Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Why it’s important to have a life
I’m a Sagittarius who is fortunate enough to have Taurus as her Rising Sign. What this means is that I’m a gypsy at heart, I suffer from intense pangs of wanderlust, I’m impulsive and I’m flighty. It also means that I’m grounded, I’m stable, I place great importance on my home and family (friends), and I’m loyal. Quite the contradictions, but as it should be, it keeps me balanced.
I’ve discovered that idle time is wasted time. And wasted time is time that could get a person in trouble. I’ve also confirmed, through my many studies of Neo-Paganism, something that I’ve always known: be careful of the energy that you put out there…including your thoughts…because it’s going to come back on you 3-fold.
Saturday I was blessed to spend the day with someone dear to my heart. It was the first time in a long that that we were able to be together. I wanted to go to the Occult Bookstore and asked if he wanted to come with me. So we rode the train downtown, jumped on the El and went to the Bookstore. Well, as typical when I go there, I had a moment, and simply did not want the day to end. And, also very typical of me, I was starving ;-). We took El back downtown, couldn’t figure out where we wanted to eat, so we jumped on a different El. I got it in my head that I HAD to find an Irish Pub…and he knew of the perfect one. It was like coming home. I didn’t want to leave. When we finally left, it was to walk some more, talk some more, laugh some more and go to another bookstore. The day was long but amazing. It’s a day of memories that I will treasure for some time.
How does this tie into getting a life? It’s simple. Because I was out living my life, I had my phone in my purse and was missing a lot of calls and texts. Because I was out living my life, I missed a lot of drama that people kept trying to suck me into. Because I was out living my life, I was enjoying myself, my mind was clear and I wasn’t worrying about stupid petty things. Because I was out living my life, I was happy. Now I’m not saying that a person has to spend each and every moment of the day wandering around the City. I’m not saying shirk your responsibilities to be happy. The benefit I have to having a successful career is that I am fortunate enough to be able to afford to live in a lifestyle that I enjoy. If I were irresponsible, I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do (this is where being part Taurus comes in).
It's so important to have a life because if you don't you're going to be unhappy. And people who are unhappy try to make others unhappy as well. My ex-boyfriend was accused of cheating on me over a year ago. Did it happen? I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Do I care if it happened? No. I really don’t. Not anymore. See, I spent a long time punishing him for something that I don’t even know if he did or not. All I have is his word against hers. And, being a paralegal, I know that anybody can twist words to suit their own purpose. The funny thing is, some people still care. Some people are so miserable with their own pathetic lonely lives that they have nothing better to do than send anonymous emails dredging up past drama. Hence, my reasoning in saying that it's very important to have a life.
Learn a lesson from the Wiccans….”An Ye Harm None, Do as Ye Will.” I’m grateful that I am one who tries her best to live in a way that exemplifies the words that I say…If you give love, you shall receive it. I’m sorry R that you were punished by me for so long. If you didn’t do it, I don’t care. If you did do it, I still don’t care. The past is the past. I’m over it. And you know what I always say about negative energy…
I’ve discovered that idle time is wasted time. And wasted time is time that could get a person in trouble. I’ve also confirmed, through my many studies of Neo-Paganism, something that I’ve always known: be careful of the energy that you put out there…including your thoughts…because it’s going to come back on you 3-fold.
Saturday I was blessed to spend the day with someone dear to my heart. It was the first time in a long that that we were able to be together. I wanted to go to the Occult Bookstore and asked if he wanted to come with me. So we rode the train downtown, jumped on the El and went to the Bookstore. Well, as typical when I go there, I had a moment, and simply did not want the day to end. And, also very typical of me, I was starving ;-). We took El back downtown, couldn’t figure out where we wanted to eat, so we jumped on a different El. I got it in my head that I HAD to find an Irish Pub…and he knew of the perfect one. It was like coming home. I didn’t want to leave. When we finally left, it was to walk some more, talk some more, laugh some more and go to another bookstore. The day was long but amazing. It’s a day of memories that I will treasure for some time.
How does this tie into getting a life? It’s simple. Because I was out living my life, I had my phone in my purse and was missing a lot of calls and texts. Because I was out living my life, I missed a lot of drama that people kept trying to suck me into. Because I was out living my life, I was enjoying myself, my mind was clear and I wasn’t worrying about stupid petty things. Because I was out living my life, I was happy. Now I’m not saying that a person has to spend each and every moment of the day wandering around the City. I’m not saying shirk your responsibilities to be happy. The benefit I have to having a successful career is that I am fortunate enough to be able to afford to live in a lifestyle that I enjoy. If I were irresponsible, I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do (this is where being part Taurus comes in).
It's so important to have a life because if you don't you're going to be unhappy. And people who are unhappy try to make others unhappy as well. My ex-boyfriend was accused of cheating on me over a year ago. Did it happen? I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Do I care if it happened? No. I really don’t. Not anymore. See, I spent a long time punishing him for something that I don’t even know if he did or not. All I have is his word against hers. And, being a paralegal, I know that anybody can twist words to suit their own purpose. The funny thing is, some people still care. Some people are so miserable with their own pathetic lonely lives that they have nothing better to do than send anonymous emails dredging up past drama. Hence, my reasoning in saying that it's very important to have a life.
Learn a lesson from the Wiccans….”An Ye Harm None, Do as Ye Will.” I’m grateful that I am one who tries her best to live in a way that exemplifies the words that I say…If you give love, you shall receive it. I’m sorry R that you were punished by me for so long. If you didn’t do it, I don’t care. If you did do it, I still don’t care. The past is the past. I’m over it. And you know what I always say about negative energy…
Friday, January 11, 2008
Mamma Mia….
Oh men. You drive us crazy sometimes. You think you know what we want, but haven’t you figured out by now that we are creatures of contradictions? Let me lay it on out there for you who may be misinformed…
Oh yes, we love our bad boys. They make our blood flow and make us feel like a woman. But the fact remains, they’re fun to play around with and usually not good long term material. Forgive me for being candid.
The truth is, when we think long term settling down, we don’t want the bad boy. We want the man who shows us he loves us. We want the man who isn’t afraid to show that he has a sensitive side. We want the man we can depend on. We want the man who will wrap his arms around us and make the world disappear. We want the man who doesn’t understand why we cry for no reason, but accepts it and does silly stuff to make us laugh. We want the man who isn’t afraid to let the world know that he loves us. I’m not saying we want the chump who caters to our every whim or the sap who gets all googly-eyed 24/7. But we certainly don’t want the arrogant shallow asshole who thinks only of himself and tells you to get in where you fit in.
A smart man, a real man, know how to achieve this balance between being a bad boy and being a sensitive man. A real man knows how to treat a woman, and for your information it isn’t by criticizing her or putting her down. It isn’t by telling her that you know it makes her hot when you’re an asshole. That, my friend, is why your real woman will leave your ass for a real man. A real man knows that his woman is to be treasured and appreciated.
So really, you think you know what women want? Think again.
Oh yes, we love our bad boys. They make our blood flow and make us feel like a woman. But the fact remains, they’re fun to play around with and usually not good long term material. Forgive me for being candid.
The truth is, when we think long term settling down, we don’t want the bad boy. We want the man who shows us he loves us. We want the man who isn’t afraid to show that he has a sensitive side. We want the man we can depend on. We want the man who will wrap his arms around us and make the world disappear. We want the man who doesn’t understand why we cry for no reason, but accepts it and does silly stuff to make us laugh. We want the man who isn’t afraid to let the world know that he loves us. I’m not saying we want the chump who caters to our every whim or the sap who gets all googly-eyed 24/7. But we certainly don’t want the arrogant shallow asshole who thinks only of himself and tells you to get in where you fit in.
A smart man, a real man, know how to achieve this balance between being a bad boy and being a sensitive man. A real man knows how to treat a woman, and for your information it isn’t by criticizing her or putting her down. It isn’t by telling her that you know it makes her hot when you’re an asshole. That, my friend, is why your real woman will leave your ass for a real man. A real man knows that his woman is to be treasured and appreciated.
So really, you think you know what women want? Think again.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
My emotions are my downfall
Carla and I had lunch today and she got upset because I made a choice to be nice to someone who isn’t. Dan and I discussed it and while he’s not mad at me for it, he certainly doesn’t understand. I just got off the phone with Cathy and she also thinks I’m making a mistake.
Honestly, people just don’t get me. And there are times when I don’t get myself. This actually kind of ties in to my previous blog in that I can’t be mean to someone purposely. Oh, sure, there are times when I have taken so much that I snap and then I say things that I immediately regret. And then I feel bad for hurting the other person and of course I start to cry. Because that’s what I do. Cry that is. It is impossible for me to plan in advance to do something to a person when I know that if I do it, no matter what it is (i.e. stick up for myself, walk away from them, etc…), it will cause them pain. No. I can’t cause another pain. Oh, how ironic it is that they have no problem causing me pain. They can take my heart and rip it out of my chest and squeeze it into a million pieces and then throw the pieces on the ground and stomp on them with their foot and grind them into the concrete…ok, so yea, I’m a little bit of a drama queen….My point is, people treat me like crap because they know damn good and well that I’m not going to do anything about it. Shit, I’m so emotional that I actually make excuses for the way they treat me and then apologize to them for hurting them so badly that they treat me hatefully. Can you believe that? Sometimes I wonder just what kind of an idiot I am.
I’m so emotional and kind-hearted that when someone treats me so horrifically I don’t get even with them. I don’t yell at them. I don’t call the police on them. No. What do I do? I disown them. That’s right. Take this woman for example. She has had nothing but contempt for me since the day I was born. She spent 18 years torturing me and then the next however many she spent trying to sabotage me. Finally I had enough. I made it known that I am not an 18-year-old jobless thug anymore. I am a woman. A very strong, independent woman who makes a whole lot of money. And I am certainly not afraid of her. And then I disowned her. Yes. Yes I did. But of course, me being me, I feel bad for disowning her because of the affect that it will have on other people. I mean, no more “happy gatherings”. No more “family” dinners. There won’t even be birthday parties or holidays where she and I will be together.
Then there’s this guy. I finally, basically, for the most part, cut him out of my life. It was necessary. Really, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. But I had to find some dignity, and I certainly didn’t have very much, and say goodbye. And life went on. My kids see that I’m happy. My friends love me. And Dan is awesome, of course. But here’s this guy who I left who probably can’t believe that I really did it. Shoot, some days I have trouble believing that I really did it. But I did. Anyway, I think realty is just now beginning to set in for him that I’m gone and I’m not coming back. And I think that really hurts him. And because he is really hurt, he’s lashing out. Having a temper tantrum I guess you could say. But do I get mad at him? No. Do I fight back with him? No. What do I say to him instead? I’m worried about you. I care about you. Let me try to help you. As I’m sitting here typing this, my eyes are actually tearing up because I know he is hurting. Don’t get me wrong, dear reader, I am not going back. I have moved on with my life and I am happy with the way things are going. But I spent a long time with this man, and honestly, even if I hadn’t spent a significant amount of time with him, even if he were just a stranger to me, I would still feel his pain. But because I know him, his pain is my pain.
My emotions are my downfall. I feel so much empathy for others that oftentimes I don’t take care of myself. I worry so much about how other’s feel that usually I don’t do things to stick up for myself just so they won’t be hurt. Those who love me get frustrated with me because of this, but they would never use that to their advantage. Others who have claimed to love me have no problem using my loving nature as a weapon against me to con me or manipulate me or stab me in the back (or in the heart). Even I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for people who are suffering the consequences for their nastiness.
I’m not going to change. I’m still going feel for others. I’m still going to cry over silly stuff. I’m still going to put others before myself. But I’m going to surround myself with those who won’t take advantage of that. I’m going to surround myself with those who are my balance. And that way maybe when I’m too soft to stick up for myself, I’ll have a bunch of people guiding me into doing what needs to be done.
Honestly, people just don’t get me. And there are times when I don’t get myself. This actually kind of ties in to my previous blog in that I can’t be mean to someone purposely. Oh, sure, there are times when I have taken so much that I snap and then I say things that I immediately regret. And then I feel bad for hurting the other person and of course I start to cry. Because that’s what I do. Cry that is. It is impossible for me to plan in advance to do something to a person when I know that if I do it, no matter what it is (i.e. stick up for myself, walk away from them, etc…), it will cause them pain. No. I can’t cause another pain. Oh, how ironic it is that they have no problem causing me pain. They can take my heart and rip it out of my chest and squeeze it into a million pieces and then throw the pieces on the ground and stomp on them with their foot and grind them into the concrete…ok, so yea, I’m a little bit of a drama queen….My point is, people treat me like crap because they know damn good and well that I’m not going to do anything about it. Shit, I’m so emotional that I actually make excuses for the way they treat me and then apologize to them for hurting them so badly that they treat me hatefully. Can you believe that? Sometimes I wonder just what kind of an idiot I am.
I’m so emotional and kind-hearted that when someone treats me so horrifically I don’t get even with them. I don’t yell at them. I don’t call the police on them. No. What do I do? I disown them. That’s right. Take this woman for example. She has had nothing but contempt for me since the day I was born. She spent 18 years torturing me and then the next however many she spent trying to sabotage me. Finally I had enough. I made it known that I am not an 18-year-old jobless thug anymore. I am a woman. A very strong, independent woman who makes a whole lot of money. And I am certainly not afraid of her. And then I disowned her. Yes. Yes I did. But of course, me being me, I feel bad for disowning her because of the affect that it will have on other people. I mean, no more “happy gatherings”. No more “family” dinners. There won’t even be birthday parties or holidays where she and I will be together.
Then there’s this guy. I finally, basically, for the most part, cut him out of my life. It was necessary. Really, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. But I had to find some dignity, and I certainly didn’t have very much, and say goodbye. And life went on. My kids see that I’m happy. My friends love me. And Dan is awesome, of course. But here’s this guy who I left who probably can’t believe that I really did it. Shoot, some days I have trouble believing that I really did it. But I did. Anyway, I think realty is just now beginning to set in for him that I’m gone and I’m not coming back. And I think that really hurts him. And because he is really hurt, he’s lashing out. Having a temper tantrum I guess you could say. But do I get mad at him? No. Do I fight back with him? No. What do I say to him instead? I’m worried about you. I care about you. Let me try to help you. As I’m sitting here typing this, my eyes are actually tearing up because I know he is hurting. Don’t get me wrong, dear reader, I am not going back. I have moved on with my life and I am happy with the way things are going. But I spent a long time with this man, and honestly, even if I hadn’t spent a significant amount of time with him, even if he were just a stranger to me, I would still feel his pain. But because I know him, his pain is my pain.
My emotions are my downfall. I feel so much empathy for others that oftentimes I don’t take care of myself. I worry so much about how other’s feel that usually I don’t do things to stick up for myself just so they won’t be hurt. Those who love me get frustrated with me because of this, but they would never use that to their advantage. Others who have claimed to love me have no problem using my loving nature as a weapon against me to con me or manipulate me or stab me in the back (or in the heart). Even I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for people who are suffering the consequences for their nastiness.
I’m not going to change. I’m still going feel for others. I’m still going to cry over silly stuff. I’m still going to put others before myself. But I’m going to surround myself with those who won’t take advantage of that. I’m going to surround myself with those who are my balance. And that way maybe when I’m too soft to stick up for myself, I’ll have a bunch of people guiding me into doing what needs to be done.
I wonder why
It’s been said, by those who know me well, that I am too nice for my own good. It’s been said, by those who know me well, that if they were me certain people would have had faced the consequences of their actions long before now. I wonder why we are the way that we are.
I asked my Dad the other day if I was adopted. There is no one in my family that is as soft-hearted and forgiving as me. As a matter of fact, two of the members of my family are quite selfish and vindictive. Me, on the other hand, well I just take it and take it and take it. I forgive and I forgive and I forgive. Only to have someone else do something to attempt to destroy me.
I have a friend who is so much like me we could be cloned. She dated a man for about a year and a half who ended up being very cruel. She stayed with him anyway. There were times when she would break up with him, but she always went crawling back to him. He would say and do things to her to make her self esteem low. He would flirt with other women, compare her to other women, make her beg for him to spend time with her, cheated on her, convinced his family and friends that he was innocent and she was a nut case – the list could go on and on of the abuse she suffered. One day something snapped in her head and she woke up and said enough. She left him. And this time she stayed away. She ended up meeting another man who is so good to her. She’s cautious, but happy. Now her ex is bothering her. He sends her hateful text messages. Over and over again. He threatens her reputation. He calls her names. She should stop talking to him but she feels sad for him. She still cares about his feelings. She doesn’t want him to hurt. She knows he isn’t always a cruel man. She knows he’s hurting and is lashing out because the relationship is over. But she’s standing her ground and not giving in. Her friends keep telling her to get a restraining order. She doesn’t want to do that. Today I told her to change her number. I don’t understand myself why she isn’t harder on him. Why she doesn’t get mad at him. Why she keeps making excuses for him the way she always did. But I can’t blame her for doing what she feels is the right thing to do. I hope, for her sake and sanity, that changing her number works. She has a new guy now and she’s happy. She deserves to be happy.
So why are we the way that we are? Why is it so easy for some people to be mean and not think twice about it? Why is it so easy for some people, like my girlfriend and me, to take so much crap from people and still care about their feelings? I think maybe it’s because the Universe needs balance. For all evil there is good. For all sad there is happiness. For all dark there is light. For all cold there is warmth. I don’t plan on changing from being who I am. I like who I am. I’m proud of who I am. Just as I’m certain that those who aren’t me are proud of who they are.
But still, on days like today, I often wonder why.
I asked my Dad the other day if I was adopted. There is no one in my family that is as soft-hearted and forgiving as me. As a matter of fact, two of the members of my family are quite selfish and vindictive. Me, on the other hand, well I just take it and take it and take it. I forgive and I forgive and I forgive. Only to have someone else do something to attempt to destroy me.
I have a friend who is so much like me we could be cloned. She dated a man for about a year and a half who ended up being very cruel. She stayed with him anyway. There were times when she would break up with him, but she always went crawling back to him. He would say and do things to her to make her self esteem low. He would flirt with other women, compare her to other women, make her beg for him to spend time with her, cheated on her, convinced his family and friends that he was innocent and she was a nut case – the list could go on and on of the abuse she suffered. One day something snapped in her head and she woke up and said enough. She left him. And this time she stayed away. She ended up meeting another man who is so good to her. She’s cautious, but happy. Now her ex is bothering her. He sends her hateful text messages. Over and over again. He threatens her reputation. He calls her names. She should stop talking to him but she feels sad for him. She still cares about his feelings. She doesn’t want him to hurt. She knows he isn’t always a cruel man. She knows he’s hurting and is lashing out because the relationship is over. But she’s standing her ground and not giving in. Her friends keep telling her to get a restraining order. She doesn’t want to do that. Today I told her to change her number. I don’t understand myself why she isn’t harder on him. Why she doesn’t get mad at him. Why she keeps making excuses for him the way she always did. But I can’t blame her for doing what she feels is the right thing to do. I hope, for her sake and sanity, that changing her number works. She has a new guy now and she’s happy. She deserves to be happy.
So why are we the way that we are? Why is it so easy for some people to be mean and not think twice about it? Why is it so easy for some people, like my girlfriend and me, to take so much crap from people and still care about their feelings? I think maybe it’s because the Universe needs balance. For all evil there is good. For all sad there is happiness. For all dark there is light. For all cold there is warmth. I don’t plan on changing from being who I am. I like who I am. I’m proud of who I am. Just as I’m certain that those who aren’t me are proud of who they are.
But still, on days like today, I often wonder why.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Fear or Love
I was in a religious discussion tonight and someone said to me that if all that holds a person is fear, eventually you will overcome your fear. But true love lasts forever. That got me thinking....
It's been said that fear is the flip side of the coin of love. Is that true? If it is, is that why people stay in abusive relationships with the excuse of "but I love him"? Could it be true that they really didn't love him but were, in fact, afraid of him? Or afraid of being alone? Or afraid of starting over? Or afraid of their life changing? Or afraid of the unknown?
And does true love really last forever? Haven't we all loved someone in the past and then it died? Does that mean that it wasn't true love? Couldn't it be possible that it was true love and time and circumstances made it so that the love died?
Hmmmm...food for thought I guess.
It's been said that fear is the flip side of the coin of love. Is that true? If it is, is that why people stay in abusive relationships with the excuse of "but I love him"? Could it be true that they really didn't love him but were, in fact, afraid of him? Or afraid of being alone? Or afraid of starting over? Or afraid of their life changing? Or afraid of the unknown?
And does true love really last forever? Haven't we all loved someone in the past and then it died? Does that mean that it wasn't true love? Couldn't it be possible that it was true love and time and circumstances made it so that the love died?
Hmmmm...food for thought I guess.
hello happiness
Life changes fast...I've always said that. One year ago I couldn't have imagined what I would have gone through. I couldn't have imagined that I'd be where I am today. When you think something can't happen to you, it does. But enough of the toxic talk.
Today life is great. My children are happy again. I am happy again. I have all my friends back. I've cut the negative people out of my life. I've reconnected with a fabulous man...and who woulda thunk it....my freshman year boyfriend...my skater boy that I was crushin on madstyle....turned out to be the man who makes my smile even bigger. It's funny how life works. A month ago I was in such despair that I didn't know how to get out of it. Life was coming at me from all angles. My friends were so frustrated with seeing me cry, not seeing me smile. All it took was one simple pros and cons list for me to find the strength to leave. Damn but I wish he had done it sooner. Then I'd have been happy a long time ago.
My head may still be a little messed up. I have a lot of unbrainwashing that needs to be done. But the weight that I carried around in my chest, in my stomach, in my heart...is gone. I feel free. I laugh. I smile. I jump up and down. I'm friendly again. My heart is whole, not shattered like it was. I'm silly and funny and beautiful again.
Believe it or not, I wouldn't change the past year for anything. Oh god did it suck. I was miserably unhappy for 11 months. But I learned a lot about myself and life. I did some more growing up. I learned about love. I learned how to love. And I learned how not to love. And now I'm happy.
So to those of you who were in my life this past year, thanks for the lessons, thanks for the memories, thanks for the pain, thanks for the strength. Thanks to my friends for loving me and pulling me out. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for being MY inspirations. Thanks to my kids for loving me. Thanks to my grandma and my dad. And thanks to that certain man who adores his darling princess.
Today life is great. My children are happy again. I am happy again. I have all my friends back. I've cut the negative people out of my life. I've reconnected with a fabulous man...and who woulda thunk it....my freshman year boyfriend...my skater boy that I was crushin on madstyle....turned out to be the man who makes my smile even bigger. It's funny how life works. A month ago I was in such despair that I didn't know how to get out of it. Life was coming at me from all angles. My friends were so frustrated with seeing me cry, not seeing me smile. All it took was one simple pros and cons list for me to find the strength to leave. Damn but I wish he had done it sooner. Then I'd have been happy a long time ago.
My head may still be a little messed up. I have a lot of unbrainwashing that needs to be done. But the weight that I carried around in my chest, in my stomach, in my heart...is gone. I feel free. I laugh. I smile. I jump up and down. I'm friendly again. My heart is whole, not shattered like it was. I'm silly and funny and beautiful again.
Believe it or not, I wouldn't change the past year for anything. Oh god did it suck. I was miserably unhappy for 11 months. But I learned a lot about myself and life. I did some more growing up. I learned about love. I learned how to love. And I learned how not to love. And now I'm happy.
So to those of you who were in my life this past year, thanks for the lessons, thanks for the memories, thanks for the pain, thanks for the strength. Thanks to my friends for loving me and pulling me out. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for being MY inspirations. Thanks to my kids for loving me. Thanks to my grandma and my dad. And thanks to that certain man who adores his darling princess.
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