Repairing the Damaged Files

How does something so beautiful turn so ugly? How can a simple disagreement turn into attacks on character and cruel low blows?

It's like when your network crashes. The files may be saved, but they could be damaged. If you don't go in and manually repair each file, one by one, a corrupt file could pop up down the road, causing more frustration because it wasn't fixed when the crash happened.

The Things We Take for Granted

This morning it was rainy and nasty as usual, so when I came out of the train station I came out underground. There was a woman sitting there on the sidewalk asking everyone who walked by to help her get something to eat. As I walked up the stairs to come above ground, there was a man standing there with a cup singing Jesus Loves Me. As I walked on the bridge to cross the Chicago River, there was a man sitting there with a cup; the same man who I see every morning. I think back to all the times I averted my gaze, all the times I rolled up my car window, all the times I pretended my mp3 was up too loud and I couldn't hear them, couldn't see them, dirty and hungry.

And then I think about my brother, and the choice he made in the past. I think about the man I've seen at the train station, sitting on the stairs. I think about the times I've given him food and the tears in his eyes as he thanked me and said "God bless you." I think about years ago when I was so poor I had to work 3 deadend jobs, two at restaurants just so I can eat.

At any given moment, I could become like them. At any given moment, all of my blessings could be taken away from me. So my basement floods, at least I have a basement. So my car got broken into, at least I have a car. So the server messed up my order, at least I was able to eat. I complain that my man doesn't love me enough, that my children don't behave, that my shoes hurt my feet. At least God blessed me with those things. At least I'm not alone in this world, hungry dirty and cold, wondering where my next meal is going to come from and if I'm going to make it through the night.

the brainwashing that goes on

I'm a Christian, and I never hide that fact. It's the church that I've become discontented with. I stopped attending church on a regular basis several years ago because of the hypocrocies that I found there.

Lately I've been seeking God. Reading the Bible, praying consistently and putting my faith in Him. Today the kids and I went to a new church, the place where a friend of mine is a member. The people were friendly, warm and welcoming. The pastors' prayers were a bit specific, but I'm always specific when I pray, too. The hymns were beautiful, and I truly felt that the Holy Spirit was there.

And then the sermon began. He started off in Ephesians, talking about the armor of God and spiritual warfare. Okay by me, I've studied that passage in the past, even learned about it in Sunday School as a teenager. Then he moved to Acts to a passage that talked about men driving out demons in the name of Jesus and what happened to them. I was struggling to follow along, and then the pastor made his point which was that if you don't know God, if you attempt to speak of Him it will all be empty. Okay, good point that hit home in a sense. It was downhill from there.

The pastor started preaching about the Harry Potter books. From there he went on to talk about the movie Titanic. He touched on George Lucas' films. He touched on our government, our public school systems, movies, music, etc. His point? They are all evil and brainwashing us to go closer to the antichrist. This man said that in our future there will be mental illness, murders and suicides, and they will all point back to the Harry Potter books. He preached against movies, said they are brainwashing us. This man touched on every subject I can think about, with his message being that all these places and things are brainwashing us.

As I was sitting there in disbelief, I had to whisper to my teenage daughter not to believe a word that came out of this man's mouth. I began to pray that God would shelter my daughter and I against the poison this man was spewing. I was so uncomfortable, I wanted to get out of my seat and leave. I wanted to stand up and ask him "why aren't you preaching of God's love and forgiveness, of how to trust the Lord in all that we do?"

I met with the pastor after the service. He seems to be a nice man. I believe he genuinely believed all that he was saying.

The sad thing, in my opinion, is that this man preached that all these things are brainwashing us, yet that's exactly what he was doing.

I wonder

I sit on our swing and hear the leaves rustle in the wind.

I feel the breeze touch my face and I get a chill.

I close my eyes and I see your handsome face.

I take a breath and remember your scent.

I remember how it feels to be in your arms, hearing the sound of your breathing and the feel of your bare chest on my cheek.

I wonder if you're thinking of me.

I wonder if you're sad, too.

I wonder if you miss me.

I wonder if our love will pull us through this time, and bring us together stronger than ever.

A tale of the "nice" thief, and the man who loves me

As you know, I take the train downtown. I drive to Chicago, only to get on the train and take it the rest of the way in. I rarely park in the Metra lot because it's a pain to get out of, I hate paying for parking, and it gets all muddy when it rains. Even though it's a bad neighborhood, I park on a side street, along with many other people.

Yesterday, I came back to my car, only to find my window smashed and my stereo missing. Of course, I did what any woman in my position would do, and I started to cry. Then I called the police. Not like I expected them to do anything, but I had to get a report on file. Of course I didn't have a pen with me to write down the number. After I got off the phone with the police, I called Randy. In case it isn't totally obvious, he and I are going through a VERY rough time right now. However, he's always been my rock, and I could only think of calling him. He's always made it better. The sound of his voice always comforts me. Anyway, I'm crying and was so distraught that I couldn't figure out what to do next. He managed to (somewhat) calm me down enough to get me to call my insurance company. So I get off the phone with him, and I call the insurance company to find out what to do. I tell you, State Farm is worth all the money I've paid them over the years, because they were able to give me a number to a 24 hour glass place. While I was on the phone with the glass place, Randy pulled up. My sweet man, in my moment of need, no matter what is going on between us, stopped what he was doing and drove to Chicago to be with me. No matter what doubts I have that he loves me, how angry he is with me or me with him, he came to me when I needed him. That tells me right there that he loves me still. So he gets me home, gets the kids for me, and gets me calmed down.

This morning as we're driving in to work, I was thinking about my car. I had my favorite My Chem cd in the stereo, and the thief kindly left it on my seat. They didn't take any of my cd's, and I had a whole bunch of them in the car. They left Tristan's car seat, which as you know isn't cheap. They left my $350 designer sunglasses in the car. They only broke the rear smaller window instead of breaking out all the glass. I had a half a cup of coffee sitting in the cupholder, and instead of spilling it all over my car, they set in on the floorboard so it wouldn't spill. They could have stolen my car, and instead they left it for me. While I still feel completely violated, it could have been a lot worse. I'm grateful that they didn't do more damage, I'm grateful that Randy loves me still and didn't leave me alone to deal with this, and I'm grateful that the kids and I weren't near the car when it happened.

I hope Randy can forgive me for what I put him through this past year, and I hope that whoever stole my stereo needed the money more than I needed the stereo.

Life of Confusion

Lost and alone
Is how I feel
All these thoughts in my head
I don't know what's real
I feel so confused
And I don't know where I fit in
This feeling of helplessness
I just want it to end
I used to be calm
I was always so secure
Now my thoughts are so jumbled
And all I feel is fear
I don't know how I go on
Day after day
I feel so alone
I can't even pray
I look in the mirror
And I don't like what I see
What have I become?
Is this really me?
Why did I change?
And can I ever go back?
I don't know what to do
Why can't I relax?
I'm constantly on edge.
My nerves are wound so tight.
One minute at a time -
I'm just trying to do what's right.
I want to run away.
I want to break free.
I'm searching for something.
I'm trying to find me.
I need some help,
And I need it now.
I need to find some peace,
But I don't know how.
Help me God.
I'm begging You please.
Help me find what I've lost
And set my mind at ease.
Show me how to fix
The damage to my heart.
I need You to help me
Before I fall apart.
I don't know who I am
Or who I want to be
All I really know
Is that I want to be happy.
But I don't know how to get there
Or what it's going to take.
But something has to change soon
Because I feel like I'm going to break.
I go through the motions
And put on my game face
I pretend to be happy
But I can't find my place.
I feel so alone
Like I don't really belong.
This self-inflicted isolation -
Is it because I'm so headstrong?
Whatever the reason,
I can't go on this way.
This life has to get better.
Maybe it's time I tried to pray.

03-23-2004

An Anguished Wife's Prayer

I cry out to You in agony -
Please God speak to me.
I don't know what to do.
Which direction should I choose?
Please Father help me decide.
Hold my hand and be my Guide.
I thought he was the man for me,
I believed that from the start.
But why am I finding it so hard
To love him with all my heart?
He's the father of my children;
The man I pledged to love.
But lately that's been hard to do
And so I look for guidance from above.
Forgive me Father,
I know I've sinned.
I used to be so strong
Oh why did I have to bend?
My friendships have suffered,
My childred are sad.
And the damage to my marriage
Is pretty bad.
I'm hurting inside
And I know he is too.
Please God help me love him
The way You want me to.
My mind is so confused;
I don't know who I am anymore.
Sometimes all I want to do
Is run out the door.
Run away from it all
Forget about the stress.
I need some clarity in my thoughts
So I can do what's best.
I'm tired of the fighting.
Sick of feeling alone.
He pays me no attention,
But yells when I'm on the phone.
I can never make him happy.
I can never turn him on.
So is it any wonder
That I'm always gone?
The cruel words that he says
Makes me feel very small,
And part of me wants to say
Forget about it all.
But I've never been a quitter
And I don't want to give up without a fight.
So I'm asking You now, Lord
Please show me what is right.
I'm asking You for patience
And for wisdom, too.
It's with desparation in my heart
That I once again turn to You.
Give me guidance, Father
And help me to stay strong.
I just need to know
Where do I belong?

02/24/2004