend filed for divorce a few weeks ago. Let’s just say that her “church family” isn’t taking it very well. From experience I can tell you that no matter who wants the divorce, the mere act of getting divorced (or ending a long-term relationship) is a very emotional experience. Your whole life gets turned upside down, you’re an emotional wreck, and there are times when you don’t know which way is up. Do you think her “church family” is helping her through this time? No. Of course not. Do you know what she’s getting? Text messages from her so-called friends quoting scripture of how wrong she is. Emails from people who she was once very close to, judging her. The pastor wanting to have a meeting with her. People leaving comments on her Myspace and her Facebook belittling her for her decision. It makes me sick.

She and I had lunch today and she asked what she should do. I can’t make her decision for her. All I can do is share my own experience with the Church and be here to support in her time of need. So what did I tell her?

I told her the story of what happened when the Church found out that I was pregnant with my son before my ex-husband and I were married. I remember very vividly getting into a screaming match with the deacon because he told me that I hadn’t properly repented (for my sin of getting pregnant with my pride and joy). Well, I basically told him to go f*** himself because the only ones I have to answer to is God, myself and eventually my son when he is old enough to do the math (although to be honest I think that by the time that happens it won’t be such a big deal in society’s eyes).

I told her the story of how my ex-husband received a letter in the mail from the Church telling him that they were revoking his membership and, while he could continue to tithe and give his offering to the Church, he wasn’t allowed to have his name on their membership roster anymore.

I told her the story of how I used to be a youth leader in my old church. I related how I was very active in Sunday School, mission work, youth work, choir, etc. I then told her how once I got divorced all of my church friends shunned me and how eventually I simply stopped going to church.

I told her how I don’t need a book that was written by a bunch of men back in the day for the sole purpose of controlling people, especially women, to tell me the difference between right and wrong. I told her how I don’t want to be a part of a group that looks their nose down if you aren’t like them, but many of that same group is involved in some pretty deviant “sin”. I told her that I’m the hardest on myself and I don’t need to get all dressed up once a week and have a competition with other people to see who is the bigger martyr. I told her how instead of running my mouth and quoting scripture that has a bunch of thees and thous in it, I’d rather live as example. I told her that the God that I believe in isn’t a god who promotes rape or stealing or judgment or condemning those who don’t follow him to an eternity of fire.

The thing is, I understand how she feels. Your world falls apart and you think you can lean on those who say they “love” you, and then they turn their back on you. You begin to question everything that you’ve been taught, everything that you thought was true. You begin to doubt yourself because if you were so wrong about your church family, what else were you wrong about?

There are times, like today, when I get really angry at these people. And then there are days when I pity them because they believe so strongly in what they preach that they don’t even see the inconsistencies in the nonsense that they spew. They can’t see just how the very words that they say is in direct contradiction to some of the things that Jesus himself said (according to the bible). So is it any wonder that anyone with a brain who stops to think about this gets confused?

As far as my girlfriend goes, it’ll be a rough road for her. Finding out who your true friends are is something that usually happens when you’re already down. But she’s intelligent. She’ll figure it out. I just feel sorry for those who aren’t so smart.