My emotions are my downfall

Carla and I had lunch today and she got upset because I made a choice to be nice to someone who isn’t. Dan and I discussed it and while he’s not mad at me for it, he certainly doesn’t understand. I just got off the phone with Cathy and she also thinks I’m making a mistake.

Honestly, people just don’t get me. And there are times when I don’t get myself. This actually kind of ties in to my previous blog in that I can’t be mean to someone purposely. Oh, sure, there are times when I have taken so much that I snap and then I say things that I immediately regret. And then I feel bad for hurting the other person and of course I start to cry. Because that’s what I do. Cry that is. It is impossible for me to plan in advance to do something to a person when I know that if I do it, no matter what it is (i.e. stick up for myself, walk away from them, etc…), it will cause them pain. No. I can’t cause another pain. Oh, how ironic it is that they have no problem causing me pain. They can take my heart and rip it out of my chest and squeeze it into a million pieces and then throw the pieces on the ground and stomp on them with their foot and grind them into the concrete…ok, so yea, I’m a little bit of a drama queen….My point is, people treat me like crap because they know damn good and well that I’m not going to do anything about it. Shit, I’m so emotional that I actually make excuses for the way they treat me and then apologize to them for hurting them so badly that they treat me hatefully. Can you believe that? Sometimes I wonder just what kind of an idiot I am.

I’m so emotional and kind-hearted that when someone treats me so horrifically I don’t get even with them. I don’t yell at them. I don’t call the police on them. No. What do I do? I disown them. That’s right. Take this woman for example. She has had nothing but contempt for me since the day I was born. She spent 18 years torturing me and then the next however many she spent trying to sabotage me. Finally I had enough. I made it known that I am not an 18-year-old jobless thug anymore. I am a woman. A very strong, independent woman who makes a whole lot of money. And I am certainly not afraid of her. And then I disowned her. Yes. Yes I did. But of course, me being me, I feel bad for disowning her because of the affect that it will have on other people. I mean, no more “happy gatherings”. No more “family” dinners. There won’t even be birthday parties or holidays where she and I will be together.

Then there’s this guy. I finally, basically, for the most part, cut him out of my life. It was necessary. Really, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. But I had to find some dignity, and I certainly didn’t have very much, and say goodbye. And life went on. My kids see that I’m happy. My friends love me. And Dan is awesome, of course. But here’s this guy who I left who probably can’t believe that I really did it. Shoot, some days I have trouble believing that I really did it. But I did. Anyway, I think realty is just now beginning to set in for him that I’m gone and I’m not coming back. And I think that really hurts him. And because he is really hurt, he’s lashing out. Having a temper tantrum I guess you could say. But do I get mad at him? No. Do I fight back with him? No. What do I say to him instead? I’m worried about you. I care about you. Let me try to help you. As I’m sitting here typing this, my eyes are actually tearing up because I know he is hurting. Don’t get me wrong, dear reader, I am not going back. I have moved on with my life and I am happy with the way things are going. But I spent a long time with this man, and honestly, even if I hadn’t spent a significant amount of time with him, even if he were just a stranger to me, I would still feel his pain. But because I know him, his pain is my pain.

My emotions are my downfall. I feel so much empathy for others that oftentimes I don’t take care of myself. I worry so much about how other’s feel that usually I don’t do things to stick up for myself just so they won’t be hurt. Those who love me get frustrated with me because of this, but they would never use that to their advantage. Others who have claimed to love me have no problem using my loving nature as a weapon against me to con me or manipulate me or stab me in the back (or in the heart). Even I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for people who are suffering the consequences for their nastiness.

I’m not going to change. I’m still going feel for others. I’m still going to cry over silly stuff. I’m still going to put others before myself. But I’m going to surround myself with those who won’t take advantage of that. I’m going to surround myself with those who are my balance. And that way maybe when I’m too soft to stick up for myself, I’ll have a bunch of people guiding me into doing what needs to be done.