I lost my friend today.....

Looking back I can see that she really was a good friend to me. The only reason I ever doubted her was because someone would make sure to badmouth her, make sure to plant seeds of doubt about her motives. Looking back I can see that she is the one who gave me encouragement. She is the one who called to make sure I’m ok. She is the one who gave me strength to continue on. Finally he got to us. Finally he tore apart our friendship in the best possible way. Finally, he became everything that he accused her of being.

I’m sorry Vicki. I’m sorry I doubted your intentions. I’m sorry I questioned our friendship. I make no excuses, I was a fool and blinded by him. I wish you nothing but the best in your life and with your love. Cherish it, treasure it, value it. Believe in yourself and don't let anyone try to lead you astray.

I could....

I could say I'm angry but I'm not. I could say I'm hurt but I'm not. I could say my heart is broken but it's not. To tell the truth, I've been waiting for this day to come. Fooling myself into believing that we are meant to be together was just a way to not feel the pain. My girlfriend told me that I have to walk through the fire, and it's going to hurt, but once I got through it I would look back and wonder what took me so long. What I didn't realize was that I was already in the fire. It would come and go. There would be brief moments when he would come back, of course to get what he wanted from me, only to leave again...leaving me wounded and doubting. I can't blame him because a person will only do what you allow them to do. And I allowed it. But never again.

I can actually say I'm glad it's over. The wondering, the worrying, the crying, the despair that I felt. I won't go so far as to say that I'm numb, but whatever feelings I still have for him are buried deep within, hopefully never to come out. I've ended my friendship with his cousin because he even had to blog about that. I don't peruse his websites because quite frankly I don't care. I've removed every indication that he was a part of our lives for as long as he was. I would say that I'm sorry that I ever met him, but at least he taught me to feel. I realize that I don't have to be that cold jaded bitch that I was before I met him. I also realize that he is quite undeserving of my love.

It's been a rough ride, but all things considered I've come out of it a better person. My friends were so worried about me, not understanding that I had to go through this, everything happened exactly as they were supposed to happen.

I won't go as far as to say that I won't still have periods of grief, that I won't be touched with a pain of missing him, because it probably will happen. You can't love someone the way that I love him and be numb when it ends. I still have feelings, I still love him. But loving him and giving him my love are two very different things. I know that the pain won't be as great now. I know that I won't be unable to breathe. I know that I can hold my head up and smile. I know that life has already started to get better. And I know that, no matter what he thinks of me, I am a good person who deserves far better than what he gave me these past couple months.

I could say I'm sorry it happened, but I'm not. I could thank him for everything, but I won't. I could say I'm still waiting for him, but I'm not.

I could say I'm going to live my life now, and that I will do.

My new favorite song....Apologize by Timbaland

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

One day at a time

Finally I'm starting to feel more like myself. Cass was out last night doing her thing, so it was just Tristan and me watching t.v. for most of the night. I created another myspace profile and it's nice to talk to my friends again. Harmless flirting with those that have known and loved me forever is something that is helping me bounce back. I didn't do any cleaning or cooking yesterday, but today is a new day. One thing I have managed to accomplish is to stay on top of my laundry, so that's a good thing. I've got a lot of men asking me out on dates, but I'm not ready to go down that road yet. I'm just going to stick with my friends....Friday a play if we can get tickets, Saturday Mexican and margaritas with Chris, and Sunday hopefully the Packers if I can tear Curt away from his many women to hang with me....I've been studying more and more and am anxious to get to this bookstore Saturday morning. I'm certain that I'll find what I'm seeking once I get there. And that's about it. Another boring day in my life, but at least I'm alive and well to speak about it.

my destiny is clear now

I've felt a stirring in my blood for quite some time now. Oh, I dabbled in it when I was younger, but I wasn't focused enough to pursue it. I know it's in my blood, I can feel it in my blood, and the more I read the more I know for certain. It comes from my Irish heritage, passed down from generation to generation....no one in my family, at least that I have heard of, acknowledging it, practicing it, embracing it. Until now.

I went to the library today, hoping to learn more. Hoping, I suppose, to find the path that would lead me to what I know is in me. And did I go to the WRONG place. First I went to the metaphysical section. The one book that the library owned on the subject had been stolen. Or rather, as the librarian put it, just disappeared. Next I went to the religion section. My thinking? It's one of the oldest "religions" that there is, predating Christ, there HAD to be books on it. Not a one. There were plenty of books on Christianity, Judaism, the books of the bible individually bound, etc....although I did notice there weren't any books on the Muslim religion either....and not a one on what I wanted, no, what I needed to see.

The path that I'm on will lead me to it. I guess you could say I started this path on August 4, the day that my ex left me and the day I cried out for healing. The Universe heard me, and here I am. And while living in suburban America, with a church on every corner, isn't going to make this easy for me, I can already sense where I need to go. And I will. I believe I had to be ready in my heart first. I had to be filled with love in order to easily embrace what I am to learn next.

But you can be sure that I won't be trying the library anytime soon....

Apologize....

Currently listening to...