Thursday, June 26, 2008
Quote of the Day
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Guess what….I’m happy!!!
Last night I was talking with R, letting him know all that’s been going on in my life. I was just talking, talking, talking away….telling him how I changed around my workout routine and how excited I am because I’m seeing the results already. Telling him how I’m kicking ass on my debt….medical bills from my angel girl are all paid off and now I’m focusing on my credit cards. Telling him about my meeting with a photographer that occurred….how it went, what our ideas were, and the photo shoot that we have scheduled. Telling him about the work I’ve been doing on the house….what I have left to do and when I’m going to put it up for sale. Telling him about the appointment I have on Friday….how I feel about it, etc. Telling him about my 1 year plan, my 1 ½ year plan, my 11 year plan, and hearing him laugh with me as I wondered out loud what I’m going to do for the 9 years between my 2 year plan and my 11 year plan. Yea, sometimes I get silly like that. He had me try on the new clothes that I bought…going shopping without him the other day was not an easy thing, but I did it anyway. And I’m only returning one thing! I told him how I’ve been spending time with my girlfriends, been spending time with the kids, about how I’m going to the Taste on Sunday, about the concert I’m going to see.
The funny thing is, I’m laying there next to him listening to myself talking about what’s been going on in my life, and it hit me: I’m actually happy. For the past month, instead of focusing on the fact that R was gone and how sad I was, I kept myself busy and focused on my goals so I didn’t have to feel the pain. And somehow it worked. I got happy. I started rediscovering myself. I’m slowing becoming, once again, the woman that R fell in love with, but more importantly, the woman that I love. Because of my positive outlook, because for the most part I continued to grow and work on myself instead of becoming depressed, R and I are slowly becoming reacquainted. And you know what’s great about that? He gets to take me out on dates!!!! Yeppers, I get to find new reasons to adore him, and he gets to find new reasons to adore me.
It took a bit to knock me out of my pessimistic mode, but now that I’m out of it I hold my head up high again. Yes, life is good. I am definitely happy.
The funny thing is, I’m laying there next to him listening to myself talking about what’s been going on in my life, and it hit me: I’m actually happy. For the past month, instead of focusing on the fact that R was gone and how sad I was, I kept myself busy and focused on my goals so I didn’t have to feel the pain. And somehow it worked. I got happy. I started rediscovering myself. I’m slowing becoming, once again, the woman that R fell in love with, but more importantly, the woman that I love. Because of my positive outlook, because for the most part I continued to grow and work on myself instead of becoming depressed, R and I are slowly becoming reacquainted. And you know what’s great about that? He gets to take me out on dates!!!! Yeppers, I get to find new reasons to adore him, and he gets to find new reasons to adore me.
It took a bit to knock me out of my pessimistic mode, but now that I’m out of it I hold my head up high again. Yes, life is good. I am definitely happy.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
All in the Name of “Love” – When a Strong Woman Loses Herself
The majority of my girlfriends are single moms like myself; having had their oldest at a young age and being presently divorced. By having our children at such a young age, we were thrust into responsibilities that we weren’t emotionally ready for. While our friends were off at college, we were busy changing diapers. While our friends were trying to figure out what they wanted to be when they “grew up”, we were balancing our checkbooks and managing our households. When our friends had problems they were able to turn to their parents for help. When we had a problem, we were left to come up with a solution on our own. Basically, we grew up with our children. While we wouldn’t trade our babies for the world, we missed out on the “normal” process of maturing through “typical” life experiences. Because of this, we became strong women, but we were also fiercely independent. We learned young that we couldn’t depend on a man. We learned that if we love someone too much they’ll leave us. We learned that the only person we could count on was ourselves. We learned to protect our hearts, to love from a distance, and that if we could control the world around us, everything would be ok.
And then we hit our 30’s. Our oldest were now teenagers, our youngest were off at school. We had our homes, we had our careers, we had our 1-year plan, our 2-year plan, and our 10-year plan. The only thing that we didn’t have in our lives was true, deep, lasting, grown-up love.
As it so happened, each of us met the men who literally took our breath away and swept us off our feet. We each were blessed with an amazing man who loved us the way we had never been loved before. They touched a part of us, deep within, that made us remember the fairytales we believed in as little girls. Unfortunately, this same love that we secretly, silently yearned for was the same love that scared the hell out of us. We got what we always wanted and it was the one thing that we could not handle. So we sabotaged it.
We tested our men. We accused them of cheating. We criticized them. We withheld our affection. We kept them at a distance, emotionally, physically and mentally. We pushed them away at every twist and turn. These men, they loved us so much. But a man can only take so much. And when they finally had enough, they left us. Some left for another woman. Some just left.
Over the past year, I’ve watched three of my girlfriends and myself turn from being a strong, independent woman into a crying, depressed, clingy, needy, suicidal shell of her former self. One of my girlfriends had a nervous breakdown when her man left and ended up in the hospital for a month. Last night, my best friend called me and told me that she tried to kill herself and is now in the hospital. The other day her man told her he didn’t love her the way he used to and ended the relationship. As for myself, well, I’m better than I was a year ago the first time he left me. Mine has been gone this time for a month, and while my heart is broken, I can function. Working out like a maniac helps a lot. Therapy helps a lot, too.
So how did this happen? How did 3 incredibly strong, independent women turn into this? What is the lesson here? Is it never to love again? I can’t do that. I love my ex so much and will continue loving him. My girlfriends love their exes and, like me, can’t picture growing old without being side by side by these men that we love. How do we keep ourselves from turning into weak, dependent women? How do we keep ourselves from pushing the one we love, but more importantly, the one who loves us, away?
I was talking to this guy last night and he was telling me his side of the relationship coin. Being a woman, when I hear something I usually empathize or relate to the woman. For once, my ears were open and I could hear it from a different perspective. It really opened my eyes to the things my ex had been saying to me. Not to say that he’s completely right because it does take two. It’s just that I had never been able to hear what he was saying, maybe because 1) I was so emotionally involved in the situation my brain shut off and 2) because he was so emotionally involved in the situation he couldn’t get his point across without saying it harshly. At any rate, I decided that I can’t let the loss of this love destroy me. I am a strong, successful woman and will make it. I don’t want to keep people at a distance anymore. I also don’t want anyone but my love. But all the trying I was doing only made me more pathetic in his eyes. I’m not going to over-try it anymore. I’m going to be myself, the woman he fell in love with, the woman that I love. And if that’s not enough for him, well, at least I’ll have me back.
And then we hit our 30’s. Our oldest were now teenagers, our youngest were off at school. We had our homes, we had our careers, we had our 1-year plan, our 2-year plan, and our 10-year plan. The only thing that we didn’t have in our lives was true, deep, lasting, grown-up love.
As it so happened, each of us met the men who literally took our breath away and swept us off our feet. We each were blessed with an amazing man who loved us the way we had never been loved before. They touched a part of us, deep within, that made us remember the fairytales we believed in as little girls. Unfortunately, this same love that we secretly, silently yearned for was the same love that scared the hell out of us. We got what we always wanted and it was the one thing that we could not handle. So we sabotaged it.
We tested our men. We accused them of cheating. We criticized them. We withheld our affection. We kept them at a distance, emotionally, physically and mentally. We pushed them away at every twist and turn. These men, they loved us so much. But a man can only take so much. And when they finally had enough, they left us. Some left for another woman. Some just left.
Over the past year, I’ve watched three of my girlfriends and myself turn from being a strong, independent woman into a crying, depressed, clingy, needy, suicidal shell of her former self. One of my girlfriends had a nervous breakdown when her man left and ended up in the hospital for a month. Last night, my best friend called me and told me that she tried to kill herself and is now in the hospital. The other day her man told her he didn’t love her the way he used to and ended the relationship. As for myself, well, I’m better than I was a year ago the first time he left me. Mine has been gone this time for a month, and while my heart is broken, I can function. Working out like a maniac helps a lot. Therapy helps a lot, too.
So how did this happen? How did 3 incredibly strong, independent women turn into this? What is the lesson here? Is it never to love again? I can’t do that. I love my ex so much and will continue loving him. My girlfriends love their exes and, like me, can’t picture growing old without being side by side by these men that we love. How do we keep ourselves from turning into weak, dependent women? How do we keep ourselves from pushing the one we love, but more importantly, the one who loves us, away?
I was talking to this guy last night and he was telling me his side of the relationship coin. Being a woman, when I hear something I usually empathize or relate to the woman. For once, my ears were open and I could hear it from a different perspective. It really opened my eyes to the things my ex had been saying to me. Not to say that he’s completely right because it does take two. It’s just that I had never been able to hear what he was saying, maybe because 1) I was so emotionally involved in the situation my brain shut off and 2) because he was so emotionally involved in the situation he couldn’t get his point across without saying it harshly. At any rate, I decided that I can’t let the loss of this love destroy me. I am a strong, successful woman and will make it. I don’t want to keep people at a distance anymore. I also don’t want anyone but my love. But all the trying I was doing only made me more pathetic in his eyes. I’m not going to over-try it anymore. I’m going to be myself, the woman he fell in love with, the woman that I love. And if that’s not enough for him, well, at least I’ll have me back.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Be honest, he says….
Oh honestly, is honesty really the best policy? I mean, what does he want to hear from me? Does he want me to tell him how much I love him? No, I doubt it because every time I do tell him, his response is “I hear ya.” Would he like me to admit that I can be an asshole at times? No, I’m pretty sure I’ve admitted that on more than one occasion. He tells me he wants me to be the woman that he respects again. Well, the woman that he used to respect is the woman who told him, over and over again, not to try his shit with me cuz I wasn’t going to put up with it. Remember those days? And if I were to be honest, I would have to say that it breaks my heart, it makes me sick to my stomach, I get dizzy when I think of him being with another woman. And while I want to be the woman who doesn’t feel those things, so that he can respect me, I can honestly say that the reason that I feel that way is because I fell in love with him. He tells me that I act needy and clingy. Yes, I can honestly say that there are times when I act that way. I can also honestly say that it makes me sick that I can act like the type of woman that I despise, but I can also honestly say that if I were the woman I was before I met him, I wouldn’t care enough to act that way because I wouldn’t feel. I can honestly say that for the past year I’ve wanted to love him the way he used to love me. I can honestly say that it’s not an easy feat when you’re being punished. It’s also not easy when you feel so guilty for how you treated him, but are also scared to death of losing the one man you’ve ever loved. He wants honesty? Well here it is…..
I treated you like shit for a long time. You loved me unconditionally and I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of you leaving me so I tested you over and over and over again. Nothing you did was enough to prove to me that you loved me and wouldn’t leave me. By the time I realized that it was safe to love you, I had already pushed you away. I spent the next year trying to love you, all the while being punished; by you and by myself. You finally decide to leave me and try and find another who will make you happy and I’m devastated. Do I deserve what I got? Absolutely. Because now, when I try to talk to you, when I try to talk our problems through (which incidentally is what you tried to do all along), you don’t want to hear it. It took me too long to get my head out of my past and see the jewel that was right in front of me. And now, it’s too late. We can’t go back, and neither of us has the patience to fix where we went wrong.
So, there’s your honesty babe. I fucked up in the beginning and everything since then has been one big tit-for-tat game that we’re so good at playing. I can honestly say that I met my match in you. I can honestly say that I’ve never met a person as passionate, loving, intense, and stubborn as myself; until you. I can honestly say that I’ve never loved another the way I love you. And I can honestly say that, if you were to want to try again, I’d say yes.
I treated you like shit for a long time. You loved me unconditionally and I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of you leaving me so I tested you over and over and over again. Nothing you did was enough to prove to me that you loved me and wouldn’t leave me. By the time I realized that it was safe to love you, I had already pushed you away. I spent the next year trying to love you, all the while being punished; by you and by myself. You finally decide to leave me and try and find another who will make you happy and I’m devastated. Do I deserve what I got? Absolutely. Because now, when I try to talk to you, when I try to talk our problems through (which incidentally is what you tried to do all along), you don’t want to hear it. It took me too long to get my head out of my past and see the jewel that was right in front of me. And now, it’s too late. We can’t go back, and neither of us has the patience to fix where we went wrong.
So, there’s your honesty babe. I fucked up in the beginning and everything since then has been one big tit-for-tat game that we’re so good at playing. I can honestly say that I met my match in you. I can honestly say that I’ve never met a person as passionate, loving, intense, and stubborn as myself; until you. I can honestly say that I’ve never loved another the way I love you. And I can honestly say that, if you were to want to try again, I’d say yes.
Monday, June 23, 2008
A Woman's Hidden Strength - Her Girlfriends
Thank God for our girlfriends. They keep us sane. They listen to us talk about whatever’s on our mind, over and over and over again. They console us when we cry, agree with us when we’re pissed, come over and hang out with us so that we don’t lay around on the couch all day. They remind us of all the shit we’ve gone through and remind us that we’ll get through this too. They tell us how beautiful we are, even though we don’t feel very beautiful with puffy eyes and mascara streaks on our face. They make us go out and socialize.
I don’t have an exact count of the number of times I’ve cried with my girlfriends after they’ve been hurt by a man. I can’t say how many times I’ve been there when they swore they wouldn’t go back to him, only to melt when he’s called. So many times I’ve encouraged my girls, stood by my girls, listened to my girls, made them laugh, cried with them, hoped with them that maybe this time it’ll be different. I was their strength, I was their back bone, I was their cheerleader, I was their voice of reason.
And they have all been the same for me. When I’ve said “I’m done”, they’re right there saying “you go girl”. When I’ve said “I can’t do it, it hurts too bad”, they’re right there saying “don’t give up”. When I’ve said “we’re trying again”, they’re right there saying “it’ll work out this time”. And when I’ve said “no more, I can’t go back, help me stay away”, they’re right there saying “we’ll get you through this”.
You think when you’re in your 30’s and you have your career and you have your kids and you know who you are that your relationships will get easier and you won’t need your girls like you did when you were a teenager. The thing is, you may have your career all figured out and you may have the whole parenting thing under control and you may even have figured out what makes you, you, but the romantic relationships get harder and the heartbreak seems to hurt worse. If anything, my girls and I have needed each other more now than we did in high school.
So, to my girls, thank you.
I don’t have an exact count of the number of times I’ve cried with my girlfriends after they’ve been hurt by a man. I can’t say how many times I’ve been there when they swore they wouldn’t go back to him, only to melt when he’s called. So many times I’ve encouraged my girls, stood by my girls, listened to my girls, made them laugh, cried with them, hoped with them that maybe this time it’ll be different. I was their strength, I was their back bone, I was their cheerleader, I was their voice of reason.
And they have all been the same for me. When I’ve said “I’m done”, they’re right there saying “you go girl”. When I’ve said “I can’t do it, it hurts too bad”, they’re right there saying “don’t give up”. When I’ve said “we’re trying again”, they’re right there saying “it’ll work out this time”. And when I’ve said “no more, I can’t go back, help me stay away”, they’re right there saying “we’ll get you through this”.
You think when you’re in your 30’s and you have your career and you have your kids and you know who you are that your relationships will get easier and you won’t need your girls like you did when you were a teenager. The thing is, you may have your career all figured out and you may have the whole parenting thing under control and you may even have figured out what makes you, you, but the romantic relationships get harder and the heartbreak seems to hurt worse. If anything, my girls and I have needed each other more now than we did in high school.
So, to my girls, thank you.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
For R
"Love Remains the Same" by Gavin Rossdale
A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me wanna run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
Drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I, never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But,love remains the same
Find a place where we escape
Take you with me for a space
The city bus sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blurr
They're all the same
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I, never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But, love remains the same
So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me now
We shall overcome
So all that's left is praying
But we, should have had the sun
We could have been inside
Instead we're over here
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I, never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change
I, oh I,
I wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
as if we could last forever
Love remains the same
Love remains the same
A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me wanna run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
Drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I, never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But,love remains the same
Find a place where we escape
Take you with me for a space
The city bus sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blurr
They're all the same
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I, never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But, love remains the same
So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me now
We shall overcome
So all that's left is praying
But we, should have had the sun
We could have been inside
Instead we're over here
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I, never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change
I, oh I,
I wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
as if we could last forever
Love remains the same
Love remains the same
Monday, June 16, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Going Through the Motions
Going through the motions
Day after day
Feeling so lost
I can't find my way
The initial shock is gone
It no longer hurts
Now I'm just numb
I wonder which is worse
I've forgotten how to smile
I can barely breathe
This pressure in my chest
Will it ever leave
I feel so alone
So empty inside
Talking about it is useless
My feelings I have to hide
The jumbled thoughts
The sleepless nights
My heavy heart
When will I feel alright
Who am I now
What do I do
I try to figure it out
But I haven't got a clue
The tears won't come
I have no peace
I scream silently and I write
Trying to find a release
Going through the motions
For yet another day
Maybe tomorrow
I'll start to find my way
Day after day
Feeling so lost
I can't find my way
The initial shock is gone
It no longer hurts
Now I'm just numb
I wonder which is worse
I've forgotten how to smile
I can barely breathe
This pressure in my chest
Will it ever leave
I feel so alone
So empty inside
Talking about it is useless
My feelings I have to hide
The jumbled thoughts
The sleepless nights
My heavy heart
When will I feel alright
Who am I now
What do I do
I try to figure it out
But I haven't got a clue
The tears won't come
I have no peace
I scream silently and I write
Trying to find a release
Going through the motions
For yet another day
Maybe tomorrow
I'll start to find my way
Monday, June 9, 2008
10 Stupid Things Couples do to Mess up Their Relationship
I found this list here.
1. Stupid Secrets: Withholding important information for fear of rejection. It’s the struggle against selfishness. Privacy is something you 'give' out of respect. Secrecy is when you feel guilty about something you can't tell you partner or spouce.
2. Stupid Egotism: My freedom/ rights to do what I want are more important than you feeling/ needs –and ask not what you can do for this relationship ask only what this relationship can do for you!
3. Stupid Pettiness: Make a big deal of the small stuff.
4. Stupid Power: Never lose an argument, or sacrifice anything; always be in control, never let the other forget he or she messed up.
5. Stupid Priorities: consuming all your time and energies with work, hobbies, errands, chores, missions and an unkept bed has a higher priority than the relationship.
6. Stupid Happiness: seeking stimulation and assurance from all the wrong places to satisfy the immature need to feel good vs.. to be good.
7. Stupid Excuses: instead of acknowledging misdeeds and being accountable, you fight back with excuses, which just cause more damage –learn to apologize.
8. Stupid Liaisons: staying attached to relatives and friends who are outright bad influence and destructive to your relationship –allowing these folks to hurt your partner.
9. Stupid Mismatch: Seeing red flags clearly and yet you stay around trying to put a square peg in a round hole –not knowing when to leave and cut your losses. Bad boys and jerks fall into this catagory.
10.Stupid Breakups: Disconnecting for all the wrong reasons. We live in a divorce culture.
How guilty are all of us of doing these things.
1. Stupid Secrets: Withholding important information for fear of rejection. It’s the struggle against selfishness. Privacy is something you 'give' out of respect. Secrecy is when you feel guilty about something you can't tell you partner or spouce.
2. Stupid Egotism: My freedom/ rights to do what I want are more important than you feeling/ needs –and ask not what you can do for this relationship ask only what this relationship can do for you!
3. Stupid Pettiness: Make a big deal of the small stuff.
4. Stupid Power: Never lose an argument, or sacrifice anything; always be in control, never let the other forget he or she messed up.
5. Stupid Priorities: consuming all your time and energies with work, hobbies, errands, chores, missions and an unkept bed has a higher priority than the relationship.
6. Stupid Happiness: seeking stimulation and assurance from all the wrong places to satisfy the immature need to feel good vs.. to be good.
7. Stupid Excuses: instead of acknowledging misdeeds and being accountable, you fight back with excuses, which just cause more damage –learn to apologize.
8. Stupid Liaisons: staying attached to relatives and friends who are outright bad influence and destructive to your relationship –allowing these folks to hurt your partner.
9. Stupid Mismatch: Seeing red flags clearly and yet you stay around trying to put a square peg in a round hole –not knowing when to leave and cut your losses. Bad boys and jerks fall into this catagory.
10.Stupid Breakups: Disconnecting for all the wrong reasons. We live in a divorce culture.
How guilty are all of us of doing these things.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
the best advice I've ever heard
You can never meet the right person if you never let go of the wrong person, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go you remember why you held on for so long... sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.
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