I read this blog today and it brought tears to my eyes. See, I recognized myself in this woman, but unlike her, whenever someone tried to tell me about it, I tuned them out. Because of it, I turned my prince into a frog, and he looks at me like I’m a vampire.
I grew up learning the lesson of “everyone you love will leave you, so leave them first”. Oh and I learned that lesson well. We can delve into my psyche and say that I had abandonment issues because my parents got divorced or my mom kicked me out or whatever, but as an adult I have to say that what began as a defense mechanism while I was young has turned into I’m just a fucking bitch now that I’m older.
I had my prince. He was the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and regardless of what has happened between us, he is still the most amazing man I’ve met. All he wanted to do was love me, and that scared the hell out of me. So I pushed him away. Literally. I didn’t want anything from him. I would tell him regularly that I chose to be with him, and basically that he wasn’t shit and he should be honored that I was with him. Oh I was a bitch. I’ll even go so far as to say I was THE “C” WORD to this man. Want to talk about damage? I damaged this man. I would complain about someone I know who would emasculate her man, but I was doing the same thing to my man. Can I blame him for having had enough and turning the tides on me?
The awakening that I had wasn’t like a slap in the head, it was more of a gradual realization of the way that I treat men. Funny, I’ve never had a problem attracting a man. But when we’re done, I’ve usually ended up hurting them so badly that they hate me. I ran into one of my exes a couple weeks ago at the bar. We were sitting there talking and he was telling me all about his girlfriend and what’s going on in his life, and during a pause in the conversation, I looked at him and said “I’m sorry for what I put you through”. A little while later he came up to me and said “for what it’s worth, thank you for apologizing”. I think that was when this self-realization of what a man-hater I had become really started.
Look, life doesn’t have to be this way. I am still in love with my ex, unconditionally. We’ve hurt each other so badly and so much damage has been done to us, by us, that I have no idea if we can even get past it. To be honest, part of me wants to and the other part of me is too afraid to. Because if I have to stop being a man-hater, and I have to start embracing my femininity, then that means that I’m giving up some control and leaving things to the Universe. And that scares the hell out of me. But I can’t go on punishing men because my parents got divorced. I can’t go pushing them away trying to make them leave me just so I can say AHA. I don’t always have to be right and I don’t always have to have the last word (and oh gawd is that a HUGE thing for me).
And so, for me, the journey begins today.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Song of the Day - Human (The Killers)
I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes
Clear your heart...
Cut the cord
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
You got to let me know
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human
Or are we dancer?
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Are we human
Or are we dancer?
Questions running through my mind…randomized
1. Why is it that when a woman tells a man how she feels, he accuses her of being psycho? Do they think that will stop us from telling them how we feel? Or does it make them feel better to attack our mental health when we call them on the carpet for something?
2. Why is it that when a homeless person asks you for money so they can buy food, and you tell them you don’t have any money but you’ll gladly share your food with them, they ask you what kind of food you have and if it’s something they don’t like they turn it down? If someone is starving, wouldn’t they be grateful for any type of nourishment they can get?
3. Why is it that people get on an uncrowded elevator, push the button for one of the top floors, and then stand in the middle by the front? Why can’t they move to the back if their stop is last? Or why can’t they get off the elevator so the people needing to get off don’t miss their floor? And why do they look at you like you’re crazy when you say excuse me please?
4. How can someone love another so deeply and then decide that they give up and don’t want to work on repairing whatever part of the relationship needs repaired? Does that mean that they never loved the person to begin with? Don’t relationships take work no matter how much the people love each other?
5. Why would a woman say to a man “I love you with my head”? Does that mean that she doesn’t love him with her heart? Is it possible to love someone with your head and not your heart?
6. Why do men shower a woman with compliments and attention and affection, and then she sleeps with him and he tells her he just wants to be friends or ignores her? Don’t men realize that if they’re honest with a woman and tell them beforehand what they want, they’re more likely to reap better benefits?
7. Why are women so catty to each other? Why do we compete with each other? Why can’t we respect the sisterhood? Why do we say we respect other women but then in the next breath say something demeaning about another woman?
8. Why is there no happy medium when it comes to sexuality? Why is it that people are either completely repressed, or completely flamboyant and deviant? Can’t people just have a healthy sex life without being creepy about it?
9. Why do people try to put a time limit on healing from a broken heart? How can they sit there and say that someone should be over it by now and dating someone else?
10. Why are we the cruelest to the people that we love? Don’t we understand that criticism and mean words and indifference hurts those we love more than anything else?
2. Why is it that when a homeless person asks you for money so they can buy food, and you tell them you don’t have any money but you’ll gladly share your food with them, they ask you what kind of food you have and if it’s something they don’t like they turn it down? If someone is starving, wouldn’t they be grateful for any type of nourishment they can get?
3. Why is it that people get on an uncrowded elevator, push the button for one of the top floors, and then stand in the middle by the front? Why can’t they move to the back if their stop is last? Or why can’t they get off the elevator so the people needing to get off don’t miss their floor? And why do they look at you like you’re crazy when you say excuse me please?
4. How can someone love another so deeply and then decide that they give up and don’t want to work on repairing whatever part of the relationship needs repaired? Does that mean that they never loved the person to begin with? Don’t relationships take work no matter how much the people love each other?
5. Why would a woman say to a man “I love you with my head”? Does that mean that she doesn’t love him with her heart? Is it possible to love someone with your head and not your heart?
6. Why do men shower a woman with compliments and attention and affection, and then she sleeps with him and he tells her he just wants to be friends or ignores her? Don’t men realize that if they’re honest with a woman and tell them beforehand what they want, they’re more likely to reap better benefits?
7. Why are women so catty to each other? Why do we compete with each other? Why can’t we respect the sisterhood? Why do we say we respect other women but then in the next breath say something demeaning about another woman?
8. Why is there no happy medium when it comes to sexuality? Why is it that people are either completely repressed, or completely flamboyant and deviant? Can’t people just have a healthy sex life without being creepy about it?
9. Why do people try to put a time limit on healing from a broken heart? How can they sit there and say that someone should be over it by now and dating someone else?
10. Why are we the cruelest to the people that we love? Don’t we understand that criticism and mean words and indifference hurts those we love more than anything else?
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
and Nickelback does it again....
Will this one have meaning for us too?
Gotta Be Someobody
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
We'll play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with
`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
You can´t give up!
When you're lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.
Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.
Gotta Be Someobody
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
We'll play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with
`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
You can´t give up!
When you're lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.
Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A little bit of everything…including my “why I’m afraid to date” rant
It’s funny how since The Breakup I’ve been keeping myself insanely busy. At first it was because I had stopped doing the things I wanted to do, and when I suddenly found myself with a whole bunch of free time, I went a bit buck-wild. After the first couple weeks the numbness wore off and I continued to stay busy in order to not think of Him or feel the pain. We’ve been broken up for two months, and tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of when I sold my soul to the devil, and as I sit here reflecting on the different feelings I have regarding the situation, I think it’s time I stop running and just deal with it.
After two months of out of sight, I spent the other night with Him. Foolish? No. I think it was what I needed to do. Of course, ask any one of my boys (and a couple of my gf’s) and they will say I’m an idiot. But who listens to them anyway…I’m a stubborn Irish lass with a mind of her own! Sometimes I sit back and take note of all the things going on in my life right now, and I realize I’m not the same woman who fell in love with Him. The other night made me realize…Christ almighty…I can let Him go. We don’t work. And it’s not because we don’t want to work. Of course we love one another. Of course we feel comfortable with one another. Of course we have amazing, err, conversations with one another. But Him and I, we come from different worlds. So in my own gentle way, I told him goodbye yesterday.
But oh goodness I really don’t want to date. I mean, I DO want to date, but I honestly hate the process. It’s fun getting to know a person, but what sucks is weeding out the losers. Sucks sucks sucks. I know I am a difficult person to be in a relationship with. I mean, I seriously am so full of contradictions that it will take a VERY strong man to be with me. For instance…..I’m a tree hugging do-gooder liberal feminist. I’m also a label whore. I model nude. I love shoes and shopping. I like to wear wild eyeshadow colors. I don't have a specific genre of dress because I like to wear everything...and nothing. Sometimes I want to hit the bars, sometimes I want to stay home. I love football. I love to cook. I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Wiccan…I take a little bit from everything and apply it to my life…essentially I’m the creator of my own spiritual path. I read Tarot cards. I shop at the Christian bookstore and at the Occult Bookstore. I love all things Celtic. I want to travel. I want to be rich. I don’t pay too much attention to politics, but damn you if you’re going to tell me what to do to my body or with my life I’ll fight you to the death. I’m loyal…get it…I DON’T CHEAT. But if you cheat on me, or are suspected of cheating on me, or are accused of cheating on me….I’ll never forgive you…or forget. I’m emotional always and rarely logical or rational. I live my life based on my feelings or emotions or intuition. I truly march to the beat of my own drum. And most men can’t handle me. They fall in love with my vivacious personality and my free spirit, and then they get insecure and try to control me.
So why am I afraid to date? Because I lead with my heart. I want to be jaded and have up my defenses and guards and walls, but it goes against my nature so I can’t. And I just don’t want to get hurt or have my spirit crushed. I don’t want someone to say fuck you to me or call me a cunt or laugh at me because I say I’m going to take ballet lessons. I don’t want someone to criticize me or manipulate me into feeling insecure or look at me like I’m stupid because I don’t understand the economy or really care to. When I say I want to pay off my debt and retire to Ireland and grow/raise my own food, I don’t want to be laughed at. Encourage me. Support me. I don’t care if you agree with me, just don’t try and crush my dreams because they don’t coincide with yours.
And for those reasons…I believe that I will stay single for a very very long time. I have my boys. I have my girlfriends. I have my kids. I have my hobbies and my career and my own money and, honestly, if I want sex, well….as my girlfriend said to me…I’m a grown woman and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do what I want….
It’s my life…ya know? This is me…this is who I am….and as I embrace myself…I say fuck you if you don’t like me…you don’t need to be in my life.
After two months of out of sight, I spent the other night with Him. Foolish? No. I think it was what I needed to do. Of course, ask any one of my boys (and a couple of my gf’s) and they will say I’m an idiot. But who listens to them anyway…I’m a stubborn Irish lass with a mind of her own! Sometimes I sit back and take note of all the things going on in my life right now, and I realize I’m not the same woman who fell in love with Him. The other night made me realize…Christ almighty…I can let Him go. We don’t work. And it’s not because we don’t want to work. Of course we love one another. Of course we feel comfortable with one another. Of course we have amazing, err, conversations with one another. But Him and I, we come from different worlds. So in my own gentle way, I told him goodbye yesterday.
But oh goodness I really don’t want to date. I mean, I DO want to date, but I honestly hate the process. It’s fun getting to know a person, but what sucks is weeding out the losers. Sucks sucks sucks. I know I am a difficult person to be in a relationship with. I mean, I seriously am so full of contradictions that it will take a VERY strong man to be with me. For instance…..I’m a tree hugging do-gooder liberal feminist. I’m also a label whore. I model nude. I love shoes and shopping. I like to wear wild eyeshadow colors. I don't have a specific genre of dress because I like to wear everything...and nothing. Sometimes I want to hit the bars, sometimes I want to stay home. I love football. I love to cook. I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Wiccan…I take a little bit from everything and apply it to my life…essentially I’m the creator of my own spiritual path. I read Tarot cards. I shop at the Christian bookstore and at the Occult Bookstore. I love all things Celtic. I want to travel. I want to be rich. I don’t pay too much attention to politics, but damn you if you’re going to tell me what to do to my body or with my life I’ll fight you to the death. I’m loyal…get it…I DON’T CHEAT. But if you cheat on me, or are suspected of cheating on me, or are accused of cheating on me….I’ll never forgive you…or forget. I’m emotional always and rarely logical or rational. I live my life based on my feelings or emotions or intuition. I truly march to the beat of my own drum. And most men can’t handle me. They fall in love with my vivacious personality and my free spirit, and then they get insecure and try to control me.
So why am I afraid to date? Because I lead with my heart. I want to be jaded and have up my defenses and guards and walls, but it goes against my nature so I can’t. And I just don’t want to get hurt or have my spirit crushed. I don’t want someone to say fuck you to me or call me a cunt or laugh at me because I say I’m going to take ballet lessons. I don’t want someone to criticize me or manipulate me into feeling insecure or look at me like I’m stupid because I don’t understand the economy or really care to. When I say I want to pay off my debt and retire to Ireland and grow/raise my own food, I don’t want to be laughed at. Encourage me. Support me. I don’t care if you agree with me, just don’t try and crush my dreams because they don’t coincide with yours.
And for those reasons…I believe that I will stay single for a very very long time. I have my boys. I have my girlfriends. I have my kids. I have my hobbies and my career and my own money and, honestly, if I want sex, well….as my girlfriend said to me…I’m a grown woman and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do what I want….
It’s my life…ya know? This is me…this is who I am….and as I embrace myself…I say fuck you if you don’t like me…you don’t need to be in my life.
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