Saying Goodbye

It's time to retire this blog. It was created as an outlet to express my sorrow, and ups and downs, of my time with R. However, he's moved on to greener pastures, and writing here will only remind me of him as I'm trying to let go.

Anyway, you can find me at www.alwaysjustjenn.com.

If I Were a Boy - Beyonce

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…

I want my life back

I’m depressed. I’m depressed and it’s really hard for me, the eternal optimist, to change my outlook. I know that part of it is due to the surgery, as a matter of fact, they say that depression after this type of surgery is quite common and WILL GO AWAY. It just sucks really bad going through it.

I’m a mess. I made a huge Mistake on November 1, and now that I have too much time on my hands during recovery, I can’t stop beating myself up over it. I can’t take care of myself because I can barely lift my arms. My chest hurts. My clothes don’t fit property. I can’t go to the gym. I get weak and exhausted very quickly. The holidays are almost here and I haven’t started shopping yet. I can’t move the furniture to put up our tree. I cry daily. I don’t sleep well. And in addition, my Mistake of last month is getting off on being cruel to me.

Normally I’m a very happy person. Normally I’m a very active person. Normally I don’t allow myself to focus too long on the negative because I have so many blessings that whatever is negative is overshadowed by the good. But I can’t seem to snap out of it.

I want to go to the gym. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to model again (that’s huge because for a month I lost my passion for it…thanks to my Mistake). I want to start ballet lessons. I want to begin to paint. I want to travel. I want to hang out with my kids without being too exhausted or in pain. I want to cook. I want to bum around the museums. I want to go out on a date with this guy…and not have to cut it short because I’m exhausted. I want to get my hair done.

Really, I just want my life back.

Quote of the Day

"I don't want to waste time being angry at someone I love."

~Brad Pitt