Moving On and Mean People Suck

The title just about says it all, huh. Moving on is scary but it was time. Mean people suck and that's all I'll really say about that.

It's amazing to have my friends again...I've missed them very much. And starting over...well, let's just say that I'm taking things VERY VERY VERY slow...but I'm happy. Yes, can you believe it? I'm actually happy.

So....time to get in the shower so we can go ice skating!

Happy 4-Day Weekend and Merry Christmas

Seeing as it is 4:30 on Friday afternoon, my brain has officially checked out of work-mode. Well, actually, it was only halfway there to begin with since I woke up this morning. Lunch was fabulous, and filling, and expensive….but well worth it! Carla and I went to Brazzaz, our “inexpensive” Brazilian steakhouse that has a lunch special ($20 as opposed to the $50 it normally would be). The food is so delicious but I always end up overeating and then when I get back to work I just want to take a nap at my desk! I think I’ll hit Starbucks on my way to the train so I have some pep when I pick up the kids. Tonight I’ll order a pizza, do a very little bit of house cleaning, and watch a movie with the kids. The next four days are going to be very busy…

Tomorrow my friend Dan and I are taking Tristan downtown to go ice skating. After that, we’ll come back home and make a gingerbread house. Now the ice skating is going to be fun. I’ll probably fall a bunch of times and I’ll end up with a lot more bruises, but it’ll be fun. The thing I’m looking forward to the most, however, is building that gingerbread house. I have never in my life made one, seen one being made, or even seen the finished product, so this is going to be a blast. I figured I’d let Tristan choose the candy that he wants to decorate it with…who cares about traditional! If we’re not too tired, we’ll bake some cookies, too. Saturday evening I’m going to take Trist to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I wish Cass would be around to hang with us, but I have to remember that she’s a teenager now and just wants to be with her friends or boyfriend.

Sunday won’t be so busy I guess. The highlight of the day is my Packers are playing the Bears and I can’t wait to watch it! Other than that, I’ll probably just finish laundry and cleaning the house.

Christmas Eve the kids and I are going to my grandparents’ house for dinner. That will be nice.

Christmas I’m going to Dan’s house and he’s going to cook dinner. Then after that we may go see I am Legend. I saw the previews for it a couple times and it looked really good.

Then back to work on Wednesday, but two out of my three attorneys will be on vacation so it won’t be a busy week at all!

Anyway, Merry Christmas to everybody!

My mind is playing tricks on me and my friends are the best

Our mind is a pretty powerful thing. And when our hearts are heavy, it’s pretty easy for our mind to start playing tricks on us. We start to question decisions that we’ve made, we start to romanticize our memories, we forget about all the bad and make the good out to be better than it actually was.

This is what happened to me last night. About a week ago, I finally ended a dead-end relationship. It took me six months to get it right, but I was able to find the courage, fueled by pain and anger, to say no more. I held on to my anger for most of the next 5 days and then the one week mark arrived. That’s when my brain started going a little, shall we say, nutty. I started to wonder if it was all a mistake. I started to convince myself that things could be fixed. I actually started to convince myself that we could be head-over-heals in love again like we used to be. Then I started getting sad and lonely and missing him. My sadness carried over into today, add that to some holiday stress and pms, and a dangerous combination was brewing.

Luckily, I came to my senses at lunch. I don’t know why I did it, somebody must have been watching out for me, but I sent a text message to the 7 people who are my support system in this break-up, and each and every one of them responded with encouraging words and reminders of what I went through the past 6 months. That stopped my tears before they fell. My heart isn’t as heavy and I know I’m going to get through this. After all, it was my choice to do it.

I had a reading done the other day, and the cards nailed it. I’m going to put myself first, stay away from the aggressor and not be afraid of the unknown. After all, I’ve taken that first step.

Sunday list of the day....things that I'm happy about...

I was driving home from the mall this morning and out of the blue I started laughing. Wow, to hear the sound of my own laughter, huh, it sounded so foreign! It's been awhile since I've been happy enough to laugh and it was a great feeling. Since I'm so happy today, I figure I'll make my list of the day about that!

1. My friends. My friends are awesome. I mean, there is no other way to put it. I distanced myself from them for pretty much the past year, but yet they never gave up on me. And here they are, keeping me encouraged and begging for the old Jenn to come back.

2. My neighbors. Really you ask? Yes. We got so much snow last night that I had to use the shovel to dig my car out. Then I couldn't get my snowblower to work so I dug a square around my car, floored it and was able to get out the driveway. When i came back home, my neighbor was out shoveling his walk. I told him I have a snowblower but I can't figure out how to start it. So he came over and started it for me and I finished clearing his sidewalks. I helped the neighbor on the other side off me, too cuz the poor kid looked frozen.

3. Money. Isn't it great to have enough money to pay your bills, buy your kids tons of Christmas presents, and still be able to go to the mall and buy some new clothes?

4. Starbucks. I must confess, I'm an addict. I can't help it - it's so yummy!!!!

5. Being free from people who drag you down. THIS IS HUGE!!!! Oh my gosh, I used to have such a bubbly outgoing personality and then I began to surround myself with people who were so negative and aggressive. Talk about a real downer. I am so relieved to be free from their oppressive nature and to be bubbly again!!!

6. Speaking of bubbly, champagne makes me happy. It's the bubbles.

ha ha, see, I told you I was back to my lovable goofy self!!! Happy Sunday people.

Myspace, Old Friends, Blue Man Group and a Blizzard

Myspace is only good for one thing and one thing only. And that, my friends, is to reconnect with old friends.

I had these tickets to Blue Man Group for tonight and had no one to go with me. I was pretty bummed because they weren't exactly cheap, but oh well. I had just decided to stay home and clean, especially since we were supposed to get 4-8 inches of snow. I was changing my call tone on my cell phone because for some reason my friends didn't like the I Hate Everything About You song that I had playing (go figure). Anyway, 10 minutes after I closed my web browser, a new voice message came through. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I only check my messages about once a week, if even that. Well, for some reason I checked this message. I am so glad I did. It was my friend Dan who I went to high school with and hadn't seen in 16 years. Yes, we hadn't seen each other since freshman year. By the way, he was my skater boy that I used to share smooches with in the park lol. Ahh, to be young again...I hope my daughter isn't reading this ha ha. Anyway, he's been on my friends list on my Myspace forever, but we hadn't talked or seen each other. As luck would have it, he was free tonight and was able to go to Blue Man Group with me. He was also starving which meant that I was able to keep my reservations at Fogo de Chao (if you're ever in Chicago, eat there...$50 a plate but worth every penny of it). He had never been to a Brazilian steakhouse before and he loved it.

Blue Man Group was just as amazing as I remembered it to be. We had great seats, in the poncho section, and in the second row from the stage. It was so much fun and I'm really really glad that I decided to use the tickets instead of staying home to clean.

As is typical of Chicago in the winter, there was already about an inch of snow on the ground when we left for downtown, but traffic was light and the roads were clear so we had no trouble getting there. We parked in a garage and just cabbed it for the night. Very convenient. Getting home was a completely different story. By the time we left, the snow was falling at least an inch and hour and the roads were terrible! What typically is a 20-30 minute drive took 1 1/2 hours! Can you believe it? 1 1/2 hours to go 20 miles. Wow. But we laughed about it.

When I was on my side streets I had a little bit of fun making the car slide. I know, what is wrong with me, right? It is so out of character for me to do something so unsafe and, well, childish! But it was fun.

It seems like the old Jenn is coming back. Yay! My friends will be happy I know because they've missed me for the past year. So to all of you who have stuck by me, listened to me cry and complain, and kept your comments to yourself as I made the same destructive choice over and over and over again....I'M BACK!!!!! And I love you all dearly. Muah!!!!!

Hello weekend, I'm so glad you're here!!!

Wow, it’s hard to believe that it’s Friday already! This weekend is going to have me running all over. Tonight I have a holiday party which I’m actually looking forward to. At first I was dreading it, I mean, newly single and all my friends will be with their guys. But I was reminded of all the judges and lawyers that will be there and, well, I am single! And hot. So I got into the spirit and yesterday went and bought a fabulous dress that definitely accents my petite body type.

Not too much drinking for me tonight though because early tomorrow morning I have a hair appointment. Finally no more blonde! I can’t wait. I am so sick of these goldilocks. Yes, it’s my natural color but I’ve always said that as Irish and Scottish as I am I should have been born a redhead. I do have the temperament to match!

After a couple hours at the salon, I have to finish my Christmas shopping. Luckily, I really don’t have that much left to do. I’ve already bought for my parents, grandparents, brother and bosses. I bought a couple things for my daughter. I just have to finish up getting stuff for her and get stuff for my son. He’ll be easy though because he just wants toys or video games.

Tomorrow night I have tickets for Blue Man Group. I’m excited about seeing BMG again. I saw it two years ago but this time I have seats in the poncho section. And it’s such an incredible show, how can I not have a great time!

Sunday my family is taking me out to dinner for a belated birthday treat. Our schedules are crazy and our off-days don’t usually coincide so this was the first opportunity we’ve had to do this. We’re going to one of my favorite reasonably priced steakhouses and, me being a lover of red meat and potatoes, I’m totally looking forward to that!

I’ve convinced my brother to come over Sunday afternoon and move the furniture for me so I can put up the Christmas tree. I really hate putting that thing up, but it’s for the kids so I need to get a move on. Christmas is only a little more than a week away.

All in all, life isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I’m getting back my “whatever” attitude, finding my strength, smiling a whole lot more and having fun. Oh, and guess what, my anxiety has disappeared!

Quote of the Day

"If someone tries to give you a plate of shit and you refuse it, who does that plate of shit belong to?"

- Marcano

List of the Day: Life, Goals and Living

Someone once accused me of not having any goals or dreams. At the time, that really bothered me. I was wondering how pathetic is my life if I have no goals or dreams. I mean, why would I keep on going, right? Then I began to remember what my life used to be like and where my life is at now, and I realized that I’ve really come along way, all because of the goals that I set for myself and the hard work that I did to achieve them. Here’s a list of some of my past, present and future goals/dreams:

1. PAST: Own my own home. Ever since I was 18 and living in an apartment I’ve wanted to own my own home. I worked hard, cleaned up my credit, saved money, and have been living in my own home for the past 5 ½ years.

2. PAST: Have my poetry published. I’ve been writing poetry since I was a teenager. Some of it is good, some of it isn’t, but it’s all real and straight from the heart. I now own two coffee table books full of poetry from random artists, each of which contain a different poem written by me.

3. PAST: Have a fabulous career. It took a lot of hard work and a lot of learning, but I finally am there. Of course, I could always go higher….which leads me to my next goal.

4. PRESENT: Go back to college and get my paralegal certificate. It’s one thing to learn from experience, it’s another thing to actually have the certificate. While it’s only a piece of paper and I doubt (but may be surprised) that the instructor will teach me anything that I haven’t learned from my experience already, it’s something that I want, and will get.

5. PRESENT: Learn a foreign language. I used to speak fluent German, but not anymore. I was learning Spanish years ago, but I don’t use it enough to remember. I’m thinking Irish Gaelic and then Scottish Gaelic.

6. PRESENT: Pay off my debt. It’s sad when you go from having excellent credit to having a credit score that dropped, but unfortunately that’s what happens when you have bad or no insurance and kids that have to have surgery or expensive tests run. But slowly but surely I’m making the effort and I’m seeing progress.

7. PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE: See my kids grow up and become productive members of society. This is a big one. This isn’t one that can happen overnight. It’s a goal that will take, literally, no less than 18 years per child to achieve. But I’m on the right path. I make mistakes at times, I raise my voice at times unnecessarily, I don’t always listen or understand as well as I should, but I never give up. They’re my babies and I love them more than anything in this world.

8. PRESENT, FUTURE: Get my house updated so I can sell it. I love my house, I worked hard to get it, but now it’s time when I’m looking to move. I’m doing a little bit at a time to it, and I see a huge difference between how it looks now to how it did when I bought it.

9. FUTURE: Travel the world. Being a mom with one of my children still being young, traveling the world isn’t exactly on my to-do list for tomorrow. But what’s nice is that with this dream, I know that I won’t be sitting around crying my eyes out when my kids are off at college or married. I won’t be wondering what to do with myself because I’ll be too busy doing what I want to do and fulfilling my dreams.

10. FUTURE: Find the man who is perfect for me. All good things come in time.

It’s good to have dreams and goals. They’re what keeps us motivated and what keeps us going. It keeps life interesting and helps our sense of self. Finding the balance between living the boring day-to-day details and finding time to work on your goals is something that’s important. One shouldn’t focus simply on their goals and dreams and forget about living the not-so-exciting day to day life, just as one shouldn’t live their life in a rut and only deal with what life brings you with no vision of change. Life moves fast, and as we change our goals will change. Forsaking your dreams or goals for those that are in your life is foolish, but forsaking those that are important to you for the sake of your dreams or goals is just as foolish.

Words Hurt

People talk too much. I mean they really do. They call it venting, or looking for advice, but the point is, people talk too much. I’m just as guilty as everybody else. I would have a problem with somebody, I would bitch about it to my girlfriends. To my family. To the lady on the train. What it all boiled down to is I just wanted someone to listen to me. The person or situation that I had the issue with wouldn’t listen to me so I just wanted to be heard. The problem with doing that, though, is that people don’t forget. Life moves fast. One minute we can be livid with someone or something and the next minute all is forgotten and forgiven and life is roses again. But our friends or our family or the lady on the train doesn’t know that. So they remember. And they hold grudges.

Another problem with bitching about our problems to anybody who will listen is that the person we are talking to is only hearing one side of the story. And we all know that whenever we tell a story we’ll leave out the bad parts that we do and make the other person look like a monster. It’s normal human nature. And it’s to be expected. When my children tattle on each other, I have to remember that I will get two different versions of the same story and the truth is usually somewhere there in the middle. The people that we are venting to need to keep that in mind as well.
I made the mistake of constantly complaining to my one girlfriend about the same person, over and over again. Well, of course I left out most of what I did to him. I mean, she knows me, she knows I’m no angel so she knows I probably played a role in it. Of course, I made sure to let her think that the role I played was a very minimal role and basically placed all of the blame on this person. So my friend, being my friend, can’t stand this person. And because my friend is so vocal in her opinions, she has made it known, quite clearly, that she can’t stand this person. And thus the damage is done.

When people feel the need to get in your business and assert their opinions, it’s gone too far. When people feel the need to publicly bash a person or situation that is absolutely none of their business, it has gone too far.
That happened to me today. I was perusing some of my favorite websites and came across a blog written about me. And then as I was reading the comments left on that blog, well, let’s just say it hurt. Very deeply.

Ironically enough, Monday night I got into a very large argument with a woman. I called her and she started sobbing, telling me that I hurt her because I don’t call her anymore and she’s always been there for me and I just dropped her and blah blah blah. I told her that I’m sorry that I hurt her but that I don’t talk to very many people anymore. And then she started badmouthing a person that I care very deeply about. I interrupted her and told that that that right there is the exact reason why I do not call her anymore. There are a million subjects that she can discuss with me, and every time I talk to her she has to start talking about the one topic that is off limits with me. If she can’t respect my life and my choices and the people that I have in my life, then she doesn’t need to be in my life.

I have several points. First, mind your own business. Second, there are always two sides to every story. Third, words hurt. Deeply.

I have a great boyfriend

One of my biggest faults is that I’m really good at pushing people away. I spent almost a year with a man who loved me more than anything in this world and would have done anything for me. For that almost year, I spent the majority of the time being criticizing him and doing my best to push him away. Well I succeeded. I pushed him away, at least temporarily. Those months that we were on rocky ground gave me a new appreciation for him and all that he is. I am so fortunate because after all the rough times that we had, he STILL loves me more than anything in this world.

I have this perfume that he and I absolutely love. It’s my favorite perfume but for the life of me I can never remember what it’s called. Many months ago he and I were at the outlet mall and wandered into the a perfume store. We found my perfume but it wasn’t cheap so we didn’t get any. he and I were leaving Macy’s the other night and on our way out the door, he stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a bottle of my perfume.

I woke up this morning with a pinched nerve and can’t move my neck very well. I wanted to stick it out because my regular doctor is out of town, but my limited movement has grown increasingly more limited as the day goes on. I called my doctor’s office back and they told me that I could see his partner tonight, but they close at 6:00. Being downtown, that means I have to leave work 45 minutes early to catch an earlier train. Because I can barely turn my neck, I’m not so sure I’ll be able to drive. Rand is very busy at work these days, but I figured I’d ask him if he could leave a bit early to drive me. I know we spent the weekend together and I figured he’d have plans tonight, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. My sweet man, in his typical nonchalant fashion, says “I suppose I could manage that”.

I really do have a wonderful boyfriend. No, he’s not perfect. And sometimes, just as I’m SURE the same applies for me, he has these traits that drive me up a wall. But you know what? He's perfect for me. He loves me more than anything in this world. And he may not get excited about things the way I do and he may give me a hard time about things sometimes, but he’s my baby and I love him back. But more importantly than loving him back is I appreciate him.

Thanks baby.

What a week.....

Life is certainly getting busier now that it's the end of the year. Work was crazy all week, but I was able to get everything done. Randy met me for lunch on Thursday and that was real nice. We haven't been able to have lunch together for quite some time. Thursday night I actually order the NFL Network just so we could watch the Packers/Cowboys game. Can you believe it's $6.99 a month and it's only one channel? I mean, for my Starz package, which includes 4 or 5 channels plus all the On Demand stuff I only pay $4.99 a month. But I think it's worth it. Come summertime when I'm missing my football I'll really put it to use!

Friday I went out with some of my friends after work. That was a lot of fun because I hadn't seen them for a few months. It was good to catch up and hang out.

Saturday Randy and I went into the City. What a perfect day it was! When we left the house it was snowing, but the snow was just blowing around and not sticking. By the time we got about 5 miles away the snow was sticking and the roads were getting slippery. I slowed down to about 45 on the e-way (hey, I've lived here all my life - I know how to drive in the damn snow!), but it seemed like the majority of the other drivers forgot it was December in Chicago and therefore continued to drive their typical 75 mph. And, inevitably, we came across a couple spin-outs on the e-way. We headed on to to Northside because we were looking for a store that Rand wanted to check out. I went the wrong direction on North Avenue, but that's ok because I remembered that there was a cool Mexican restaurant that I had eaten at last year so we stopped. It was a good thing too because by that time it was a blizzard and the roads were wretched. So we ate and then he was sweet enough to drive. We never did find the store he wanted to check out, but it was cool anyway because he had never been to that part of the City so he got to see Lincoln Park, Humboldt Park, Wicker Park, etc....so he was happy.

He and I went downtown and by that time the snow had pretty much melted and the rain was turning into sleet (we love our weather!) We went to Nordstrom's and some other stores. We went to Water Tower Place which was especially cool to me because I hadn't been there in years. It was great doing some shopping and going into some of our favorite stores and seeing things that we liked. Macy's and Banana Republic had some great outfits put together and, as usual, I wanted to buy most of what I saw in Express. But, for the most part, I kept my charge cards put away and just window shopped...and decided what I was going to buy at the after Christmas sales! We were pretty exhausted by the time we left and it was getting pretty icy out so we just went home and watched a movie. It was a fabulous day.

This morning we went to breakfast so he could get his yummy cornbeef hash omelet and then we came home and watched football. Sundays in the fall/winter were always our lazy day when we just laid around the house and watched whatever games were on. I would always fall asleep for a quarter but he was tired today so he napped. It's nice that we were able to have that today.

The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy. My birthday is Wednesday, my office Christmas party is Friday, the next Friday is another Christmas party that Rand and I are going to, that Saturday is his birthday, then comes Christmas Eve and Christmas, then he leaves for his friend's wedding the day after Christmas and back a couple days later, then comes New Years....we're going to be exhausted! But we're both in good spirits and, to be honest, I'm actually starting to feel like myself again, or a new and improved version.

Cass' health problems have disappeared, my ex has gotten off my back, work is going great and, how funny this may sound, I'm falling in love all over again with my boyfriend. It was a rough few months but I got through it!