I was laying in bed last night, struggling to respond with love to some text messages full of anger and hate. I continued to respond with love, until I felt myself growing angry and wanting to lash out, so I said goodnight, I love you and I’m not doing this anymore. I’ve said several times before that I’m on a journey seeking love. I’ve said that if you give love then you will receive it. I’ve come to realize that just because you are seeking love does not mean that your feelings of anger or hurt will magically disappear. You won’t see things through rose colored glasses. You will still want to say angry words. You will still want to hurt back because you are being hurt. But if you are truly seeking love, if you truly believe that if you give love then you will receive love, then your actions will show that. No one is perfect. There are times when I have spoken too quickly words that were not loving. But last night, as I was being verbally attacked, as my heart was breaking yet again by the hate that was being spewed out of this person’s mouth, I made a conscious choice to respond with love. When I found that it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so, I stopped the contact.
That’s what it’s all about. It’s how you respond to things. I could have been angry and bitter to this person in return. It wouldn’t have affected them because they already feel hatred towards me. It would have only served to affirm their opinion of me. The person it would have harmed would have been myself. I would have been angry with myself. I would have been disappointed in myself. No matter what this person believes to be true of me or not, I know what’s true. I don’t have to prove myself to this person. I know I have love. I know my intentions are pure. If this person wants to continue to think the worst of me, that is their right to do so. I will simply continue to do what I’ve been doing all along….to give love to myself and to others.
If you give love, you will receive love.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Fortune of the Day
Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.
And my lucky numbers are.....15, 11, 37, 46, 5, and 5.
Imagine that....15 and 5.
And my lucky numbers are.....15, 11, 37, 46, 5, and 5.
Imagine that....15 and 5.
Love is.....(List of the Day)
Love is….trying to figure out what makes you love him like you do.
I was talking to my coworker this morning and she was asking me how I was doing, if I had talked to My Love, how the kids are, etc. I began to tell her how I am and what I’ve been up to. She asked if I’m over him yet and I told her no, and I won’t be nor do I want to be. There must have been something in my eyes that made her stop and look. She said “he must really be something.” Yes, he really is.
With that conversation fresh in my mind, I went to lunch. As I was reading the SunTimes, I skipped to the comic section. It was there that I saw the inspiration for this blog. Have you ever read the “Love is…” cartoon? I don’t see it as often as I used to, but today’s really got me thinking.
There are so many reasons why I love him. So many wonderful qualities that he has. So many things he has shown me, opened my eyes to and opened my heart to.
1. The way he always had faith. The beginning of our relationship was hard. It was long distance because he was living in Columbus and working in Pittsburgh. There were so many times that I had no idea how it would work between us. The man just about pushed himself into the ground by driving to Chicago every weekend, many times going on only a couple of hours of sleep, just to spend a few hours with me. He always told me to hang on, we’ll get through this, and life will be magical. And it really was.
2. He was there when I needed him. I was faced with some pretty scary medical test results and had to get a biopsy done. I already had tickets to fly to Pittsburgh the day after my biopsy, so it wasn’t like he could just come in for the weekend instead of me going to him. I couldn’t find anyone to drive me to my biopsy, at least anyone I wanted to let in on that particular aspect of my life. I got an email from him telling me that he was leaving work early that day (a Wednesday) and would be on a later flight to Chicago that evening. He would take me for my biopsy and we would fly to Pittsburgh together on Friday.
3. The way he changed his thinking about marriage. I didn’t want a big wedding. The wedding had nothing to do with it. It was being his wife that I always longed for. It’s what I still long for. When we met, we were both hell bent on never wanting to be married. A month later, we were talking about going to Vegas and getting married.
4. The way he hung in there when outside influences threatened our love. He knew going into this with me that not only do I have two kids, but I have an ex-husband and ex-in-laws and ex-boyfriends and this and that. Life with me was never easy for him. But he hung in there, never giving up.
5. The way his smile lights up his face. I’m a woman who is easily amused, easily excitable. Sometimes I’m like a little kid in that the simplest thing can make me happy. He would get such joy out of seeing me happy and would get this amazing smile, the kind that made his eyes shine with joy.
6. The way he loved me. I have never been loved the way he loved me. I have a photograph, a very random shot taken by my daughter, of me standing on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek in a silly way. The look on his face, with his eyes closed and the smile he had, was nothing less than pure love.
7. The way he encouraged me. He was my cheerleader. He knew what I was capable of and encouraged me to go for it. I was scared. There were so many things that I thought stood in my way….I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve it, I won’t be able to handle it, etc. Against my own head I followed his advice. And he was right. I am good enough. I do deserve it. And I am handling it, with much ease.
8. His creativity. This man is a genius. He has so much talent. There were times when it seemed like everything he touched turned to gold. I have two collections of photographs that he’s done on my bedroom wall. All numbers taken in black and white. The way he put them together, the subjects of the photographs themselves, I have never seen anything like it.
9. His intelligence. He knows a little bit about everything. Often times I feel stupid next to him because I’m always asking him what does this mean, what does that mean? He never put me down for my lack of knowledge in the same subjects as him and he always took the time to explain things to me so that I understood them.
10. The things he taught me. I don’t know where to start. The most important thing he taught me is to feel my feelings. It probably drives him crazy now because I AM so in touch with my feelings. Before I met him, I led a basically shallow life. Oh sure, I had my kids and my friends, and they were (and are) very close to me. But I never allowed myself to feel anything for a man other than a token affection. This man taught me to love him with the depths of my soul. He taught me to trust someone other than myself. He taught me that love is a good thing, a beautiful thing. He taught me to laugh, truly laugh. He taught me not to be afraid to express my love. He taught me to take a chance. He taught me not to give up. He taught me to have faith. He taught me how to share my life with another. He taught me how to step outside my comfort zone and alter my plans for the future. He taught me how to live. He taught me the meaning of soul mate.
It’s because of him that I have faith in our love. It’s because of him that I won’t give up. I may take a step back so that he can go through the trials that he has to go through, but I will never stop loving him. When he comes back to me, I will welcome him with open arms. When he comes back, I will love him as I’ve never loved another. Life can be difficult, and we may not always understand the why’s or the how’s, but one thing I will always understand, one thing I will always know, is that giving up on our love is not an option.
I love you, my sweet man.
I was talking to my coworker this morning and she was asking me how I was doing, if I had talked to My Love, how the kids are, etc. I began to tell her how I am and what I’ve been up to. She asked if I’m over him yet and I told her no, and I won’t be nor do I want to be. There must have been something in my eyes that made her stop and look. She said “he must really be something.” Yes, he really is.
With that conversation fresh in my mind, I went to lunch. As I was reading the SunTimes, I skipped to the comic section. It was there that I saw the inspiration for this blog. Have you ever read the “Love is…” cartoon? I don’t see it as often as I used to, but today’s really got me thinking.
There are so many reasons why I love him. So many wonderful qualities that he has. So many things he has shown me, opened my eyes to and opened my heart to.
1. The way he always had faith. The beginning of our relationship was hard. It was long distance because he was living in Columbus and working in Pittsburgh. There were so many times that I had no idea how it would work between us. The man just about pushed himself into the ground by driving to Chicago every weekend, many times going on only a couple of hours of sleep, just to spend a few hours with me. He always told me to hang on, we’ll get through this, and life will be magical. And it really was.
2. He was there when I needed him. I was faced with some pretty scary medical test results and had to get a biopsy done. I already had tickets to fly to Pittsburgh the day after my biopsy, so it wasn’t like he could just come in for the weekend instead of me going to him. I couldn’t find anyone to drive me to my biopsy, at least anyone I wanted to let in on that particular aspect of my life. I got an email from him telling me that he was leaving work early that day (a Wednesday) and would be on a later flight to Chicago that evening. He would take me for my biopsy and we would fly to Pittsburgh together on Friday.
3. The way he changed his thinking about marriage. I didn’t want a big wedding. The wedding had nothing to do with it. It was being his wife that I always longed for. It’s what I still long for. When we met, we were both hell bent on never wanting to be married. A month later, we were talking about going to Vegas and getting married.
4. The way he hung in there when outside influences threatened our love. He knew going into this with me that not only do I have two kids, but I have an ex-husband and ex-in-laws and ex-boyfriends and this and that. Life with me was never easy for him. But he hung in there, never giving up.
5. The way his smile lights up his face. I’m a woman who is easily amused, easily excitable. Sometimes I’m like a little kid in that the simplest thing can make me happy. He would get such joy out of seeing me happy and would get this amazing smile, the kind that made his eyes shine with joy.
6. The way he loved me. I have never been loved the way he loved me. I have a photograph, a very random shot taken by my daughter, of me standing on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek in a silly way. The look on his face, with his eyes closed and the smile he had, was nothing less than pure love.
7. The way he encouraged me. He was my cheerleader. He knew what I was capable of and encouraged me to go for it. I was scared. There were so many things that I thought stood in my way….I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve it, I won’t be able to handle it, etc. Against my own head I followed his advice. And he was right. I am good enough. I do deserve it. And I am handling it, with much ease.
8. His creativity. This man is a genius. He has so much talent. There were times when it seemed like everything he touched turned to gold. I have two collections of photographs that he’s done on my bedroom wall. All numbers taken in black and white. The way he put them together, the subjects of the photographs themselves, I have never seen anything like it.
9. His intelligence. He knows a little bit about everything. Often times I feel stupid next to him because I’m always asking him what does this mean, what does that mean? He never put me down for my lack of knowledge in the same subjects as him and he always took the time to explain things to me so that I understood them.
10. The things he taught me. I don’t know where to start. The most important thing he taught me is to feel my feelings. It probably drives him crazy now because I AM so in touch with my feelings. Before I met him, I led a basically shallow life. Oh sure, I had my kids and my friends, and they were (and are) very close to me. But I never allowed myself to feel anything for a man other than a token affection. This man taught me to love him with the depths of my soul. He taught me to trust someone other than myself. He taught me that love is a good thing, a beautiful thing. He taught me to laugh, truly laugh. He taught me not to be afraid to express my love. He taught me to take a chance. He taught me not to give up. He taught me to have faith. He taught me how to share my life with another. He taught me how to step outside my comfort zone and alter my plans for the future. He taught me how to live. He taught me the meaning of soul mate.
It’s because of him that I have faith in our love. It’s because of him that I won’t give up. I may take a step back so that he can go through the trials that he has to go through, but I will never stop loving him. When he comes back to me, I will welcome him with open arms. When he comes back, I will love him as I’ve never loved another. Life can be difficult, and we may not always understand the why’s or the how’s, but one thing I will always understand, one thing I will always know, is that giving up on our love is not an option.
I love you, my sweet man.
Love is the Answer
I’ve been saying it, promoting it, and living it. If you give love, you will receive love. Two of my girlfriends and myself have all found ourselves in similar positions. We separated from the ones that we love. The love relationships that we made a part of our worlds have become broken, and with it, our hearts and our souls. We began the journey, alone but together in spirit, of reaching deep in ourselves and relying on the love that we found within.
I saw one of my girlfriends over the weekend. Gone was the woman who was broken the last time I saw her. In its place was a woman whose face was full of smile. Her eyes could light up the whole room. She had made the decision to love herself, and good things happened. The love that she had for herself was contagious. So contagious, in fact, that it brought Her Love right back into her arms, right were he belongs.
I got a phone call from my other girlfriend last night. I’ve watched her lately as she went from a woman broken into pieces because she lost Her Love to a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. A woman who thought her life was over but found her strength. A woman who began to love herself. She called to tell me that Her Love came back to her. He didn’t bring the ring, but he brought his love and his desire for marriage and a family with her.
Where does that leave me? I’m still here, on this path of love. I’ve found my love deep within. I’ve been faced with circumstances lately that would have caused me to lash out and behave in an evil vindictive manner. But that was before I knew love. Now, I just cry. And remain firm. And always honest. Always sure. And always with love, love for myself and love for others. My Love hasn’t come back to me, but that’s ok. He’s on his own journey right now. I will continue to do what I’m doing, and that is to give love.
If you give love, you will receive love.
I saw one of my girlfriends over the weekend. Gone was the woman who was broken the last time I saw her. In its place was a woman whose face was full of smile. Her eyes could light up the whole room. She had made the decision to love herself, and good things happened. The love that she had for herself was contagious. So contagious, in fact, that it brought Her Love right back into her arms, right were he belongs.
I got a phone call from my other girlfriend last night. I’ve watched her lately as she went from a woman broken into pieces because she lost Her Love to a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. A woman who thought her life was over but found her strength. A woman who began to love herself. She called to tell me that Her Love came back to her. He didn’t bring the ring, but he brought his love and his desire for marriage and a family with her.
Where does that leave me? I’m still here, on this path of love. I’ve found my love deep within. I’ve been faced with circumstances lately that would have caused me to lash out and behave in an evil vindictive manner. But that was before I knew love. Now, I just cry. And remain firm. And always honest. Always sure. And always with love, love for myself and love for others. My Love hasn’t come back to me, but that’s ok. He’s on his own journey right now. I will continue to do what I’m doing, and that is to give love.
If you give love, you will receive love.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
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