I love Staind....
"...All the times, that I could beg you please, in vain
All the times, that I felt insecure, for you..."
"I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside your ugly..."
"...All the times, that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain..."
"...But I feel, tomorrow will be OK"
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
It takes a village to raise a child
Last year I received a phone call from one of my girlfriends who was completely hysterical. At the time, her and her boyfriend were living together. She was on his computer and came across some disturbing porn that he had in a folder on his desktop. Photos that consisted of naked children in sexual poses. Photos that consisted of said naked children doing things with animals. It seems that when she confronted him on it, he became enraged at her “snooping” and basically shoved her into the dresser, where she cracked her head on the corner. Then he left.
The most disturbing part of the whole scenario was not that she was upset at the photos, but that she was upset because he left her. Wow. Did I forget to mention that the children in the photos she found were of similar age to her daughter? I don’t know, I think as a mother I would be hysterical at discovering that the man I was in love with, the man I was living with, the man that was around my child on a daily basis, had photos of that sort. The question is, who is more to blame? The photographer who took the photos, the person who was viewing them, or said girlfriend who stayed with him in spite of the photos. Talk about not protecting your child from dangers that may exist.
I have another friend who ended a 20+ year friendship with his best friend after discovering that his best friend was hitting on a girl who was 18, an age close to my friend’s daughter’s age. No, the ex-best friend didn’t do anything sexual with the girl (it all blew up in the press and actually cost him his job), and yes, the girl was 18, but the man was in his 30’s and should have known better. I’m sure it was a difficult decision for my friend to make, ending the friendship as he did. I mean, they had been friends since high school. They worked together. The friend was as much a part of the family as his actual family was. My friend explained it to me like this: if he was trying to date a girl that was close to my daughter’s age, a date that would have led to something sexual, how could I trust him around my daughter. Point well made.
Ironically, in this instance, it wasn’t the girl who was being hit on that had the problem. From what I understand, she was quite willing to go out with this guy. I mean, honestly, what teenager wouldn’t be flattered by the attention of an older man, a man who was already well established in his career, owned his own home, and basically was “so much more mature” that the 18-year-old boys who normally asked her out. No, it was one of the girl’s friends who saw the problem with this and told the girl’s family, who happened to be quite politically connected and, well, cost this man his job.
I remember when I was 18. Most of my friends had become strippers. Hey, it was easy money, they got to play dress up (and dress off) and they got to feel beautiful. You have no idea how badly I wanted to do it too. Fortunately, I had an adult in my life who insisted that taking my clothes off was something that I would regret when I got older. I was pretty pissed at the time, but then I got a job at a 5 star hotel and realized that I’d rather be a career woman. I can tell you, looking back, I’m glad that I had an adult in my life looking out for me. I would have regretted it. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to know that taking your clothes off in any manner is a very personal decision that can’t be made in the spur of the moment. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to realize that the things that I did then I would be haunted by now.
So you may ask why have I taken my clothes off to model? Well, I’m 32 years old. The circumstances in which I have taken my clothes off are circumstances in which I have weighed the decision very carefully. I’m also mature enough to know that the difference. And I thank that person who, 14 years ago, convinced me to wait until I was mature enough to do something of that sort.
Let me tell you another story from when I was 18, a story of another adult who didn’t care how old (or young) I was, and had no problem suggesting, or attempting to encourage some behavior that, if I had done it, I would still be regretting now.
Prior to my hotel job, I worked for a very small place. There was the owner, me (the secretary), a full time employee and two part-time employees. We were more like a family that anything else. Or so I thought. One day the owner (who was quite older than me) asked me if I wanted to run errands with him downtown. Shoot, anything to get out of work, right?! We went to the City, ran our errands, and then stopped at a great little pizza place for lunch. It was there that he gave me a couple glasses of beer. Now, I was certainly no stranger to alcohol, but it was quite different when an adult (and not someone just barely 21) was giving it to me. But whatever. I drank up. It was then, on our way home, that he made the proposition that I will never forget.
See, I was a single mom. My angel girl was just a few months old. I was barely scraping by to pay the bills and take care of her. Seeing all this, he made me this offer: he would take care of me financially (i.e. I would never want for anything again) and all I had to do was have sex with him when he wanted to. Hmmmm…what a deal right? At the time, I would have done practically anything to provide for my child. Life was a struggle and I hated it. But I said no. I said no because I wasn’t attracted to him. And not for any other reason that that. See what I mean about not having the brains to make informed decisions when you’re 18? Of course, now I look back and I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of what I could have done if only he were a little bit more attractive. Thank god I was shallow even then huh.
My point in all this is that teenagers will do most anything. I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, in trying to explain the dangers that are out there to my angel girl. She recently made a very bad decision that could have been a whole lot worse. My ex thinks punishing her is the right thing to do. I think that educating her is what needs to be done in order to prevent her from making a similar decision in the future. My next door neighbor offered to discuss things with her. My girlfriends have spoken with her. It is really and truly taking a village to raise this child of mine. I want her making smart decisions and not doing something that she’s going to regret in the future.
Now, back to my friends. My girlfriend ended up staying with her boyfriend BECAUSE SHE LOVED HIM. She is now in a custody battle for her daughter. My other friend hasn’t spoken to his ex-best friend at all, and this occurred years ago. He couldn’t stomach what his friend did, and made the very difficult decision of walking away from the friendship in order to take a stand for his daughter. Was it extreme? Some say yes. I say that when you become a parent, there are certain things that become a no-no. I also say that when you become a certain age, certain age groups become a no-no as well.
It takes a village to raise a child, and adults need to be conscientious of the things that they do, whether improper or not, because as an adult they need to set examples for these teenagers and guide them and teach them so that the decisions they make will benefit them.
The most disturbing part of the whole scenario was not that she was upset at the photos, but that she was upset because he left her. Wow. Did I forget to mention that the children in the photos she found were of similar age to her daughter? I don’t know, I think as a mother I would be hysterical at discovering that the man I was in love with, the man I was living with, the man that was around my child on a daily basis, had photos of that sort. The question is, who is more to blame? The photographer who took the photos, the person who was viewing them, or said girlfriend who stayed with him in spite of the photos. Talk about not protecting your child from dangers that may exist.
I have another friend who ended a 20+ year friendship with his best friend after discovering that his best friend was hitting on a girl who was 18, an age close to my friend’s daughter’s age. No, the ex-best friend didn’t do anything sexual with the girl (it all blew up in the press and actually cost him his job), and yes, the girl was 18, but the man was in his 30’s and should have known better. I’m sure it was a difficult decision for my friend to make, ending the friendship as he did. I mean, they had been friends since high school. They worked together. The friend was as much a part of the family as his actual family was. My friend explained it to me like this: if he was trying to date a girl that was close to my daughter’s age, a date that would have led to something sexual, how could I trust him around my daughter. Point well made.
Ironically, in this instance, it wasn’t the girl who was being hit on that had the problem. From what I understand, she was quite willing to go out with this guy. I mean, honestly, what teenager wouldn’t be flattered by the attention of an older man, a man who was already well established in his career, owned his own home, and basically was “so much more mature” that the 18-year-old boys who normally asked her out. No, it was one of the girl’s friends who saw the problem with this and told the girl’s family, who happened to be quite politically connected and, well, cost this man his job.
I remember when I was 18. Most of my friends had become strippers. Hey, it was easy money, they got to play dress up (and dress off) and they got to feel beautiful. You have no idea how badly I wanted to do it too. Fortunately, I had an adult in my life who insisted that taking my clothes off was something that I would regret when I got older. I was pretty pissed at the time, but then I got a job at a 5 star hotel and realized that I’d rather be a career woman. I can tell you, looking back, I’m glad that I had an adult in my life looking out for me. I would have regretted it. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to know that taking your clothes off in any manner is a very personal decision that can’t be made in the spur of the moment. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to realize that the things that I did then I would be haunted by now.
So you may ask why have I taken my clothes off to model? Well, I’m 32 years old. The circumstances in which I have taken my clothes off are circumstances in which I have weighed the decision very carefully. I’m also mature enough to know that the difference. And I thank that person who, 14 years ago, convinced me to wait until I was mature enough to do something of that sort.
Let me tell you another story from when I was 18, a story of another adult who didn’t care how old (or young) I was, and had no problem suggesting, or attempting to encourage some behavior that, if I had done it, I would still be regretting now.
Prior to my hotel job, I worked for a very small place. There was the owner, me (the secretary), a full time employee and two part-time employees. We were more like a family that anything else. Or so I thought. One day the owner (who was quite older than me) asked me if I wanted to run errands with him downtown. Shoot, anything to get out of work, right?! We went to the City, ran our errands, and then stopped at a great little pizza place for lunch. It was there that he gave me a couple glasses of beer. Now, I was certainly no stranger to alcohol, but it was quite different when an adult (and not someone just barely 21) was giving it to me. But whatever. I drank up. It was then, on our way home, that he made the proposition that I will never forget.
See, I was a single mom. My angel girl was just a few months old. I was barely scraping by to pay the bills and take care of her. Seeing all this, he made me this offer: he would take care of me financially (i.e. I would never want for anything again) and all I had to do was have sex with him when he wanted to. Hmmmm…what a deal right? At the time, I would have done practically anything to provide for my child. Life was a struggle and I hated it. But I said no. I said no because I wasn’t attracted to him. And not for any other reason that that. See what I mean about not having the brains to make informed decisions when you’re 18? Of course, now I look back and I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of what I could have done if only he were a little bit more attractive. Thank god I was shallow even then huh.
My point in all this is that teenagers will do most anything. I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, in trying to explain the dangers that are out there to my angel girl. She recently made a very bad decision that could have been a whole lot worse. My ex thinks punishing her is the right thing to do. I think that educating her is what needs to be done in order to prevent her from making a similar decision in the future. My next door neighbor offered to discuss things with her. My girlfriends have spoken with her. It is really and truly taking a village to raise this child of mine. I want her making smart decisions and not doing something that she’s going to regret in the future.
Now, back to my friends. My girlfriend ended up staying with her boyfriend BECAUSE SHE LOVED HIM. She is now in a custody battle for her daughter. My other friend hasn’t spoken to his ex-best friend at all, and this occurred years ago. He couldn’t stomach what his friend did, and made the very difficult decision of walking away from the friendship in order to take a stand for his daughter. Was it extreme? Some say yes. I say that when you become a parent, there are certain things that become a no-no. I also say that when you become a certain age, certain age groups become a no-no as well.
It takes a village to raise a child, and adults need to be conscientious of the things that they do, whether improper or not, because as an adult they need to set examples for these teenagers and guide them and teach them so that the decisions they make will benefit them.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Can someone please tell me what is wrong with these people?
Last night I was watching the news and they were talking about the Democratic Convention and Barack Obama and all that political stuff that I don’t pay too much attention to.
And then I heard something that almost made me choke on the slice of pizza I was eating. It seems that Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson) is calling for his followers to pray for torrential rain so that Mr. Obama’s speech will get rained out.
Oh, but wait, it gets better. As I was doing a Google search for more information on this, I came across this handy dandy little blog.
Ok. Now all I can really say here is OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ARE INSANE!!!!!
Look, we all know that rational thinking is often not my strong point. And we all know that I get overly emotional and can go off on a tangent like nobody’s business. But please, please, PLEASE people…can you not use your brains here?
First of all, what is this nonsense? You don’t like what Mr. Obama has to say about abortion so you’re going to pray that his speech will be rained out? I see. So, let’s ignore the fact that there are plenty of places that are in such a horrible drought that they desperately need rain. And let’s also ignore the fact that praying to the invisible man in the sky to rain on somebody’s parade simply because you don’t like what he has to say is utterly ridiculous and childish. But tell me this. If the Democratic Convention is “rained out”, will that change Mr. Obama’s view on abortion? Speaking of which, how many of these people honestly know what Mr. Obama’s view on abortion is? Well, folks, here it is.
Read it. Study it. Learn it. There will be a test on it later as another fundamentalist idiot is sure to open their mouth and spew hatred. I’m not about to get into a discussion about abortion because, as a woman, I’m personally sick of these fools trying to tell me what’s good for me and what’s bad for me when it’s my body and I can do whatever the hell I want. So there. Once again, I don’t need a moral babysitter to tell me the difference between right and wrong as I already have a conscience (this is what I mean about me and my tangents).
Now, let’s touch briefly on this silly rumor that Mr. Obama is the anti-christ. You people are dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. You know you don’t really believe he’s the anti-christ. I mean, the end of times has been coming for the past 30 years as far as I’m aware, because I remember sitting in church one Sunday night when I was the young age of 7 or 8 and watching a movie about the rapture that was filmed in the 70’s. Well, it’s been almost 30 years since the end of the 70’s and we’re still here….no rapture, no anti-christ, no barcode tattooed on our arm or forehead.
Look people. Use your brain. Think for yourself and stop listening to the poison that is being spewed from the pulpits. Join the real world and stop worrying so much about what’s going to happen when you die and are buried 6 feet under. There is no reason to live your life in fear of eternal damnation in the flaming pits of hell. If that actually does happen, well you’ll already be dead so I doubt you’ll feel it much. But if, as your bible says, your acts on earth decide what riches you’ll get in heaven, then don’t you think you should stop being so nasty and intolerant of those that you don’t agree with?
And then I heard something that almost made me choke on the slice of pizza I was eating. It seems that Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson) is calling for his followers to pray for torrential rain so that Mr. Obama’s speech will get rained out.
Oh, but wait, it gets better. As I was doing a Google search for more information on this, I came across this handy dandy little blog.
Ok. Now all I can really say here is OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ARE INSANE!!!!!
Look, we all know that rational thinking is often not my strong point. And we all know that I get overly emotional and can go off on a tangent like nobody’s business. But please, please, PLEASE people…can you not use your brains here?
First of all, what is this nonsense? You don’t like what Mr. Obama has to say about abortion so you’re going to pray that his speech will be rained out? I see. So, let’s ignore the fact that there are plenty of places that are in such a horrible drought that they desperately need rain. And let’s also ignore the fact that praying to the invisible man in the sky to rain on somebody’s parade simply because you don’t like what he has to say is utterly ridiculous and childish. But tell me this. If the Democratic Convention is “rained out”, will that change Mr. Obama’s view on abortion? Speaking of which, how many of these people honestly know what Mr. Obama’s view on abortion is? Well, folks, here it is.
Read it. Study it. Learn it. There will be a test on it later as another fundamentalist idiot is sure to open their mouth and spew hatred. I’m not about to get into a discussion about abortion because, as a woman, I’m personally sick of these fools trying to tell me what’s good for me and what’s bad for me when it’s my body and I can do whatever the hell I want. So there. Once again, I don’t need a moral babysitter to tell me the difference between right and wrong as I already have a conscience (this is what I mean about me and my tangents).
Now, let’s touch briefly on this silly rumor that Mr. Obama is the anti-christ. You people are dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. You know you don’t really believe he’s the anti-christ. I mean, the end of times has been coming for the past 30 years as far as I’m aware, because I remember sitting in church one Sunday night when I was the young age of 7 or 8 and watching a movie about the rapture that was filmed in the 70’s. Well, it’s been almost 30 years since the end of the 70’s and we’re still here….no rapture, no anti-christ, no barcode tattooed on our arm or forehead.
Look people. Use your brain. Think for yourself and stop listening to the poison that is being spewed from the pulpits. Join the real world and stop worrying so much about what’s going to happen when you die and are buried 6 feet under. There is no reason to live your life in fear of eternal damnation in the flaming pits of hell. If that actually does happen, well you’ll already be dead so I doubt you’ll feel it much. But if, as your bible says, your acts on earth decide what riches you’ll get in heaven, then don’t you think you should stop being so nasty and intolerant of those that you don’t agree with?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Lyrics of the Day - Shattered (O.A.R.)
In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around
What’s On my Mind Today….Grieving for a Loss
It’s been said that there are 5 stages to grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I’ve also heard that there are 3 stages to grief:
1. Numbness
2. Disorganization
3. Reorganization
I was 15 when my great-grandma died and I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. She passed on a Saturday and I was scheduled to sing at church the next day so no one told me until after church Sunday. That still upsets me, but I suppose the adults in my life at the time were more concerned with me singing at church than how losing my great-grandma would affect me…yet another reason why I boycott the Church. Anyway….I remember not believing them (I had just visited her in the nursing home a few days prior). I remember being really really sad. I also remember finally accepting it. I don’t recall the anger or the bargaining, I think I realized that begging god to bring her back or making deals with him simply wouldn’t work.
I did divorce litigation for a lot of years, and I can say without a doubt that the stages of grief are involved there, although most people are too emotional at the time to recognize it. It doesn’t surprise me that the divorces that are supposed to be so simple (uncontested) can turn into some of the nastiest and drawn out processes. And why? Because even though everything is all neat and tidy on paper….visitation schedule is like this, he gets these items, she gets these items, the house will be sold and the proceeds will be divided as follows, etc….what people fail to take into consideration is that there are emotions involved. And when emotions are involved, things can get ugly. People need to allow themselves time to grieve. They need to process all the different emotions that they feel before they can move on. R used to question all the time why I couldn’t behave or speak rationally when I was upset about some. I think he forgot that when emotions are involved, rationality goes out the window.
I know from my own experience, after having thrown myself into the grieving process on purpose, at first I was very numb. I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want to feel the pain that was sure to come. After about four days, I finally broke down and cried. I wasn’t bargaining with the Universe. I was, however, crying and crying and asking how it got to that point. I couldn’t understand how things had gotten to be so bad that I had to remove myself from the situation. Was the pain of the grieving process less than the pain of the situation, or vice versa? I was so torn and conflicted. Part of me wanted to go back to the situation because it was what I knew and loved. I just didn’t want the situation to be the same situation that it was. And the other part of me was screaming no no no just stay strong. I’ve found that when I don’t know what to do, it’s better to do nothing. Or cry myself to sleep, whichever comes first. Regardless, as I found myself wavering and as I found myself questioning my decision and as I found myself wanting to run full speed back to the situation, I kept telling myself that it would pass. I kept telling myself that I had to walk through the fire. I kept telling myself that it was for the best. I kept telling myself that the pain would pass. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t kill me. I keep telling myself that if that person was supposed to remain in my life, then the situation would change.
Some people don’t understand the idea of inner conflict. It may just be a woman thing because Terry Hatcher wrote about it in her book “Burnt Toast”. I think very few people truly understood how conflicted I was. It felt like my arm had been cut off. You’ve heard the saying “a piece of me was missing”? That’s how I felt. In addition to feeling the loss, I was grieving. And in addition to grieving, I was still in love with him. So what did I do? Nothing. I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, then it would be.
Have you ever thrown yourself into the grieving process purposely? Did it make it any easier knowing that it was your choice to do so? Is there an order to the steps? Is it possible to feel everything all at once? How did it turn out?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I’ve also heard that there are 3 stages to grief:
1. Numbness
2. Disorganization
3. Reorganization
I was 15 when my great-grandma died and I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. She passed on a Saturday and I was scheduled to sing at church the next day so no one told me until after church Sunday. That still upsets me, but I suppose the adults in my life at the time were more concerned with me singing at church than how losing my great-grandma would affect me…yet another reason why I boycott the Church. Anyway….I remember not believing them (I had just visited her in the nursing home a few days prior). I remember being really really sad. I also remember finally accepting it. I don’t recall the anger or the bargaining, I think I realized that begging god to bring her back or making deals with him simply wouldn’t work.
I did divorce litigation for a lot of years, and I can say without a doubt that the stages of grief are involved there, although most people are too emotional at the time to recognize it. It doesn’t surprise me that the divorces that are supposed to be so simple (uncontested) can turn into some of the nastiest and drawn out processes. And why? Because even though everything is all neat and tidy on paper….visitation schedule is like this, he gets these items, she gets these items, the house will be sold and the proceeds will be divided as follows, etc….what people fail to take into consideration is that there are emotions involved. And when emotions are involved, things can get ugly. People need to allow themselves time to grieve. They need to process all the different emotions that they feel before they can move on. R used to question all the time why I couldn’t behave or speak rationally when I was upset about some. I think he forgot that when emotions are involved, rationality goes out the window.
I know from my own experience, after having thrown myself into the grieving process on purpose, at first I was very numb. I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want to feel the pain that was sure to come. After about four days, I finally broke down and cried. I wasn’t bargaining with the Universe. I was, however, crying and crying and asking how it got to that point. I couldn’t understand how things had gotten to be so bad that I had to remove myself from the situation. Was the pain of the grieving process less than the pain of the situation, or vice versa? I was so torn and conflicted. Part of me wanted to go back to the situation because it was what I knew and loved. I just didn’t want the situation to be the same situation that it was. And the other part of me was screaming no no no just stay strong. I’ve found that when I don’t know what to do, it’s better to do nothing. Or cry myself to sleep, whichever comes first. Regardless, as I found myself wavering and as I found myself questioning my decision and as I found myself wanting to run full speed back to the situation, I kept telling myself that it would pass. I kept telling myself that I had to walk through the fire. I kept telling myself that it was for the best. I kept telling myself that the pain would pass. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t kill me. I keep telling myself that if that person was supposed to remain in my life, then the situation would change.
Some people don’t understand the idea of inner conflict. It may just be a woman thing because Terry Hatcher wrote about it in her book “Burnt Toast”. I think very few people truly understood how conflicted I was. It felt like my arm had been cut off. You’ve heard the saying “a piece of me was missing”? That’s how I felt. In addition to feeling the loss, I was grieving. And in addition to grieving, I was still in love with him. So what did I do? Nothing. I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, then it would be.
Have you ever thrown yourself into the grieving process purposely? Did it make it any easier knowing that it was your choice to do so? Is there an order to the steps? Is it possible to feel everything all at once? How did it turn out?
Monday, August 18, 2008
Quote of the Day
The thing that sucks the most is I have so much I want to share with you because you're the only one who would understand that which is deep and dark within me just trying to burst free...and you're not here. The thing that sucks the most is you were my best friend and my worst enemy and now you're gone. The thing that sucks the most is I forget this...and then I reach for the phone to tell you my news...and I remember I can't call you. The thing that sucks the most is I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. The thing that sucks the most is I miss you and I can't tell you. The thing that sucks the most is...all of this.
---Unknown
---Unknown
The aftermath of a painful breakup….what men don’t know.
My best friend and her boyfriend broke up on Thursday. Their relationship was one that was passionate and intense…and completely dysfunctional. Never a dull moment with those two, ya know. They would break up and get back together, break up and get back together, break up and get back together. When they fought it was intense and when they loved it was intense. Something always kept them coming back to each other.
Anyway, she changed her cell number. She said that’s it, she’s done. Now he can’t contact her, now when her phone rings she won’t be running for it thinking it’s him. Now she can start to heal and get on with her life. She came over this weekend and I was so proud of her. She had started reading this book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. She was talking about the plans and goals and things that she was doing with her kids and how he just wasn’t the one for her because he wasn’t interested in being a part of a family unit and was basically too selfish to even be in a relationship with her.
Then Saturday night I get a hysterical voice message from her saying she caved and called him (blocked) and now she knows he with someone else. I asked her how does she know he’s with someone else? She said because when she was talking to him, trying to get him to understand her point of view, he was saying he doesn’t care. I asked her how that means that he’s with someone else. She said she just ASSumed. Yea. So I talk her down, reminding her of how fabulous she is and that he’s probably missing her so much he can’t even begin to look for another woman, how he loves her just as much as she loves him, but that she needs to get herself straight and maybe when she’s on that road then she’ll realize that he’s not the one for her.
Cool. Right?
First thing this morning she texts me asking me if she should text him with her new number in case he has an emergency and needs to get a hold of her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Girlfriend, what emergency could he possibly have that he would call her instead of his family for? She was once again hysterical. She was bargaining with herself, playing games with herself, and basically not being honest with herself.
And how do I know? Because I've been there. I let my emotions control my common sense. I remember the feeling of horror I would get, the weight on my chest, the upset stomach, the uncontrollable tears, the see-saw between self-confidence and self-doubt. I remember texting him because I was too scared to pick up the phone but I just wanted to know that he cared. And any attention was better than no attention. I remember praying and begging the Universe for this man that I love so much to pay attention to me. I remember waking up and first thing thinking about him. I remember thinking about this man 1000+ times a day. I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I would never be in his arms again or see him smile or kiss him or smell him. And I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed with him and continued on that on-again, off-again roller coaster of emotions that gave me constant heartburn.
Men are so quick to say how they are different than women, yet why do they expect us to deal with things the way they do? When we love someone so much and we’re faced with the thought of losing them or staying with them and things being awful forever, it destroys us. We cry. We yell. We beg and plead and make bargains and do what it takes to keep them. We lose ourselves. We lose all common sense and we lose the ability to think rationally. We stop talking to our friends because we’re sick and tired of hearing them bad mouth this man we love and we’re sick of talking about it because we’re sick of hearing ourselves talk about it. We make excuses for our men because we love them so much and to bad talk them makes us look like we have poor judgment.
And then we reach a point where we just shut down. We do whatever it takes to get through it. We refuse to talk about it because talking about it puts it in our head and if it’s in our head then we have to deal with it. And we’re not ready to deal with it yet. So we ignore it.
Sounds crazy right? We’re not. And that’s the thing. I spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me and that I’m the only person in the world who has ever acted like this. But the funny thing is, the only ones I hear calling women crazy ARE MEN. Tell your story to another woman, and she’ll more than likely cry with you. She’ll know how to get you through it because she was there at some point in her life.
So are we crazy? No. We’re just in love and we’re hurting and we’re torn and confused and we’re scared. But crazy? No.
Anyway, she changed her cell number. She said that’s it, she’s done. Now he can’t contact her, now when her phone rings she won’t be running for it thinking it’s him. Now she can start to heal and get on with her life. She came over this weekend and I was so proud of her. She had started reading this book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. She was talking about the plans and goals and things that she was doing with her kids and how he just wasn’t the one for her because he wasn’t interested in being a part of a family unit and was basically too selfish to even be in a relationship with her.
Then Saturday night I get a hysterical voice message from her saying she caved and called him (blocked) and now she knows he with someone else. I asked her how does she know he’s with someone else? She said because when she was talking to him, trying to get him to understand her point of view, he was saying he doesn’t care. I asked her how that means that he’s with someone else. She said she just ASSumed. Yea. So I talk her down, reminding her of how fabulous she is and that he’s probably missing her so much he can’t even begin to look for another woman, how he loves her just as much as she loves him, but that she needs to get herself straight and maybe when she’s on that road then she’ll realize that he’s not the one for her.
Cool. Right?
First thing this morning she texts me asking me if she should text him with her new number in case he has an emergency and needs to get a hold of her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Girlfriend, what emergency could he possibly have that he would call her instead of his family for? She was once again hysterical. She was bargaining with herself, playing games with herself, and basically not being honest with herself.
And how do I know? Because I've been there. I let my emotions control my common sense. I remember the feeling of horror I would get, the weight on my chest, the upset stomach, the uncontrollable tears, the see-saw between self-confidence and self-doubt. I remember texting him because I was too scared to pick up the phone but I just wanted to know that he cared. And any attention was better than no attention. I remember praying and begging the Universe for this man that I love so much to pay attention to me. I remember waking up and first thing thinking about him. I remember thinking about this man 1000+ times a day. I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I would never be in his arms again or see him smile or kiss him or smell him. And I remember being devastated and practically paralyzed thinking that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed with him and continued on that on-again, off-again roller coaster of emotions that gave me constant heartburn.
Men are so quick to say how they are different than women, yet why do they expect us to deal with things the way they do? When we love someone so much and we’re faced with the thought of losing them or staying with them and things being awful forever, it destroys us. We cry. We yell. We beg and plead and make bargains and do what it takes to keep them. We lose ourselves. We lose all common sense and we lose the ability to think rationally. We stop talking to our friends because we’re sick and tired of hearing them bad mouth this man we love and we’re sick of talking about it because we’re sick of hearing ourselves talk about it. We make excuses for our men because we love them so much and to bad talk them makes us look like we have poor judgment.
And then we reach a point where we just shut down. We do whatever it takes to get through it. We refuse to talk about it because talking about it puts it in our head and if it’s in our head then we have to deal with it. And we’re not ready to deal with it yet. So we ignore it.
Sounds crazy right? We’re not. And that’s the thing. I spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me and that I’m the only person in the world who has ever acted like this. But the funny thing is, the only ones I hear calling women crazy ARE MEN. Tell your story to another woman, and she’ll more than likely cry with you. She’ll know how to get you through it because she was there at some point in her life.
So are we crazy? No. We’re just in love and we’re hurting and we’re torn and confused and we’re scared. But crazy? No.
Learning to love myself (again)
One of my friends asked me why I’m not waiting until I get my boob job done (in November) to model nude. It was kind of hard to explain to her my reasons, but the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me.
See, me getting a boob job was something that I had promised myself I’d do once I was done having babies and once I was in a position financially to pay for it. I’ve always been a petite woman. I mean, even at my “heaviest” post-pregnancy nursing weight I was only 125. My normal size is a 1 and my chest has gotten smaller after each child and weight loss. While it was an issue with me, it wasn’t serious enough to cause me any distress. After all, I’m a beautiful woman who has a lot to offer anyone in my life. Gosh that seems like a lifetime ago that I felt that way.
Today I try to avoid looking in the mirror. I can’t face the woman that I’ve become. And because I’m not happy with the woman that I am on the inside, I can’t seem to appreciate the woman that I am on the outside. I’m not going to list my faults or even the reason that I feel the way I do. All I know is that going up three bra sizes isn’t going to make a difference in how I view myself unless I fix my way of thinking.
In order to do that, I have to learn to love the woman that I am now, today. So I set up a photo shoot with an artist, posing nude, for next weekend. I look at myself nude and learn to love me, all of me. After a two week break to deal with household and family matters, I’m going back to the gym with a vengeance starting tonight. I’m still not smoking but watching what I eat so the weight that I’m gaining is healthy weight and not nasty fat. I’m keeping busy and taking care of me. I’m spending time with my friends and cleaning my house and selling things I don’t need. I’m telling myself one positive thing each day. And, I’m ashamed to say, I’m not dealing with something that I simply am not strong enough to deal with right now. That’s right. The queen of “ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away” is actually ignoring dealing with something.
I’m learning to love myself again. It’s been three days but I’m doing it, one step at a time. I feel myself grow stronger and happier with each passing day. I’m taking care of me and learning to care about how I look again. I’m starting to hold my head up high. I’m not avoiding eye contact. I smile when someone smiles at me. And maybe, in time, I’ll be in a place where I can deal with this painful thing that I’m purposely not dealing with right now.
But for now, it’s baby steps for me.
See, me getting a boob job was something that I had promised myself I’d do once I was done having babies and once I was in a position financially to pay for it. I’ve always been a petite woman. I mean, even at my “heaviest” post-pregnancy nursing weight I was only 125. My normal size is a 1 and my chest has gotten smaller after each child and weight loss. While it was an issue with me, it wasn’t serious enough to cause me any distress. After all, I’m a beautiful woman who has a lot to offer anyone in my life. Gosh that seems like a lifetime ago that I felt that way.
Today I try to avoid looking in the mirror. I can’t face the woman that I’ve become. And because I’m not happy with the woman that I am on the inside, I can’t seem to appreciate the woman that I am on the outside. I’m not going to list my faults or even the reason that I feel the way I do. All I know is that going up three bra sizes isn’t going to make a difference in how I view myself unless I fix my way of thinking.
In order to do that, I have to learn to love the woman that I am now, today. So I set up a photo shoot with an artist, posing nude, for next weekend. I look at myself nude and learn to love me, all of me. After a two week break to deal with household and family matters, I’m going back to the gym with a vengeance starting tonight. I’m still not smoking but watching what I eat so the weight that I’m gaining is healthy weight and not nasty fat. I’m keeping busy and taking care of me. I’m spending time with my friends and cleaning my house and selling things I don’t need. I’m telling myself one positive thing each day. And, I’m ashamed to say, I’m not dealing with something that I simply am not strong enough to deal with right now. That’s right. The queen of “ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away” is actually ignoring dealing with something.
I’m learning to love myself again. It’s been three days but I’m doing it, one step at a time. I feel myself grow stronger and happier with each passing day. I’m taking care of me and learning to care about how I look again. I’m starting to hold my head up high. I’m not avoiding eye contact. I smile when someone smiles at me. And maybe, in time, I’ll be in a place where I can deal with this painful thing that I’m purposely not dealing with right now.
But for now, it’s baby steps for me.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
In looking at the bright side…..
Monday night brought Chicagoland the “storm of all storms”…at least for our area. Let me start from the beginning.
Monday started off as every typical Monday does. Go to work, go to the gym, come home. I mean, sure, it was raining that morning when I got off the train and the wind was a bit stronger than normal (it turned my umbrella inside out as I was crossing the River), but it had cleared up by the time I left work. When I went to the gym the sky was looking pretty clear, and after my hour-and-a-half workout it was dark but I didn’t notice anything abnormal. So I went home and put my dinner in the oven, washed the dishes and sat down and watched Big Brother from On Demand while I was waiting for my dinner to cook. And then it got weird.
I saw a bright flash of lightning and heard thunder boom and shake the whole house. Immediately following that the lights began to dim and the oven timer went off. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my food and as soon as I shut the oven door the power went off. I’m thinking to myself…wow, I don’t usually lose power this must be a bad one.
I find a flashlight and look out my front door. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The light from my flashlight showed a tree blocking my neighbor’s front door as well as part of a tree laying in the street between our two houses. Oh my gosh. I was officially in freak-out mode. I tried calling R and couldn’t get a signal from my cell. I tried texting him and it took forever to go through. I called my neighbor’s girlfriend and told her to call him (my neighbor) cuz the tree was across his stairs. He runs over and tells me not to go in my backyard because my tree came down and pulled down my power lines. Oh my gosh. It was insane.
Finally, after an hour of trying to call ComEd, my dad calling to check on me, my ex-husband coming to see my damage, the insane storm with the hurricane winds, I laid down in bed and tried to get some sleep….only to be woken up a couple hours later by ANOTHER storm…this one with the sirens going off. I stayed in bed and said, well, if there’s tornado just kill me because I am NOT going in the basement.
Now, 5 days later, I still don’t have any electricity. ComEd informed me that I’m not a priority because the rest of my neighborhood has their power restored and, since I’m just one resident without power, I am placed last on the list. I have lost $450 worth of food. My neighbor is running an extension cord from his house to mine so that I was able to clean out the fridge and get some new food. State Farm has been amazing. My claim on my food loss is already being processed. They gave me the go-ahead to have an electrician out to install a new box without having to wait for an adjuster to come out. The adjuster is coming out tomorrow to check out my roof and the rest of the damage to my house.
It’s very frustrating not having any power, but at least now I have food in the house and am able to cook some because the stove top works as long as I light it manually. I’m able to charge my cell phone at work. Tonight, after the gym, I’m going to take my clothes to the laundromat. That should be fun…I haven’t had to do that in years! I’ve been reading books in bed using a flashlight, and lots of candles are keeping the house smelling nice, as well as giving some light. I think the worst part of it all is that I’m incredibly lonely without my kids. They’ve been with their dad the whole week since he has power and I don’t know exactly what damage the house has sustained. But that’s ok. It could be worse. The best part? I’m still not smoking!
Monday started off as every typical Monday does. Go to work, go to the gym, come home. I mean, sure, it was raining that morning when I got off the train and the wind was a bit stronger than normal (it turned my umbrella inside out as I was crossing the River), but it had cleared up by the time I left work. When I went to the gym the sky was looking pretty clear, and after my hour-and-a-half workout it was dark but I didn’t notice anything abnormal. So I went home and put my dinner in the oven, washed the dishes and sat down and watched Big Brother from On Demand while I was waiting for my dinner to cook. And then it got weird.
I saw a bright flash of lightning and heard thunder boom and shake the whole house. Immediately following that the lights began to dim and the oven timer went off. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my food and as soon as I shut the oven door the power went off. I’m thinking to myself…wow, I don’t usually lose power this must be a bad one.
I find a flashlight and look out my front door. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The light from my flashlight showed a tree blocking my neighbor’s front door as well as part of a tree laying in the street between our two houses. Oh my gosh. I was officially in freak-out mode. I tried calling R and couldn’t get a signal from my cell. I tried texting him and it took forever to go through. I called my neighbor’s girlfriend and told her to call him (my neighbor) cuz the tree was across his stairs. He runs over and tells me not to go in my backyard because my tree came down and pulled down my power lines. Oh my gosh. It was insane.
Finally, after an hour of trying to call ComEd, my dad calling to check on me, my ex-husband coming to see my damage, the insane storm with the hurricane winds, I laid down in bed and tried to get some sleep….only to be woken up a couple hours later by ANOTHER storm…this one with the sirens going off. I stayed in bed and said, well, if there’s tornado just kill me because I am NOT going in the basement.
Now, 5 days later, I still don’t have any electricity. ComEd informed me that I’m not a priority because the rest of my neighborhood has their power restored and, since I’m just one resident without power, I am placed last on the list. I have lost $450 worth of food. My neighbor is running an extension cord from his house to mine so that I was able to clean out the fridge and get some new food. State Farm has been amazing. My claim on my food loss is already being processed. They gave me the go-ahead to have an electrician out to install a new box without having to wait for an adjuster to come out. The adjuster is coming out tomorrow to check out my roof and the rest of the damage to my house.
It’s very frustrating not having any power, but at least now I have food in the house and am able to cook some because the stove top works as long as I light it manually. I’m able to charge my cell phone at work. Tonight, after the gym, I’m going to take my clothes to the laundromat. That should be fun…I haven’t had to do that in years! I’ve been reading books in bed using a flashlight, and lots of candles are keeping the house smelling nice, as well as giving some light. I think the worst part of it all is that I’m incredibly lonely without my kids. They’ve been with their dad the whole week since he has power and I don’t know exactly what damage the house has sustained. But that’s ok. It could be worse. The best part? I’m still not smoking!
How true...
I came across this in my Reader today. It seems fitting.
"A wise and understanding heart does not repay a hurt with a hurt. In doing so, the heart is diminished. Fissures form. Love leaks out. Every pain given in return for one received, changes the contents of the heart. It is no longer defined by love, wisdom and understanding. It is redefined by the bearers of hurt and hate, pain and prejudice, meanness and madness, sorrow and sadness. You give away control of your very own heart. The despair of being hurt is healed by overcoming it, not clinging to the hurt and inflicting more of it on the world.
When darkness is added to darkness, no one can see, no one can love. Everyone loses. Love is not always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it's the integrity we hold on to when we're tempted to strike back. Sometimes it's the honor that keeps us from exchanging the valuable contents of our heart for the harsh satisfaction of lashing back. No, the way of love is not always easy, but when night falls, dawn is assured. The integrity and honor of a wise and understanding heart, rises with the sun of a new day. Living in love and loving life."
Author: careycary
"A wise and understanding heart does not repay a hurt with a hurt. In doing so, the heart is diminished. Fissures form. Love leaks out. Every pain given in return for one received, changes the contents of the heart. It is no longer defined by love, wisdom and understanding. It is redefined by the bearers of hurt and hate, pain and prejudice, meanness and madness, sorrow and sadness. You give away control of your very own heart. The despair of being hurt is healed by overcoming it, not clinging to the hurt and inflicting more of it on the world.
When darkness is added to darkness, no one can see, no one can love. Everyone loses. Love is not always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it's the integrity we hold on to when we're tempted to strike back. Sometimes it's the honor that keeps us from exchanging the valuable contents of our heart for the harsh satisfaction of lashing back. No, the way of love is not always easy, but when night falls, dawn is assured. The integrity and honor of a wise and understanding heart, rises with the sun of a new day. Living in love and loving life."
Author: careycary
Thursday, August 7, 2008
A week unlike any other…but I have achieved stardom!!
I could write about how shitty a week I’ve been having, what with the hurricane winds that knocked out the power in my town, the lightning that struck my tree which branches from said tree fell on my power lines which said power lines pulled out of my house….causing me to remain powerless going into day 4…while the rest of my town is almost finished with the clean up. Or I could talk about how the hundreds of dollars of food….now that I’m eating healthier and more since I’ve been working out and quit smoking….is more than likely going to go bad unless power is restored soon or my next door neighbor takes pity on me and runs an extension cord from my refrigerator to his house. Or I could talk about how much I miss my kids since they’ve been staying with their dad since they own a generator and were in good shape. Or I could talk about….well, I don’t want to talk about that.
I could talk about all these annoying, frustrating or heartbreaking things that my week has consisted of, but instead I prefer to talk about the humor that was just injected into my day.
My daughter called me to tell me she was coming home to take a shower since her dad’s bathroom is getting redone and they shut off the water. No biggie I say. Just DON’T OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR OR FREEZER!!! Being a typical teenager, or perhaps just being her mother’s daughter, she starts complaining about how this no power thing is getting old, she wants to come home, she wants her own bed, she wants the computer, she wants good food, etc…. I told her there’s a ton of food downstairs that I think she can cook on the stovetop that wouldn’t require her to go into the fridge, just go take a look. She sees some beefaroni or ravioli or something and then calls to tell me she can’t get the burner lit. Oops!!! I forgot to tell her the ignitor switch is electric and she has to find the candle lighter and light it manually.
Well, she calls me back again to tell me how happy she is that at least she gets to eat something better than a sandwich and thank’s Mom for letting me know it was there to eat.
Ha ha, so I’m telling one of my bosses that C is happy now because she’s eating, and he said “Well, I am happy because C is happy. It just made my day.” So I told him...I don’t know why she thinks she can be so difficult….now, if you know me, especially you, R, are you cracking up yet?.....and what does my boss say to me? Gee, Jenn, I don’t know why your daughter would be so difficult, I mean, could it be because she’s your daughter? Well, I just had to tell him….look, I never made any secret about me being a difficult woman, but I’ve earned that right. And he said to me….difficult? You’re beyond difficult, you’re high maintenance. Yes, dear reader, I have achieved stardom. Something that R found out in the very beginning and that I have already known has just been affirmed. I am high maintenance. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way ;-)
I could talk about all these annoying, frustrating or heartbreaking things that my week has consisted of, but instead I prefer to talk about the humor that was just injected into my day.
My daughter called me to tell me she was coming home to take a shower since her dad’s bathroom is getting redone and they shut off the water. No biggie I say. Just DON’T OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR OR FREEZER!!! Being a typical teenager, or perhaps just being her mother’s daughter, she starts complaining about how this no power thing is getting old, she wants to come home, she wants her own bed, she wants the computer, she wants good food, etc…. I told her there’s a ton of food downstairs that I think she can cook on the stovetop that wouldn’t require her to go into the fridge, just go take a look. She sees some beefaroni or ravioli or something and then calls to tell me she can’t get the burner lit. Oops!!! I forgot to tell her the ignitor switch is electric and she has to find the candle lighter and light it manually.
Well, she calls me back again to tell me how happy she is that at least she gets to eat something better than a sandwich and thank’s Mom for letting me know it was there to eat.
Ha ha, so I’m telling one of my bosses that C is happy now because she’s eating, and he said “Well, I am happy because C is happy. It just made my day.” So I told him...I don’t know why she thinks she can be so difficult….now, if you know me, especially you, R, are you cracking up yet?.....and what does my boss say to me? Gee, Jenn, I don’t know why your daughter would be so difficult, I mean, could it be because she’s your daughter? Well, I just had to tell him….look, I never made any secret about me being a difficult woman, but I’ve earned that right. And he said to me….difficult? You’re beyond difficult, you’re high maintenance. Yes, dear reader, I have achieved stardom. Something that R found out in the very beginning and that I have already known has just been affirmed. I am high maintenance. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way ;-)
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